Ok, this is my childrnes book im working on. Tell me if its any good. I do take constructive critisim, but nothing like, 'it was the worst thing in the world, i hate it.' please, none of that. and if you dont like it, tell me how to make it better please. So, here is Chapter one of my in-the-making book, In the Midst. I stared into nothingness. Where was I? How did I get there? These questions tortured my brain. I looked down to see what I was standing on. Nothing. Just white. White, like everything else in the room. Then, out of nowhere, a dark, dark portal appeared. I knew I should stay away from it, but curiosity got the best of me. I began to walk slowly toward it. I stopped when I was only a few inches away. I peered into the portal, slightly hypnotized by the vast swirl of black, pink, and purple. I squinted my eyes harder, only to see figures appear. Two small girls, I concluded, about the age of three. They looked familiar, too familiar for my liking. “Where have I seen them before?†I asked aloud. I don’t know why, but I began to walk closer to the portal, closer to the girls… I placed one foot into the portal. I was going to go completely into the portal, and------------BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!! I jolted awake. It was a dream. Just a strange dream. It seemed so real… no! I shook the thought away. It couldn’t be real! Just then, my door began to creep open. “Hello?†I said. The door slammed shut again. Shortly after, I heard two little girls giggling behind the closed door. “Tina, Terra! I saw you! Get in here!†I said sounding annoyed. The door swung open. The two twins, Tina and Terra waltzed in. “You called?†they said in unison. They both had evil smiles on their evil little faces. I gave them a suspicious look. “What did you do?†I asked them. They looked slightly guilty. Their evil smile grew bigger as they said this: “Nothing really important…we just set your alarm to a later time…†I scowled at them. “How much later?†“Not much…†said Tina. “Just an hour.†finished Terra. “AN HOUR?†I bellowed. Just then, Tina and Terra (aka, TNT) began to laugh, uncontrollably. I scrambled out of bed and began to get ready. “You are just…UGH! Why don’t you pick on each other? Why me? WHY ME?†I screamed. TNT giggled. “Because, we are twins! We don’t pick on each other. We pick on you!†They walked off laughing. I could feel the scowl growing deeper into my face. “Why you little—†“Nicole!! Why aren’t you dressed?†I looked up to see my mother standing in the doorway. “Well…I…They…ASK THEM!†I pointed to TNT. “Who, us?†They said in unison, looking innocent. My mom looked at them. “I’ll deal with you guys later.†She looked at me. “Get dressed. You’re taking the twins to school. I have a big meeting.†She turned on her heel, kissed TNT and told me bye, then left. “You hear that? I’m in charge. Get ready, ok? Don’t bother me anymore.†I got ready, walked the twins to school, and then, ran all the way to school. There, my best friend, Kiera, was there to greet me. “Your late.†She said with a smirk. “What happened to hello?†I said. She looked at me for a second, rolled her eyes and said “Ok, what ever…hi…†“Hi.†I said. She pointed to me. “Hi or not, your still late. Come on!†She grabbed the back of my backpack and pulled me along to my locker. “I am not late!†I told her. This was true; there were other people in the hall. “I know that! You later than normal! That’s still late.†She said in a mater-of-fact voice. I rolled my eyes and opened my locker, threw my backpack in and went to class. The following afternoon, after school, I met up with Kiera. “You’ll never believe what TNT did today.†I told her. “Hit me.†She said, folding her coffee-with-cream colored arms. “Ok so well, they came in my room sometime, I guess, last night and set my alarm clock an hour late! Then they acted like angles when my mom came in.†The whole time, she just nodded and listened. Kiera is a good listener. “Is that it?†she questioned. “Well…yeah…†“That’s something I would believe.†“Yeah, I was just so mad!†“I would be too. Why don’t you get them back?†I cocked my head, “Get them back? How so?“You know… revenge!†She stuck her fists in the air. “Well…I don’t know…they are evil but…remember, when you fight fire with fire, you get burned.†“Yeah…true, but, before you get burned, it’s fun right?†“You watch too many cartoons!†I told her. We laughed.
