Please read! Overwhelming Darkness: Chap 1!!

Hello! :D this is my first fanfic!
PLEASE READ! and COMMENT! all criticism/suggestions welcome so I can learn from my mistakes;)
Hope you enjoy it:D :D
EDIT: I will just post all the stories in the same thread so keep checking for the new chapters!
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Overwhelming Darkness:
Chapter 1: Introduction

“Ashia! Ashia!” Black touched the depths of Ashia’s eyes, she felt like she was slowly slipping into darkness. She had been warned about this but she didn’t believe it would ever happen to her. She always pictured the ones that slip into darkness to be the bad guys that had done horrible things in their lives but that can’t be now, “I haven’t done anything horrible” she thought, “have I?” In the distance she could hear her name being called out again and again she tried to call for help but no words past her lips, she was being engulfed in darkness. It was drowning her, she tried to run, she just wanted to get as far away from darkness as she could but it held her down. Every limb in her body felt like it was made of cement. She could no longer hear the voices calling her nor could she see the bright sun shining on her; everything was just dark.

She felt a rush of cold air against her cheeks, it made her shiver. She realised then that this was the end, she was about to enter the emptiness of darkness, she didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to her friends or family and she would probably never see them again. She tried to shout out again but she knew that no-one could hear her. She was just about to give up and let darkness take her when she felt the sudden warmth of an embrace. Her thoughts flickered to what was happening, someone was clinging onto her but all she could see was darkness.

She heard a grief stricken voice “Ashia, Ashia, don’t leave!” It was him! She reached out grabbing at thin air trying to hold on to him, she was slipping further into darkness. She felt him hold her tighter not wanting to let go.
“Make your way back to us, Ashia!” He was pulled from her as she sank into darkness she felt like she would fall forever; the rush of cold air was getting stronger, her light brown hair whipped at her cheeks; she tried to grab onto something but all she could hold onto was darkness; it was all around her. Was this what it was like, darkness, endless falling with no sign of stopping, she thought. Lately many people from her village had been captured by the darkness; everyone was terrified that they would be next. She thought of him and the pact that they had made together. Then suddenly with great force she came to a stop, her body crashing to the cold floor sending her enormous pain.
She felt like she had shattered to a million pieces, every part of her hurt. She tried to pull herself up, using her last energy she got to her feet, to cope with the pain she bit her lip, she didn’t realise then but her once plump lips were oozing blood from her biting it, the blood trickled done her chin until a few drops fell to the ground. Were the blood landed, a great blinding light came up from the ground, engulfing her, she couldn’t see anything. Then out of the light came a stern voice.

“The strongest ones are the ones that survive the fall...I guess I should congratulate you but perhaps you were better off dead...”
“Who are you?!” Ashia screamed into the blinding light, silence, and then a figure stepped closer to Ashia she could barely see him; his face was covered in shadow despite the bright light.
“I am here to help. But I can only help if you are willing to accept my help.” said the mysterious figure.
“What help?” She wasn’t sure what was going on. Should she trust this person?
“You want to see your family and friends again, right? They all do but sometimes they aren’t ready yet.” This answer just confused Ashia more; she didn’t know what to say so she didn’t say anything.
“I sense you’re confused.” He stepped closer
“Of course I am! I’m sorry I don’t have experience with the darkness to know what to expect!” she said sharply, he took another step forward, “Stay away! I’m warning you!”
The mysterious figure started laughing.
“What’s so funny?” she asked irritated.
“Oh nothing just you seem very confident that you could take me on, when really you have no chance.” He turned and stepped away from Ashia, “but if you don’t want my help I will leave.”
Ashia looked around, there was only nothingness, she would have to accept his help...for now, “Wait...I want...I want you to help me...for now...”
“You seem unsure, Ashia” he turned back
“How do you know my name?” Ashia asked
“I know a lot of things, so do you really want my help or not?”
Ashia thought for a moment, “Yes I want your help.”
*****

:) Alright thats chapter one! Who is the mysterious figure? Will Ashia make it back home? Will she be able to take on the darkness?:D
Hope you liked it! please comment or pm me! all criticism/suggestions welcome:D

 

YAY!!!!!! I think its really good!!!! PM me when the next chapter is out! I want to read it!. You did a great job with the descriptions, but could do alittle more with the emotions with dialouge n stuff. Besides that, amazing job!

FIRST POSTNESS!!!!!!!!

 

dude that's awesome!!!!! i wish mine was that good!!!!!:D

 

Thank you! i will take all of that in and make chapter 2 better:D :D
Oh and chapter two will be up sooon :)

Thanks! I really like yours aswell:D :D

 

Really good...
I'm not trying to be mean, but position your dialouge carefully..

Example..
You are doing this:

"Hi! Nice to meet you!" she stared at her... "Hi nice to meet you too.."

You need to do this..

"Hi! Nice to meet you". She stared at her...
"Hi, nice to meet you too"

 

Overwhelming Darkness Chapter 2!!

