I've been wanting to post this for a few days...

And I've finally plucked up the courage to do it

And yes I'm copying this from a thread in the Spam Zone.

I hate people. To me socialising is like sticking your hand in the toilet afret taking a diahrea dump, I just can't stand the idea. At school at break time instead of going outside like everyone else I wander the corridors, and if I get sent outside I sit along away from my firends, and only speak if spoken to. I ahte talking, I cant stand people's voiced, like in chemistry I have a friend called James, and he always wants to have a conversation, and I can't stand it, there are times when I;ve told him to shut the **** up because I cant stand his voice, and hes just laughed and carries on. At one point I actually started trying tos cratch my throat out because I couldn't stand the torture.

I also have a lot of trouble sleeping, due to constantly hearing things in the night, picturing things watching me in my sleep, or at one point, I convinced myself that the fovernment erased my memories while I slept, and that it was contreolled by aliens that watched me and did things to me in my sleep. I also convinced myself that there was something outside my door and barricaded it at night. I can only sleep during the day, never at night.

I also have hallucinations, one is in the form of a white girl who i suaully only see for a split second, although som etimes its prolonged, sometimes she's crying and sometimes not, I also hear a voice that always questions whatever I'm doing.

I can't stand my mother. I nevver could. I ahte talking to her (although I hate talking to pretty much anyone) and shes always questioning me and complainign about me. AI constantly feel like a burden with her about and have even had thouhtts of killing her in the past. She complains alot because I procrastinate and I often forget to do something when she asks, like earlier today she asked me to lock the front door, and when I got to the kitchen I'd forgotten what the asked me to do. And another instance today, I was making her a drink, and I forgot which was the cup and which was the coffee container, and knocked the cup over with the container lid.

Sometimes I'm really apathetyic, other times I want to break down and cry, and others I'm abnormally hyper, it seems random.

I also have the problem of dooing... wel.. nothing. There are times where I've sat there doing nothing for HOURS because I didnt have the motivation to do anything.

I also hate eatting, to me eating is a chore, not something to be enjoyed.

Sometimes I dont understand what people say, or dont understand bosy language either, and

I've forgotten what I was going to write.

thats it. And soemtimes I think that there are coded messages to me in car number plates.

I get confused about EVERYTHING. As in I dont understand anything. I'm a mathematician/physician so I';m obsessed with understanding things and well,

The best way t explain this is with an example of something that happens to me sometimes in maths.

Ill be doing a VERY SIMPLE equation like 35+67 and I'll have no idea what the answer is and how to work it out. I'll suddenly become very confused and want to cry, ill start hitting myself and making distressed noises.

Well its like that except I dont get ANYTHING

AT ALL
I'll often say that I don't think what we're experiencing is real, and that I'm confused. In fact. I'll definetely sy I'm confused, I become extremely insecure and just want to run away

I also confuse words, and sometimes have trouble reading


I feel like God has abandoned me...

 

I am sorry to hear that...It sounds like you have many problems...You seem intent on imagining things that are not human such as aliens...And you seem to hate human contact in general...Can I ask what it is about people you hate so much...I mean why...Because I think thats what causes the hallucinations at night and the number plate thing, to the fact your so desperate to get away from humanity. Until you resolve your issues with humanity i doubt your hallucinations...And is eating a chore because you have to eat with other people too? And the stress from simple math questions...it happens to us its a case of normal stress, for example my sister she runs out of the classroom crying if she cant get a question right. It seems the only thing that could solve this is if you fix your issue about hating peoploe so again...why do you hate them, what is it you cannot stand? do you hate yourself and your own voice too?

 

They just annoy me, and I generally feel uncomfortable around them.

Eating is a chore because I dont taste the food, so its just, put crap in your mouth and swallow for ages.
My own voice doesnt really bother bother me, although I use it as little as possible.
Strangely I dont feel this way about people when theyre online, including people I detest IRL

 

I gotta say, you remind me a bit of myself.

Well, I have sort of have the opposite problem. I hate being the quiet kid in class, but I'm socially awkward, and usually stay away from people unless I'm close to them. And even THEN, I don't say much. What I do is try to find people who like the same things as me and start to talk about them. Then, hopefully, they'll become more friendly towards you.

I usually have trouble sleeping. I sleep with my door closed, also. I just lie awake in bed watching TV and eventually I forget all about it and fall asleep.

Does the girl seem familiar from something long ago, or maybe from one of your dreams, perhaps? If so, it may be your subconscious creating a new friend for you to make you feel less lonely. About the voice, I believe that's you doubting yourself. Do people often criticize you? Well, maybe that has caused you to question everything you do.

What I do is repeat to myself what I'm supposed to do while I'm going towards it and get it done fast. That way, it's hard to forget.

I think you may want to see a doctor or a therapist about that. You may be bipolar.

I have the same problem. My advice is to just find something little to do that doesn't require a lot of energy. Eventually,you'll start to become more active.

I usually feel like that if I'm eating something I've already eaten a lot. Try eating something different. You'll get more variety, and hopefully more foods to enjoy.

I usually have the same problem. Somebody tells me something, I ask them to repeat it, and then a split second later I understand. Try waiting a little while to process what they've said.

I think that may be just paranoia.

Try just relaxing a bit and then going back to it. You'll feel a lot better.

Sometimes, I think the best thing would be to run away. You can be alone to calm yourself down.

I have the same problem. What I do is, if something doesn't make sense while I'm reading, I go back and re-read what I just read. Then, it starts to make sense.

 

NEVER! *coughgoodchristiancough* ahem, you'll be in my prayers.

What your saying is completely normal. I've experienced everything there except the not liking food and the wanting to kill my mum...

Sometimes its natural for us to be alone. And as long as you don't think about the people who may be judging you for your behaviour, keep to yourself, there's nothing wrong with that.

