First Note... Hey, guys. I don't really know how to say all this; I really don't. I'm not asking for help, I'm asking for opinions on why these are all happening. ...okay, I'm asking for help. If you don't want to read some parts, it's okay. I'll try to separate this so it's easier for you. So, let's do this in ascending order. My Paranoia... Every day, I feel like something is behind me. And while I choose to ignore it, it keeps lingering and lingering until I look back. Then the feeling disappears but slowly fades in again. And whenever I'm on the stairs, alone, I feel like something's just hanging around there. Coincidence, my dog, when he used to be inside the house, barked at the stairs at midnight. It scared me. So, I told my friends this. Not my mom because, well, I kind of don't want to disappoint her. Anyways, when I told my friends, they just said I was paranoid and I would get over it. I want to believe them, but the feeling just thickens. I pray and the feeling goes away (this is why I'm still Catholic/Christian <3). I sometimes see black figures, but I think that's just my, possibly, lack of sleep. What do you think? My Friend... I have a friend. She's been a friend of mine for a long time, compared to some. But, recently, she's not really talking to me. I mean, she does, but whenever it's me, her (let's call her kye. I want to because the real spelling of X or what Xehanort calls "kye" is actually spelled as "chi" which is her nickname. Yeah, irrelevant) and Kops (we call her by her last name. This is just a nickname for her last name), she usually tells Kops like she's a best friend. I'm not really treating this as a problem. It just bothers me, but, should I do something? Should i try to do the same, only be fair this time? If you wonder why I'm being so insecure about this is listed below, and you will understand. As of now, all you know is that I'm paranoid and I don't know if I should be a better friend and try to change myself for her (be more fun, etc,) or if I should just leave things be. Oh, and it seems, from someone else's eyes, that I have a preference. Kops > Kye. But it's not because I like them both... </3 My Other Friend... My best friend moved to Australia. It was devastating at first, but after a while, not really. Other people cried over her when she left, but I didn't. I didn't know why, but when I look back, it's because we both changed since the third one left. So, you see, we were actually a trio. Me, her (let's call her Kairi, because I want to), and Pot (you'll see why we separated). We separated (as stated) and Pot left, friendless. Me and Kairi stayed together throughout the year. During that year, she was changing. She began to like KPOP, the in-thing now, but I honestly don't like Koreans at all (I'm sorry). When she left, I didn't know what to do. I didn't. So, I just bought her stuff, hugged her, said the things from the bottom of my heart, but it didn't seem much. I only hoped that it meant something. Now, she has new friends. I was jealous at first, but now, I'm better. I'm happy. But I still feel a tinge of jealousy. Not really "jealousy" but, like, "a taste of your own medicine", and I sometimes rub it in her face (with just one or two sentences, though. I have self-control) that she's not here anymore. So, basically, she's not my best friend anymore. I don't want to have another one. I really don't. Am I wrong for thinking this? Can I stop myself from being such a beezatch? My Other, Other Friend Who Could Be Reading This... I'm so sorry, Xion. I really am. I don't know how I can be someone you think I am. If you're reading this, well, just tell me what you think in IM. Offline or not. But, well, you consider me a best friend, and subconsciously, I think I do, too, but I don't want to. I got hurt twice, and I don't want that to happen a third time. A bit too much and 3 is my favorite number. I'm so, so sorry. You have the Reborn-addict, anyway. My Stalker... When I was 9, or Grade 3, I was a bit of a loner, but friendly and nice. I liked making people laugh and all that. Then, this girl, let's call her Pot, came up to me. She was one of the populars. As in, she hung out with the popular kids, but like most dramas, she was hated. It was obvious, and she actually noticed. So, almost everyday, she cried, and she would go to me for help and advice. Eventually, she became the only one I spent time with, and we became best friends. No problems, right? Well, yeah. I learned to like her and all. But Grade 6, things started happening. You see, we get shuffled every year. Kairi was still here. She was in another class. I didn't meet Xion, Reborn, or the third one, um, let's say Zo. If confused, sorry, but, well, on with the story. Me, Kairi and Pot were okay at the 1st part. But then Pot started complaining. She complained to Kye and Kops how I was indifferent to everything she says while I'm all laughs with Kairi. My fault, you may think, but keep reading, please. Things started getting out of hand. Kops and Kye came up to me and told me about it. They didn't like her. They hated her. She was a horrible, horrible, attention seeker. She lied and liked to make up stories so all eyes were on her. She liked to make up stories so that other people would be at blame. It