Oni Giri (Demon Slash)

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Sir Charles of Monocles, Dec 15, 2007.

  1. Sir Charles of Monocles The Fault in Our Stars

    Joined:
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    in my dorm room watching Tangled
    54
    The world is fading. I, this world’s protector, have lost. Now the darkness will swallow it back and the people will have to start over again. I have failed. But in this darkest of hours, there is hope. There is a prophecy stating that someone will come and save this world from the darkness. I thought I was that one, but alas I am not. I just hope that the child is still alive.



    Moegi was asleep under a tree. His dark brown hair flowed gently in the wind. His emerald eyes were tightly shut in relaxation. He was asleep in his school uniform. He was dreaming of a smiling girl. He had seen this girl before. Not just in his dreams, but in a festival a few years ago. He just couldn’t remember her name. He could still hear her laughter.



    He woke up when an apple hit him on the head.

    “Wake up you lazy toad,†a voice commanded.

    “Huh?â€

    “Get up sleepy head.â€

    Moegi opened an eye. He stared at his sister.

    “What do you want?â€

    “School is about to start.â€

    Moegi jumped up.

    “Crap!â€

    Moegi ran down the hill. He stopped short when he saw someone walking toward the front doors. Moegi smiled slyly. The person he saw was Old Mr. J., the school janitor. He and Moegi had been friends for years. Mr. J. opened the door for Moegi.

    “Thanks Mr. J.â€

    “Anytime Moegi.â€

    Moegi ran down the hall. He put his bag in his locker. He slammed his locker door and ran to his first class. The teacher’s back was turn when Moegi entered the room. He slipped into his seat.

    “Everyone should turn in their homework.†The teacher said.

    Moegi slapped his forehead.
    “I knew I forgot something!â€

    Later in the Principal’s Office

    “This is the eighth time this month! What are you thinking? Do you want to fail?†the principal yelled at Moegi.

    “No sir.†Moegi mumbled. His eyes looked down at his sandals, and started to water.

    “I am sorry, but you are suspended.†the principal sighed, “There is nothing I can do. I am sorry.â€

    “Fine.â€

    Moegi walked out of the school yard. He saw Old Mr. J. sweeping the grounds. Moegi waved to the old janitor. Mr. J. grinned.

    “Did you get expelled again?â€

    “Just as I hoped.â€

    “So you want to go through with your plan?â€

    “Yeah, but I want to thank you for all of your help.â€

    “See ya later, Mr. J.â€

    “Bye Moegi.â€

    Moegi grinned. If he is suspended again, he will have to be expelled. His parents had agreed that if he got expelled then he would have to go to the public school three miles away.

    Moegi walked around the town before going home. He passed the park where he had broken his arm a year ago. He smiled when the memories came back. He laughed when he remembered when he punched Zeke in the face.

    “Good times. Good times.â€

    He sighed. He decided that it was time to go home. He shuffled his feet toward the direction of his house. When he got home, he searched his jacket for his key.

    “Not again.â€

    Moegi grabs the spare key. He unlocks the door and places the spare back. He quietly sneaks to his room. He grabs his favorite book and starts to read it from his last stopping point. He puts it down when he hears his mom walking in and going to the restroom. He puts down the book and goes down the stairs. When his mom sees him, she sighs.

    “Did you get suspended, again?â€

    “Yes ma’am.â€

    “Why?â€

    “I didn’t turn in my homework for the eighth time this month.â€

    “You know what happens if you get expelled, don’t you?â€

    “Yes.â€

    “Then why?â€

    “I just think that the private school is not pushing me to my maximum.â€

    “And you think that a public school will?â€

    “I don’t know. I have to try.â€

    “Just wait till your father gets home.â€

    Moegi walks to his room and locks the door. He lies on his bed and wonders if that girl was going to the public school. He smiles sheepishly. He couldn’t wait till he got expelled.



