Hi everyone, I'm on a new fanfic idea again! Pls read and tell what you liked about it, and on how I could improve! --- Chapter 01: Sephiroth’s challengers, the new bearers On a seemingly peaceful day in Radiant Garden, a young male ran towards the edge of the city. The hole in the wall that the Heartless created during the Heartless war a few years ago was being repaired. It takes a while to fix such a great hole in a wall like that. Without stopping, the young male rushed towards the building site. People tried to stop him, but he seemed determined. While passing through the giant hole in the wall, Sleeping Lion appeared in his hand. With one well-aimed swing, he knocked down the support beam of the crane, and fled further towards the Great Maw. Arrived at the Great Maw, he saw another male standing, watching at the sky. He wore a dark cape, and had long, silver hair. “Sephiroth!†the male called out, appearing Sleeping Lion again. Sephiroth peeked over his shoulder. Seconds later, he faced the sky again, grinning. “Well well... And who might you be?†Sephiroth grinned. “My name is Apok.†the male answered. “Rumor has it that you’re one of the most powerful swordsman of this world! I wanna see if it is true, fight me!†“I’m looking for Cloud... I don’t want to play with amatures... like you.†“I don’t know who this Cloud is you’re talk about, but do you also know how to fight?†Apok said, challengingly smiling. “Very well... I can use a little amusement anyway.’’ Sephiroth said, as he engaged in a battle stance. Apok charged at Sephiroth who teleported behind him, and went for multiple slices with his katana. In a swift move, Apok blocked the powerful blows of his opponent’s insanely long sword. Sephiroth jumped in the air and quickly lunged at him. Apok tried to bash him away, but Sephiroth was way too quick. After one powerful slash, Apok got on his knees. He was defeated. “Hmph. Good work... I expected you to fall after the first blow, but you continued.†Sephiroth said, whipping his hair backwards. Apok silently growled, as he made his way back to Radiant Garden. Sephiroth grinned. He was about to make chase after the weakened Apok, but was stopped by a mysterious female. “Don’t let me down, Guardian Soul...†She said in herself, when flashing her Keychain. She caught Sephiroth by surprise, and managed to get in a hit, causing Sephiroth to back down for a sec. “Fog! He’s too powerful! We can’t take him on, not even both of us!†Apok called. “I’m not willing to fight this person! Get back to town, I’ll be right there!†Fog commanded. Apok nodded and made a run for it. Fog turned to Sephiroth again. “Stop trying to amuse me.†Sephiroth said, as he raised his katana in the air. “Descend, Heartless Angel! †he called, as he drew a circle with his index and middle finger. Somehow, Fog felt her energy draining out of her. She turned on some device on her wrist. “Apok, have you arrived?†Fog asked. “Almost there, but it’s time you get movin’!†Apok answered panting. Fog was struggling to stand, the curse is getting on her. She didn’t hastitate and ran towards town. Sephiroth grinned; he could’ve started chasing his defenseless victim, but the curse would kill her anyway. Now that he’s finally left alone, he turned around, facing the sky again. Fog turned on the device around her wrist. “Apok...†she coughed. “I need you to pick me up, I feel so... drowz...†those were her words before she passed out. Apok's breath stopped for a second. He turned around for Fog. Luckily, she was quite close to Radiant Garden, so finding her wasn´t too much of a problem. “Fog! Wake up!€ Apok said, as he grabbed Fog. She wasn’t moving, no matter how much Apok called her. Apok decided to get Fog on his shouder, and carry her to town...
