Missing Year

ok well this is my story on what I think happend in the year that Sora was asleap. it begins when Roxas first wakes up in Twilight town.



Roxas woke up unsure of what to do. He couldn’t remember anything. He walked around Twilight Town till he found himself in front of the old mansion.

“hello” A voice greeted from behind.

Roxas turned around and came face to face with Xemnes.

“hello? Do you know me?” Roxas asked him

“No, but I want to help you. I know you’re lost, and very confused.” Xemnes said making eye contacted with Roxas

“How do you know that?” Roxas asked wide eyed in shock

“I am like you. Would you like a name?” Xemnes asked

“yes” Roxas said wanting to have something he knew about himself

Xemnes gave Roxas his name right then and there.

“Roxas” Roxas muttered to himself

“Would you like to come, and join my organization? Every one there is like us” Xemnes said

Roxas thought about it for a few minuets then agreed.

Xemnes made a dark portal, and took Roxas through it. They arrived in the world that never was, and Xemnes introduced Roxas to everyone.

 

wow this is going to be a good story

 

tyvm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

that does sound like what would of happened .... very creative

 

No polls, kthxbai.

My suggestions: More detail, for the love of god, more detail. Use, adjetives, descriptors, metaphors, smilies, ANYTHING. The writting at the moment is just so bare D: It makes it not intersting to read :/ Comparisions are good, as are other verbs that are active, not passive. Not so much dialouge, expand on the ideas more. Again with the its bare.

Think of the story like a tree. It can be bare with no leaves (descriptions), or it can be in spring with lots of leaves and flowers and such. You want it to be like a heathy tree xD Your story is like a dead tree right now.

 

tyvm!


“I have picked a partner for you” Xemnes told Roxas “Follow me”

Xemnes led Roxas to a room where Axel was training.

“Axel!” Xemnes called

“yes sir?” Axel asked walking over

“this is your new partner, Roxas.” Xemnes Said motioning towards Roxas.

“So you’re the new guy?” Axel asked Roxas

“Yes…is that a problem?” Roxas asked

“No just checking” Axel said “So what’s your weapon?”

“I have the key blade” Roxas said

“THE KEYBLADE!!!!” Axel said in shock

“yah…what about it?” Roxas asked

“it’s just new” Axel said.

“ok…?” Roxas said

“well lets get to training” Axel said

“Right” Roxas said

The two trained for hours that day.

 

This is becoming very good.

 

tyvm!!!! me and my sis are wrighting this together

 

..........*blinks*

Longer chapters, please >< Dont make a post every few minutes of an update, lol. Update maybe once a day with a normal size chapter xDDDDDD.

And again, more detail, for the love of god more detail. Like with the training ><

Describe.The.Freaking.Training.

You would be amazed about how much it will improve your writting

 

First of all, as Rosey said, No polls.
Second of all

There

Are

Too

Many

Spaces.
Third of all, fix up your spelling, most of It Is good but you cant even spell Xemnas.
Forth, Make your chapters longer.
Fifth, as Rosey said, DETAIL!!
Sixth, As Rosey said again, don't post them every half hour.
Seventh, Its turning out good, just work on those things me and Rosey have given ^^ Thank you

 

i like it it is GOOD

 

After training they where both tired beyond belief.

“Tired?” Axel asked with a chuckle

“No! I could have kept going for hours. You’re the one that is out of breath!” Roxas teased

“Hey! Respect your elders!” Axel said hitting Roxas upside the head.

“OWCH! Why should I respect my elders? You don’t!” Roxas said rubbing his head.

“I’m not the one we’re talking about” Axel said folding his arms

“Well maybe we should!” Roxas said laughing

“I’d rather not” Axel said also laughing

“ok then now what?” Roxas asked

“hmmm…want to take a walk in Twilight Town?” Axel asked making a portal

“sure” Roxas said running through the portal.

Hey! Weight for me!!!” axel yelled running through the portal after Roxas.

The portal let them out by the old mansion.

“So is this where Xemnas found you?” Axel asked

“yah” Roxas said looking around.

“lets walk” Axel said leading Roxas into the town.

Roxas followed Axel slowly.

 

I think its very creative. Keep it up =D

 

tyvm!!!!!!!!!

 

No problem. Cant wait to see the rest.

 

I'm working on it as we speack

 

........*facepalms*

DisestyX, seriously, critque is JUST as important as compliments, its probably even better.

MORE

FREAKIN

DETAIL!!!

And as Jordie said, Jesus, dont put as many spaces as you do O___________O

And yes, Im going to keep posting your mistakes until you fix them ^-^

 

They walked into the town.
“So what do you think of the Organization?” Axel asked Roxas
“It’s ok…I guess.” Roxas said
“Something on your mined?” Axel asked Roxas
“No…not really.” Roxas said
Then Axel saw what Roxas was thinking about. Roxas was looking at three kids talking, and laughing together as they ate Ice cream.
“Hey Roxas” Axel said putting his hand on Roxas’s shoulder.
“yes? What is it Axel?” Roxas asked looking up at him
“I just remembered that I have a some stuff I got to do, so I’ll meet you at the top of the clock tower at five” Axel said running off before Roxas could argue.
“Oh great! Now what do I do? I don’t know where this tower is, but at lease I have three hours to fined it.” Roxas said looking at his watch.
Roxas looked around, but kept looking over to the three kids.
“oh what do I have to loose?” Roxas said walking over to them, but stopped hath way “ok…maybe I should change”
Roxas walked to a bathroom and changed into the outfit we all se him in during kh2
“ok now I can do this” Roxas told himself walking up to them. “hi…ummm…I’m Roxas. I’m new around here.”
“Hi there” Hayner said
“Hi” Pence said
“Hi. Nice to meet you” Olette said
“nice to meet you all to.” Roxas said with a smile.
“Hey want some Ice cream?” Pence asked
“Sure.” Roxas said
Pence got an ice cream bar out of a little freezer and gave it to Roxas.
“thank you” Roxas said
“your welcome” Pence said
“So where did you move here from?” Olette asked
“I don’t remember” Roxas said
“Do you have amnesia or something?” Hayner asked
“Yah” Roxas said
“that’s kind of sad” Olette said
“Yah” Pence said
“Don’t be sad! I’m ok with it!” Roxas said
“What about your family?” Olette asked
“I dono…I don’t remember them…” Roxas said looking down sadly
“Oh I’m sorry.” Olette said
“It’s ok” Roxas said
“Hey! Wait! If you don’t remember your family then where do you live?” Hayner asked with a worried voice.
“Some kind people took me in” Roxas said