    End of Chapter 1

    Tell me how good or bad it is. I did whil at my grandparents' house. On Microsoft word, it is 48 pages. I had a lot of free time waiting ofr my grandfather's funeral. Now seriously tell me how it is
     
  2. .Kairi. Kingdom Keeper

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    Too close to the guidos
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    814
    Not bad- it sounds fine so far.
     
  3. Sir Charles of Monocles The Fault in Our Stars

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2007
    Location:
    in my dorm room watching Tangled
    54
    Tahnk you for that All that i have is mostly mushy but it will get very interesting promise. the first few chapters a mushy.
     
  4. Hunted Hunter Twilight Town Denizen

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2007
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    Nowhere... really. Gender: FEMALE
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    The grammar is very good, which was good for my eyes. Bad grammar kills them. ^.^
    But the sentence structure was a little short. It was just, he did this, he did that. Not much detail. Explain the scene better, use more descriptive words, the it'll combine with your good grammar and come together very well. ^.^
     
  5. Sir Charles of Monocles The Fault in Our Stars

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    I know I am horrible at sentence structure
    Thank you for youor comment amout my grammar. i try.
     
  6. Near-to-Tears Hollow Bastion Committee

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    Good, maybe a little short for a chapter but I guess a chapter here and a chapter in a book would be different >_< The only thing I'd say is that it's a little tricky to tell whose talking at times, but otherwise great :D it sounds like it's gonna get really interesting!
     
  7. Dmaster Traverse Town Homebody

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    Nov 22, 2007
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    In mah imagination~
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    not bad... oh, and are the character from the rpg going to make cameo-appearances?
     
  8. Sir Charles of Monocles The Fault in Our Stars

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2007
    Location:
    in my dorm room watching Tangled
    54
    I don't think so because this is set over a decade before then. But the parents will show up.
     
  9. Dmaster Traverse Town Homebody

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    Nov 22, 2007
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    In mah imagination~
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    wait... so that means that Dein's dead parents are giong to show up somewhere? sweet!!! we can make make Dein's parents hero and Dein won't know about it (i like torturing my book poeples...:D)
     
  10. Sir Charles of Monocles The Fault in Our Stars

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2007
    Location:
    in my dorm room watching Tangled
    54
    I was thinking of killing the General of the soldiers. He could be Dein's father.
     
  11. Sir Charles of Monocles The Fault in Our Stars

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2007
    Location:
    in my dorm room watching Tangled
    54
    One Month Later​


    Moegi grins. He had gotten expelled from the private school. He was starting the public school tomorrow. He had his books and schedule already. He had met his teachers the day before. He took a stroll around the town. He had already timed how long it took him to get to the school. He had to get up an hour earlier. He just couldn’t wait till the next day.

    That night Moegi dreamed of his new school and the girl with no name. She glided in and out of the dream. One second she was there, the next, she was gone. He woke up in a cold sweat. He rubbed his forehead with a washrag.

    “Just pre-night jitters,” he sighs, “I just hope that I am not sweating like a pig tomorrow.”

    Moegi woke up the next morning with a new hope and confidence. He got dressed and ate his breakfast as fast as he could. He grabbed his books and ran off. He was running to school before the sun was up.

    Later that day during lunch​


    Moegi was sitting by himself during lunch. He so far was having a good time. He was eating a sandwich, green grapes, potato chips, and he was drinking some water. He stared at the other kids from some of his classes. He remembered some of their names.

    “Hey there. My name is Elle.” a girl said while sitting down next to him, smiling.
    He stared at her with a gaping mouth.

    “You… you are the girl from the festival!”

    “Huh?” she asked confused, “What do you mean?”

    “From the festival a few years ago. I was the boy that you saw… crying.” He whispered the last word to her.

    “Ohhh… that was you?” She started to laugh. “That was so hilarious.”

    “No it wasn’t.” he argued.

    “Yes it was! You were so cute.” Elle replied.

    “Huh?”

    “You were so thoughtful. I wanted to see if you were okay.”

    “Why?” Moegi asked.

    “What do you mean, why?”

    “Well that’s simple. I am talking to you because… Uhhh. I don’t really know.”

