Parental conversations

Amuse me.

(Getting ready for Step-Dad's family to come over.)

Mom: *talking about who to put at the children's table*
Me: I'll sit at the children's table.
Mom: ...What?
Me: Mom, I have two weeks left of being a child, I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.


So how have you been this past week, KHV?

 

"Happy Valentine's Day, Mom."
"Get the hell out and don't be late for school."
"...aright."

I have so many more like this. It's kind of upsetting, but eh.

 

Me: "Hey Daddy, have you watched Avatar yet?"
Dad: "No."
Me: "Alright, just checking."
Dad: Makes chicken noises. -.-

Me: *yawns*
Dad: "Am I boring you?" *whilst boring into my arm with his finger -.-

Dad: "So your friend wants to join the army? I think she'll make it because she had that presence about her."
Me: "What?"
Dad: "Darth Vader went up to Luke and said 'I know what you're getting for Christmas. I felt your presence.'"
Me: -.-

These sort of things happen on multiple occasions.

 

*A few years back*

Dad: Hey son
Me: Oh hey dad, what's up?
Dad: Oh nothing. I was having this conversation with a parent from your class. Apparently a girl got totally wasted in your graduation party and totally ruined it?
Me: It's interesting to know that you found that out. *Is actually dating that girl*

 

Me: *sneaking in to kitchen*
Mom: DON'T YOU GO NEAR THE COCONUT BUNS!
Me: HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW?! YOU'RE IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM!
Mom: I CAN HEAR YOU SINGING THE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME FROM THE LAUNDRY ROOM!

 

Me: Hey, Mom.
Mom: Hey. Let's see your grades.
Me:*slaps forehead*
Mom: Let's see... *scrolls down school website page* A... A... A... IS THAT A "B" I SEE THERE????
Me: Mom, it's just a B.
Mom: You're grounded.
Me: WHAT???


And that is every week.

 

Sister: Shut-up you stupid head!
Me: No you shut up!"
Mom: Both of you just shut the hell up! You're giving me a goddamned headache.

*sister kicks me*
*me picks her up and slams her on the couch*

Mom: THAT'S IT! You, you go to your room!
Me: WHAT?!?! WHY?!
Mom: Because shouldn't be acting like a brat!
Me: But she started it!!
Me: You, you're seventeen years old! Act your age!

*me blows raspberry and stomps off to room, only to come out ten minutes later*

 

Me: *opens up chicken lunch meat for a sandwich.*
Mom: Are you opening up the chicken?
Me: Yes, why? Is it there to be looked at?
Mom: Yes. I bought it to brighten up the refrigerator but go ahead and eat it else I throw it out.
Me: ... *Continues making sandwich.*

My mom is seriously awesome. Dad not so much.

Dad: Come and help me with my computer.
Me: *Rolls eyes.* Alright...I'll be right there. *heads downstairs. Fiddles with the computer for a few minutes. Presses refresh.*
Dad: How'd you do that?
Me: ...Magic.
Dad: *Sensing my sarcasm.* No really. How'd you do that?
Me: It's called 'refresh', Dad. It just reloads the page.

 

Me: You got four hours to play this morning. I think it's my turn.
Brother: -gets annoyed and doesn't get off-
Me: Dude, get off.
Brother: -complains and gets off the PS3-

*One hour later

Brother: My turn!
Me: Wai- wut.
Brother: I got off and now it's hour by hour turns.
Me: Bu- We- ... -facepalms and gets off-

 

Mom: Son, what are you doing?
Me: Making ramen.
Mom: Son, it's 4 o'clock in the morning, why on Earth are you making ramen?
Me: Because I've lost control of my life.

