Ok I haven't been motivated lately and I want to post this to see how everyone thinks about it. Constructive critisms are welcome. Chapter 1: First meeting A girl looked around at her surroundings with wonder. She had long, black hair down to her shoulder blades, and she wears a dark red tank top and black Capri. She wears two necklaces around her neck, and a choker. One of them has the letter L on it, another is a sword that has details no one has ever seen before, and the last one is a heart shaped pendant with opal gem in the center. She thought she heard a queer noise, and she spun around to find herself face-to-face with a big, black ant with yellow glowing eyes. Before it could even attack her, a hand clasped over her mouth and pulled her into a dark vortex. ________________________________________ A young girl sat up straight. The first thing she noticed about the atmosphere is that it is vacant and cold. She has long black hair down to her waist, and she wears a violet spaghetti strap top and jeans skirt. She wears two rubber bands so she could put up her hair, and a purple bracelet that says Little Sister. "Hm what do we have here?" A voice asks, arrogantly. For some reason, she cannot see the person nor is she aware the person wasn't who the person is. "W-who are y-you?" She stutters fearfully. "Just call me...a friend." 'Still that arrogance in his voice.' She thought. "Everyone must have a name so what's yours?" The girl found out the tone has become friendlier and it is a male. "I'm Shannon." She replies. She felt as though she can trust this person with her life. "Interesting name." She could hear footsteps around her in circles and realize he was checking her out. "W-would y-you quit it out!" She asks angrily. She folds her hands in front of her chest and taps her foot impatiently. He notices the tapping has gone faster and stops right in front of her. "I apologize. You just remind me of someone I know." She felt he grabbed her by the hand and guides her, patiently. "You know…" She looks up with interest as he continues. "I'm hanging out with three people can I trust you to not tell them?" "Absolutely." He stops and she follows in suit. He leans over and whispers in her ear. - "What?!" She screams. "Ssh." He hushes her so no one would hear them. "This is only between the two of us, got it?" She sighs and nodded. All she heard after that is a soft whisper, "Good." ________________________________________ Riku hears crying, he was surprised someone is even living here. He follows the noise and turns around a corner to see a girl about his age crying with her legs hugged by her arms. "Are you okay?" The crying stops and the girl wipe tears from her tear-stained eyes. She looks up to him and shook her head. He offers a hand to her. "Let's get you out of here, it isn't safe." She looks back and forth from his hand to her surroundings as though she is debating inside her head. She nods her head and took it. He pulls her up and brings her close to him. She likes his warmth for a change it has been days since she has seen another face. He lets her go but still holding her right hand. "It's like he said—" he whispers and she bends a little bit to look at his face. "Everything's how I remember it. Even this room…" "It must be nice being back in your old bedroom." He felt a slight jerk from his left hand. "Think of all the memories…" "You again." He turns to her and uses his free hand to calm her down she nodded. "Sorry, but these memories I could do without. Maleficent gave me this room." She looks at him weirdly, wondering who the person he spoke is. "So she did. And you lived here, tempted by the darkness she offered." She could feel his anger through their link connection. "You cast away your home, your friends, everything…" Riku squeeze her hand tight when the voice mentioned the word friends. She winces at it but dare not to utter a sound. "But at least they gave you a nice room." "Shut up." He snapped, let go of her hand, and then took off all in a blur. She looks down at her right hand and it was close to a reddish color. She looks up and the doors were moving back and forth she runs straight towards that direction. Something came floating down she stops and look up to see a gold card with crown points and a picture of a heart on it. She grabs it and shrugged at its oddity and put it inside her pocket. -------------------------------------------------- Let me know if any characters are not doesn't match his/her personality right.
I find this very interesting, but I found a couple of mistakes: *The narrator sometimes talks in present-tense at the wrong time, when it should be in past tense (books always do that, I don't know why...). You have a couple of mistakes in punctuation and such, for instance: *In this paragraph: A girl looks at her surroundings with wonder. She had long black hair down to her shoulder blades she wears a dark red tank top and black Capri. She wears two necklaces around her neck and a choker. One of them has the letter L on it, another is a sword that has details no one has ever seen before, and the last one is a heart shaped pendant with opal gem in the center. She thought she heard a queer noise and spun around face-to-face with a big, black ant with yellow glowing eyes. Before it could even attack her, a hand clasped over her mouth and pulled her into a dark vortex. You miss a couple of punctuation and such, and should be more like: A girl looked around at her surroundings with wonder. She had long, black hair down to her shoulder blades, and she wears a dark red tank top and black Capri. She wears two necklaces around her neck, and a choker. One of them has the letter L on it, another is a sword that has details no one has ever seen before, and the last one is a heart shaped pendant with opal gem in the center. She thought she heard a queer noise, and she spun around to find herself face-to-face with a big, black ant with yellow glowing eyes. Before it could even attack her, a hand clasped over her mouth and pulled her into a dark vortex. *In this paragraph: A young girl sat up straight the first thing she noticed about the atmosphere is that it is vacant and cold. She has long black hair down to her waist she wears a violet spaghetti strap top and jeans skort. She wears two rubber bands so she could put up her hair and a purple bracelet says Little Sister. It should be more like: A young girl sat up straight. The first thing she noticed about the atmosphere is that it is vacant and cold. She has long black hair down to her wais, and she wears a violet spaghetti strap top and jeans skirt. She wears two rubber bands so she could put up her hair, and a purple bracelet that says Little Sister. Otherwise, great job. Keep up the good work, and I can't wait to see what happens next! :)
Yeah, I get that alot, Nymph. Thanks for correcting me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 2: Empathy Shannon sighs as she has to wait for her friend to come back. She knew she can't go anywhere without his help. Then she could hear a small crying noise not too far away. "Is there something wrong?" She calls. The voice was startled by a new voice in the room then footsteps could be heard in the cold, vacant room as the voice walks over to her side. "Why do you ask? I'm not supposed to cry because I don't have feelings." She gives this feminine voice a light-hearted laugh. "That sounds really funny. What is your name?" "I'm Namine." She replies with a soft voice. 'Namine, Namine... Where I had I heard that before?' She thought as she taps her index finger on her head. 'Someone said she is a character that is a Nobody, a race that has no hearts...' "Uh-oh." "What is it?" "You don't happen to know Sora, do you?" Shannon asks as she turns her head to the voice. "Sort of." She answers with a doubt in her voice. Shannon frowns sadly and wraps her arms around her. "It is ok, everything will come together. Then you don't have to feel sorry for yourself." Namine place a hand over hers. "Thank you." Ugh, I'm tired sorry it is so short. But I thought this was cute. I'll put up the other girl's story later.
