Last night... Was more than a game i still smell the champaign We don't... know where we are but if we take a moment to look back we will know the past's in the past but these scars they will last and my... pride and my lust put my face in the dirt and I'm getting ready for the worst I've made mistakes, you've made 'em to but who will I be without you? Just who? I use to wake up with a smile but now I'm in denial in wretched denial and to get back on my feet it'l take a while without you, no, Don't lock me out Don't make me shout cuz i know, it was not a dream oh god, what could this mean? I'm going insane i just can't take the pain i just wanna be with you and i deep down you fell this too I can't wait any longer My Fear Just grows stronger so just let me in, let me in to your room (And who would i be with out you?) and i know that you want see me too but hey it's not up to me if it were we'd be free but I just think you should hear what i have to say I don't need another day but just hear what i Have to say So just lemme in your room and show me the light, and take me back to last night. my first song, i still wanna change somethings, CnC?
To be honest I really like it as it is (I'm an awful critic, I really just don't see anything wrong with these kinds of things) it's got emotion and feeling in it, it sounds like it came from the heart. I have a few suggestions though but they are just ideas nothing that says "Its better if you do it this way" but ideas on ways to change it a little...Firstly rather than having one flowing verse (Which is cool and all but I think it's easier to break it down in separate verses) have a couple of different verses, unless the point was to not have verses...That works too :3 If you do go along with the idea of verses then perhaps try adding a chorus If you decide to do both of the above perhaps have the chorus from the point of view of the one the poems about...kind of turn it into a musical conversation? Hope I helped if even a little. And really I think your song is great! The above ideas are just ideas just so they're out there...But whatever you do, write from the heart. For a writer, so long as your work is from the heart it's a masterpiece every time :)
