-Last updated 30th August 2011, 10.48pm- This is a story for the wonderful people of the Last Person to Post thread, this first bit is a brief introduction to the characters and gives you an idea of their backgrounds before everything starts. Enjoy, CnC, any ways I can improve this would be greatly appreciated. Life, Pain, Trust, Perfection Kelly: Deep in a cave, hidden from the rest of the world, a carpet of bones leading the way past the walls stained with blood and an ominous chanting coming from far within. There a jewelled goblet filled with the scarlet liquid in hand, laid a girl on an ancient stone tablet. Though not like any girl you have seen before. Her eyes red and blood crazed, her hair tangled and matted, a necklace of human bones around her neck and teeth as sharp as a needle. Her blood-drenched clothes in tatters on her, ripped and torn, with human remnants hanging from it, it could have been a dress long ago and she could have been beautiful. As she lay there, strangely hypnotic, a tortured soul but now she had transformed into something hell itself would be afraid off. And then she started to laugh, a laugh of a mad woman, a laugh that would send shivers down your spine and a laugh if you were ever to hear would surely be one of the last things you ever hear. Machi: Just about in the middle of nowhere, there’s a little shack with smoke coming out of chimney and a notoriously sweet odour coming from it. Inside with the radio on full pelt, is a guy, frying pan in hand and apron on. He doesn’t appear to have much but yet he still wore a grin from ear to ear as mountains of Belgian Waffles surround him. Though there is something not right, something hidden behind the façade but try as you might, you cannot tell what. Christhor: Beneath a mountain, in lair filled with jewels and gems of every kind, past the magnificent red dragon sleeping, with red hot jets of fire coming out from it’s nostrils with every breath, there is a man. A mysterious person by all accounts, what else do you expect from someone who lives in a dragons lair? His long elegant cloak swept the floor as he made his way around the lair to his sleeping dragon that he rubbed gently before returning to his grand chair. His eyes showed knowledge beyond his apparent years though his shiny black hair gave him an almost timeless look. He stretched his arms out before smiling slightly; there was work to be done. Risk: An explosion filled the room with smoke of a dark green colour, though as it cleared to reveal the laboratory. It was full of test tubes and beakers, all with weird and wonderful things inside them. Some things bubbling, burning, fizzing, exploding, you name it, it was happening. In the mist of all this a figure moved between all of his contraptions, muttering to himself. He’d make a note here, add a chemical, stir something there, put a flame under something here, shake… he never stopped. His lab coat, once white was now splattered with so much stuff, stained different colours and had even corroded away in places. And it was a mystery how he saw through those goggles of his. Midnight: In an enchanted wood, full of green plants and bright flowers. By a small stream, sat a girl with long blonde hair, dipping her bare feet in the water. But this girl was not ordinary and large delicate paper-thin wings came out from her back, they were purple and translucent with the most detailed of patterns on them. The girl herself had tattoos on her body and wrapped round her face and her eyes shone violet. She was a faerie. Although there was something about her clothes, the way she held herself and that mischievous smile, that hinted she wasn’t your average fairy-tale fairy. FF: Hidden somewhere there is a dimly lit room, piled high with computers of all shapes and sizes, hundreds of screens lit up with something different and in the middle of the technology sat a boy on a swivel chair. His fingers were a blur as he typed a million different codes and actions. His eyes simultaneously taking in the constantly changing information the multitude of screens were telling him. Only he could make sense of all the data going through and know what he was doing before it was done. He only stopped momentarily for a slurp of some fizzy drink and a bite of pizza before immersing himself in the cyber world again. Feenie: On top of a very high building, somebody stood serenely gazing out at the area around him, the wind blowing through his short hair. Then without warning they ran forward and leapt of the side of the building. They fell freely for a few long seconds before the wires kicked in and they sprang back up. They immediately got to work entering through the window and stealing a painting worth over a million. How they did it exactly was unknown but they left a child’s painting in its place and only killed one guard. Enzy: Inside a high tower, gazing out of the window a girl smiled before moving gracefully back into the room. On the walls of the room were pictures of each of her future team and on the floor hundreds ancient books with a strange long forgotten language in. The girl pushed her hair back behind her pointy ears. Everything was falling into place and soon enough her plan would be put into action. She placed her hand onto a small rock with a strange symbol on it and as she did so it began to glow. Her eyes sparkled. It was time.
