My life has been taking many diffrent turns at once and it's getting hard to keep up with life. I have alot going on and with everything that is going on I can't seem to let go of things in the past. I wen't through abuse for about 7 years of my life. And lately that has been comeing back to haunt me. I honestly don't know why but lately I seem to find myself dwelling on it and lately people seem to be brining it up. When everyhting first happened and I finally told my famiy what that terrible man was doing to me they did what they could to help me and always told me it wasnt my fault. Its been about 2 or 3 years sence I've told and I am still trying to let it go and adapt to life. Well lately my grandmother and parents have been bringing it up but in this case it's mostly my screwed up grandmother. In her eye's all of a sudden it's my fault. She has blamed me befor and I've tried to brush it off and let it go but lately she has really been on me about saying I should have told sooner that I let it all happen because I liked it (wtf? i was 5 when it started i was going to freakin slap her) and that I am just being stupid about it. Now I try not to listen to her but like I said she has really been on my about it. And with that I have really been stressing over it and now I am honestly believeing it is my fault that it all happened. I was a kid when it started and he threatened to kill/hurt me if I ever told. So that made me keep my mouth shut. So I tell myself that I was threatened and there was nothing I could do I was scared and confused. When then are start thinking that I am just making exuses for myself to try to shy away from the fact that it was my fault. I've been fighting with myself about that for a few months now. I try to let it go but I can't and it always comes back to haunt me. Sence I've been dwelling over it the nightmares came back. Now I don't sleep at all. But when I am able to sleep I get bad nightmares that its happening again or that this person hurts me getting revenage sence I told. Right now I am honestly stuck with this and would like some advise. Now alot of you already know how screwed up this lady is and what she has put me through over the years. Well for about 6 months now I havnt been going to her house every day like I use to. My brother works at the city Library here so I am able to go there for the day. There is no probelms with my parents about it or my brother sence I dont follow him. So sence I've been there I've been away from that crazy women and all the mental abuse she has given me and away from rasing my aunts kid. Well for these past two weeks my grandmother makes some kind of exuse for me to go there. So my mom says I have to stay there and I am left there. Well she had been going off on me all these two weeks. She said she has had it with me staying at the library that I need to be there with her during the day cause she is so oh stressed. Then she goes on about how ungreattful I am and crap. I went crazy again. Im tired of this lady yelling at me and such. Well I had to be there yesterday so she offered to my aunt that she would take care of the baby for her. So my aunt said okay and she left and the kid was infront of me. My grandmother looks at me and points to her and tells me to take care of her and she walks away. Now I have been rasing this kid for 3 years and she's not even mine. And I am so tired of watching her. Because when ever she does something wrong and I scold her about it everyone tells her I am wrong and just being mean. So I am stuck and don't know what to do with her. Thankfully for a while she was calm and watching tv and stuff. I thought while she was calm and watching T.V I would talk to a friend of mineon the net and also close my eyes for a while because I havent been feeling to well. Well about 5 minutes later my grandmother comes running down the hall screaming at me saying while I was being a bum and sleeping the kid got into all of her stuff a ruined everything. She really let me have it. So she made me clean everything up and do house work while at the same time watching the kid but now she is being wild. So basicly yesterday I was doing this list. Watching the baby Doing the dishes picking up what ever my grandmother said to tend to the dogs (feeding them letting them out eect ect) feed the kid give her milk give my grandmother coffee doing school work that needs to get done because I have a dead line but stressing cause I cant concentrate and holding down convo's on the net. I was doing everything at once. She just kept calling me and calling me and calling me to do stupid things when she knows I have all this other crap to do and school work to do. Now some people may be thinking "well why are you on the internet talking when you have all this to do?" Im on the net talking because I needed to keep sane. I put two of my friends through alot because I was so angry and emotinal. So talking to people in a way keeps me sane. Well then it hit. While I was putting away some stuff my grandmother again comes to me saying the kid almost killed the dog. Im like WTF how? she said she was choking the dog with necklesses. I was pissed because I was being blamed again. I cant watch her when im doing so many other things. So I had to tend to the poor pup to get all the stuff off her to make sure she was okay. Whoile doing that I had an emotial break down. Then the kid started being a smart ass and I was so close to just slapping her. Sence my life started up again with living with her I have lost my head alot and have been stressing because my life at home hasnt gotten any better. I look down on myself alot and hate myself. So a while ago I tried to start changing things and try to make somthing of myself and build a life for myself and prove to myself I am a good person and that I am something. I knew it wasnt going to be easy. But I started to work at it. But now sence all this stuff is happening agian I am loosing my will power thus the thought of killing myself comes back into play. I dont know how to keep myself up anymore and I dont know how to deal with everything anymore. Im starting to break down again and Im thinking this time its perminent. I cant handle all this at once but I cant take it one at a time cause everyhting happens at once here. Im started to lose will in staying alive. I dont know how to go through this anymore and how to put up with it. I thank you all who is reading this and being here for me. Though sence I post here alot I dont want anyone thinking im some kind of attention whore cause I'm not. Im honestly in need of help befor I lose it and do something I may regret.
How old is your grandma? If you can prove she's going crazy you might be able to get her put in a home. A really bad one. (I'm serious) If not I really don't see anything you can do except just try to get through it and remember that things will get better when you can get out of there. Also let me just make you aware of something: It was NOT your fault. As someone who was molested I know the feeling of thinking it was your fault, but you have to get past that. There was nothing you could have done, you were only five. Your grandmother is psychotic and a sadist, and so is anyone who tries to say it was your fault. It wasn't.
Where has your aunt (the mother of the child) been throughout this? Does she know that it's you doing the work watching the kid instead of your grandmother? If not, tell her. She may be able to get someone else to watch the kid, at least on some days. That'll take a large chunk of the weight off of your shoulders. And as for your grandmother: to even suggest that it was your fault that you were abused is just beyond sadistic. You should tell someone close to you that she's doing that to you. And by someone close, I mean whoever's your legal guardian. Someone who can do something about it. As Scarecrow said, you could even consider getting her put in a home if she's truly psychotic, which it sounds like she might be. And as for your self-esteem; keep at it. Keeping up your self-esteem should be as important as anything else in your life. It sometimes does feel permanent when you're in a low, but it does get better. People always say that, but it's because it's true. <3
This was not your fault. It is the last thing from your fault. What S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W said is very clever.
There is no way we can put her in a home. She is old enough but she can still drive and everything. She is extreamly healthy and doesnt even look her age =/ It doesnt get better though once I leave there. There is even more stuff to go through when I get home. BAscily both sides are bad ; ; I guess you're right. I am just tured of being blamed for it. It makes me feel terrible and makes me quiston alot of things =/ But you are right. thank you <3 My aunt wants nothing to do with her daughter she got tired a week after she was born hence why she is always with me. No one will take care of her no one wants to deal with her =/ I have told my parents. And Ive told other people but all they tell me is there is nothing they can do and for me to suck it up. I get introuble for even telling them about it cause they just dont wana listen. Either way with that I am always going to be stuck. thank you cx
The only advice I can give is to approach your mom or dad (whichever one your grandma is mother to) and say really nicely that you've been around her a lot, and you can see that she's really stressed and miserable and that you think it might be time for her to go to a home. It's worth a shot.
I have told them all that. They just tell me to put up with it. There honestly isnt anything I can do. I have to go there when my parents go to work they won't let me stay home alone =/ @_@ She is just a crazy old women who is hard to put up with. Thank you for the advice <3
