Kingdom Hearts Keyblade Chronicles (Roxas as main charector)

hello!!!! :D i decided to do a fan fic cause uh.......i was bored.....i hope i do get popular!!!!!!!!


KINGDOM HEARTS
KEYBLADE CHRONICLES

Chapter 1
Destiny

"maybe......maybe it was all for nothing...."



"Is it wrong to be..........a nobody?"



"i always thought nobodys were doomed to fade back into darkness"




"YOUR NOBODYS!!!You dont even have hearts!"



"i guess my summer vacation is......over"


"see ya.........partner..."




Roxas stood afloat in a world full of emptyness.So many memories though his mind.Was this the end for roxas?"....l-light?"Roxas said slowly as he saw a hand grabing his and picking him up."Roxas?"Asked the voice of a girl."You dont have to hand on any longer". "namine?"Roxas asked."Namine?"said the voice."Whos Namine?"."I guess he must miss his girlfriend".said a strange voice of a man."I think this one should get a second chance."said the womans voice."your lucky friend"said the mans voice."looks like your getting a heart".



Roxas woke up in a city."augh were am i?" Roxas asked himself as he was getting up.Roxas read a bulliton board in the city."Radiant garden?"Roxas said after he read.Roxas saw a girl with blonde hair thinking it was namine!"Namine!"Roxas shouted as he followed her.Soon roxas made it to a door.it read merlins house.Roxas walked in."Hello?"Roxas said as he opened the door."HEY!Wat are you doin here?"said a man with blonde hair.the man was wearing a white shirt and some jeans."Im sorry"Said roxas."hey did u see a blonde girl in here?"."A blonde girl?"asked the man."nope no blonde girls here.Im Cid!"."hi.."roxas said nervously."im roxas"."Nice to meet ya roxas!"said cid.Then another blonde haired man walked in.the other man had blonde spikey hair and held a big sword and wore black clothes."Cid we got a problem!"said the man."The Heartless are going-".then he saw roxas.the man growled as he took his sword out."Were is she?!"asked the man."weres who?"asked roxas."now now calm down cloud!"said Cid."WERE IS SHE?!"Demanded cloud as he started to attack roxas.Roxas took out his keyblades and ran towards the square.


Cloud and Roxas kept clashing there weopens against each other.Roxas jumped high in the air and did a spin slash attack.Cloud dodged it and kept attacking.then there weopens clashed and they were pushing eachother."tell me!".demanded cloud."what have you done to her?!"."i dont know wat your talking about!" yelled roxas as he pushed back cloud.Cloud jumped in the air towards a building."Fine be that way."he said."ill put u back were u belong.".cloud then started slashing the building and it started to go down.(like in advent children)."Ill undo wat she did!"said cloud as he fell towards roxas.Roxas tried to stab him but his oathkeeper got stuck in the building."Damn!"he said as he watched the building coming towards him.Roxas took his oblivion and stuck it in the building.then he took them both out and started slashing the pieces of the building.Cloud slashed one and started attack roxas while in the flying rubble."Nobodys dont exist"he said."there nothing but scum!weak left over shells that have no right in the world!"."THATS NOT TRUE!!"roxas yelled as he grabbed cloud and threw him over to another building."you just dont get it!".Roxas got closer to cloud and started to glow white."Nobodys do have a right in the world!".Roxas started doing a powerful Sonic blade attack in the air.Stabbing left to right at cloud until he stabbed cloud into the ground.Roxas was about to give the final blow."Roxas?"said the womans voice agian."This isnt right.Fighting isnt the way to solve it."."Aeris?"Cloud asked."Cloud was just worried about me" said the voice."i made sure you two met.".said the voice.Roxas got off of cloud."Hey..."Roxas said."sorry"."Guess your not the one."said cloud."he must of done it!"."Who?" asked roxas."Sephiroth."Cloud said."have u seen him?he has silver hair and carries a long sword.".Roxas remembered seeing a silver haired person down by the Radiant Garden station while he was chasing the blonde girl."i think i seen him".said Roxas."Hes near the station."."thanks!"cloud said."Lets go!".They both headed for the Radiant Garden station meeting there next challenge!


So wat do u think?is it good?should i continue?

 

Hah page pwn!!! The stories interesting so far.
You got the conversation about Roxas's heart from the end of Advent Children, didn't you, huh,huh!!???

 

The story plot is interesting, but you need to work a bit on your grammar and the way you present the story.

Example:
(...)
Cloud said:
"Have you seen him? He has silver hair and carries a long sword."
Roxas remembered(....)