Yay, LPTP ^^ I think this is a good start with nice introductions to each character. You give a feel of the type of person each will be and they all sound as if they'll make a good story as they intereact. I look forward to reading the next bit to find out what happens to each character. Keep it up.
Seeing as this is a KHV story, and is based on people from KHV, I think this really belongs in the main section, as opposed to Original work ^^. That aside, I really like the introduction that you have given to each character. Especially Machi ... lol Belgian waffles. You really make me feel the need to read on, which is good, and I'm a sucker for any fantasy type thing XD. I didn't notice any basic spelling or grammar things to watch out for, which is good, although I ma have glossed over some things ... idk. All in all, it's a really good start. Please continue ^^.
Thanks ^^ Right, now to start the actual story. I've added quite a lot to this compared to when I first posted it, so if've read it once I suggst skimming it to see if there is anything new. This is mainly general, about Enzy and FF. I'm not sure about some bits so CnC. There’d been trouble growing for a while. All the signs had been very clear something bad was coming. But people did what people did; they turned a blind eye and ignored it. They didn’t like the idea that something could upset their little worlds so did nothing. So against the idea of change, they wouldn’t even pause to consider the problem. Unfortunately, ignoring the problem didn’t get rid of it. Time was running out, if nothing changed then their simple lives would be changed forever. Luckily for them, someone had noticed and had plans to do something about it. There were a surprising number of advantages to being a princess locked away in a tower. People had a tendency to underestimate you and ignore you, they often made the general assumption you were in fact trapped. This gave you just about complete freedom. Other benefits included a limitless supply of money and if a dragon turned up around your castle, people wouldn’t bat an eyelid, as it’s normal to have dragons guarding princesses in towers. Occasionally a prince turns up trying to save you but they’re easy enough to deal with. Enzy loved being a princess sometimes. Though lately she’d been noticing things, bad signs and many little things that all showed her the same thing. Something bad was coming and they were really unprepared. Well, she’d decided she was going to do something to change that. She was going to set up a team, a team full of all sorts of people each with different strengths and weaknesses. She didn’t know what was coming but she knew something had to be done and hopefully with the combined strength, this would be enough to face whatever was coming. She’d been making preparations for a while and it was finally time to put her plan into action. Within a few brief seconds she had picked up particular rocks from a drawer in the room, each had a runic symbol chalked onto it like she had clearly done before. She placed them down in a circle around her, making sure it was the right order, muttering the name of each rune as she put them down. Once they were all in the correct positions she took a careful step into the centre of the circle. She bowed her head and started, quietly at first, reciting words from a long forgotten language. As she did so the symbols on the rocks in turn began to glow. She gradually got louder and the rocks glowed brighter until she clapped her hands together on the final syllable. Light enveloped the room for a brief second before dimming to reveal a portal directly in front of the princess. She smiled and stepped through. The dimly lit room where FF was working his computer magic suddenly was flooded with light; momentarily blinding him and almost making him drop his drink. But you’d be surprised how fast this teenage boy could move when all his expensive computer equipment was at stake. “What the hell? What kind of voodoo magic is this? I’ve not done anything wrong!” He cried out, squinting to try and figure out what was going on. “I’d beg to differ” Enzy said calmly as she stepped out of the portal and it’s light dimmed. Everything about her contrasted with this stuffy computer room and FF, messy as ever. “I have it here that we have caught you hacking into the computer systems of some of the world’s biggest databases, completely disabling some of the strongest defence systems. What I have here is enough to send you to jail for at least 30 life spans. You would never see-”, she began to say the light of day but looking around he didn’t see it anyway “-another computer screen ever again” FF was clearly starting to panic here, he didn’t know who this strange woman was but she had so much on him. “That-that wasn’t me” He shouted very uncomfortable, “I was only messing around, I didn’t mean any harm, I-I didn’t know what I was doing, yes, I thought I was playing a game” “Unfortunately that won’t cut it, these people want your head.” She paused and smiled. “Lucky for you, I’m here to offer you a get out clause. Come work for me and I will make sure those people never find you, unless of course you betray me, which I’m sure you wouldn’t do. Plus you get all the computer equipment you’ve ever dreamed off. You just have to work for me. So what do you say?” FF just nodded franticly, “Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever” He wasn’t sure about working for this strange woman but anything was better than the alternative. “Good choice, I’m sure we’ll get along just fine now. Just follow me back.” With that Enzy turned on her heels and stepped in to the light, and disappeared, she considered maybe she’d been a bit harsh on him but she needed him on the team. FF watched her in amazement, he was sure there wasn’t a door there but she’d clearly gone. He stood up and looked between all his precious computer equipment and the light, truly scared. He didn’t want to leave behind his precious computer equipment and go into the light but if he didn’t… He shuddered, took a deep breath and stepped into the light.