worked with the counselor. Anyways, at some point, things reached its climax. I found out all about her. She lied about everything, she was a horrible friend to me, she was the source of my problems, she was never sympathetic and expected the same, she was never entertaining but expected others to be so. She was a hypocrite. A lying hypocrite. But I was patient. I told her she should change. But no. She wouldn't. So we ended up breaking apart, her being the one left alone. Me and Kairi, like I said, stuck together until she left for A just last year. Grade 6 was 2 years ago. Now, it's Grade 7, nearing the end of the year (our school system is June-March), and well, she's stalking me. She keeps saying "I want to be friends with [Sufris] again." and all that when it is honestly possible, but she has to change first. She grew worse. She's just being annoying and all that, and the rest of the class bears with it. I just want to tell her off the bat: "[Pot], you got all the benefits from our "friendship". It's supposed to be mutual, not ****ing onesided. You lied to me. You lie to make everyone think you're great. You lie to make everyone else at fault. You're the horrible friend, not me. You etched into my mind that I will never be a good friend. That I'm a horrible person. I'm changing that, but it's hard. It's your fault. I can change; but I won't. I won't because I'm not the one who should like you said. It's you." Kops lately has been a target of hers, btw. Pot talks to her like she's a best friend. I don't want Kops to have to bear with her. My...self... I am fat. I look ugly. I am lazy. I am a failure. I am useless. These are what my mom tells me everyday. And I believe them. Because they are true. They really are. Anyways. I have skin asthma, so I really do look ugly. My skin looks like it was scraped off from a chicken and super glued to my supposed beautiful skin. I don't know how to get rid of the skin asthma because it always comes back. Then there's the lazy part. I'm naturally lazy and I know that's my fault. Just how can I stop myself, though...? And my being fat. I can't help it if I accidentally over eat. But I want to change it. I really do, and I try, but my mom just... The tricky part. I don't know if I'm useless or a failure. I don't know. I get high grades, don't I, mom? I try to help you, don't I? Why, isn't that enough for you, or do you want this Stephanie-the-bank-accountant to be your daughter instead because she's so perfect? I can't be perfect, mom, please. My Family... We're five. Me, my brother, my sister, my dad, and my mom. My dad, I could care less. My mom, she doesn't tell us her age. I'm 13 right now, going 14. Among the three of us, we're conveniently separated by 6 years. So that makes my brother 19 right now and my sister 25. Where to start... From my point of view. So, me and my mom were going to fetch my brother, I think. Or go somewhere in general. We were in the car, when suddenly, my mom asks, "would you like to know something that made me really sad today?" "Sure, mom. Anything." She stayed silent, then said: "No, some other day." That some other day came in late October, I think. Late October or Early November. It happened because we found an eyeliner in my dad's car that belonged to no one. I think I should explain a bit more before that. You see, my dad is temperamental. He bangs tables, gets mad easily, walks out often, has a superiority complex, all the bad things. He goes out most of the time and we don't see him. He always texts us, though, saying he was going some place far to check on a project (our family deals with the making of buildings, i.e churches, houses, etc). We were stupid to believe him. My mom told us that night, when me and my brother found the eyeliner, that our dad was cheating on her. Since my sister was 6 or 7. That was a big blow. Until she told us more. One of his girlfriends, yes, one of, was texting her. Apparently, my dad is a chatterbox. He tells her, and every other girl he flirts with, everything about us. He goes out with girlfriends and all that. My mom let him. Then, we found out what he was doing. Those projects? They were houses for them. For their families. We (my mom) found papers regarding money being given to etc, etc, etc. And they cost over a million, which is about $3000 for US, but it's still a lot. He never gives us that much. Never in all my life. Then, soon, we found out that when he overnights away, like in some random hotel, he's having sex with other girls. My mom even found pictures of pregnancy tests and everything. As if that wasn't bad enough, one of his girlfriends was a syndicate leader. Stupid. She was the "center" of the issue in the office. She was stealing money from our business, over millions in total. And she still has the guts to seduce my dad who is like 50 already into hot sex. It disgusts me. My Mom... She's being affected and won't admit it. Every day, when she talks, it leads to my dad. It always does. "Don't be like your dad," "be smarter than your dad!" "always bring your girlfriend/boyfriend here if you have one. You don't want to make the same mistake I did!" "Oooh! Your dad is such a pain!" even if we just ask something about school or something. She, as you know, insults me everyday. Then