So, I'm not really sure how to start this off, but I guess I might as well start off from the very beginning. Just let me say this now, I gave a lot of thought into posting this thread since I don't feel comfortable saying so much about my own life but...yeah. Anyway, last year a lot of things happened to me. And when I mean a lot, I mean a lot. I won't go into detail on what happened, but it was all mainly betrayal. I began talking to certain people after a certain...break up and that led to so much drama that it dropped me into depression. Someone had told me certain things I always wanted to hear from someone, that person disappeared without saying a single word and I fell into depression out of the fact I felt betrayed. During the start of my depression, I had breakdowns every night. I felt lonely, depressed, miserable, useless, etc. The majority of the time during a breakdown, I went into the fetal position and just cried for about half an hour or more. I have gone through so much betrayal in my life that every time someone stabbed me in the back, I bottled that feeling up and promised people I cared about that I'd help them no matter what and that I was always there for them if they needed me. Last year is when all of those emotions I kept bottled up for years finally just poured out with that one person disappearing that made me fall into depression. And of course, I masked how I felt when I was around someone. I never really felt comfortable when I showed how I felt towards people and I also felt as though I bothered people when I had my own issues. The reason I masked all those emotions. Certain people comforted when I had a breakdown, but the worst breakdown I had was when I practically lost my mind for a night and the day after. I went back to my usual depressing self a day or so later, but soon after, I was stabbed in the back again by someone I thought I could trust. Of course, that person and I argued and then we stopped talking. That same night, I simply felt anger. I was not sad or anything, until the day after where it hit me and I had another breakdown. A few weeks later, I argued someone else who...well, it's kind of hard to say the reason, but we argued because of certain things I won't say. That person and I stopped talking too. Throughout those months, there was someone specifically who never did hurt me and mainly stayed by my side as much as they possibly could. Well, that's what I saw. I won't say who unless they come in and say it for themselves. When the end of the year came closer, the person that disappeared ended up messaging me because friends of theirs were practically bothering me, asking me why I wasn't talking to them and such. We fought for a few days until we kind of cleared certain things. We do talk now. Now, for quite a few years now, my grandfather was very ill. He had cancer and he was admitted into the hospital frequently around holidays and stuff. He had almost died once on Christmas day in 2006. Thanksgiving and Christmas weren't all that fun because of all of this. Everything that happened in the summer, I had moved away from that even though I still felt lonely and I was still in depression. The only things that were eating away at me now were the things with my grandfather. New Years came along and I told myself that day that I wanted 2010 to be better and that I wanted to forget everything that had happened in 2009 so the new year wouldn't start out in a complete hellhole. First day of the year, it felt great. I felt...better and I didn't feel sad or anything. But, at night my mother had gotten a phone call from a relative in El Salvador saying that her brother had died. I sat in my room as I listened to what was happening. I didn't understand until I heard my mom crying and heard my dad talking on the phone with the relative. I went to my mom and my dad told me that her step brother had passed away. I did feel sad and I did cry because seeing my mother react that way scared me and made me sad. I was told that I met her brother when I was a baby, that's why I don't remember him. He had died from cancer. I was depressed a few days since seeing my mom depressed had upset me, but I was also upset since the first day of the new year, it had to start out like that. Anyway, we moved away from that and it all got better again. That same month though, my grandfather was admitted into the hospital. We found out that he had a tumor in his stomach, his kidneys weren't working, and because of the tumor, he was having trouble breathing. He also wouldn't eat and so they put a tube so that they would be able to feed him. Around the time for my grandmother's birthday, they decided to send him home because they felt that maybe if he was around his family, he would get better that way. But, he had gotten worse. He only stayed home for two days until they took him back and when my dad had taken my brothers and I to the hospital, we found out he was in intensive care. When I had gone into the room to see him, he was covered in tubes and he was trembling. All I could really do was hold his hand, cry and tell him I loved him. I left the room in tears. We were then told they were going to give him a breathing tube and that he'd be asleep the entire time. The medication they were giving him wasn't helping, the dialysis