I never thought I'd be so interested in a story about all my friends and I on KHV. I must say that this is amazingly interesting. As far as I've read, there wasn't any grammatical error or spelling error, and there seems to be no problem with the story flowing nicely. I think this must be a story that goes on for a long time, or reaches it's true conclusion.
Thanks and here comes the next part. This my bit ^^, oh and a bit of fun I had about Enzy's love life. You'll never guess what song was in my head when I wrote that bit. It is liturally over flowing with references. xD There was a incredibly bright flash in the middle of an enchanted wood that dimmed down to reveal Princess Enzy, in her dress that was cut short to make in practical, followed a few seconds later by a bewildered FF, “What the- we’re in a forest? How?” Enzy looked back at him with an apologetic smile, “Sorry about this, I just had to stop here on our way back to see an old mate” She paused looking around, “That’s weird, she should have been just here” FF opened his mouth to reply but was cut short by three arrows flying through the air and pinning his clothes to the nearest tree though somehow not hurting him. Before Enzy could react to this development she found a dagger to her neck. “Don’t move a muscle. Now tell me, who are you and why are you here?” Enzy smiled and calmly said, “Is this anyway to treat an old friend?” There was a pause and the dagger lowered, “Enzy? Seriously? What the hell do you think you were doing creeping up on my like that? I could have killed you!” The girl said stepping out from the darkness to in front of Enzy, revealing her currently lowered purple wings. “Yes it’s me, Midnight. It’s good to see you again; it’s been a while. And sorry about scaring you but it was the easiest way to find you.” She said as the friends hugged, “We need to catch up but I’m here for a reason. I need your help.” Midnight’s eyes narrowed, she knew her friend didn’t ask for her often and if she is it must be serious, “What for?” “I’m sorry I cannot tell you exactly but all the signs are that something bad is coming and I want to be prepared, so I am setting up a team and I want you in it, like FF over there” Enzy explained. The faerie nodded, “I thought as much, there been weird things happening with the magic which I suspect is related” She looked over at FF, who was just there watching them and attempting to make sense of it all. He smiled slightly at her, not really knowing what to do. “I was wondering who the runt was, why’s he on the team then? Doesn’t look like much” “Oh, I know, he’s a genius with computers and things though, could come in very handy” She said flicking back her brown hair, elegant as usual. Midnight raised a single eyebrow, “Right, if you say so. Never understood them myself” “So had any more princes try to rescue you?” Midnight asked casually. The princess smiled, “Oh yeah. Prince Bushy had another attempt, he broke his record for how far he got. Obviously I couldn’t let him actually get to me but still he’s getting stronger and he’s so so sweet. Oh, and a few other unheard of princes failed.” She added dismissing the other ones. Midnight laughed, “You know I think you’re actually falling for him” “No chance, no way. I don’t need a man; I can take care of myself. No man is worth the aggravation.” Enzy said strongly becoming very defensive. “Who’d you think you’re kidding? He’s the earth and heaven to you.” The faerie raised an eyebrow; she’d seen the way Enzy acted about him. “No! I’m no damsel in distress. I won’t say I’m in love. It’s just if I ever did get with a guy, well I’d want someone like him.” Enzy said, her face going a deeper shade of red by the second. “You swoon, you sigh, why deny it? You’ve got to admit you’ve got it bad.” Midnight said, clearly enjoying this. “Get off my case. I won’t say I’m in love, and we should go back. You’re coming right, to kick the butt of whatever’s coming?” Midnight grinned, “Of course but you are so in love”
Oh dear, now if only NOISE didn't like men xD I love it, you've added a lovely part to the story especially with all the references of Hercules, I was singing it when I read it. Just to point out you had a few spelling mistakes but that's all I can really say:
I am thoroughly confused as to what era this is set in. The fantasy overtones, such as knights and dragons, make me think it's a mythic age, but then we have FF and blatant references to computers. So I don't quite know where to place this. I initially thought there were time shenanigans at work when he appeared, but then everyone started discussing technology, so I'm unsure. I like your ideas and effects. You're combining a high-fantasy descriptive style with a modern approach to dialogue, which is a nice juxtaposition, and I find it interesting. I'd be careful of steering too close to Dreamworks territory though. I'd find that to be a turn-off. Same with Artemis Fowl. I'd rather you kept it as your own style. You're fine at the moment though, and it may even be where you -want- to take the story. Your comma use and sentence structure kinda bugs me, as you've often used a comma splice, connecting two sentences when one should really be a sub-clause. As a rule of thumb, if both clauses can be stand-alone sentences, you're misusing a comma. You can get around it by using a semi-colon; they're always fun. Doing it this way could be a stylistic choice, I suppose. It certainly adds a different tone to the text. If you are doing it for stylistic effect though, I'd suggest regulating it to the narrative, as opposed to the dialogue. (Mostly because it'd aid that high-fantasy/modern-speech juxtaposition you have going on there.) The title you've used is rather witty. Acronyms are always fun, as are KH-Vidian-based stories. I fully expect this to attract more people to the LPTP thread. I'll be following this, partly for the KHV-insertion aspect and partly for the intriguing style. Keep it up!
Authors note: Thanks P, you always amaze me with your eye for detail. If I'm honest I hadn't even thought of the era aspect, I just thought it was set off in some fantasy world where there can be anything. I thought about that and came up with a possible idea for it (see spoiler below) but I'm not sure about it and I'm not convinced it works, so for now I might follow What's suggestion and be intentionally anachronistic for the time being. Also I will try to work on the comma splice thing. Spoiler: possible idea This is set in the modern times but in a place where two realities overlap, neither knowing about the other except through myths and legends. In one reality it is much like the world we are familiar with, where technology is commonplace. The other reality is no less developed but in the place of electricity they use magic. In our reality magic is greatly weakened and cannot be used by all but the most powerful, equally in their reality electricity is greatly weakened and needs much more power to achieve the same effect meaning most technology does not work. There are passageways between the realities but these are guarded, though some do get through to become the source of the myths of the other reality. Portals can be created between the worlds but it requires a lot of power. But like I said before I'm not sure about this. And back to the story. I'm sorry there is not much here but I have been struggling for ideas for the next little bit. I will most likely edit more in if people don't post straight away. Midnight sighed as she flew across the sky; keeping glancing at the map Enzy had drawn her. They’d barley even got back when the princess had told her that she wanted her to fly to this mountain and recruit another guy to the team. She didn’t know whom he was and knowing Enzy, he could be anything. And how the hell was she going to get him to join? This was what her friend was good at, not her; she was just there for the kicking ass part. She finally the mountain came into view and she swooped down to it, searching for the concealed entrance Enzy had told her about. Like she’d been told it was there, even Midnight had to be impressed by the way they’d effectively concealed such a large entrance. Though she did start to wonder why it was so big but that curiosity was soon answers and she rounded the corner and literally stumbled on a huge dragon. She froze on the spot. The princess had some explaining to do. Her heart beat so fast it felt like it would break free of her chest. Without warning a huge jet of flames came from the beasts mouth, breaking her out of her trance and she was up on the ceiling in seconds. Her fear subsided slightly when she realised the flames hadn’t been aimed at her. The impressive creature appeared to be asleep. The faerie sighed in relief but she still didn’t know what to do. She quietly flew deeper into the cave, trying to be as quiet as she could. She flew past the dragon though kept looking over her shoulder to check it was still asleep.