she denies it. She says I'm ugly, then the next day, she says I'm beautiful. Now, I'm kind of thankful she stuck to one answer. But it's the first. "You're ugly." Same with everything else. She goes berserk at everything. Do this, she gets insecure and gets mad. Do that, she gets twice as mad. Don't do anything and stare at her worriedly, she gets triple mad. I don't know whether I should take her lectures nowadays to heart or if I should ignore them as they're always useless banters. Once, I told my mom about my paranoia problem, actually. She believed me. Then reprimanded me 5 minutes later for being a wimp. Or lazy. I get high grades. Over 80 at least. That's high, ain't it? Relatively, at least. I try my best, and that's good enough. But all she really does is read my report card, smile, say "good," and put it aside. She doesn't really appreciate what I'm worth. But I'm used to that. She's had such a bad shopping problem lately. She can't stop. I'm thinking this is her form of stress relieving, but in the long run, it's going to screw her--no, us--over. We tell her that, but she doesn't listen. And now, she goes out a lot with friends and comes home like, 9:00 or later. 12 midnight, even. To put it in a nutshell, she never listens nor understands, she's always angry, insults us and then denies, depresses us with the clinging fact that we're in a horrible family, proves every week that her marriage is falling apart and won't believe it, doing nothing, suddenly having the same habits as my dad, etc, etc. Last Note... Hm. It doesn't seem to be as bad as it sounds. I guess that's my fault for being a horrible storyteller. Haha... ...I'm...I'm so sorry KH-V. I don't break down like this. But I had to. I'm so sorry, so, so sorry. I just need a little help. Maybe a little "stay strong, Sufris!". Anything, really. Just as long as this gets read, because I can't take it anymore. I need words, not a small pat on the shoulder and "things will be better. Come on, we have homework." I just want to be heard this time. Just this once is fine.
It's probably just you connecting dots and seeing things that aren't there. It's probably something that will pass with time, although if it bothers you, you could see the school counsellor, or a doctor about it. There's not too much I can say about this, and it really boils down to either ignoring it or getting porfessional help. (Preferably without telling your mother) On the off-chance it is something supernatural, then just go with the flow. It'll make an interesting story to tell later, and so far, no one has been killed by slenderman. :p It can't hurt to try to get closer to Chi. You could try hanging out with both her and Kops at the same time. Even so, provided you don't lose the friendship of either, it's fine, right? Maintaining a long-distance friendship can be difficult. It's natural that something like that would weaken over time. That's no reason to decry having a best friend. You can't stay focuses on just one friendship. You need to move on so you can heal. Perhaps it would help to stop thinking of people as Best Friends and just think of them as good friends instead. You're attaching a powerful label to it, when there's no real need to. You can still be Xion's friend, and enjoy her company. It doesn't matter whether you call her a friend, a Best Friend, a girlfriend or a wife, you'll still feel the same way about her. It's those emotions, and not the label, that's important. Don't say anything extensive to Kops about her. It'll only serve to damage your reputation in her eyes, as if you're trying to drive them apart. If Kops complains, by all means, be sympathetic, but for the most part, this is now her problem, not yours. You have already left that mess behind; you want nothing more to do with it. Also, it's possible Pot is turning over a new leaf, so to speak. Don't ruin her chances with Kops. Support Kops, but don't try to make her get rid of Pot. I'll cover the rest of it later, as I've got to go to school now. Hang in there though. You'll be able to cope.
The key word in that second one is "look." You look ugly. That doesn't necessarily mean you're ugly in every aspect of your being. The fat and lazy go hand in hand. In my opinion it's okay to overeat as long as you get in enough physical activity to balance it out. As for laziness, just remind yourself how orgasmically good it will feel to prove your mom wrong. As far as your mom never recognizing your accomplishments, maybe she's superstitious and thinks that if she praises them or gloats about them to other people, she'll lose them. She may be very happy with you and not show it because she doesn't want to lose you. No living person is ever useless. But some people refuse to believe that simple fact.
I agree with keyblade spirit on this,You said you make people laugh and smile right?That means your personality is beautiful.As for you're mom,she's wrong.You not useless or a failure.
about your paranoia have you tried an EMF meter to see if your house has high EMF? if you don't know what EMF means it means electromagnetic frequency, thing's like wires, carbon dioxide, or even mold can give off high EMF readings which can cause paranoia, so I would try and check if you have high EMF in your house.
