I'm with a guy that I dated about two years ago, and, well I really loved him back then, but he broke up with me. About five months ago, he came to my house, out of the blue, and apologized, telling me that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life, and that he would give anything for another chance with me. I've been with him since then. I like him, I really do, and there's no one else I'd rather hang out with most days. He cares about me, and would do anything for me. He really takes care of me, and he helps me with money even though my parents won't even help me. He even takes me to underground punk shows(which I love), and bought me piercings, and he takes me out to get food all the time. I can be myself around him, and be witty, but sometimes I just... I don't know, it seems like a perfect relationship. It has its ups and downs, and we can be mean to each other, but it's healthy, it's good. The problem is, that no matter how perfect he is for me, no matter how well he treats me, I'm not attracted to him, nor have I been the entire time we've been dating, and on top of that, I don't have feelings for him. I have feelings for someone else. She' the most beautiful girl I've ever met, and she just, her eyes are so light blue, and they kind of sparkle, and her voice is so pretty, and she sometimes stutters a bit, and she thinks it's terrible, but she's so perfect, and she doesn't think so at all, but I do, and it's just, I know so much about her. We literally stay up talking on her couch until 5am some nights, and I can be myself with her. I want to be with her, and I had expressed this to her before I started dating the guy I'm with, and she said she wanted to be with me, but her twin and mother would hate her. I'm just conflicted about what to do. Part of me tells me I need to tell Devin(the guy) how I feel, and then the logical part of me says that he's a perfect boyfriend, and that I'm so much better off with him. He treats me well, and does all kinds of things for me, and it's not often you get that from someone. If I were to be with Ashley, the roles would switch, and honestly, I don't even have enough money for myself, and she wouldn't even respond most of the time.
Wow what a situation... Well I say you shouldn't be in a relationship if you don't have feelings for the person, it's not fair on the guy if you keep this from him, especially if anything happens between you and the girl you like. You should let the guy down lightly, try to maintain a friendship with him and be completely honest :) As for the money situation...Is there nothing you can claim from the government or anything like that?
Okay, the fact that this is even an issue is directing you toward what I think you know what your heart really desires. But let me try to help you. For starters, you used the word perfect a lot in your post, and I'm sorry to tell you that nobody on this earth is perfect. Strengths as well as flaws make up who we are. And by the looks of it, to you he isn't the "perfect" boyfriend because you aren't attracted to him, which obviously something that's holding you back from what's succeeding in your relationship to the fullest capacity. Because let me tell you something dear, you only start looking outside of the relationship when there is something lacking in the relationship. If I were you I would tell your boyfriend how you feel. I wouldn't be with someone solely because they do nice things for you, and if the girl isn't willing to do nice things for you she might not be the best person for you either. And honestly, if you're not willing to switch roles and put everything you've got into a new relationship than it's not even worth the initial effort. In my opinion, not being attracted to the person you're dating is a problem. I know it could be different for other people, but that's just how I feel, and I am taking that you feel the same. I mean if you feel like you're just friends than revert to being friends. It really just doesn't sound like the perfect relationship to me especially because you have a wandering eye. If you really like this girl then follow your heart. You mentioned that her family will hate her, and if they hate her because she falls in love with another girl then they are being ignorant, and don't deserve her time anyway. She shouldn't let the people around her dictate who she loves or how she chooses to live, so if that is holding her back then you might want to reconsider how much she values you. How much is she willing to give up to be with you? Is she willing to put in the effort of the relationship, and face the people who aren't as open-minded? Hm. I really hope all goes well for you. If not you'll just eventually find someone who is a better fit for you then both of these people. Who knows! Life isn't all set in stone for you, so do what's right for YOU. Because remember, just because having a boyfriend might seem like an ideal situation it might not make you happy, and happiness in life is very important. Also with the money thing: I understand, but I don't think that is the biggest deal out of the situation. I would just cross that bridge when you get to it, and maybe apply for your own job. Work out the emotional stuff first, and then address that. Staying with him just because he helps you with money is not a good reason.
oh I'm definitely not with him because of money, all I was saying is that i can't take the role in a relationship to support someone else, because I only earn about $350 a month, and all of that has to go to my cat, lizard, groceries, rent, and phone. I'm lacking on that end, and I barely can even find the money for gas. My boyfriend doesn't help me with money really, he's just always there, and I really like him, I just don't love him. At least not like I think I should. I had feelings for another guy this past year(for over a year before finally getting over him), and Ashley right before he came to my house, and I feel like my feelings for him should be as strong as the feelings I had for Chris, and still have for Ashley. It confuses me, because I want to stay with him, because it's nice, and I like it, but I wish i were with Ashley sometimes, because I really love her, and would do anything for her. I'm also alot more attracted to her. I'm just confused I guess, even though i shouldn't be. I just... Follow your heart is great advice, but what if it's leading you in the wrong direction, and you know nothing is going to work out between you and the one you have feelings for? Could settling be more worth it?
