It's either anxiety or I'm just really freaking insane...

I think I might have anxiety issues. Well, I know I have issues, I just don't know how to classify them.

The reason I suspect anxiety is because both my mom and my older sister have been diagnosed with anxiety. I've never been diagnosed with anything because I've never seen a therapist because I've never asked for one because I'm afraid it costs money and I feel like it'll put unneccessary stress on my family because even if insurance covers it they'll have to worry about driving me to my appointments and all that other stuff and it just seems like it should be something I should deal with on my own.

I first noticed it near the beginning of my senior year, though looking back, there's evidence of it back as far as I can remember. Every time a teacher would assign something that I felt would be difficult, I would start freaking out inside. Sometimes, it got so bad that I would actually cry in the middle of class. I would start panicking because I would think about how that project would make life more difficult, and how if I didn't do a perfect job, I would fail the class, drop out of high school, never get into college, and be a bum for the rest of my life.

Most of my anxiety attacks came from school, so I assumed that once I graduated, they would stop. I was wrong. Now, I tend to freak out about the future. I got into my dream college, but now, I worry about paying for it. I didn't get nearly enough scholarships, and now that the state of California cut the Cal Grants from private colleges, there goes most of my funding. Every time I think about going to college, I think about how to try and pay for it. I obviously can't pay for it out of pocket, but I'm terrified of entering into a student loan because of all the horror stories I've heard about someone's student debt following them around for the rest of their lives and ruining their chances at a successful life. I think, "Maybe if I was a better person... If I wrote a better essay... If I volunteered for something other than running an anime convention (which took a lot of work, but because it's "just cartoons" and not saving puppies or feeding homeless people, scholarship committees don't care)... Maybe I could have gotten more scholarships... Oh well, you ruined your life, have fun being a hobo crushed under student debt!"

I also freak out when it comes to social situations. I want people to think the best of me to maximize my chances of being successful in life. I want to be the best person I can be. But unfortunately, I don't know how to convince people that I'm awesome. I always feel like I'm being conceited or something. Even now, while writing this, I wonder what you, the reader will think of me. "Look at her. She shouldn't care what people think. She should be her own person. Also, she should feed homeless puppies. Otherwise, she's a horrible person."

Anyways, I guess the point is...

How do I cope with this? As I said before, I'm scared of involving my family or a doctor because money is tight and we need to save money so I can go to college and not be a hobo. Is there anything I can do on my own, or should I just accept that I'm completely bonkers?

 

Oh god, its like reading my brain from 2 months ago...

Ok, first of all, you are not insane. If you are insane, then I am insane. If I am insane, then so is the rest of the whole damn world!
^See that? Confidence. Ability to include myself in a majority group.

I see the school counselor about my anxiety, but seeing as you don't go to school anymore, you don't have that advantage. Colleges should have one anyway though, right? I mean, with the stresses college brings (you got into your 'dream' one, so I assume there's a lot of pressure?) There has got to be some kind of psychologist there. My school counselor is free, so if your college has a counselor, it might not cost anything. That takes care of the cheap doctor thing.

Of course, if you don't want to see a doctor there are actually a lot of things you can do in social situations to help yourself out. Much like you I find it really hard to communicate with others and I am constantly paranoid about people's reactions to what people think of me. What you do is stay interested in the conversation. Usually there are little breaks in any conversation, that would be your cue to talk. Any subject they're talking about, you can give your two cents about it.

Eg-My friends yesterday were talking about the things their dogs do to annoy them.

Have a dog: "OMG my dog does that all the time. Like this one time when..."
Or: "My dog has never done that, but he HAS done...-funny story/joke of some sort"
Now, I don't have a dog, so I ask a general question "How old is your dog? What breed is it?"

etc etc

In social situations you have to be interested/pretend to be interested in whatever they're talking about. That way, you'll receive a positive response from them. You have to build this social-ness up slowly, and then soon, it will be your turn to start a topic and people will be interested...unless they're all total *****es in which case none of them are worth your time anyway.

Now with the school thing-I myself am in an Australian school, so I don't know how different American colleges are. Why don't you take up a part time job? One that isn't too strenuous and doesn't take a lot of time from your study, but pays you well enough so you can contribute to your college? They're hard to find, sure, but by the sounds of it you got into a good college with a few scholarships. That means an impressive resume which ALSO means it might be easier for you to get a job to take some of the stress away from your money troubles to do with school.

Also, this might sound a little stupid, but if you don't want to see a counselor, have you thought about hypnosis? I am not joking it works like a charm. Any 'Self Confidence Hypnosis' thing on youtube will work wonders with your confidence, trust me on that.

Ok, so thats my 2 cents. You are definitely not insane, you are just lacking in confidence. Chin up, you're putting too much pressure on yourself, and you can get through it with just a little more self confidence. I hope everything gets better PM/VM me if you need anything :)

 

No, you're not insane. A lot of people, and I say a lot, worry about those kind of stuff all the time, including myself. Right this time, I worry about you thinking something along the lines off "Why the hell did this Smiggles character post a comment without helping me?" If you don't worry about those things, you're either selfless, determined, or conceited. I think that you would have to tell your family about it. They are your family, and they will do everything to help you, if you don't want them to spend money on your situation, just convince them not to.

For coping, try relieving all your stress into something else. You will not become a hobo.

I hope I helped?

 

I might look into a school counselor once the year starts...

Eh, my issue with social situations is mostly with people I don't know very well. The better I know someone, the less likely I am to be anxious when interacting with them. Mostly I just fear doing or saying something that will upset them or that they might hurt me someday. I do have friends that I trust, but unfortunately, life involves talking to people you don't know. There's no way to avoid that.

As for hypnosis... That's probably not a good idea in my situation. My boyfriend has researched hypnosis as a hobby for several years, which in turn means that I know way too much about it. At the very least, I know enough to know it means entrusting my mind to a stranger, which I'm not okay with.

You helped by reassuring me that I'm not the only person who worries about this sort of thing. :)

As for telling my family... I might talk to my sister, but definitely not my parents. They're under enough stress right now as it is.

Right now, my main coping mechanisms are listening to music, talking and/or snuggling with my boyfriend, and just ignoring the issue until the consequences of not dealing with it become greater than the consequences of dealing with it. Unfortunately, not all of those are viable options at any given moment. For example, I obviously can't do any of those while in class discussing a stressful project.

And I know I won't become a hobo. But when I get into worry mode, my brain comes up with the worst case scenarios.