Chapter 02: Determination and willpower, the new bearers A tournament was being held at the Olympic Colliseum. A female key bearer stepped out of the gates. “Those Shadows were no match for me.†she said. “Unbelievable!†Phil said. “Still not as good as Herc, but you should be able to take on Sora!†“What was your name again, kid?†Phil asked. “Sentra.†she said. “Done. Do come back to participate some more, eh?†Phil said. Sentra nodded and walked out of the Colliseum. She met Hercules outside the Colliseum. “Hey. Good job back then. That was pretty impressive!†Herc said, and raised his thumb. “You know what your greatest attribute is as a champion contender?†Herc asked Sentra. “You never give up. You fight until death if you have to. That’s what a true hero needs; willpower!†Sentra smiled. “Thanks for the compliment, but I’m never gonna be as good as you, Hercules.†Herc crossed his arms. “You can say Herc, everyone does!†he winked. Sentra smiled. She nodded and walked through the gate, and went to her home in Twilight Town. Arrived in Twilight Town, Sentra walked towards the alley right next to her house. She met Seifer and the gang there. Seifer waved to her, catching her attention. “Hey! Sentra, there you are! Where have you been?†Seifer asked. “Yeah,†Rai-jin continued. “we were bored the heck outta us, y’know?†Fuu-jin was quiet. Vivi joined the group at that moment. “Yo, Viv, you’re late.†Seifer laughed. Vivi raised his shoulders and made a ‘sorry’ motion. “Well, what were you missing me for?†Sentra smiled. Seifer put his hands in his pocket. “Well, I haven’t trained in a while, and these losers seem to be no match for me... Up for some sparring?†Sentra grinned friendly, she accepted the challenge without a second doubt. Seifer engaged in a battle stance, appearing a strange weapon. It looked like an arrow shot from a harpoon gun. Sentra appeared her Keychain; Hidden Dragon. Seifer and Sentra both rushed towards each other as if it were for the sake of mankind. Sentra didn’t stop, but she did wait for Seifer to get in the first hit. Of course, Seifer didn’t hastitate to slash her with the sharp end of his weapon. The left corner of Sentra’s lips raised, revealing an evil-ish grin on her face. Seifer noticed it. “Oh snap...†he thought. Sentra somersaulted over Seifer’s head. But Seifer turned around quicker than Sentra could land behind him. Seifer lunged at Sentra, knocking her backwards. “Wow, Seifer’s gonna win, y’know!†Rai-jin cheered. “Shut it.†Fuu-jin commanded. She just wanted to see how it packed out. Vivi was jumping a hole in the air from excitement. Wonder who he was rooting for? Noone cared, but it seemed he didn’t care for it either. Seifer pinned Sentra against a wall. It looked like Seifer was actually going to win. “Are you going to lose too? Aw, come on... No fun.†Seifer challenged. Suddenly Sentra remembered what Herc told her this morning. “You never give up. You fight until death if you have to. That’s what a true hero needs; willpower!†Sentra pushed Seifer away. Now, the odds were even. Both Seifer’s weapon and Hidden Dragon were being pushed against each other. “Bring it,†Sentra said in herself. “I will not lose!!†she yelled. It was almost like she charged herself up with strength. Seifer’s legs began to shake. He couldn’t hold Sentra anymore, and was being launched backwards. “Wow! I didn’t expect that, y’know!†Seifer was lying on the ground as Sentra raised Hidden Dragon. Seifer grinned, thinking: “finally... †and he then said: “Okay, I give.†Sentra nodded. “Heh. Yeah, you should.†and she lowered Hidden Dragon again. Rai-jin, Fuu-jin and Vivi approached the two fighters. “Sentra! Nice going, y’know!Rai-jin yelled. “Good job...†Fuu-jin muttered. Seifer got up his knees. “Heh, I was hoping for a good match all day. Thanks, Sentra.†Sentra reached out her hand to help Seifer get up. “You too.†she said.
