I usually don't drag my issues to KHV but I honestly cannot take it anymore. I'm not really sure where to start so bear with me. Lately I've been feeling depressed or angry or frustrated, sometimes without any particular cause. I'm almost certain I have untreated depression, but I'm not comfortable talking to my parents about it at all and have no means to see a therapist by myself. I'm also not good at talking to teachers anymore. The emotions I think are caused by the ****** year I've had so far. At the start of the school year, my parents (mother and stepfather) fought often and I had nowhere to turn, and about late November my father stopped talking to me altogether. I emailed him a few times but got no responses, and finally I got a letter from him saying he pretty much wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I haven't tried contacting him since. My parents still fight fairly often, but if I even try to tell or indicate to them that it's upsetting me I end up getting dragged into the argument. And when my parents aren't fighting with each other, it's with me, and recently it's become more violent than it has in previous years. The insults directed at me have gotten worse and things have been thrown at me and hit - not pillows either, I'm talking hardcover books, metal rulers, things that are heavy and hurt like hell. I've considered running away for a few days because of this, since I do know how to survive outside for short amounts of time, but for whatever reason I'm convinced otherwise by my friends every time. When I say friends, I mean friends from KHV. I don't really tell my friends at school about this kind of thing, since my parents are always nice to them, and one of my closest friends has even mentioned that it seems to her like my mother likes her more than me. And honestly, she's probably right. I don't know what I'd say to my friends at school, they know me as a person that is rarely depressed and constantly makes jokes to cheer others up and is supportive. Which is true, I do act like that in front of them, and I do my best to make my friends smile, but some of that cheerfulness is a mask I use to avoid questions from them (or teachers). So I don't really have anyone to talk to at home or school, and the one friend from school that I do confide in is, as of this morning, in the hospital due to a car accident. And finally...the main thing that has been causing me hell for the past few months. I'm taking a course called Capstone, and basically it's a year-long research project on a subject of my choice. I decided to do it on the history of art in video games, since gaming is (obviously) something I love. Well...the class is pretty much hell. My teacher is new to the program, so he's trying to prove that he can get us to finish our projects before spring break (mid-April) and because of that he's been a huge ass to the entire class. I'm not saying this because it's just me having problems - he's literally using our class as a means to prove his point. Yeah, we're ahead of the other classes, but our grades are suffering quite badly because of it. For example, in my thesis I wrote last year as an idea of what I was going to do for my project, I mentioned that if I had time at the end of the year, I would make a game. Before winter break, he asked me how progress on my game was going, and when I said that I hadn't made a game, he said that I had to because I said I would in my thesis. I was behind on writing at this point because I was looking desperately for sources on video games that weren't online, which is nearly goddamn impossible because there really aren't that many books on video games, let alone the history of art in them. I also had my flashdrive stolen during a critical time early on, causing me to lose all my game design stuff from the summer and several essays I had written. I was going to use my break as a way to catch up on writing, but now I had to put that off to learn how to use the program to make the game. By the end of the two weeks, I had some of the essays rewritten, but I had made a decent amount of progress on my game (including making seven sets of my own sprites) and showed him that when we got back. He said the essays were bad and that I should've spent less time making the game. He also has no idea what my project focuses on, even though I've explained it to him several times, and in order to seem like he knows what he's doing he goes on Wikipedia and lectures me about what I should include in my essays in front of the entire class. Note that the things he looks up and pretends to know have absolutely nothing to do with my project, and again, I've told him that. And yes I know he looks it up on Wikipedia because I had started my basic research by link surfing on it and read exactly the same thing as he says. Anyway, today I sent him an essay, which he responded to by saying that it was unacceptable because it had one cited source from the internet and that I should have more non-internet sources, and that it was written entirely in first person. The one cited source is from Wikipedia to show where the gaming term sprite originated from, and it's the only place I have found a definition of it. The majority of the essay is about sprites and common knowledge things (and according to this teacher, common knowledge doesn't need to be cited), while the last two paragraphs are my personal experience with working with sprites. They are the only two paragraphs of seven that are written in first person. I didn't know how to change all of that to third person, so I asked my friend, who is doing a similar project to mine but with theater. This is what I got. Please tell me I'm not the only one that sees something wrong here. :/ So now I have to rewrite my essays that have first person in them, or I'll be getting an incomplete for the quarter, meaning my college acceptance may be jeopardized. I really don't know what to do at this point, this is probably the lowest point of my life so far and I notice it more and more. I can't sleep, I don't really eat, and I've had some pretty dark (and suicidal) thoughts recently. Like when I'm driving sometimes my mind wanders and I'll think about just driving off the side of the road and wonder if anyone would really care that much. I doubt I'd actually do that, but the fact that the thought's come up more than once (kind of frequently now) bothers me a lot.
