It's funny that I'm writing this, because I never thoguht that this would happen with my best friend and I. I've been friends with my best friend for at least three years now. Since three years, we've been through a lot of struggles. To sum it up, there's been a lot that went on through our whole friendship. It started off with me moving last year to Florida (August 2008). It was a change that him and I couldn't accept. As time went on I caught him lying to me because he felt I wouldn't be his friend or that I would be mad at him. I told him not to worry and be truthful, but of course it continued. He lied to me twice while I was in Florida and I felt like I couldn't trust him. He was afraid of losing me, so he always apologized and said he didn't want the friendship to end. I didn't want that to happen either, so I forgave him. Later as time went on, I found out that my best friend's orientation changed. He was now bisexual, but I didn't care because I don't judge people on their sexuality. He got caught up in these internet relationships, which were the lies that I was talking about. This kid online was manipulating my friend, so he would no longer talk to me. After months of that and being depressed that I couldn't see my friends, family and graduating class, I decided I had enough of just living in Florida with my mom and step-dad. I asked my sister if I could move back in with her and she told me yes, but fights were constant in my house, because my mom and sister didn't like each other. My mother didn't let me move back even though I was going through some sort of depression. After moths of fighting, I moved back to New York on June 2009. It was a year that I was in Florida. I just came back on time for senior year. While I was on my way back, I lied to my friend and told him that I would be back later and surprised him a week early while he was at work. He was really excited and I felt our friendship was back in control. At that time, he was still in that internet relationship. He had to chose between me and that internet relationship, because it was affecting a lot and he was feeling controlled by the other kid. It took him a couple of days to pick me, which pissed me off. After everything that kid did to him, it still took him long to chose his best friend. Once he picked me, Dan confessed to me that he's always liked me more than just a friend. I just felt like a lot happened. I felt so lost and confused, but I didn't care. I felt that someone actually loved me, so it didn't bother me. For months he told me he was waiting for me, but I didn't know if I wanted that sort of thing with my friend. He confused me by calling me these names because he loved me. I just felt so weird, but I just got use to it. Later in the summer, my friend was affected by a significant change in his life and since than he's acted different. His family was going through an impact and he was so lost, upset and confused. I was there for him all the way. I was always making sure that he was alright. But since late summer till now, I've felt like I'm not cared about anymore. He told me that he will always care for me, but he doesn't call me much. He seems to react better with other friends. A lot more goofing around is going on with his other friends in school. I just feel like I'm being left out and I tell him that, but he tells me that's it's not true. I keep mentioning it to him, but he wont accept it. He gets mad at me, because of the way I feel. Our whole friendship feels like it changed. His feelings that he had for me in that kind of love way was dying. I thought if he didn't like me that way anymore that he would start to lose interest in the friendship too. He also said that it's not true and some of those feelings are still there. He also told me that I'm too much involved with work, like my videos, websites and reporting on KHV. He said I need to act more like a kid too. So, here's an example. Today he knows that I'm upset with everything. His family is over. It's like his family always matters first. When I know someone I care about is in trouble, I make sure they are alright. Instead, he's making his family first and all I ask is for him to call me and he can't do that. I have to wait until later tonight. So, how should I react to that?
Mike, I'm really sorry about what you're going through. All of it, not just what's been going on with you and your friend. *sighs* What to do....I'm sorry to say that I've never had this happen to me (from an advice point of view, that is), because I really don't know what to say about this. Never had a friend go through those kind of changes and declare that. I could try and reassure you that this is going to be okay, just a phase, and so on, but I'd be betting more on the fact that you'd either sigh and walk away from this post or punch me in the face. I'm afraid all I can offer right now are observations and possibilities. Maybe that'll help you find a more plausible solution. First, your friend. It looks like he's still trying to figure things out, in more ways than one, obviously, but not just with you. What you described about how you felt, I'm assuming, was also affecting him. You guys were obviously pretty tight, and such a loss can really leave a large hole in a person's life. My guess is he was trying to fill it in quickly, hence his orientation change. As for the online friend, I can understand why it would take so long to decide: His best friend leaves, then comes back, and an online friend, who has been helping him with his grief and trying to get him to feel better? It would be a hard decision. You've already seen how much a year can change people. He probably saw some changes in you that he didn't care for, making it more difficult. I'm sorry to say that the only thing I can truly advise/say, is to give this time. This is more than a little delicate, and I don't think this will be solved in just a day. I'm sorry, I wish I could help more, assuming I did at all.
I'm one of the sorts who will drop everything if a friend is in need. Of course, I also don't have a really tight relationship with my family. But I respect that other people can't/don't want to do that for me, or even if they just don't interact with me much over a long period of time. It doesn't mean they don't care about me. I kind of feel like I can see myself on your friend's side of the fence; I tend to lose track of people sometimes, even with how hard I try to be there for everyone. I just get tired sometimes, or I need time to help myself for a change. I never stop caring for those people. Don't take it the wrong way if he has different priorities at present. That doesn't mean he doesn't care. People drift back and forth in their friendships. Sometimes the best of friends just don't talk to each other for a while, because each one has things to sort out. Sometimes only one of them has things to sort out. Try not to think of it in the short term, that is, what's happening right now; that just makes things more confusing. Like Darkcloud said, these things take time, but more importantly, they take diligence. If this guy means that much to you, keep being the same friend you've always been to him and he'll recognize that. And once you have his attention again, you should make sure he understands what he means to you, so he won't be mad at you for how you feel. You can't help that; he should be more respectful. Hope that helps.