    Moegi chuckles, “Was it because I am a new student?”

    ”Kind of but since talking to you, I really think that we would be good friends.”

    “Really? Won’t your friends be mad?”

    “Who them? Oh I just hang out with them because before you started coming here, I was the new kid for three years.” Elle said in a bored tone.

    “I really hope this school gets a new student soon.”

    “Yeah well if you need anything, you know where to find me?”

    “Actually no I don’t.”

    “I live about fifteen minutes away.”

    “I live three miles away.”

    “You live in the country; I should come and visit sometime.”
    “Yeah you should.”

    “It is a date then.”

    “Huh? A date?” Moegi asked in shock.

    “I am not dumb you know.”

    “What do you mean?” Moegi started to turn red.

    “I know you like me.”

    “No I don’t.” Moegi lied.

    “You don’t? Well I thought you were a nice person but I guess I was wrong.”

    “I do like you, but I didn’t know if you liked me.”

    “I have liked you since that festival.”

    “Really? Then it is a date.”

    “Great! What do you have next period?”

    “Uhhh… Mr. Laser.”

    “Me too! Se ya next period, boyfriend.” Elle kissed Moegi on the cheek. He started to breathe heavy.


    After the next class

    Moegi and Elle were holding hands when they walked out of Mr. Laser’s class. They had sat next to each other due to Mr. Laser making a new seating chart and Elle stating that she wanted to welcome the new kid. Every time Moegi thought of it, he laughed.

    “What?” Elle asked.

    “You. Saying that you want to welcome the new kid.”

    “Well I do.” Elle kissed Moegi on the cheek.

    “When do you want to come to my house to study?”

    “Next week?”

    “Okay but it will seem like longer”

    “Well I have had perfect attendance every year.”

    Moegi kissed Elle on the cheek. He couldn’t wait till the next period. He had peeked at her schedule. She had the same class as him. He started to tickle her on the neck.

    “Moegi stop. That tickles!” Elle tries to grab his hand. He grabs her hand and put it by her side.

    “Why?”

    “Because it tickles.”

    “Where else are you ticklish?”

    “Why?” Elle asked while laughing.

    “Because I want to tickle you some more.”

    “We are going to class. We have to behave.” She rolled her eyes.

    “We aren’t going to sit by each other, are we?”

    “Well, this teacher doesn’t have a seating chart, but once we chose our seat we are stuck there. But when we get a new student, we have a chance to sit anywhere.”

    “Really?”

    “No.” Elle answered.

    “Well, at least we have the same class.”

    “And we will walk home for a little way.”

    “Which way is your house?”

    “East.”

    “So is mine.” Moegi kissed Elle on the cheek, “See you later.”



    An hour after class​


    “See you tomorrow.” Elle said before kissing Moegi’s cheek. But before she could kiss it, Moegi turned his head and their lips met. Moegi’s eyes lit up. Elle started to pull away, but Moegi gently placed his arms around her waist. Elle dropped her books and wrapped her arms around his neck.

    “See ya tomorrow.” Moegi said cheerfully.

    “Huh?” Elle asked, still a little dazed by what had just taken place.

    “We have to go home.”

    “Yeah well, I wanted you stay longer.”

    “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

    “Okay.” Elle said, a little sad.

    Moegi turned to leave. He felt Elle grab his arm, but he slowly released her grip. He hummed a tune that Elle vaguely remembered. He turned his head and saw Elle pick up her books. He continued to walk on his way home.

    When he was in sight of the house, he looked at the sky and saw something flying toward his house. He stared at the object until he saw it crash into the house.

    “Nooooo!!!!!”

    BOOM!!!!!


    End of Chapter 2​
     
  12. Near-to-Tears Hollow Bastion Committee

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    Cool.... ^^

    Just thought I'd mention you could drag it out over a longer time. Add in more discribing and stuff. Also the convosation between Elle and Mogei gets confusing, I had to re-read it a few times to remember who spoke when, just add in a he said ect every so often. But overwise great :D