I don't really see how the chapters connect with each other really. I just have a few minor tips. 1. Explain as if you're talking to a person who knows absolutely nothing. Describe character appearances and settings and actions in great detail. 2. Speaking lines; every time you have a new speaker, you start a new paragraph. 3. Word choice- instead of saying that a character "appeared her keyblade", maybe say "summoned" or something along those lines. 4. Oh, and make sure that the chapters somehow connect...that is, if you're not just putting together a bunch of oneshots. Anyway, those are all the suggestions I can think of. I know I may sound like a real critic right now who really disliked your writing, but it's actually the opposite. I did enjoy reading your work, and I went into such great detail because I want to help you improve. So please, don't take my opinions too personally. =)
As for tip 3, thanks! I'm quite good with english, but thank you for helping me! I will use this tip for my new chapters :) As for tip 4, I'm aware of that. I don't want to reveal a part of the story already, but A few new key bearers appear in this fic, so first I'll post chapters in which I'll introduce them :)
I understand if you don't want to completely reveal everything yet, but it would be better if you connected them in some kind of way, even if it's very tiny and unnimportant. =)
Chapter 03: Fog’s sister Sheri, the new bearers Apok arrived at the walls of Radiant Garden with Fog on his shoulder. He saw the building site he destroyed some hours ago. “Are they still there...? Doesn’t matter. I’ll rush right through them if I have to! †Apok said in himself. Once Apok arrived at the giant hole, he started running as fast as he can. People saw the girl needed immediate help, and offered assistance. Apok put Fog down on a coat that a bystander laid down for her. Sephiroth’s curse is getting deeper in her veins with the minute. It’s amazing Fog is still alive at all. “Have you got any medicine sir?†the man asked. “Er... no.†Apok answered in panic. “Dangit, we’re gonna lose her. She needs to get to an hospital!†another man said. The alarm team was called. Now, they’d had to wait five long, thrilling minutes. Apok held Fog’s shaking, almost colorless hand. “...I’m so cold...†Fog whispered quietly. Everyone in the area was standing in a circle around Fog. “Fog! Please stay with us for a couple of minutes!†Apok said, squeezing in Fog's hand. “...Where am I...?†She asked, still struggling for air. “Back in Radiant Garden. You’re going to be okay, Fog! Just don’t worry!†Apok eyes started to water. By looking in Fog’s eyes, he started to lose hope. The ambulance arrived. Fog was being put on a brancard, and was being brought to the nearest hospital. Apok followed the ambulance to the hospital. Once he arrived, he just had to wait until the doctors were done with Fog. Apok took a seat in the waiting room, praying for Fog to live. A nurse approached him. “You’re with Fog, right?†she asked. “Y-yes. How is she?†“I think she will be fine, she just needs some rest.†Apok took a deep breath out of relief. He asked if he could see her, but it was best for her to let her sleep for a few hours to regain her strength. The nurse then left Apok. Relieved, Apok walked to the vending machine. “Mmmh! Pretzels!†Apok said, as he wiped his tongue over his lips. “50 munny!? Oh.†he didn’t had enough munny, too bad. Apok was searching the vending machine for something cheaper to snack, when a stressed girl entered the hospital. “I don’t care! I want to see her now!! †the girl shouted. Apok raised his eyebrow. “Where’s the fire?†he thought. Apok saw the girl running towards gangway 18, same hallway as the room where Fog slept in. Apok looked up. “...That’s a bit too much of a coincidence...†He said in himself. He ran after the girl. He stopped at the corner, and noticed that the door of Fog’s room was open. The girl sat next to Fog’s bed. “Do you know her?†Apok asked. “What do you care?†the girl said. Apok closed the door and took a seat at the other side of Fog's bed. “Well... We’re teammates, sorta speaking.†Apok said. Fog slowly awoke. Apok remained quiet, but the girl suddenly cried. “Fog... I thought you were dead...†she cried. “Sheri... I’m okay, don’t worry.†Fog whispered. She couldn’t talk out loud, it seemed. “That’s what the people were trying to tell you when you wee running in panic through the hospital. She's gonna be okay.†Apok said. Sheri cracked a tiny smile, as she wiped away a tear from her right eye. She and Apok were glad Fog was going to be alright.
Nice update. =). The beginning was especially gripping. However, I must emphasize one of my tips from earlier. Details. Details are what are so important in a story. Other than a storyline, I believe it's the most important thing. You should really get into the specific emotions that characters feel; it would definitly help your story be even more gripping. Also, thoughts are normally just in italics, not italics and quotation markers. Keep up the good work!