The only advice I can give you is for your capstone problem, since all my solutions for your other problems haven't worked. You've already said you're going to do this, but talk to your advisor, it's probably the best way to get the ridiculous way your teacher is solved. Other than that, the best thing I can recommend is that you should tread softly around your parents until you can find a solution. Try to avoid getting into their anger range when they become mad over something. I'll try and come up with some better ideas. Hopefully someone else can give you some better ideas to try.
I'm not surprised that you wouldn't mention your recent dilemmas to your parents, they're constantly fighting. Avoiding them would be the best thing to do until things cool off. Maybe even trying to go to friends' houses as much as possible would be a good solution, especially friends you trust & are close to. I would recommend talking to a relative that isn't involved much within your household problems, so you can let your emotions out verbally, in addition to typing. Talking to friends would be a secondary option. Anyone who is knowledgeable and you know you can trust, would be the spot on person for you to discuss your feelings with.(I'd firstly recommend a relative though, considering what you've mentioned about your friend(s). As for your Capstone situation, I've been in a similar situation, where a teacher wants to prove their authority by pushing their students to a limit they cannot fully handle at the moment. What I would recommend(from not knowing too much about the course you are taking) is to just to be consistent, and continue doing what you are doing. If that doesn't work, then being slightly rebellious and showing him that you are not ready to go by his unfair agenda, but in the nicest way possible. (I wouldn't recommend doing that though). What you should consider doing is relaxing, and taking a second to think things through and forgetting about the negatives. Take a look at the good that you have done, reflect on things that you've accomplished which make you feel proud. Building confidence and some optimistic thought will allow you to take on the challenges that are thrown at you. Do not commit suicide no matter how tough things may seem to get. I hope I did help a bit..
Well...the solutions may not have always worked, but you do cheer me up afterwards, and that helps a lot. Yeah, I'll talk to her next time I see her, which may be Friday. Apparently she's been hearing he doesn't run the program right, so that might actually get me somewhere. And hopefully my parents will leave me out of things, but it's getting to the point where they complain about me not spending time with them downstairs and every time I decide to go sit in the same room as them some kind of conflict comes up. >> My parents have been fighting like this on and off for years though, this is just the first time it's gotten this bad. But yeah, I'm trying to avoid them as much as possible. I've gone to a few of my friends' houses recently, but due to the massive amounts of snow in my area that's not something I can do often because I'm still uncomfortable driving in snowy conditions. Relatives are kind of a bust too, since my aunt lives literally two minutes away from me, and my cousin's only eleven and I don't want to expose her to this kind of thing. Aside from that...I don't really have any other family, which is why it ends up being some of my closest and long-time friends from here. Don't get me wrong, talking to them definitely helps, but it's the sort of situation where I can't talk to them during the day because we're in a completely different state/country. I am doing the work, catching up at least, but it's like he's coming up with every possible excuse to fail me for the quarter. Again, I'm gonna talk to my advisor as soon as possible, so hopefully that'll get sorted. If not...we'll see where I'll go from there. :/ I guess I'll try that if I have time...that's another problem, I have so much **** going on I barely have time to think. Yeah, like I said, I doubt I actually will, it's just the thoughts that are bothering me, and I know that's probably something I can't get rid of without professional help. You've definitely helped, thank you.
