Never Bring A Knife To A Gunarrow Fight

(The idea for this came after the "Find Xaldin" mission in 358 days. A Xigbar story, and takes place sometime after the aforementioned mission. It will go on for at least XII chapters. 1 for every member)

Chapter 1: Saix doesnt watch Dirty Harry​

Xigbar was never one to complain about anything. He didnt complain about his ranking in the organization, he didnt complain when half of their number had been wiped out and not one person other than himself found it suspicious, he didnt even complain when he found out that Xemnas, their leader and his former trusted teacher, had in all probability went Nucking Futs.

The reason for this was because as the Freeshooter he had gone to many worlds, fought many battles, and because of his job as recruiter had met a lot of interesting people. But the real reason was that his job kept him far far away from his old friends...

So when Saix told him that he was to go to Beast's Castle to have a little "chit chat" with Xaldin....Xigbar complained. "Cant you send anyone else? Anyone?" Saix just closed his eyes, smirked and said "Why Number II? not up to it?" "AS IF! that's not the issue, its just that this is a waste of resources. Send Kiddo or Mullet Head, theyre good at finding people." A sweatdrop on Saix's head. Xigbar raised his hands in the air with faked annoyance "You tried that already huh? "CRAP!"

Saix just leaned against the wall and said "Xaldin is one of the Organization's top assets. A founding member, an expert in battle, intelligent, calculating, and an expert on corrupting hearts." "If you love him so much why dont you marry him Sailor Moon..." "What?"

"Nothing, nothing." "He actually is worth more than yourself Xigbar." A twinge of something that was not quite a feeling but more like a memory of a feeling flashed through the hole in Xigbar's eye. Saix continued matter of factly "Let's consider your track record shall we? It was you who hired and vouched for Number XI, and look how well that turned out. You frequently break our rule about staying under the radar by participating in those boorish games at the Coliseum." The twinge was stronger now.

Saix smirked devishly. "And I imagine the Superior would be quite displeased to discover that his trusted Number II had been spying on him." Xigbar looked at Saix and said sarcastically. "Are you threatening me with nothing Saix? That's adorable. I mean my existence is so important to me and everything. What with the fights I've seen."

Saix scratched his chin in thought. "Do you mean to say that your death does not frighten you." Xigbar shrugged "As if. I Cant feel fear. Can you say the same? I've seen you too Moony, pining over that gigantic eyesore in the sky....asking it for when its your turn. You want it so bad...that your simulating feelings of need and fear of the unknown. Now me, Well...I'm always battling to the death with heartless or heroes...knowing that any day might be my last..."

Xigbar got right in Saix's face "So if it were you against me, with me having nothing to lose and you having that fear of the void, you better ask yourself." Xigbar smiled creepily as his yellow eye flashed "Do you feel lucky punk?" Saix backed down a step. "Well? Do ya?"

Saix was clenching his teeth ready to go berzerk. Xigbar just guffawed and lost his serious face. "Ha! Calm down Moonlight bay, just a joke. Ill go get Dreads, you just stay here and keep acting important." Xigbar put his palm up and summoned a dark corridor. Assuming his fight stance and summoning his weapon he started whistling. The sound faded away with the smoke and darkness. Leaving Saix alone to contemplate what had been said.

Xigbar had not been fond of any of his fellow founding members. Zexion was a tool, he had tried to warn him that their cause was mad, but did the bookworm listen. HA! as if. Lexaeus had always been duller than a sack of bricks. Not much to talk about. Vexen was...well he was...Vexen.

Xaldin was the worst of them though. When he was Dilan he had more complexes than Castle Oblivion, and becoming a nobody hadnt helped much. It was up to Xigbar to find out what kept drawing Xaldin to this world and drag him back if necessary. It didnt sound like fun and yet Xigbar wouldnt complain. The end of the corridor loomed showering Xigbar in light. He reloaded his arrowguns and said "Showtime."

To Be Continued

 

Chapter 2: Xigbar is NOT a fire hydrant​

Deep inside the Beast's Castle, farther into the dungeons, past the french candlestick and gay talking clock, Xaldin was standing outside the Beast's chambers watching the Beast freak out...again. Xaldin had a smile on his face that could make the devil cry and kill a squadron of puppies with just one glance (well not really, or else Xaldin would have been much harder as a boss fight, that would be a cool instant death move though) and he was breathing heavily while talking to himself.

"That's right... give in to the anger, accept the darkness, Hulk needs a smash." "Damn straight he does." Xaldin threw a spear at the voice behind him. But Xigbar was standing on the ceiling. "HI DILAN!" Xaldin twitched in anger at the sight of Nummber II.

Xigbar backflipped onto the floor and said. "OOOO...I heard that this place had a real heh heh "Beauty"... she must be working out some...hee hee frustrations...and your watching, Dilan you devil...you shoudlve told me sooner you know. ooo you even have cameras..." Xaldin held out his hands, trying to stop Xigbar from peeking "WAIT BRAIG DONT!!!"

"Let's see our lovely contestant...hmmm there's fluid on the floor...and rose petals..you naughty girl you...OH GOD IN HEAVEN WHAT IN HELL IS THAT THING DOING!!" Xaldin pinched his brows as the Beasts roar rang throughout the castle. "Braig...if you dont want to become the master of this castles fire hydrant...I suggest you run." "AS IF!!!"

And so a benny hill chase scene involving two nobodies, a beast with lots of unreleased sexual tension, and various talking furniture was had. Running through doors, coffins, hiding in living closets, and eventually losing him by hiding behind a mop bucket. Oh it was an epic homage to that chase scene. It is a shame that the author is unable to depict it in video...so instead here are some smiley icons to give you the general idea of what happened.