Hm, I'll try that. :3 Thanks. Rawer. That last paragraph doesn't settle with me. XD Thanks, anyways. It'll probably leave over time, yes. That's the problem. She's pushing me aside. ;__; Not entirely, but, you know. I'm just really wondering if I'm just making something meaningless have a meaning. You can say, because of stalker-girl/Pot, I'm scarred. ;__; But yeah, okay. Thanks...again. XD I know, but she thinks of ME as one, and, I'm sort of pressured. I don't know, it's like somewhere inside me wants to prove to her that I'm worthy of that title or something. Hm, I think I should expound. Pot is what we call an "Iglesia ni Christo". Her religion. Her religion states that, no, I'm not kidding, they must be THE SAME, MUST donate to the church, MUST never change and in turn, change the ones around them. This is Kops' description of her in a nutshell. -KSP (attention seeker) -Stupid (I'm serious. She said this, not me, >.>) -UTTERLY CLUELESS (everyone deeply expresses hate for her.) -"Pasipsip" which is Filipino (yes, I'mma be a Filipino) for Suck up. -Pa-cute which is also slang for "HEY, I'M CUTE. EVERYONE ELSE IS FUGLY." in one word. -Pa-feel, which means she has a superiority complex. Kops, also, hates her with a burning passion but acts nice around her. She asks me nearly everyday "How did you bear with her, [Sufris]?". So, if I know she can't handle it, I'm pretty sure she'll cause a big scene. If you want a background on Kops just to make things clearer, go ahead and ask. It's just too long to fit in an already-long post. XD So, I'm sorry P if I didn't make it so clear. I was already crying when I wrote that. ^^; Again, thank you. You don't need to, you've done enough (but I will not lie. I need a bit of advice with my old man. :|). Oh school...XD Mm. My mom, though, thinks that beauty is everything. "Siobe! You should put your medicine on so that you'll look pretty and guys will court you." :| (Siobe is a title. Ha, thought that was my name? >.>) Well, I'm also sorry. I was still crying when I was typing that so I left some parts out by accident. XD;; My mom contradicts herself, basically. She acknowledges my accomplishments that I don't need acknowledging in, and she doesn't acknowledge the stuff I really worked hard on. So in the end, I end up working for myself. Thanks, again. Even if I didn't reply or anything, thank you so much. ^^ If, well, you want to clarify some stuff, go ahead. May it be out of curiosity or what. ^^;;
What do you want? You want her friendship. What are you willing and unwilling to risk to get it? You wish to avoid embarrassment and/or the loss of other friends. You know your friends better than I do, so you have to decide whether something would cause public embarrassment. Options: Confront her directly, and discuss it with her. (Maximum potential for embarrassment, certain resolution) Keep trying to subtly spend time together. (Potential for embarrassment, potential resolution) Give up. (No embarrassment, no resolution. Game over.) How is this related to Pot? This is a completely different scenario. Pot was where you could not get along with another girl. This is where a friend of yours moved away, and slowly made new friends and grew apart. I don't see the connection. She thinks of you as a close friend because of your actions so far. She wouldn't hold those feelings unless you earned them in the past. In which case you don't need to prove anything to her. If you maintain your friendship in the same way as you have in the past, then you've got no problems. By merely having the title given to you by her, you are worthy of it. So long as you don't change, you'll continue being worthy of it. Don't let it get to you too much. Friendships are supposed to relieve stress, not create it. Then share your experiences of Pot with Kops if you wish, but ultimately leave the choice up to Kops. Pot is 'popular', and this is a massive ball of drama just waiting to explode. When it does, you don't want to be near it at all. Kops will probably be caught up in it if she breaks away from Pot. You don't want to be involved, otherwise you'll just make it even larger, and be in the centre. You can cure being fat. Just eat less and exercise more. This links into laziness. You'll only actually bother fixing it when you want it badly enough. If you don't want to do it more than you want to relax, then you won't. If you want to be normal enough that you're willing to do the exercise, then you'll do it. I recommend going for walks with headphones, but that's just what works for me. You may have to find your own. The same applies for the eczema. Get cream, that sort of thing. Don't give up, and eventually you'll see results. I'm not sure how old you are, but a friend of mine has eczema, but it cleared up after puberty. He said chocolate was bad for his skin, so I imagine curing eczema is similar to curing being overweight. It all depends on whether you're willing to. You do well at school, so you're not a failure. There is the distinct possibility of you succeeding in life, so it's far too early to call you a failure. You help out, so you're not useless. Even so, in your teens, you're not supposed to be useful. That's for when you're an adult. If you realise that your mother is being unreasonable, stop seeking praise from her, and understand that only your approval matters. Basing your satisfaction upon her satisfaction will only cause you pain if she refuses to give it. You can't do anything about this problem, therefore it's not something for you to worry about. If you require closure on this, then feel free to hate your father, but don't feel obliged to do anything. Support your mother emotionally, certainly, but remember that this is their lives, and their mess, not yours. Again, there's very little you can do here. Depending on your age, I'd argue it's best for you to take what you can from the family, and get out ASAP. So stick around until you finish school, then get out, get qualifications and get a job. Leave them behind. Until then, stick it out. If you can't change her mind, then you need to set out the best course for yourself that you can. Well, I've read your story, and acknowledge your troubles. I've given my 2c. What you ultimately do is left entirely up to you. While your situation isn't a nice one by any stretch of the imagination, it's one you can recover from with a bit of effort. You're not doomed, merely troubled. In other words, it's not hopeless. Life dealt you the hand. All you can do is play it as best you can.