Since either your or my internet is being stupid, I'll reply here. About your parents, that's unacceptable. I know we've spoken about this on more than one occasion, but you should really talk to a counselor or someone in a similar position about that. I know you said you're not that good at talking to teachers, but it could help a great deal if you do. Schools won't put up with that crap. As for your Capstone, you should get your friends in the class and any of your other classmates that feel the same way about the teacher to complain to whoever runs the program at your school. Since he's new, they'll be more likely to believe that he mucked up. On the matter of the work itself, what I try to do when I'm overwhelmed with work is get about an hour or so worth of work done, then relax for half an hour to an hour. Listen to some music, have a snack, stuff to keep you relaxed and motivated. This classy website can set a nice atmosphere: http://www.rainymood.com/ And of course you know that I, along with the others, am always more than happy to talk to you about your troubles whenever. So in the midst of all this if you need help with anything, you know how to reach me. :] Good luck, sis. I know you'll make me proud. You always do.
If your father wants nothing to do with you, then he has no right to be called your father except in legal issues. As horribly as I'm probably making it sound, you need to stop thinking of him as your father. If I've gotten the right impression of what kind of person you are, once you stop expecting him to love you, you'll start to feel better. If I was wrong, it might just make you feel worse. I actually have a similar (yet not nearly as bad) situation with my grandpa. He left my grandma and moved to Florida before I was born, so I haven't known him very well until recently. But I've always known from the start that he does care about the entire family up here in Ohio. Or rather, his wife loves all of us (even grandma, they're actually fairly good friends) enough that he gets involved too. But whenever it comes to visiting us, he always has some excuse, usually to do with hurricane season. One of the biggest (and most recent) things that he missed out on was my sister's wedding. The very most recent is my graduation this May. They were actually making plans to come because a grandfather figure for me died over the summer, but he had to cancel because his wife is ill and he wants to take care of her. We all know that he's never been good for anything when it comes to illness. So eventually I just stopped expecting anything from him. He's a great grandpa and I know he loves and is proud of everyone in my family up here, but there's no reason to think he'll do anything more than $50 birthday cards and seemingly one sided conversations over Skype. It's not nearly as bad as your problem, but I feel the principle is the same. But do take this particular advice with a grain of salt. I don't want you to end up hurting even more than you are now and especially if it's because of my advice. For your parents arguing, just say exactly what's on your mind, go to your room, and slam your door. Then take whatever punishment they give you knowing that you did the right thing. On running away, I have faith that you can do it for a couple days. If you're the kind of person I imagine when I think of and talk about you in real life (yes, I do this), you're tough enough to survive on your own for a couple days. It would also get your point across very nicely too. And, if you don't think just running away will do it, try some sort of suicide threat, saying that if they love you they'll meet you in X location at Y time. It's a proven fact that parents respond to the combination of running away and even the thought of suicide more emotionally than anything else. On the actual suicidal thoughts, that's normal. Everyone thinks about killing themselves when they get sad enough. I do. It's just human nature. As far as thinking about just veering off the road like you were talking about, I think that's subconsciously how you want to die. Not just the car part, but also hoping that nobody would care because then nobody would have to be sad about it. If I'm right about that, then you're one of the most selfless people I know to wish to give up on people remembering you in order to spare them pain. I'm likely to be wrong on this, but at least think about it. And that's really all I have to say. Sorry if it got loooooongwinded up at the top. I wanted it to be shorter, but it just got so long that I don't want to delete anything from it.
I suppose close friends would work well then. As for your teacher, I suppose what you're doing is the correct way to handle it. He seems stubborn and closed-minded in thought. Basically, keep doing what you are doing, things will work out well. And I am glad that I have helped. =) It makes me glad that I am not the only one who doesn't know about that website.