If alot of things are on my mind, I will have a lot of trouble sleeping. I have also pictured things watching me and it freaks me out. I dunno about you but I get a tad paranoid when I think about it

It seems like a lot of your problems can be a result of lack of sleep and a lot of stress, particularly from your mother and the whole breaking down thing. It'd be good to know what year of school your in, just so I get a general idea of your exams. Unfortunately stress leads to no sleep, and no sleep leads to further stress. Relax, try taking afternoon naps to catch p on your sleeping. Hope it helps ^^

 

I'm sorry I can't do anything. I know how it feels to be absolutely terrified at night. Though, what you're going through is probably far worse than whatever I've experienced. Sleeping pills may help you sleep better at night. Though you may be too paranoid about that too. If you say it isn't as bad now, then I'm glad. Again, I'm not sure what to say or recommend. Or help.

 

You've put extra emphasis on your intent to be anti-social, but if you want some of what you've stated to improve, you have to seek help, either from a counselor or a psychiatrist or someone. I'm not kidding. Some of these things, such as the hallucinations and the sudden mood swings and the homocidal/suicidal thoughts, aren't going to go away on their own and are likely to only get worse.

 

To me these sound like symptoms..... of Aurtism... they have problems with socialising find dayly life a choar but what they can do they do exstrealmly well. Do you also keep a set way of doing things that you never brake?

 

I planned to see a therapist, but then it started improving a bit, so i let it be, though it's getting worse again lately.

Not at all, I'm an extremely disorganized person.

 

See, this is a cycle I get myself into with pretty much every issue. I get really upset with a situation and am just about at my breaking point where I know I have to do something, but then things start looking up the smallest bit and I lose all of my momentum to fix things. I say the word cycle because things always fall back down.

You're never going to escape this unless you seek out help, and as Luna said, I think your best option is seeing someone. This doesn't sound like something that a simple change in lifestyle or encouraging words are going to fix. I'm sorry if that doesn't help much, but I really think that is your only option if you want things to change.

 

This is strange.Have you tried therapy?

I used to have the same problem.Try to think of something happy.Do you like anything you love?When i had nightmares i dreamt sora up to kick his/her ass.

I've heard this problem alot before.I think this has to do with you not socializing,maybe your lonley,sometimes when your lonley,you make an "Imagery friend",look for someone who share the same interest as you and talk to them.

I noticed you spelled some words backwardsish,do you have dyslexia?If so maybe you have ADHD

This kills my ADHD idea,maybe your just like that?

This sounds alot like dyslexia and dyscalculia
Lastly God will never leave you.I'll pray for you.

Sorry if this didn't help.

 

I can relate to being anti-social. I hate being around too many people, actually I have had to leave a friends house before because there were too many people hanging around. I got a friend to ditch a group we were with because I didn't feel comfortable, though I don't have many real friends. I have people I call my friends but I wouldn't lift a finger to help them, anyway being anti-social doesn't have to be a "bad" thing. You just have to know how to deal with it. It is almost like being claustrophobic, if you close your eyes and pretend you aren't there you can get through it. I have had to do just that at least several times before. As for the other issues I would suggest counseling, that would be your best method of action. If this helps in the least bit I will be glad, if not then I am sorry. I hope you can find the help you are looking for.

 

Not enough information given for me to be sure of this, but...
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx33.htm

Anything traumatic happen in your life, or have you been this way for as long as you can remember? Nurture or nature.

 

.......I know how you feel about the anti-social thing...like when you just wanna be alone but people keep talking? Happens all the time to me....:D

 

It started not long after a death.

 

If this was a sudden change of behavior, then it would probably be depression. We can safely rule out personality disorders.

 

Well I suppose that's a relief ._.

I know, I know.

 

I understand what you mean about hating people. I feel like that sometimes as well, but unfortunately, and fortunately having relationships is inevitable.

It does seem like all of what you are going through are symptoms of depression. I am also at the moment depressed, and I find it very difficult opening up to someone, especially a professional. However, it does feel good to get things off your chest, doesn't it? Only posting this is a first step. You don't jump into the dark unless you know what's waiting there, baby steps. I wish I had more knowledge about psychology, but unfortunately I don't. As you can see, we all want to help to the best of our ability, but I don't think we can help you the same way a professional can.

I would not start taking sleeping pills though, because even though they work, many people suddenly feel reliant on them. I strongly suggest you do see someone, I know my ex-girlfriend sees one now, and she tells me it works very well.

As for the death, I'm very sorry. It is always hard to lose someone, I have lost friends before and it really hurts. But it's the cycle of life, it's inevitable. What I think you should do with this experience, is to grow from it, become stronger. That's how the human race is able to survive, we adapt. We learn from our experiences. I'm not saying suddenly one day you're gonna wake up and everything is perfect, it has to be done by taking one step at a time. Posting this, as I mentioned, is one of many steps. I'd like to help you through the process of taking these steps.

I'm very sorry you have to go through this, but I strongly believe you are able to get out of it, stronger than ever. God will always be there for you. Even though you might not always feel that he's there, he always is, he always has been, and he always will be. Nor we or God can make you talk to someone, but I know that both the people here at KHV and God want you to.

And if all you need is someone to talk to, you can talk to me via PM or some other kind of messaging system, I have most of them. If so, I swear I will keep my lips sealed and help you as much as I can.

- You have my prayer from Norway.

 

Seriously you should talk to someone about this. If people's voices are annoying is you should go to an online proffesional counsellor - of which there are heaps of to help lots of people who go through similar struggles. After you're feeling you can actually talk to someone in person they'll probably redirect you to a local counsellor or if your school has a counsellor talk to them. There's probably a youth worker at your church right? Talk to them if you think God in particular could help you.