I've been questioning myself as a person a lot recently

I’ve been questioning myself as a person a lot recently.

I really shouldn’t be. I’ve been raised knowing I am female, and I am proud to be a female, but I’ve always been more of a tomboy anyway, and I usually wear men’s clothing or sweatpants, other than the times when I wear dresses because I like dresses. Really I’m just confused as to why I feel like less of a woman lately. I have the body of a woman, I like glitter and shiny things, but I look at myself and don’t see it. I just see me, a person. I don’t even see a particularly good or special person. I feel plain, and I don’t feel like myself either, I never have. I’ve always felt like I’m just fitting in for my parents’ and everyone else’s sake. I feel more comfortable wearing band shirts and jeans all day than anything, and I keep my hair short because it feels better, and I don’t particularly care about the way I look like I used to. I keep myself clean, I keep myself decent, so it shouldn’t matter, right?

I just sometimes wish my image lived up to my attitude, and on top of that, I wish I could know what’s right and what’s wrong when it comes to gender roles, because I feel like a male the majority of the time now, until I’m slapped in the face with a comment about my breasts, or weight from some *******. I just wish I could go to the mall or the store and be able to look through clothing that I want, and on top of that, be able to fit into it.

I need to lose weight first and foremost, and then I can go from there I guess. I just want to be able to look like the person I feel like I am, and not just walk around like I’m stuck in a really itchy suit. I feel weird for feeling this way, but I just want to be able to feel okay.

I feel like I make no sense, my thoughts are sprawled out into a hundred different things at once. Moreover the fact that I wish I were at a healthy weight so that I could wear clothes that feel comfortable without having to spend all kinds of extra money, and then I just want to feel right, because I don't. I don't feel like I'm the person that I am and it bothers me. My personality is fine, a bit strong at times, but fine. It's just that my body doesn't match my brain, and I feel so confused.

I'm actually embarrassed by all of this, that's why I want help from here because I don't know anyone I can talk to about this in person. I'm just confused, and I am a grown ass woman, I shouldn't be needing to ask for help about this, I should be able to keep it in my head and just do what I want, but I feel like I can't do what I want, like I'm being held back by something, and I don't know what. There are a lot of run-on sentences here, I'm sorry.

 

I get your concern, it's valid, and it's stuff some people figure out straight away or take a while to deal with, heck even occassionally after feeling great dipping back into this feeling.

Personally I've always kind of had a body image problem, still do to an extent. But now, honestly, I just don't care how some random person at the pub or down the street sees me anymore. I am with my friends, or by myself, I am accepteding of myself and what I have been through.
Most people get some sense of that. It's all about self confidence.

Though I feel confident, I still doubt myself, and what I do. I think that's healthy. I'm not marred down by some fantasy that 100% of the time i'm great or feeling great, because that's not true. Some days I can't see myself as anything but a failure, as a lonely man. If I didn't have these days I would never appreciate the good ones.
Some days I doubt I am healthy, or have images of me turning into some made man, becoming a monster of some sort in my deluded mind. That's my past self, a part of me that isn't as strong anymore because I choose not to let it be, and if I didn't question myself, I may never see if I turn into that monster I fear. It may jsut happen before I can realise.

What i'm getting at is that questioning who you are sometimes can be a good thing, a self reflection.

What you wear is your choice, and reflects you in a way, but petty social norms shouldn't dictate the type of things you wear. You choose what you want. That's the great thing about modern living, our choices are greater then ever before in history.
In the end, it's all about how you see yourself on the inside, and not what you wear. You can wear what you like, as long as you keep a hold of who you ar eon the inside.

I hope that helped in some way.