Plot: This is the tale of a normal living human by the name of Daniel. From when he was born, to the very moment his world was destroyed. Prologue... When I was a baby, my senses began to activate. I wanted to see everything, I wanted to touch everything and I even wanted to hear everything. My life as a baby was perfect! I got every kind of attention! I was like a king! Things began to change when my father was looking for a job to produce more money for my family, composed of me, my sister, my mother, and of course, my dad. My dad was accepted in a special project called "Project Heart". He was selected as the personal assistant of someone named Ansem. As his assistant, my dad was to organize any meeting Ansem had and he was to organize any problem Ansem had. When I reached my 4 years of age, I was known as a child instead of a baby. The attention I had before began to be less, since I was old enough to go to the bathroom alone and to other things. We decided to one day go to visit my dad at work. A guard was doing his job, blocking the way to Ansem's Study... "May I know what business you have here?" The guard asked "We were hoping to see my husband," My mom replied while her brown sparkly hair was shining and was lifted by the wind "Can we go see him?" She added The man was admiring my mother and suddenly waved his head both sides and said "You may enter," We approached the study It was a place filled with many bookshelf. My father was speaking to two men, one with long blonde hair and the other with short dark brown hair. We approached my dad and the two men and my dad introduced them to us... "Hello happy family!" My dad said while standing up "These are my friends Even and Aeleus!" He added "Why hello there!" My mom said "I'm Nelson's wife! My name is Aileen!" She added "These are my two kids Daniel and Tania!" Said my dad my lifting me to his arms "Oh! Excuse me! I'm his and her daughter Tania! Pleased to meet you!" We sat on some chairs and decided to have some brief conversations .We were talking many hours. We seemed to get well each other. We had fun talking about ourselves and what were they experimenting. All seemed right until a young fellow appeared. He had long white hair and yellow eyes. His eyes were filled with a wicked fire. The young fellow approached us... "Even, Aeleus, you are needed at the lab, PRONTO!" Said the young fellow Afterwards, he left the room. "We are sorry to leave in just a great moment like this!" Said Even "Indeed. Sometimes Xehanort likes to "borrow" us with short words" Said Aeleus "Oh, don't worry! We had a great time!" Said my mother while standing up of the chair "We understand that you are busy, after all, you told us about your project," Added my mom "OK! Bye!" Both Even and Aeleus said while leaving Me, my mom and my sister decided to leave my dad's work. We finally arrived at home but... BOOM! An explosion was heard! When we looked out of the window, there was smoke at Ansem's castle! That was the place where my dad works! My mom and my sister rapidly contacted Aerith and told her to babysit me while they headed toward the castle. Two minutes later, a young women with long brown hair and a red shirt arrived and my mom and sister left to the castle. I was worried! I wanted to know what happened in that place and if my family was OK! All of a sudden, the wind stopped blowing, time was completely frozen, I began to float and the earth started shaking and everything got cold. I decided to close my eyes. When I opened my eyes, I was in a place very dark. The only thing visible was.... Nothingness! I was floating in deep nothing. I closed my eyes and started feeling that my heart left my body. When I opened my eyes, I touched my chest and... There was a hole! The hole slowly began to be filled by darkness. All I could feel was my soul. Suddenly, my whole body got transported into a place where it was covered by light and darkness. Suddenly, my body began to shine and it changed. I saw myself at a mirror created by light. I was different, very different. I was... 13 years old! Time passed quickly and changed me. When I opened my hand, I felt something. Suddenly, a sword appeared in my hand. That sword, it's blade was infused with fire, it had an onyx infused and the handles were violet. I could only think about three words in my head... Rage, Revenge and Despair. Those three words haunted my head. I thought I was to be alone, here, in a place covered by light, but engulfed by darkness. After who knows minutes passed, a portal opened. That portal, it was my only escape, so I decided to leave this cursed place. When I approached the portal, my hand began glowing with a fearsome damp light. A voice then whispered in my head... "You have been entrusted the power of the Corridors of Darkness," I approached the portal and was teleported into a small hall with only two portals, the one behind me was the one I used to escape that cursed place, and the one far at the end of the hall. I walked there and approached the portal and get warped into a place ruled by darkness and engulfed in fire. When I saw a that castle in fire, I knew from the very moment I was in my... Home! -END OF PROLOGUE-