I guess I'm just a little embarrassed; she just has this way of making you feel bad/embarrassed and is critical. What happened with this Pot (you can tell she's the source of my problems outside of the house) is I told her in a gentle way that she had to change. She took it totally wrong and left forever. So, I kind of feel iffy when I actually confront Chi, especially since I actually LIKE her. Also, if I do that, we could end up fighting someway. Someway. And Kops will be caught in the middle, which she has always been in all the years of her life. "Caught in the middle of two friends fighting". I don't want to do that to her. Just saying. And the second's my best option~ Well, Pot happened to scar me in such a way that I'm wary of lying and friendships. If someone drifts away, I somehow feel bad and feel a need to fix things. I'm careful not to have a best friend of sorts, cause I'm afraid of, you know, going into things like that again. *shudders* -Reply to the whole "decry having a best friend"- I guess so. But there's also what I said above. I don't know if it's just the way I think anymore or what. And so far, friendships just cause me stress sometimes. :| I did, and she still doesn't understand. I am, but it's kind of obvious she doesn't want. She's recently been paired with Pot and she complains about her almost everyday. I just want to help her get rid of someone she doesn't like that's clinging to her as a friend. You can say I just want to keep my friends safe (SORA MUCH?! *SHOT*). I'm leaving so many details out. ;__; she was kicked out from her "popular" group because they had enough of her and is now a "loser". But that's not really an affecting factor or anything. Our school disregards the whole popular thing. I know I can, but my mom, ironically, prevents that, too. I LOVE sports. I really do. It's just that I was hospitalized before cause of this thing that burst in my brain and my mom FORBIDS me to do anything sporty. It's been like, 5 years ago, and she's still wary. I try to tell her "mom, I'll be fine," but she doesn't believe me. Then she insists that we go exercising on Saturdays only to find out she's occupied with work (father forces work on her so he can spend time with some ****s~). I'm under house rules, too. Can't exactly leave and there's nothing much to do here other than walk...and that doesn't help either. That's what I'm doing! It's just that...it randomly appears! IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE. D: *ahem* In all seriousness, I'm doing what I can. In fact, it cleared up a few days ago. But then it burst out again just 2 days ago. Though lesser. I don't eat anything that triggers, and if I do, it's only every now and then, and in little proportions. I'm 13 now. Supposed to outgrow it, but it just got worse. I guess so... I know I'm not. I'm supposed to be a lazy bum who does her homework reluctantly, but somehow, I get stuck with house responsibilities. Stuff my 25 year old sister is supposed to handle but doesn't want to. My brother's too preoccupied with his own studies, as he used to fail before. She's just really, really unpredictable. She praises me sometimes, and then she doesn't. It's kind of like a "I hope this time it'll work." or something. Strangely, I still love her because, you know, she's my mom and she's nice when she's not berserk or anything...which I'm sure is because of my dad because she's never really done that before. And, well, yes, I know when I'm happy with my work and when someone else isn't. So, yeah... :3" Well, it's my family. I feel a certain need to worry, to an extent, about this. At least do what I can to help in any way. This is a reason as to why I try to please my mom because I know it helps her. I know I can't do anything to solve this, it's just annoying how my mom isn't lifting a finger. This was mainly for ranting purposes. I let some pain out, I have to let all of it out because I usually bottle it up somewhere. Refer to upper replies. >.>;; Plus, filial piety. I really can't leave my family, 'sides my dad, alone. It's not that I'm forced to, it's just that I really, really can't. Thanks, P. Really, really appreciate it. It's not 2 cents, P. It's more than that (5 dollars? *shot*). It's nice to let it out every once in a while. :3