(This actually happened except it was 8 AM. And my mom didn't get it. And it was glorious)

 

Mom: Go brush your teeth.
Me: Aight.
*does so in front of her*
Mom: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: In front of you.
Mom: I would've seen it if that was true, go brush it again.
Me: No. I already did.
Mom: Do it now!
Me: I ALREADY DID.
Mom: I'M YOUR MOTHER. SHUTUP AND DO AS I SAY. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME. GO OUTSIDE. LEARN FOOTBALL. DO WHAT I SAY. YOU'RE HOPELESS. YOU'RE USELESS. YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. ALL BECAUSE OF THOSE DAMN VIDEOGAMES.
*goes to picks my PSP/DS/PS2 cables/Computer cables, hides it somewhere in the house and goes to rant with my dad about how i'm a useless son and how he spends too much money, then stops talking to either of us until next week*

 

This didn't happen to me, it happened to my friend Leah who is at the start of a relationship. (A very Christian family by the way)

Mum: So how are things with Piers?
Leah: Alright
Mum: Got anything planned for your one month anniversary?
Leah: Not really, it's not that long yet
Mum: Good. Just remember that the pill is the best contraceptive, even if he uses a condom be on the pill as well.
Leah: O.o
*Comes to me and tells me everything*
Me: LOL! You have weird parents.

*Eating at the dinner table today*
Dad: While I was jogging today, I ran past an old couple and farted. I discovered I couldn't run while I was laughing.
Me and my mum: *facepalm*

 

This was a couple of days ago xD

Mother: Where have you been today then?
Me: Oh. Just out with Ky.
Mother: Oh, and how is Ky?
Me: He's fine.
Mother: I hope you aren't getting any ideas...
Me: No... what!?

 

*Parents talking about money set aside for the kids*

Me - Do you have money set aside for me?
Dad - No.
Me - Why not?
Dad - There's no reason to save any money for you at the moment.
Me - How do you expect me to pay for my 36 cats?
Dad - Why would you want 36 cats?
Me - You're convinced I'm never gonna leave home so I should at least act the part. And when you grow old, incontinent and senile I'll give you 6 cats, each one named after the kids. That way you'll never be short of company.


This is a common topic between us. xD

 

After being here nearly 4 years, I now understand your username of Kitty :3

 

Oh, man. I remember this. We had the same rules at my house for the computer, and we had dial-up. It did not go well.

Dad: You know, I really hope that you never trip acid or anything like that.
Self: Oh, don't worry, dad; I probably won't.
Dad: Yeah, but still.
Self: If I were going to try anything, I might try Salvia. It's made from the leaves of a sagebrush.
Dad: Yeah, I know what it is. It is a natural sweetener; I was growing some of it for your mother last year. It didn't go well with my coffee though, so I stopped planting it.
Self: Really? Well, it is supposed to have effects similar effects to LSD; hallucinations, and that kind of thing. A friend of mine uses it, and he says that it is pretty much the same thing, but without the fall. When you come off of the high, you are pumping endorphins all day and feel fine.
Dad: Really? Well maybe I should try that then, because if it is what I am thinking of then I can just go an buy some seeds and grow it myself.

I love my dad sometimes.

 

This was my dad's way of telling his girlfriend about me:

Dad: Yeah, and my daughter... she's a coke addict.
Me: Dad!
Dad: She's very sensitive about it...
Me: Dad, shut the heck up before I throw this coke in your face.
Dad: Did you hear that?! She threatened me!
Me: Yeah... with cola.

 

This happened last month. We had just talked about my potential surgery I would have and then we went to Applebee's.

Waitress: What would you have?
Me: A Sprite please. (Dad gives me dirty look) What?
Dad: You need to stop drinking soda's. You're life's going to change after the surgery. (Dad goes off for fifteen minutes on how I need to be more responsible of my body, even though the doctor had told me that no more than an hour ago).
Mom: Why don't you have one of the hot wings?
Me: I don't really like the hot wings here.
Dad: You need to learn to control your attitude. (Goes off for thirty minutes on how I need to control my emotions and be responsible).

The fact is, I don't like the hot wings at Applebee's; they're too spicy for my taste. FML.

 

I don't talk to my parents.

 

-inb4myparentsaredead-