cool! here's chapter 2! _____________________________________________________________________________________ It was a hard night. All night I tossed and turned. That wasn’t what worried me; I probably did that all the time. It was the dream. I had the same dream as last night, but it went on, longer. This time, I fully immersed myself in the dark portal. Then black. Just black. Then, a new scene came into picture, without me. Two men, tall and dark, were planning something. One was smoking a cigar and pointing to something on a map. “How long will this take?†Smith said. “Not too long, if the plan works out right.†Harper replied. “ ‘If the plan works out right.’ †repeated Smith. “But what if it doesn’t, Harp? What then?†“Think positive, Smith, think positive.†Harper mumbled. “Think positive? Is that what you want me to do? Oh if I had only known that earlier!†Smith said sarcastically. “You don’t have to be sarcastic about it.†Harper replied, puffing on his cigar. “Just trying to help…†he mumbled. “Sorry, harp, I’m just so worried!†“About what?†“The---†The scene faded out again. Darkness again, but only for a few moments. Then, there I was again, speeding down the portal, swirls of pink, purple, and black raced past me. Near the end, from a fall that seemed like hours, I saw a faint light. It grew bigger and bigger until I was so close, the light burned my eyes. A light so bright surrounded me, I couldn’t see. Just then…BEEP BEEP BEEP! I sat straight up. My hands were cold and clammy, and I was covered in perspiration. My mom walked in. “Oh, Nicole! You look sick! Do you need to stay home, honey?†She said, walking to the side of my bed, and placing her hand on my forehead. “Yeah Mom… I’m fine… I just…had a strange dream…†I told her. I felt dizzy, but the one thing I wanted to do was get out of the house. “Well, ok if you say so…†She left to go wake up TNT. When I got to school, Kiera wasn’t there to greet me. In fact, she wasn’t there at all! After school, I called her house. Her mom picked up. “Hello?†Her mom said in a cheery voice. “Hi Mrs. Kim?†“Oh hello, dear! Kiera is home si darlin’.†“Oh, ok… thanks…bye…†I hung up the phone. That’s weird…I thought. She’s never sick… must be something bad!
hey thanks, there's more. CHPATER 3 ^.^ I had a dreamless sleep. I woke up thinking I hadn’t slept at all! My alarm hadn’t gone off, but when I looked at the clock, I’m glad it hadn’t. It was 2:00a.m.! I sighed and went back to bed. This time, I had a dream. “Is that all?†Harper laughed. “Smith, that is nothing to be worried about! Why…†A sound from behind made the men turn around. “What was that?†Smith said quickly. “If I knew that, I would tell you, Smith.†Harper said with a sigh. “Sorry….†“I think we have a spy in our midst. Look around Smith.†Harper told Smith. “Right-to!†Smith said saluting. “Uh…what should I look for…?†“Anything spy-like.†Harper replied. After a while’s search, they found nothing. The scene faded out. When I could see, I noticed I was in the same room. Then an idea flashed through my head. Those guys were looking for me! I made the sound and now they think I’m spying! Maybe I am…I thought. The men turned around. “Hey you!†Bellowed the one with the cigar. I spun around and began to run. The men ran after me. I was sprinting across the room dodging obstacles left and right. I was running so fast, I didn’t see the brick wall in front of me. WHACK! I ran into the wall with great force. Pain shot up my body and to my brain. Just then, I woke up. I noticed the ‘wall’ I had run into was nothing but the floor... and my dresser. I reached to the back of my head and felt a goose egg. “Oh great!†I said. I looked at the clock. 6:00 a.m. Thirty minutes before I usually get up. I might as well get ready. I thought. I got up and got ready for school. I was just finishing up when my alarm started going off. “Yeah, yeah, I hear ya…†I told it. I flipped the switch. The beeping continued. “You stupid thing! Turn off!†I hollered at it. The continuous beeping gave me a headache. I unplugged it and the beeping continued. Only then did I realize it was TNT’s alarm beeping. “Nicky? What were you yelling about?†Mom called up the stairs. “ Nothing, I’m just a little slow this morning mom….†I answered. “Ok, I’m going to work early again, today, hon. Can you take care of Tina and Terra?†She inquired. “ Don’t I always? Yeah, I’ll take care of ’em.†I replied. “Bye. Tell them I said tootles!†She told me and walked out the door. Right when I heard it slam I went to TNT’s room. “Alright girls, get up and dressed. Mom left early… again...and left me in charge… again. You know the rules, lets go! Oh, and, mom said tootles. †It was a typical morning in the Johnson house. I spotted Kiera in the hallway, so when I ran up to meet her. “Kiera! Kiera! Where were you yesterday?†I said breathlessly. “Home sick, didn’t my mom tell you?†She said. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes had bags under them. “Yeah but… you’re hardly ever sick. Girl, it must have been bad because you look like you just ran a mile!†I said, trying to make her laugh. She smiled and began mindlessly looking through her locker. “Whatcha lookin’ for?†I asked her. “Uh…nothing…†She told me. She immediately stopped looking and slammed the locker shut. “Ya know, I’ve been having the weirdest dreams lately!†“Oh, really? Huh…†“What?†“It’s just, I’ve been having strange dreams, too. I’m always running from something. Maybe they are just nightmares, but I don’t think so. They have a meaning, like soon, we will all be running from something.†She nodded. “Tonight, I hope I have a different dream, just to prove myself wrong!†With that, she looked relieved, like she had been holding that back for a while. I agreed with her, and we went to class. That night, I had a continuation of the dream the night before. “Hey, you! What are you doing here?!