:why?: :sideways::yelling::rockband::guns3::sly::/8D::bangbang::sorry::guns2::stupid2::star-wars-smiley-02:gunwtf:

...and thats how it happened before Number II and III got away. It makes perfect sense. PERFECT SENSE!!!! back to the story now. Xigbar and Xaldin were huddled in a corner of the stairway, Xaldin had kept his cool, Xigbar was trying to stop shaking. "Dilan, you said that thing wasnt a monster, that it was human, that it wouldnt chase us like a goddamn rottweiler looking at a chew toy! WHY WAS IT DOING THAT!"

Xaldin sighed "If you had actually bothered to read the FULL report, Xigbar, then you would have seen that The Beast has human intelligence for the most part...except when in...." Xaldin coughed "...heat."

Xigbar stood up, and drew his gun on Xaldin "Wait a minute...Are you telling me you havent RTCed because youve been too busy watching FARM PORN!!!! AND THAT'S THE REASON THAT I WAS ALMOST RAPED BY A WARDROBE? IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE TELLING ME???!!!!" "Please dont tell the others." "AS IF!!! OF COURSE IM TELLING THEM..." "I've got cameras set up in the woman's quarters too..."

Xigbar's gun disapeared "Oh well in that case... if you give me all the videos...I might not kill you." "The superior must never know." "not like he's around enough to care anyway...but yeah, I wont tell...just make sure you show up for group meetings and Saix should overlook this..."

Xigbar walked through the corridor of darkness than trying to forget every horror that he had seen...and holding a brand new DVD.

(Next time, Play it Again Demyx.)

 

(For those who have been reading and were dissapointed by chapter 2's lack of seriousness and slight Xaldin bashing, sorry.

I know the title and first chapter had you all set for a fight between the Freeshooter and the Whirlwind Lancer, a duel of emotional proportions and I swear that's what I was going to do, but I just couldn't see Xig going out of his way to drag Xaldin back to HQ. plus I believe its in the spirit of Xigbar to have the chapters of this story switch from light and funny, to dark and serious.

So now I present Chapter 3 Part 1...and this time I will deliver what the title promised. A serious fight. with very few jokes. This ones about Roxas and his leaving the org. Set immediately after Xions death and Xigbar's wacky adventures in Beast's castle. so without further ado Here is........)

Chapter 3: Play it Again Demyx​

The corridor of darkness opened in the Grey area of the Castle That Never Was, smelling a bit like sulphur and gunpowder to Xigbar, and then it was gone. Xigbar looked around the lounge and muttered "Hmmm...my favorite couch is gone again... I think I might have left my gameboy in it...crap." A giggle came from a chair in the left side of the room. followed by a twang of a sitar.

"Ohhh man that's gotta suck Xiggy... I mean it'll come back but once something disappears in this room, its like it get magnetized. Remember when Saix bought that plasma TV? He went Berzerker mode for about a month."

Xigbar walked up to Demyx and slapped him on the back of the head. "Shadap!" "What'd I do... *slap* owww!!!" "Shadap." "What did you finally beat the boss or *slap*...owwwww!!!"

Xigbar rolled his eye. "Remember Mullethead, when I say "Shadap" I mean "Shadap" we clear." Demyx nodded "Crystal." Xigbar sat down on a nearby chair. "Good...how was your recon mission?"

Demyx chuckled. "I didnt go, X-face was too depressed to notice, how did finding Xaldin turn out?" Xigbar shuddered "Dont ask. thats some luck you got there mullethead, whats got ol X-face PO'ed this time?"

Demyx twanged his sitar, head down. "Roxas left, but not before beating the tar out of Saix at his worst...X-face is still down there talking to the moon."

Xigbar's eye widened, and he jumped up in alarm. "WHAT! Roxas left? why?" Demyx put his hands in a placating gesture. "I think its cause of Xion and her being...you know...Axel tried to talk with him afterword...but no dice as Luxord would say. Numero Ocho has been in his room since...come to think of it I havent seen Xion either..."

Xigbar was barely listening, he was already preparing his arrow-guns for battle and loading extra ammo. Demyx nervously asked "Uh...Xiggy, why are you acting crazy?" "Crazy? AS IF!!! We can't afford any more losses Number XI, not with Xemnas acting like he is...Not with an imposter going around and snooping on us...and not with that WITCH being alive and able to mess with people's memories to get them ten kinds of screwed up in the head.

Xigbar started walking down to the bottom of the castle, Demyx following on the staircase. "Kiddo and Dollface are both our own. Members of the Organization...and they can't just go around doing whatever they feel like, no matter how messed up it gets. Zexion may have been a tool, but he was right about one thing...this Organization is the rope that should bind us Nobodies...and even Replicas... together."

Demyx twiddled his fingers, "Um Xig, that was a real inspired speech and all...but Xion's got some kick to her now, and Roxas sure as hell wont go down easy...how do you expect to get them both back alive? DON'T SHOOT!"

Xigbar pointed the gun at Demyx and smiled. "Shadap" Demyx recovered and nodded solemly, givng a salute to Xigbar as he faded away.
Demyx sighed "Dont get yourself killed on me Xiggy...nobody else can take a joke."

Then the Melodious Nocturne noticed that Saix was shuffling towards him in pain. "Where's my...heart? Kingdom...Hearts." Demyx sighed and helped his boss up the stairs. "So close..." "Yeah yeah, save it for Xemnas's poetry corner buddy."

(Wow...that took a while, part 2 coming soon)