Follow your heart, if it steers you wrong then it's a mistake that you'll learn from...But when you find someone you truly want to be with you'll know it (Or at least I think so) Just do whatever comes natural, if you feel your heart is telling you to be with the girl, be with her. :) I wish you best of luck!
Perhaps I missed some important bit of info-- but no, I don't think so. You haven't told him any of this, have you? You should. Scared of his reaction? That's okay, if he leaves you for dead again then you will know just how much you meant to him. Q: why did he drop you before? Seems odd that this question has yet be answered, seems odd to me that he would drop you and then come crawling back to you. In any ordinary case, I would assume that the crawler in question was in look of a quickie, but you say otherwise; you say that he genuinely cares. I'll give you the benefit of doubt. If he leaves after your reveal, go for Ashley. If he stays and discusses, ask for advice. I don't understand how this has not been advised of yet, maybe it is a laughably straightforward method. But you cannot progress without his knowing, he will have to know eventually (unless ofc, you choose to forget Ashley). You should not procrastinate telling him, you would only be prolonging his inevitable reaction. edit: o this has been advised. My bad, Agent T.
You're having an impulse. A 100% natural, healthy impulse that has steered many people wrong before. If it's going to bug you for a long time to come, then you're better off taking the risk; but there's no guarantee it'll be worth it. The things you like about Ashley probably won't last as long as the things you like about Devin. The second sounds like a crush, the first like something more lasting; those lasting feelings are not as loud, nor as strong. You have to do some growing to really get to a point where you can hold on to them. Your feelings for Devin don't have to proclaim themselves from the rooftops for them to be honest-to-goodness love. Just remember that. Maybe neither is good for you right now. If Devin supports you and you'd be supporting Ashley, then either way someone's giving a lot and the other's mostly getting. There ought to be something you can give back to him, or she can give back to you, for either relationship to really work. Love is a partnership, and partners should be on equal footing. Making a relationship work otherwise is a challenge that most people can't, shouldn't, and don't have to face. That said, I don't believe you should break up with the one if you're not going to approach the other. Either the one is worth sticking with, or the other is worth a shot in the dark. No one can tell you what's right here; you've got to decide for yourself. What's most important is that you communicate what you're feeling to all those involved. Devin needs to know about this. I don't care how hard it is; you're doing him a disservice if you intend to keep it to yourself. You need to communicate not only how you feel about him, but your desires for this other girl, and the two of you need to decide together what direction your current relationship is going to take before you start thinking about another one. If you try to keep it from him, it's going to end badly. That's pretty much guaranteed. And if he really is the perfect boyfriend, he'll be willing to talk it out with you, and he might even be willing to wait while you try something else and see if it's what you really want or not. It's a high-pressure situation. Word choice is critical. So don't rush it; take time to compose yourself and really think about what you want to say to him before you start the conversation. Find a time when he's in fairly good spirits, and tell him you'd like to talk about something important. Make sure he understands that he means a lot to you, no matter how you feel, and that you're thinking about him and his feelings. And never forget to be sincere. Words that you don't mean won't mean anything to you, so they won't mean anything to him. I don't know if you're the type to put up a tough front, but if you're feeling scared and confused, now's the time to communicate it. Again, if this guy is as great as you say, you can be vulnerable around him. He'll help you work this out. And of course, if all goes well with your bf, don't forget to talk to Ashley too. She deserves to know the score as much as Devin, especially if you intend to pursue a relationship with her. Although I'm sure that conversation won't be nearly as tough as the first, either way.
^ why must the dog (or frog, or what ever Mr. Zato is) be more well-versed in romantique pursuits than us? I need to stop leaving stuffy romance novels out in the open, he pokes at them nosefirst and reads them in my sleep. It's sound advice. Especially the "sincere" part. Emphasis on being sincere. Any empathy he garners for your case will likely dissipate instantly if you begin to lie, I'd like to hope he'd pick up on such a tone from a loved one. And I'd also like to hope that you won't lie? But I don't accuse you of being a liar, just that that cannot be emphasised enough. Good luck.
Sf, you should be a counselor, because that advice was amazing. I'm not even joking, thank you so much for taking the time to help me, all of you. I really appreciate it. I guess i'll try and muster up the courage to speak to him. Thanks guys.
