Don't really feel this is Help with Life-worthy, and hugs isn't really what this is about, but couldn't think of anything else to title it as. So today was the last day of summer quarter for the GED classes, and autumn quarter doesn't start until September 23. Anyway, because we're going to be gone about five weeks, I decided to offer one of my male friends there a hug. Here's how it went down: I offered him a hug; he rejected it. I said something like, "Come on! We'll be gone for about five weeks." He then sort of got confrontational and said that he's 20 now and doesn't like how the past year's been for him and needs to regain control of his life. (I don't even really understand what this is supposed to mean nor do I understand how him hugging me would have to do with him not having control over his life.) I'm not mad or upset at him at all -- we're great friends -- but if he didn't want a hug, that's all he had to say, as I would have understood. I let him know that I wasn't forcing a hug on him (when I said come on, it was my way of asking, "Are you sure?"), but he said he just wanted me to know. Has anyone else had similar experiences?
Yes, but I had it on the opposite end as you. I was the person who kind of snapped. It was around April Vacation, right before it, and I was going to go to Anime Boston under a huge financial problem. My mom was having me earn money from her, and at the same time I was having problem with classes, I was failing a class and I was on the final week of that class before the term switched and I had to take another class. A friend of mine who was going to AB with me walked up to me just after I was informed I would most likely have to retake the class if I did not get 100s on every assignment for the rest of the week. She held up her arms and said to me, "Hey we are going to AB in 3 days, do you want a hug?" and I told her no. Then she spoke again, "Awww but hugs help." and I kind of snapped and told her my situation and told her how a hug wouldn't solve it. I mean, I feel bad about it now, there were WAY more irritating things that had happened and I snapped over a hug. I still look back at it wishing I just took the hug, but I may have needed that vent.
Body sovereignty is an important thing to respect. It was right of you to ask before hugging, but some people just don't like being touched/hugged, even amongst friends. For a long time, I didn't--and I'm still a bit cold about it. If someone politely declines, sometimes it's best to just leave it at that--they wouldn't say no if they weren't sure. As cstar brings up, though, you really don't always know what's going on with someone (and this extends past just hugging) personally. It sounds to me like your friend was just under a lot of stress and snapped. It's not really anything to take personally, I don't think. He may have said it as a sort of "I'm just off today, don't take any offense." I really don't have that many people trying to hug me these days but unless it was a close friend or family member, I usually don't. Hugs really aren't a big deal and there are days I could use one, but to me they're rather ... intimate, I guess? That's a weird word to use when talking about a quick hug but yeah.
The thing is we've hugged before -- the last time being on July 24, a day before his 20th birthday. If we've never hugged before, I would have understood more. However, like I said, it wasn't that he didn't want to be hugged that sort of annoyed me (I guess that's the best term to be used here), it's that he unnecessarily got somewhat confrontational with his "I'm 20 now and I don't like how my life has been the past year. I need to regain control of my life." All he had to do was, as I also said earlier, just plain say no. I've yet to understand how him not hugging me equals him having control of his life still, though. However, I respect him enough that I just took it and didn't question it. Edit - 11:44 PM PT: Sorry, I didn't read your second paragraph right the first time. Anyway, no, I didn't take it personally, it just annoyed me because of the way he exercised it.
Well yes, him freaking out a bit and spilling his personal problems all over you was a bit strange, but it's back to how it relates to stress. Sometimes little things just set you off. It sounds like he is having some kind of control issues in his life so him putting him foot down about not being hugged might have been some sort of stand, an area of his life that he could control. It sounds quite complicated all for a simple hug but you never know what's going on inside of people's heads.
His mom goes there with him and also has an official tutor's license to help us, and she's told us that he was born a little bit autistic -- not like most kids to where they can't even communicate, but autistic nonetheless. I'm just going by what his mom's told us, but I think that because he often overdoes things like workouts to the point where he gets literally angry because of hormones, she is -- and maybe without realizing it -- always trying to control him. She's told us how each time he works out, he'll have to do more to get that good feeling you get from a good workout because of the autism, I think. For example, if it took him one hour to feel good from a workout, the next time it would take one hour and 15 minutes. Then there are some days where I'll just overhear them argue a lot because he doesn't want to work, for example, and she gets irritated because he just will slack off.
Some people just don't like to be touched. Others don't like hugs. Now you are in the right for that last part. Hugging him has nothing to do with his life that I can see. I also personally know some folk who hate be hugged by the same gender. They find in awkward.
As others have mentioned, he may just not wanted to have been touched. He also may have seen it as "homo" and was dealing with that at the same time. Don't be so distressed over it, nobody was in the wrong and you should respect him for what he wants. Don't try and question it, just respect his wishes and move on. A handshake would have sufficed, if he was so adamant about a hug.
That shouldn't be a factor. There's nothing wrong with heterosexual males hugging each other. I have another straight male friend that was always open to hugs when I went to high school with him.
It shouldn't be a factor but sometimes it sadly is. I know a lot of people that won't hug the same gender for that very reason of thinking it is homosexual and they won't have a part of it. I know its extreme and I completely disagree with them, but thats just how some are.
There's a friend of mine who's straight that had no problem talking about sex or sexual stuff with me during high school, which included sharing things like our masturbation experiences, but I won't go any further into that since things must remain PG-13. Anyway, one of the things we talked about was hugging; I'm not sure if this is always the case, but he said that males that won't hug other males are like that because they don't feel secure about their sexuality. I don't know if he meant not secure as in they might not be straight, that if they hugged another male they would become gay even though they're sure they're straight, or what, but that's what he said, basically. But yeah. I mean, I personally don't even see a problem if a straight male hugs a gay male. As long as the gay male knows the other guy is straight and doesn't come on or try to come on (flirting) to him, there shouldn't be a problem. I'm only mentioning males because it seems to be a bigger deal than with females for some reason.
Beyond issues of personal space or any sensual connotations, a hug can be an extreme gesture of vulnerability for many people. It says, on a subconscious level, that the one receiving needs comfort and the one offering is in a position to give it. That's probably what your friend meant by regaining control; maybe he saw it as an act of sympathy, and didn't want to be seen as someone who needed sympathy. Not saying it's right, just trying to unpack the thought process.