wasn't doing much for his kidneys so then my brothers and I were told that if he didn't get better over the weekend, on Monday they'd remove the medication, stop doing dialysis, removing all the tubes, including the breathing tube and see if he'd be able to survive that way. But, it was a very slim chance he'd survive. Then, over the weekend we were told that if we spoke to my grandfather, he would be able to hear us and his kidneys were finally starting to work. He was urinating little by little. Of course, this was good news to my family and I and so we were happy, believing my grandfather would be able to pull through. Monday came and I had woken up sick. I felt terrible and I felt as though I had the flu. I was in bed the majority of the time I got home from school. The day before that, a friend, who I consider family along with her own family, called me because I needed to talk to her about the things with my grandfather. During the time her and I were on the phone, she had told me her father, who I loved very dearly, was also in the hospital because he had pneumonia and an infection. Clearly, I was worried and I really wished I could have been able to see him. Monday came and I ended up getting a text from that friend saying her father passed away. I was literally...speechless. It was something I wasn't expecting to hear. For a split second all I did was stare at the text before dropping my phone. I quickly called though and she told me he had three heart attacks and by the third one, they couldn't bring him back. I didn't cry when we were on the phone talking, but when I had called my mom, that's when I had started crying. This person meant so much to me, and loved me so much since I took care of his daughter when he couldn't do it whenever he was extremely ill. I felt terrible since the last time I had seen him was last year during the summer. That same day, when we had gone to the hospital at night, we were told they were removing the medication they were giving my grandfather and would removing everything else except for the breathing tube. I was mainly mad. I cried, but if I had cried, I cried because I was angry. He died that exact same day. In less than a week, it's going to be a month since my grandfather and my friend's father had passed away. My family still talk about my grandfather, but I can't move away from it. I've been crying myself to sleep repeatedly out loneliness and the fact I will see neither of those two people again. It's extremely painful for me to actually know I lost two people I loved so dearly on the same day. I honestly don't even know what I'm asking with this thread. Ever since they died, everything I felt so long ago is coming back. The hate, the sadness, I'm beginning to bottle things up all over again. I can't tell my family since I don't trust them. I tell them something, and they go and tell the entire world about it. I feel as though if I laugh or smile, it's all unnatural and I prefer to cry and be depressed. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
Um... Don't really know what to say about this. I mean i know how it feels like to lose a person you love it's normal that you get depressed. About that try to think about the good times you spented with those people it really helps a lot. About your friend: remember real friends are the ones that will stick with you all times it does feel bad when someone betrays you but nowadays friends come and go there are hardly any good people out there. I do support the feeling of helping people when they need to but don't let them take advantage of you.
Oh man. This is really heavy. You must be tough as nails to be hanging on as long as you have. It's inspiring, to say the least, even if you don't feel like a champion right now. I'm glad you managed to open up and get this message out. Bottling up your feelings makes them exponentially worse, and no matter how much it's necessary at times, you shouldn't let it become the rule of thumb. Sometimes life is unfair; it forces things on you that you can't be expected to handle alone. If you can handle them, more power to ya. But reaching out for help is just as valid, and if you feel you need it, this is the proper thing to do. Concerning your first problem, I don't blame you for feeling depressed. Just please, don't lose your faith in people, no matter how much you're betrayed. You'll find people who will stick with you and always be true to you. Those are the ones in which you should confide. Always remember that you're worth something; and that something is at the very least honesty, integrity, and sincerity. If people don't show you that, they're not worth your time. You should cry for friends who love you. As for the deaths in your family(ies)... I can't say I have much experience with this. I'm sorry, but I've never had to deal with it before, so it's tough for me to make a call. All I could tell you is not to get stuck grieving, that your loved ones wouldn't want you to; it's the truth, but I can tell it's not very helpful nine times out of ten. Other than that, all I can say is, hang in there. You've still got a long life ahead of you, and for all your hardship, remember that there's plenty of happiness left to experience. You'd do good to the memories of the deceased if you rose above this and lived on.