This might be the best option. I went through serious parent trauma when I was really young, mostly caused by my dad, and I've learned to just stop expecting him to play the role of father. If he wants to start making things right again I'm not going to say no, but I've stopped waiting for him to do it. And it's helped me a lot. It's sad to just let go of your father like that, but it doesn't seem like you have a choice. Attempting to continue a relationship with him is just going to hurt you more. Maybe one day you'll be able to reconcile things, but if this is an accurate representation of his usual behavior then... well, I wouldn't hold your breath. And don't be afraid to talk to someone, even if it's just venting. All through my parent's divorce I didn't let myself feel any pain, didn't comprehend what was going on, and didn't talk to or even tell anyone what was going on. I regret that so much, because that experience really messed me up for a long time. It's part of why I developed anger issues at a young age, and I'm still really affected by it, even after nearly ten years of it being over. I don't want that to happen to you. If you ever need to talk, I'm here, I've been through similar ****, I know how horrible it is to be let down by a parent. But don't bottle it up ever, just let everything out. As for your stepfather and your mom fighting, you could try suggesting that they go to marriage counseling. I don't think that there is anything that you can do to help them at this point, but them taking this out on you is not okay. I would say to just try to hold on until you go away to college, but that's quite a few months away, so really, talking to a friend that you think might have parents willing to take you in isn't such a bad idea. I know that you're concerned because they really don't know about what's going on at home, but if you trust one of them enough and if they're a true friend, they'll listen. If you don't have anyone like that though, would your aunt take you in? It's nice of you to want to protect your cousin from this sort of stuff, but sometimes you've just got to put yourself first, especially when your personal safety is at risk. If you think you have some form of depression, really all I can recommend is going to a doctor about it. As for the school thing I've really never been in a situation like that, but I agree with Fayt, seeing a counselor/adviser of some sort might be your best shot.
Yeah...but I always think that it won't get worse, like maybe they'll finally stop yelling or throwing things. I'm always wrong about that, but it's that little bit of hope that prevents me from talking to another adult. And I mean...I'm leaving in what, four months? I honestly don't know how much good it'd do at this point. We're trying to come up with an argument of something along those lines, but it's getting everyone in the class to agree that's also a problem. He favors one of the kids that's in his homeroom, so he's not getting any crap, but I've started to talk to the other Capstone teachers and asking them for advice and such. Haven't had time to talk to my advisor though. I'll try that, thanks. :] Thanks John. D: I'm trying to, but we used to be really close, like a lot of the stuff I do today that makes me who I am was introduced to me by him. I know that even if I let go of him, so to speak, I'll still have those memories but I'm afraid those will hurt more. When I've tried that they've gotten madder at me though, like to the point where if I try to lock my door they actually pick the lock just so they can come in and continue yelling at me. I guess I could change the lock, but given how they are I doubt that would end well either. Yeah, I know for a fact I could survive a few days in the woods, I've been camping with my dad and he's shown me how to make fires and stuff like that. Plus I do know the combination to my family's gun safe and know how to use the light pistol we have, which would be used only for defense in a worse case scenario (which is coyotes in my area but none have been sighted recently anyway). Not sure if the threat of suicide would be effective or not though, since that may make them hover over me and watch my every move more and I really don't think I could deal with that. That may be half-true, should anything like that happen I don't want it to affect the people I love, but I consciously know that it would. In the end I suppose it'd be a hypocritical situation. Thanks for the help. I know I'll have to do that, but like I said it's going to be really hard. Hell, I'm not even sure why this started either, so I probably won't be able to really let it go until I figure that out. :/ That used to be one of my major issues, I had fewer people to talk to than I do now. My anger issues used to be much, much worse than recently, not all of it really caused by my family but from the people I went to school with. Not gonna get into that now but yeah, I know what you mean by it taking a long time to recover. And thanks, I may be taking you up on that offer to talk soon. I'm going to make one last offer to him and ask if he wants to go to the accepted students day at the college, if he doesn't reply then I'll know what direction to deal with this. I might try that, even if they have a habit of not listening to things I say when they're in the middle of an argument. Right now waiting it out pretty much is the plan since nothing else has worked, but I am always up for suggestions. I know a few friends of mine that might be okay with that, and I've sort of told two of my closest friends that I've been having issues at home but haven't gone in detail. My aunt might, I honestly don't know. She means well but she's a bit...weird? I can't explain it but it's the kind of thing where she would either say nothing to my mom or tell her immediately. Honestly, I do want to go back to a doctor, because it helped me so much last time I was this depressed and my family actually started to get along better, but I personally don't have the money to go by myself. I know that if I asked my parents they'd say no, since they're the ones that decided that we'd stop going. Wasn't due to money problems or anything, just that they didn't want to deal with it anymore. Thanks for the help, Misty. :] Anyway...on a more uplifting note, the friend I mentioned that was in a car accident a few days back is okay. She has some really bad bruises, but nothing's broken that we know of. Right now I'm just hoping the healing will go okay, but...yeah. One less thing that's stressing me.
