Jokes that Conservatives/Republicans/Anybody-with-a-sense-of-humor can laugh at.

The title says it all. Here are some of my favorite right-wing jokes. I did not write these so kudos to whomever wrote these jokes. These are some of my particular favorites. Anybody who leans right of center on this forum will probably appreciate these(I hope I'm not the only one).Some libs might not. To them I say, I've put up with the liberal smugness of Family Guy, Bush is an idiot jokes, Republicans are greedy jokes, and other liberal sources of humor, so let me have equal time to joke back. THIS is just for fun!

POLITICS FOR DUMMIES:

FASCISM:
You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.

NAZISM:
You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoot you.

BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. State takes both of them, kills one and spills the milk down the drain.

DEMOCRAT / SOCIALIST (Same thing these days...)
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. The government takes one
and gives it to someone else. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is
good.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any
creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands
if they were liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their
teacher, their hands flew up into the air. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone
along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal
Democrat." "Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?" ''Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the
little girl. The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she was a conservative
Republican. "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me
and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican
too." The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad
was a moron. What would you be then?" She pauses, and lets out a smile. "Then," Lucy says, "I'd be a liberal
Democrat."

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Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies
everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job four years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke
cigars, cruise around, and talk with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went
away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?


Signed,

Clueless
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him any more. You're a United States Senator from
New York. Act like it!

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Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your spouse and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous
looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your
hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever
done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about
the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say
about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he
just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was
stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a
conclusion.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Southern Conservative Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

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Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white
from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start
working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of
brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all.
Jesse did, and replied, "That tasted like bull sh**!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."

(Yeah, I know. Rasict joke, huh? But I liked it. I hate Jesse Jackass)

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TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not
Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians.... It creates a hostile work environment.

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The Marine and the Insurgent

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and
unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The
Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine
what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a
heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted
Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean spirited woman."
"He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!'"
"So there we were, standing in the middle of the road shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

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A Republican and Democrat are walking down the street and come across a homeless man with a sign that says
"Please Help".
The Republican pulls fifty dollars out of his pocket and gives it to the homeless man. He also gives the man his
business card and says "Get something to eat and get yourself cleaned up. Then come and see me and I'll give you
a job."
The Democrat sees this and thought that was nice. The Democrat wanted to do something for this man also....after
all being a Democrat means he likes to help people.
So the Democrat reaches into the Republican's pocket, pulls out another fifty dollars and gives it to the homeless
man!
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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write
God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President
thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a "Thank-you" note to God, which read:
"Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those idiots deducted $95.00 in taxes!"

---------------------------------------------

THE LARK PROGRAM (This one is my favorite)

A Lady liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent
(terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.

She received back the following reply:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington , D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently
being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal
care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to
your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for
you to hire some assistant caretakers! .

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with
those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we
hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character
flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you
plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such
simple items as a pencil or nailclippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at
your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household
products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a
subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show
violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more
appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of
"respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.

Good luck!

------------------------------------------

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The
Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes,"
so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat
down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus
over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down
and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed
her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian
felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me. Im collecting
disability!"

-----------------------------------

When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face
and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for
the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next; he beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired
me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 67 other early Americans unleashed their anger on
the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden whined through blood and broken teeth and
said, "This is not what you promised me."

*The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I
said?"

 

Yeah I can see this thread being locked in the near future.

 

...........I didn't get half of those...

 

...

 

Yeah, I agree.

Where's the comedy in this? o_o

 

lol nice. Most were not bad. Oh I love political jokes.​

 

I don't get them D=

 

Why is that?

I'll explain. Muslims believe that when they die, their sins are balanced on a scale. If you've done more good things than bad, you go to heaven and vice versa. But, Muslims also believe in an event called the Jihad or "The Holy War". In which they must convert the world to the religion of Islam. If one does not comply with becoming a muslim, they must be killed. In this war, the muslim jihadist believe that if you die in the holy war, your sins are immediately forgiven, you go right to heaven, where seventy-two virgins await you. The joke was that 72 VIRGINIANS(A state in this country, assuming you live in the USA) await the muslims, but they mistranslated it.

Glad you liked them. :laughing-smiley-004

Most of the jokes, you have to know allitle something about politics from both sides, stuff about the politicians, stuff about the econemy. Not insulting you, just saying.

 

I generally dislike politicians in general, but after what the conservatives did to the UK I generally hate the right wing with a vengance >_> Although they fit in perfectly with the American dream "The land of oppertunity............if you've got enough money".

On the other hand I don't like the extreme left either, lol I generally just hte extremes of anything x].

Quite a few of them I didn't find funny, a few made me smile.

 

Thank God for good American conservatists. JUSTICE!

 

Are you saying that just to make fun of me? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.