Kingdom Hearts: The Organization Rebirth

Intro:
The Organization Leftovers:

In a world where only nothing resides, the nobodys live and suffer from there non-existence. The superior nobodys, Organization XIII, resides here from their defeat from the keyblade warriors, Sora, Riku and Mickey. Only three have kept their memories of their evil mischiefs of their activities, Xigbar, Xaldin and Saix. They begin to dialogue about the place.

"This place is as low as a sniper without a gun," Said Xigbar while looking the whole place

"Empty as without a heart," Said Xaldin while staring at a rock

"Enough you two!" Screamed Saix with a mad face of hearing this two talking blabity

"Let us a moment to think a way to exit this empty hell," Said Saix while thinking

As they kept thinking they heard sounds, almost like they were being called.

"I can't think with all the noise!" Yelled Xigbar while he had hes eyes closed

"This is getting annoying," Said Saix with a serious stare

"Let us proceed the light that resides from the hole at the far north" Replied Xaldin while pointing the direction

As they kept getting north, the more the sound gets through their mind.

"Agh! This sound is penetrating my hearing senses!" Yelled Xigbar while putting his hands in his ears

"The more we continue, the more the sound penetrates our hearing senses," Replied Saix with a thinking face

"Let's continue, the light is getting more dense," Said Xaldin while walking to the light

As they continue the light became more and more radiant. Finally, they reach a room with many nobodys, as they kept walking in the room they find a throne.

"Mwahahahaha!" A misteryous laugh was heard

Xigbar, Xaldin and Saix asumed battle stance as they heard the laught.

"Hahaha! You may calm down seekers of hearts!" Laught and said the mysterious voice with a familiar voice

"Have we met before?" Asked Saix while paying attention to the voice

"You have a familiar voice that we have heard," Said Xaldin while thinking about the voice

"I may have a familiar voice, but I do not know you," Said the mysterious voice

A misteryous figure appeared "Allow me to introduce my self, I am Centrex, ruler of the Realm of Nothing," Said the mysterious voice.

"The realm of nothing?" Asked Xigbar

"Yes, this is a realm where only those who do not exist are passed here," Replied Centrex while walking around the three

"But of all the non-existing that have beeen passed down here, you three, have a unnatural existence here," Said Centrex with a wondering face

"Anyways, is there a exit to this place?" Asked Xigbar with a hoping face

"Theres a way, but, you must resolve a riddle I made," Replied Centrex with a jolly face

"What your just gonna test us with words?" Asked Xigbar while wodering

"Yes," Replied Centrex while staring at the three

"All for one, one for all, whats this riddle about?" Asked Centrex with a face full of gigles

"Is it about hearts?" Said Saix

"Wrong!" Replied Centrex

"Is it about sharing?" Said Xaldin

"Incorrect!" Said Centrex

"You have one chance left!" Said Centrex

"I know! Its about teamwork!" Snapped Xigbar

"Correct!" Said Centrex while applauding

"That is what you need to survied in any challenge," Replied Centrex

"You may exit the world of nothing!" Said Centrex while holding a orb

"When you reach the surface, contact me by this," Said Centrex while giving Saix an item

Saix holded in his hands a black and white orb with nine small holes in it.

"Let me open the portal," Said Centrex

A black and purple colored portal opened and the three organization survivals walken rigth into it. Inside the portal there was a platform, they walked into the platform and it began to float to a dark portal that was far. The three began to dialogue about the place.

"I have never thought that a place so empty existed," Said Xigbar with a dramatic face

"Indeed," Replied Xaldin while looking at the platform

"Still, what are we gonna do while we are out in the surface world?" Asked Saix while thinking

"Well...let's wait 'till we reach the surface," Replied Xigbar to Saix

"Ok," Said Saix

While they kept dialoguing, they reached the dark portal and the platform float into it.

As the platform decended, they see a familiar looking castle...

"It can't be!" Yelled Xigbar

"It's impossible for us to be here!" Screamed Xaldin

"It's...Castle Oblivion!" Yelled Saix with a surprised face

-CHAPTER ONE COMING SOON-

 

Critique...

Sorry about this, but I'm seeing a lot of grammatical errors in this one. The intro's okay, but...

1.) It looks like you didn't proof this before you posted. You did use spell-check, right?

"Enough" not "Enought"

"were" not "weir"

"through" not "thru"

That's only a few that I found.

2.) There needs to be commas at the end of quotation right before the ending quotation mark if there's no other punctuation.

It should read:

Note the periods at the end of the lines. If it was a poem or a prose, I'd understand the absence of periods. But since this is a story, it needs the right punctuation.

Also note that the "S" in "Said" is supposed to be lowercase after a quotation. Especially since it's still part of the same sentence.

3.) Needs a bit more detail. It seems bland without knowing if the characters are doing anything. Because, let's face it, no one would be just standing around with their arms at their sides like a statue. Put some motion into it like so:

4.) And finally, notice that there are other words than "said" to show that someone is saying something. Use words like "mused," "snapped," "whispered," or "laughed" depending on the feeling of the character and what's currently happening to them.

Other than those, I'd say it's shaping up to be a pretty nice piece. ;)

 

Is it ok now Destiny?

 

The commas are okay now, but:

-it still looks like you still haven't spell checked

-you need to get rid of the capitalization after every quotation

-you still need a period at the end of every sentence.

 

Basically what she said. lol But also, be sure to try to use more target words...not repeating the same one repetitively...don't be afraid to use a thesarus/dictionary for help if you need to, I have before. xD