Chapter 04: A shady figure, the new bearers “Yeah, hello! Jack Sssssskellington speaking.†A long, tuxedo dressed skeleton said on the telephone. Jack Skellington sat on his chair in front of his table with his legs crossed, leaning on the table. While talking, he did all sorts of tricks with the phone like juggling with them. “Jack! It’s horrible! Or amazing...! Or... or, I don’t know, but you gotta take a look at the towncenter, please!†the mayor said at the other side of the line. Jack decided to take a look from out of his window. From his house, he had a clear view over Halloween Town. He saw a shady figure fighting off Shadow Heartless. Jack leaned over his windowsill. He noticed the figure was fighting with a Keyblade. “Mmmmmh... Could it be... Sora?†Jack’s dark eyes enlarged. He went over to the towncenter. The figure just stood there, like nothing’s happening. He peeked to his right, noticing one of the Shadows lunge at him. The unknown figure swiftly sweept the Shadow out of the air. The Shadows then all joined each other, standing in a crowd. The figure raised his Keyblade, prepared to take them all out at once. Suddenly, Jack swept them away with his long arms. He then saw the guy wasn’t holding the Kingdom Key; it was the Monochrome Keychain. “Hey, you’re not Sora.†Jack said, laying his index finger and thumb on his chin. “Hmph. Are you one of them?†the figure asked, lowering Monochrome. “One of them? Oh no, I can be way more scary!†Jack answered, raising his index finger. The figure dismissed Monochrome. He grinned, as he raised his right eyebrow. “I bet you are. But are you scarier than me? I doubt that.†he lunaticly laughed. “Ho ho hoh, I see you and I have something in common, what is your name, if I may ask?†Jack asked. “My name is Mellar. And it seems we have just crossed paths!†Mellar summoned Monchrome again. Well, well... This is a bloodthirsty one. I think I liked Sora more... Jack thought. “Very well, Jack is the name. Do we really have any need to fight?†Jack said, taking a stroll around the fountain in the middle of the town center with his hands on his back. “It’s not that we need to fight, it’s that I WANT to fight!†Mellar said, raising Monochrome. “Sigh... Well then, then I have no choice... I’m very sorry.†Jack answered, engaging in a battle stance with his boney hands catching fire. Mellar ran towards Jack, who surrounded himself with rings of fire. Mellar wasn’t able to reach Jack because of that. Jack created a centrifuge of flames, and approached Mellar. Mellar could’ve dodged, but instead he stood ground and charged up for a powerful uppercut. With a hard slam, Mellar had hit Jack’s head off which fell on the ground by the guillotine. “Oh, boy. Not again... Hold on, this will just a second.†Jack said, as he approached the guillotine to pick up his head. Mellar prepared to hit Jack in his back. But Jack had foreseen that. Mellar went to slice Jack like an union, but Jack swiftly activated the guillotine, and jumped away. Monochrome was hit by the guillotine, and was being split in half. “Hah! Gotcha!†Jack’s head called, still lying next to Mellar. Jack picked up his head and put it on his neck. His hand caught flame, and he punched Mellar on the cheek, launching him against the fence of Jack’s garden. Mellar stood up quickly. He reached his hand to the other part of Monochrome, lying by the guillotine. It dissapeared, and Mellar dismissed his part of Monochrome. He re-summoned Monochrome, like nothing happened to it. That boy is pretty tough... Jack said in himself, as he cocked his head, making his neck crack. “Hmph... I don’t have time for this...†Mellar muttered. He wiped some dust off his cheek. A dark circle appeared from under him, and he sunk right into it. If Jack had eyebrows, he’d raise it right now. The circle disappeared, and Jack still searched the town center for Mellar, but he seemed to be gone...