Chapter One: The Hollow World... There I was, staring at the destruction of my world. It was a moment where I would burst into tears but, I didn't have a heart. I decided to take a walk and look around for any life still detectable in this hollow world. Everything was in fire, the whole place was in fire. I looked and looked and I found no life in the world where I was lived. I decided to take a look at the castle. While I was approaching the castle, I managed to notice a dark portal closing at my right side. I looked at where it was and decided to open it and I approached it and sucked by it. I was in the same hall I was before but, a new portal was opened. I was to approach the new portal but noticed someone entering the portal leading to that dark place infused with light. I approached the portal and returned to that cursed place. To my surprise, I saw six hooded men around someone in some lab coat. To my surprise, it was a man with fading blonde hair and a beard and mustache. That man, he was utterly familiar. I knew I saw him before but... Where? One old man in lab coats... No! It couldn't be him but, it was him. Ansem, the one my father worked for. If I approached him now, I was to know what happened to my home world and where are my parents. From all of a sudden, the six hooded men left. I approached Ansem and asked him about our home world... "Ansem, what happened to our home world?" "You know what happened... You traitor!" "What?! But I'm not with those fools!" "What? Then who are you?" "I was the son of your assistant," "... Daniel?" "YES! When I opened my eyes I was reborned here since my heart was taken!" "So... It has reduced to this but... You look older!" "I don't know the reason but, let's get to the point, what happened?" "Well, while me and your father were discussing about our trip to a world called Disney Castle, Xehanort ambushed us!" "WH-WHAT?!" "Indeed. He unleashed a dark power I never knew he had,: "But get to the point! WHERE ARE MY FATHER AND MOTHER AND MY SISTER?!" "As soon as the ambushed started, I told him to leave with his family. To his surprise, your mother and sister were already there and told him that you were well protected," "I was... FORGOTTEN?!" "NO! Your mother knew that you would be safe but, that guess was just a mere thought, look at you now, you don't have a heart," From those words mt head began to get dizzy. I grabbed my sword and sticked it on the ground. I was... Forgotten by my own family... Forgotten. I could see myself happy with my family and suddenly I was to be disappearing and they were still happy. I was feeling something warm in the place my heart was... What is it? Is it love or... REVENGE!
It's very good. I am interested to see how this story will come out By the way, here's some advice. Try adding a little more description to some parts, instead of all dialogue. I know you have a lot of description, too, but some readers dislike all dialouge. The prologue was simply amazing, though. Good job *thumbs up* I am soooooooooooooooo jealous of your prolougue. So for revision, I have some advice. For example, instead of you having "Ansem, what happened to our home world?" "You know what happened... You traitor!" "What?! But I'm not with those fools!" "What? Then who are you?" "I was the son of your assistant," "... Daniel?" "YES! When I opened my eyes I was reborned here since my heart was taken!" "So... It has reduced to this but... You look older!" "I don't know the reason but, let's get to the point, what happened?" "Well, while me and your father were discussing about our trip to a world called Disney Castle, Xehanort ambushed us!" "WH-WHAT?!" Here's a revised version. I know you write in first person, but this is only an example lol. I find it easier to write in third person. "Ansem, what happened to our home world?" Daniel watched as Xemnas narrowed his golden eyes and curl his lip in anger. "You know what happened... You traitor!" Daniel's eyes grew wide, and the boy took a few steps back from Ansem. Fear and confusion came over the accused child, making the situation harder to get a hold of. He finally managed the courage to speak again, and he spat out, "What?! But I'm not with those fools!" Ansem's' eyes suddenly went dark, no longer glowing with anger. He parted his dark lips, ready to say something, then paused once again. Finally, he pointed a hand to Daniel's chest and asked softly, "What? Then who are you?" "I was the son of your assistant," The words seemed to pierce straight to the bone of Ansem. He hissed softly, not in anger but in wonderment. "... Daniel?" The name echoed around them, though it was quickly drowned out by the eager response. Daniel was glad that Ansem had recognized him. "YES! When I opened my eyes I was reborned here since my heart was taken!" Ansem's yellow eyes swept across the boy's body, taking in the familear person's figure. Daniel watched the blonde haired man squint his eyes and put a hand on his chin. "So... It has reduced to this but... You look older!" Daniel looked at himself, not noticing until that moment that he looked much more mature then before. He shook that detail out of his head. He needed to find out what had happened. "I don't know the reason but, let's get to the point, what happened?" "Well, while me and your father were discussing about our trip to a world called Disney Castle, Xehanort ambushed us!" "WH-WHAT?!" oh wait...you're banned. I didn't know, lol. Wow, Axelrific joined THREE DAYS AGO and had 300 something posts. I have never seen that before in all my time on kh-vids.net Well, it was a good story lol.