It's Totally not Ok that your parents are hurting you! Yelling at you when you do something wrong is fine but Throwing things at you?!! That's crazy! You really need to tell someone Wolfie because you never know what they might do one day... About you dad I can say I have almost the same problem as you do. I live in NY and my Dad's in AZ. He never calls unless I call him and he didn't even call to wish me Congratz on getting into The Natinal Jounor Honor Seicorty. I probabby see him once a year maybe twice if i'm lucky. I think that you should just try not to think about him. Thats what i do and its sad but sometimes its just what you have to do About your crazy teacher: Try talking to him act him why hes acting the way hes acting and if that gets you nowhere speck to someone over him. And I'm happy that your friend's OK
I know it's not okay, but there's not much I can do to stop them. And I don't really try and block whatever they throw at me because they'll keep doing it until they feel like they've gotten a solid hit. I know the danger of it, but I don't know how (if I even can) stop it. My dad's only about an hour north of me, but...even then, he's missed some of the biggest accomplishments of my high school career. He didn't call back when I told him I got into the National Art Honors Society, let alone when I got into college. I guess I'm slowly starting to expect less of him, but damn, it's hard. Yeah, I've tried talking to him so at this point I'm going to find my advisor and talk to her. Thanks, I appreciate it. Not yet, I haven't been able to find her when she's had the time to talk. I'm gonna keep trying though, despite getting the incomplete for the quarter. :/ Anyway...another issue's come up. For those that don't know, Chinese New Year is later this week. The other day I heard my mom talking to my aunt about what we're going to do to celebrate, since it's a fairly big deal for my family. It also happens to be my grandma's birthday. Turns out my mom's taking my aunt, cousin, and grandma to lunch and completely ignoring me in the matter. I brought it up to her later and she's like "Well you have school." and I said that I could take the day off because it's a holiday for us, and my school gets off for almost every other ethnic holiday (and if we don't get off, the people it applies to take off); plus I'm a senior and at this point I don't need to be in school all the time. Granted I don't want to miss school much, but it's a family holiday and it is pretty important to me. But my mom said no to that. So I said that she could just sign me out during my lunch period, which is nearly an hour long, though she also said no to that. I explained that it's important to me, since it'll be the last time I'll be home for New Year's and...as depressing as it is, my grandma probably won't be around for that much longer (relatively speaking). And after all this she's still taking the others to lunch without me. :/ Don't know how to deal with this and it's upsetting me quite a bit. My parents also don't believe me when I say I have an allergy to most fruit and vegetables...which is becoming increasingly problematic for me because they're starting to force me to eat the things I'm allergic to. I'd like to say it's nothing serious, but unfortunately it's not, 90% of the time my throat starts to close up and it's difficult for me to breathe. Once again they don't believe me and I don't know how to prove otherwise to them without an allergy test; the downside is I have a pretty bad fear of needles and I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle that.