Wow, Mellar is a very curious character! I'm interested to see what he'll be like in the future. =) That was definitly your best chapter yet, with character personalities, details, and everything. I can clearly see a difference in your writing since chapter one. Way to go! Keep up the good work. =D
Chapter 05: My, what big key you have, the new bearers “I don’t know what happened...†A large, buff guy said, slauntering through the hall of Beast’s Castle. “How did I come here...?†he questioned. “What am I even doing here...?†It seemed the guy was not alone, he was being followed. I can feel a strange presence here... he thought, as he nervously looked around. He didn’t look where he was walking, and accidentally knocked down an expensive looking vase. Oh, snap... I’m gonna pay for this, literally... he thought. “Don’t worry. That vase was only 3000 years old, who cares...?†a mysterious male said from on top of the stairs. He wore a white jacket of average length. His hair sort of blocked his face, so you couldn’t tell who this guy was, but he was pretty young. “What? Oh. I was already thinking it was brand new! Lucky me!†the large guy said. The mysterious figure didn’t seem to appreciate the joke. He walked down the stairs. “Your name?†the figure said. “Er... Arc.†“Well, Arc, it was nice meeting you. But you’ll have to leave.†the figure said, pointing to the large door leading to the garden. “What?†Arc said, cocking his head. “Nobody tells me what to do! And certainly not a brat like you!†“I repeat; leave this place at once.†Arc refused to leave Beast’s Castle, but the mysterious figure appearently had lots of patience. He walked further down the stairs, until he reached the last step. “You won’t leave? Then I’m gonna MAKE you leave!†the male said as he summoned a Keyblade. It was shaped like a bat wing. “Oh, you also have one of those things.†Arc said, as he summoned Metal Chocobo. Metal Chocobo was a huge, heavy looking Keyblade, almost twice the size of Arc’s opponent. It looked like it was made of steel. A Key bearer... Looks tough... Especially with a Keyblade that size... the figure said in himself. Arc ran towards the male. It looked like Metal Chocobo was so heavy that even a bulky person like Arc had to use two hands to handle its weight. He went for a vertical smash with his Keyblade, that looked more like a hammer instead of a blade. The male dashed to the right with blinding speed, and stopped behind him. Arc used a giant 360 degrees swing with Metal Chocobo, hoping to hit his opponent. The figure easily ducked to avoid it. Instead, Arc hit another vase. *cracks* “Dang! Not again!†he yelled, wiping off sweat from his forehead. The figure swiftly slashed Arc multiple times with his light, easy-to-handle blade. Arc’s wounds made him angry, and more aggressive. Suddenly, he swung Metal Chocobo again, but with one arm. The figure was caught by surprise, and he leaped backwards. “Okay... Enough playing around. Fun time’s OVER!!†Arc shouted, as he swung Metal Chocobo around, only using one arm. Arc showed his teeth, like an aggressive dog would do. He made a battle cry, and then rushed towards the male. The figure grinned. He seemed to have experience in these kind of situations. Arc slammed Metal Chocobo into the ground, but the male dodged it again. Arc was prepared to go for another swing, but it seemed he swung Metal Chocobo a bit too hard into the stone ground; now he couldn’t get it out. Dang it... Arc thought. The figure slowly approached Arc, preparing for a fatal slash. Arc used all of his strength, and pulled Metal Chocobo out of the ground. But at that time, the male already was too close. He raised his blade. It would take out Arc in one slash if hit but Arc, being motivated by that thought, quickly parried his blade. The figure grinned as he moved his right feet. Arc’s pupils shrimped. The figure kicked him in the ribs. Arc was stunned by pain, and got down on his knees. He dismissed Metal Chocobo. Arc was defeated. I can’t beat a kid?! Who is he? he thought. Panting, the figure said: “I admit, your strength is pretty intimidating, but that alone won’t allow you to win it from me... I’ve taken out a way tougher opponent, who's strength is way out of your league... Forget it, I’ll leave you to your business here in the castle.†As the male approached the doors, Arc shouted: “Wait! I want to know your name!†The male turned arund, the moonlight finally revealed his silver hair. “Riku.†--'THE NEW BEARERS' SAGA END--
sorry i missed the other 3 chapters man. but keep it up man youve got great potential, and at the rate your postin' youve also have a great deal of knowledge too.
Riku?!? What's Riku doing there?! Hmm...now that gets me thinking. Does this all take place between Kingdom Hearts 1 and 2? But anyway, enough with my questions. Your writing wasn't bad with that chapter, but I didn't enjoy it as much as the others. I found a lot of your sentences to be really short and choppy, which disrupted the flow of the story. Might I recommend using some more linking verbs and such to help with the flow?
Sure, go ahead, I'd love to :) Oh, and btw, this all takes place BEFORE Kingdom Hearts II, but AFTER Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories.