†Harper bellowed. “Who are you?†“A spy! Harp, this is a spy! She was sent to steal our plans! Get her!†They both scrambled up to get her. Just then, the girl ran into a wall! “Oh, gosh! That had to hurt!†Smith said. “Who cares? Easy catch. Get her.†Harper said. Smith obediently picked her up and lay her down on the table. Harper proceeded to strap her down. “There.†He said when he was finished. “Now, let’s wait until she comes to.†He sat in his chair. The scene faded out and a new one came. I moaned quietly. My head was throbbing, sending jolts of pain through my body in the process. “Hey she’s awake!†A man in a long coat exclaimed. A man with a cigar woke up with a grunt. “What was that?†“She’s awake!†The man in the coat said. “W-who are y-you?†I sputtered. “Smith. This is Harper,†he said pointing to the now awake man with the cigar. “SMITH!†he roared. “Don’t tell her everything! Remember, she’s a spy!†“What? NO! I-I’m not. Promise! R-really! Honest truly.†I told them quickly. “I believe you, kid,†the one that appeared to be Smith said. “Well, I don’t. Prove it.†Harper spat, lighting a new cigar. “Uh…†I thought quickly. “My name is Nicole Johnson…uh…I live in Katy, Texas and I have 2 sisters. I also have a mom and a dad who is on a trip to Brazil.†Smith smiled. “Now that’s proof!†“I suppose,†Harper said, puffing his new cigar. “Your name’s Nicole, did you say?†“Yes sir.†“You live in Katy, did you say?†“Yes sir.†He turned to Smith. “This is no spy we’re dealing with here, Smith. This is just an innocent girl, the question is---†“Uh…Sir?†“Yes, Nicole? And call me Harp.†“Ok…Harp… Where am I?†“Why, you’re in Austin, Texas, Nicole!†“Oh… Wait, this is just a dream, so I’m not really in Austin, I just think I am!†I said triumphantly. The two men just looked at each other. “Dream? Oh, no honey, this is the real thing. You are here and we have you strapped to a table. How did you happen to stumble upon our abode, Nicole?†he asked me. “I…I’m not really sure, Harp. Hey! Has a girl named Kiera come here?†“Oh yes, a while ago. She’s over there.†He said, nodding his head. “She just popped up like you, and we put her to work. For some reason, she also said we were a dream. She has now figured out we aren’t. She’s working for us, now. We gave her a choice and she wanted to stay. She said you’d show up, so you can go see her.†With one swift move, he had me untied. I jumped up and ran over to Kiera. She looked up and leaned on the mop she was using. “So, you made it, too?†she asked, looking me in the eyes. “Yep…onldid I get here?†“Don’t know. Had somethin’ to do with the dreams. I’m sure of it. I told you we would soon all be running from something,†she told me. “Yeah, but what are we running from, him?†I said nodding me head to Smith, who was trying to show Harper a trick. Kiera looked. “What in the world is he doing?†“Um, I think he is trying to stand on his head.†I told her, trying to make her laugh. She giggled, but that was all. “Well, if you grab a mop, you can help clean up.†She told me, throwing a mop at me. I caught it and began mopping. “Nicole, Kiera, come here! Look at this!†Harper yelled.
It isn't but you find out that in chapter 4. here it is, oh and im glad you like it lol! ^.^ ______________________________________________________________________________ “What is it, Harp?†Kiera asked him. “Don’t know, but it looks big.†He replied looking at the radar. “Uh, Harp?†“Yeah, Nicole?†he said not even looking up. “What exactly are you, uh…we?†I asked. “We are a secret service for the FBI. We are on a mission to find a rogue agent.†He replied. “Smith, you think this is him?†“Could be…it seems to be a bit to big to be one guy though, Harp. Dontcha think?†Smith said looking away in deep thought. “He couldn’t have gotten that many people… it’s way too big. No, it isn’t him, I’m sure.†He concluded. The green radar beeped and showed another green spec emerging. I looked to see if anyone had noticed, but at that point they had lost interest in the green blob. “You guys! Another spec…could it be him?†I said excitedly. They quickly rushed over. “That’s him!†Harper said jabbing a dirty finger at the moving spec. “We have our lead. Girls, stay here. We’ll be back.†“What?†Kiera and I shrieked in unison. “Well, it is too dangerous for two middle school girls to do! This is a major wanted rogue agent and it is simply just too dangerous.†“Danger? I laugh in the face of danger! Ha ha ha ha!†I said reciting my favorite line from The Lion King. Only Kiera got it. She let out a small laugh. “What? Oh, whatever. You can come, but if you get killed or seriously injured, don’t blame me. Blame your little arrogant selves. Lets go!†Harper said moving towards to door. I smiled at Kiera and she gave me a thumbs up. I could always persuade people do to things
I'd like to tell you that your story although intriguing lacks continuity. There are many details that are either changed or outright omitted from the plot. A minor example is how you constantly changed the portals color from pure soul crushing black to black with flecks or blobs of swirling color, pick one or explain the difference. A larger explanatory error would be that they are supposedly in a secret base owned by the federal government, I know many would believe that such bumbling incompetence is common I think it would be best to portray it otherwise. Specifically the way that the girls were so easily accepted into the fold without any real proof of identity or even favorable evidence. Also, they ignored the fact that people were popping out of nowhere, literally nowhere and simply giving it the big thumbs up. It's interesting but lacks a logical flow in places, work on it a bit and I'll give you a cookie.