Hello everyone *waves* It's finally here, Chapter 2! hope you enjoy it and once again all comments even criticism/suggestions welcomed!
In this chapter we find out who's helping Yuuka and it won't be who you expect XD

Chapter 2: Strangers

“Alright†he said gleefully, he stepped forward to reveal a huge grin. Ashia studied him carefully, this is the first time she could see him clearly; he didn’t look like what she had thought. He had messy blonde hair and large green eyes and he looked about Ashia’s age, 16. His large goofy smile made her giggle, he started laughing too.
“I’m sorry if I scared you...but I had to make sure you were tough enough†his smile disappeared and he looked at her sternly, “It won’t be easy getting back to your family and friends but I have a good feeling that you’ll make it†he smiled at her again, then with his left hand he opened something that appeared to be a portal.
“Follow me†He started walking in the portal but he must have sensed her uneasiness because he stopped and turned around extending his hand, “don’t worry, I’ll protect you, promise.â€
Ashia slipped her hand into his and instantly felt safe; she looked into his green eyes, “I trust you†and with that he led her into the portal. The portal led them to a small old shack that was practically falling down.
“The first thing to do is for you to rest, we can’t have you collapsing from exhaustion before the battle even begins†he said jokingly, “You can sleep there, I’ll be right outside if you need Me.†he said pointing to a small bed. She nodded and he exited the shack and left her to rest.
Ashia woke to the sunlight filtering in through the cracks in the shack roof. She slowly got out of the small bed; she still ached from the fall yesterday. She looked around the room, besides the small bed there was only a small table, she walked over to the table; on top was a small stack of clothes. She looked down at her dress, it was her favourite and until yesterday was in good condition; now it was ripped and looked like an old rag. She changed into the new clothes and walked outside. She squinted at the bright sun, she hadn’t realised how dark the shack had been. She felt warm sand in between her toes and realised she on the beach, looking around she spotted him sitting next to a fire, he heard her walking up behind him and looked over his shoulder.
“Good morning!†he said happily, “perfect timing, the fish is done.†He handed her a stick that had been in the fire, on the end was a fish.
“Thanks...uh†she thought for a second then turned back to him, “you never did tell me your name.â€
“Oh, it’s Toru†he smiled at her, “I see you found the new clothes I leftâ€
“Oh yeah thanks...†she smiled at Toru and nibbled at her fish, “Yum! This is really tasty, I hadn’t realised how hungry I was.†Toru chuckled then looked out at the ocean.
After eating Ashia walked along the beach trying to find out where she was but after walking for an hour and finding no-one she turned back, following her footsteps in the sand to the shack. When she got back Toru was standing at the water’s edge watching the ocean again. She walked over to him.
“Welcome back†Toru turned to face her, he looked sad.
“What’s wrong?â€
“Ah...nothing†Toru said cheering up. Toru throw a bamboo stick at Ashia, she caught it.
“What’s this for?â€
“You’ll start training with that….†He saw how confused she looked, ‘I know it looks like just an ordinary stick… because it is just an ordinary stick…but you’ll learn to do some nifty things with it….†He looked at her smiling
“Oh…†she looked at the long bamboo stick then back at Toru, “like hit things with it?†she said oozing ridicule.
“Well yes…I guess... but I can teach you to do other stuff too.â€
“Like what?â€
“Like this…†Toru closed his eye and thrust out his right hand towards the ocean, his face showed his concentration. Ashia looked past his arm to the sea, were she could just see a large bubble of water rising out of it. It floated in the air for a couple seconds before racing over to Ashia. She let out a squeal as the water zipped around her twice before going towards the fire; it hovered again for a couple seconds then doused the fire, instantly it went out. Toru opened his eyes and smirked at Ashia’s astonished face.
“That…that…that was amazing!†Ashia said lost for words, she ran over to the extinguished fire, “incredible!†she excitedly turned back to Toru, “do it again!â€
Toru laughed, “Maybe later.†He spun around and walked inside the small shack, leaving Ashia with her mouth wide open still.
Later that night Ashia was sitting by herself watching the waves roll up the sand then disappear back out into the ocean. She hugged her legs and drifted into a light sleep. “You’re little so you might not understand...but the concept will always be in your mind and when you’re older you’ll be able to unlock it....†Ashia opened her eyes; it was still night, in her dream she remembered something her grandfather had told her when she was young but she couldn’t figure out what he had meant... unlock it....unlock what? She thought.

that was chapter two! hope you all liked it and if you read it pleaseeeee comment or pm me:D :D SO Where are they? What did Ashia grandfather mean? and Will Ashia be able to learn to fight using a bamboo stick? You'll just have to wait :p

 

FUN!!!!!!! Bamboo stick!!!! Good as always!!! Not to be annoying, but when do you think the next one will be out?:D

 

that is really good!!!!! no wait it's not good...............................................ITS AWESOME!!!!!