 

yes...........i got that from AC.........................i thought it would be uh.........idk and desmonic i only have 18% in LA................srry ill try to get better.oh yeah and ill be taking ideas from some people so if u have an idea for the story tell me plz

 

im writing next chapter tommorow cause im goin to my cuzes 2 night and they dont have a cpu

 

That was pretty cool. You just have to work on the conversation. remember when a new person is speaking than you must start another paragraph.

-my english teacher

 

thanx 4 the tip!!!NEXT CHAPTER 2night.or tommorow 4 u cause i live in calgary and most of u live in europe

 

YAY chapter 2 is up!




KINGDOM HEARTS
KEYBLADE CHRONICLES
Chapter 2
Battle





Roxas and cloud quickly went to look for Sephiroth."How are gonna get there?"Asked Roxas."its way to far!"."Dont worry"cloud said."well ride on my bike the Fenrir."."Fenrir?"asked roxas.Cloud whistled and the fenrir came right to cloud."Cool"said roxas as he got on."Hang on"Said cloud."this will be one bumpy ride"!.the two got on and headed for the Radiant Garden station.


Roxas and cloud went through radiant garden looking for sephiroth.Up on top of a sky scraper three silver haired men appeared.It was Kadaj Yazoo and Loz."Brother?"asked Yazoo."Is that the Keyblade master?"."Yeah"said Kadaj."but he dosnt look like the one Big Brother explained."."He may still be of use to us though"said Yazoo."then its good that big brother is bringing him to us."said loz."but he has found out about Sephiroths were abouts."."hehe.he wont get there."Said Kadaj."If he wants Aeris back he must make our deal.Yazoo,Loz!i want you two to make sure brother dosnt make it to sephiroth.".The other two went on there Fenrirs to pursue Cloud and Roxas.


"looks like were being followed"said Roxas."Damn i forgot"said cloud in his mind.Roxas took out his two keyblades and got ready for battle.Roxas heard gunshots firing at him."Damn i never fought with guns"said roxas.Roxas and cloud got near yazoo and roxas started hitting him with the keyblades and yazoo attacked with the gun."brother arnt you forgeting somthing?"asked yazoo to cloud.cloud tried to stay focused.roxas jumped off the fenrir and got on yazoos fenrir.the weopens kept clashing against another until yazoo knocked roxas of the fenrir.Yazoo shot roxas in the head when roxas was knocked off.Roxas jumped over to clouds fenrir and got on.Yet another person on a fenrir was pursueing roxas.Roxas tried to attack the other man but the other man hit roxas with the strange thing on his arm.it shoked roxas."What about our deal?"asked Loz to cloud.Roxas kept attacking both but kept getting hit.roxas then saw another fenrir riding in the area.it was a black haired woma closing in on roxas."Use this!" said the woman as she handed roxas a gun.the gun had three barrels and the barrels were raped in a heating chain.the handle glowed red and the gun had bat wings on the handle."use it carefully."said the woman as she drove off.Roxas kept clashing at the two and then got off clouds fenrir.Roxas got on yazoos and kept clashing at him.Roxas then threw yazoo off the fenrir and took over.Yazoo landed on Lozes fenrir and the two went toward roxas.the two fenrirs clashed and roxases fenrir was in the air.Roxas then pulled out the gun and shot it.The bullet created a huge firey explosion when it hit yazoo.Luckly roxas used reflega before the explosion hit cloud and roxas.


The two stopped riding and got off in the station."Who were those guys?"asked roxas.Cloud looked at roxas and took out his sword."what the?!"roxas said in shock."thanks to you i finally remembered my job!"said cloud as he got ready to attack.Roxas pulled out his keyblades and ran towards cloud.But Roxas got stabbed in the back by a blade.Roxas fainted.

Roxas woke up a few hours later in a dark lab filled with strange experiments."where am i?"roxas asked himself.roxas looked around and did not know were he was.Roxas was captured!!!

 

This is alright. I like the story however the grammar and style could be tweaked.

1) seriously you need to start a new paragraph for every new bit of speech

2) You should capitalize the beginning of sentences even when people are saying the sentences

3) Explain more about what's going on and show more context. At times I felt like I missed something. Like, when Roxas supposedly got knocked out he was up and running around in the next sentence. when re-reading and editing ask yourself Does this make sense to anyone but me?

Other than that it's alright. Like I said, the premise is good but the comprehension can get a bit foggy at times. Keep it up and try reading the writers workshop stickied thread at the top.

 

im doing the best i can i only have 18% in LA