I'm lost. Scared. I don't know what to do...

I posted this in the Staff Section of another forum. I didn't know why I've done that, but now I think that I just wanted to know what to do... Well... I'm lost. Confused. Scared.
Honestly. I don't know what to say, what to do. I am just TOTALLY LOST.
====================================================================================

Spoiler

- Big Note: There is something wrong there. Anyway. My head is still a mess, there are two 2010... Well, I tried to tell everything in a chronological way. So don't mind the two 2010.

• All I want is to vent, there are somethings inside me and I just want to scream. Take everything out. Everything, since the beginning. At any rate, after that, this will be more likely deleted. It's just... I've been holding this inside me for months, maybe years.
  Most things I'm going to tell here are from school and personal life. I've been hesitating to post this since the ending of last year on KH-Vids, but...
  
  Since the Beginning of Everything...
  I've always felt like I wasn't part of any group. That I was alone. For example, everyone was talking about computer and stuff, and I didn't have a computer to talk with them. All of them have a cellphone in their hands going there and here, while I didn't have a cellphone. Everyone has a video-game, MP4 or those things, and I didn't. Even within my family. My brother has Mega Drive, Nintendo and GameBoy; when I was born, he got a PlayStation. Every Sunday he and my Grandmother always went to the shopping (or something like that) and she bought him a new game. Since I was too young, I couldn't leave home very often.
  While everyone from school had Computer, Video-games, MP4 and etc., my parents and my brother didn't let me play or have.
  Something which I believe is normal, is to children ask their parents/aunts/uncles/older brothers/grandparents/etc what do they want for Christmas or Birthday. I still remember, when I was very very very young (I should have 3 or 4 years), and my aunt asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told her I wanted that toy we saw in the shopping the other day. Later that day, my mother was angry with me because things like that are expensive and Santa Claus or anyone have the money to bring that to me. At any way, I got the toy I wanted that year. But it was the first and last time I told someone what I wanted as present, because people need to save money and doesn't have time/money just to buy the present I want. Living seeing my brother having all those things and anyone letting me play with they was something kind of hard for me. I was a kid, of course I wanted to play. But I was always an obedient kid, but also a lonely one.
  Until today, I see people talking something like "I'm going to my grandmother's home today, so I won't be able to blah", "My uncle is going to take me to that place", etc.; but I am not that close to my family. I have a lot of uncles and aunts, and even more cousins, both my grandmothers have passed away in 2004 and I have never met my grandfathers, but all of them are older than me. With exceptions of my cousins's children, they have more or less my age or two years younger, but still some of them are older. This + see Kingdom Hearts made me believe that my friends would be the only people I could talk about anything. And indeed, until today my friends are the only ones I can actually talk with, be who I really am.
  
  2009
• Myself
  I was 11. That year I started to frequent school at morning time, from 6:00 AM to 1:00 PM. I didn't have many friends, but I'd like to name three. Trulyyy, Lexibrag and Gu, since I've met them (2004) they have been my best friends, I knew I could count with them for anything.
  By the time (2009), my brother already bought Kingdom Hearts, which I believe was something very important to me. I started to believe that Friendship is the most important thing in the world and, honestly, it still is what I hold most dearly in the world. I found out what was really important to me. But...
• -January to June
  This year, another boy started to frequent the same school as I. I never considered to have any other bests friends besides Trulyyy, Lexibrag and Gu, but that boy was someone very important to me as well. Well, at the beginning of the year I didn't like him, actually, I found that he was pretty annoying. But later that year, in June, we started to talk because of Trulyyy. Surprisely, we've become a lot closer.
• -July
  I was getting really bored. As always, July is when we take a break from school. Nothing to do, I didn't have anything or anyone to talk to. I started to feel lonely. My grades were always 8-10, so I didn't need to focus on them on vacations. But I've started to want to have fun with my friends, "nobody but them would understand me anyway" was something which was always in my head.
  This was starting to get off limits, they are very important to me, was almost like the only thing that mattered.
• - August to December
  Everything was alright. As always, I did great on the grades. But, the boy I mentioned before needed to move to another city. I was sad. He made it to my best friends list, this is something so hard...
  
  In December, I believe it was when everything started.
  I started to ask myself: "Why am I always like that?". I really did care about me friends, so much. "Because I don't want to be alone again...?" was the only answer I could find at the moment.
  
  2010
• Myself
  Turning 12 in 2010. I was wondering why do I feel like that. I felt like there was something... wrong. Missing. Something was not right about myself.
• - January to June
  I found out that Lexibrag's favorite game was the same as mine: Kingdom Hearts. We got a lot closer, more than we were.
  There was this guy. Let's call him John (it is not his name, but is almost that). When we were young, he was one of those kids who bullied others; one of the kids he bullied was me. He was pretty annoying back there, but while the time was passing, he turned mature and a good person. And I've realized that this year (2010), when we become close friends.
• - July to November
  Again, in July, I was bored just like the last July's break.
  Back in August (and until December), me and John became really good friends. Again, someone made it, to my best friends's list.
  But guess what. He also needed to move.
• - December
  Thinking of all the things that was happening, I've realized something. All this time I've admired Trulyyy, Lexibrag and Gu. They were examples for me. I wanted to follow them.
  "...but why?". "Because I admire them...", "............"
  My head was a disaster. I wanted to find an answer and couldn't.
  
  2010
• Myself
  Time flies. I was 12 years old. I've been trying to follow my best friends's step.
• - January to June
  I've realized I have a lot of friends.... but...
• - July to December
  "Who am I?"
  It was the hardest question. I couldn't find an answer for it. I've been trying to follow my best friends's steps, but I started to feel like I wanted to be them.
  I started to feel lonely again. All of them (Trulyyy, Lexibrag and Gu) have more friends. They know what to say, they know what to think, they know how to keep going forward. I also wanted to be like that.
  
  2011
• Myself
  Almost in the present time. I was 13 this year.
  Still thinking... "Who am I?". I was trying to follow my best friends's steps, but it was getting out off limits:
• - January to June
  "I want to follow their steps"
  "Trulyyy is funny". "Lexibrag is handsome". "Gu is smart". "Trulyyy is funnier than me". "Lexibrag is more handsome than me". "Gu is more intelligent than me". They are funny, handsome, intelligent, cool, are good friends, know what to do, know how to do, can be themselves, everything I am not.[/quote]
  That's it. I've realized, all this time I've been admiring them, but I was also jealous of them.
• - July to December
  Such a awful person I am. Jealous of my bests friends, wanting to be in their places.
  
  
  2012
• Myself
  Present time. I am 14 years old.
  "What do I know?", "Is there something I'm good at?", "What's left?", "What am I, but jealous from things I am not?", "What am I but a shadow?"
  Who the hell am I anyways!?
  
  My head was a mess. It still is until now.
• - January to February
  Worsts months ever.
  I remember. In the last two weeks of January, I've been through the worsts weeks of my life. all the questions were ringing in my head.
  
  Spoiler: thoughts
  Spoiler: ...

  Who the hell am I anyways​
  
  I still don't know. I just know that I might not be happy with myself. With who am I, whatever the f***ing hell I am. I'm not just confused, but angry. I've been hesitating to post this since January.
• - March to June
  My grades have been going down this year, and I believe it's because of my low self-esteem.
  I've been talking with my best friends about this. But I didn't tell them about those questions on the spoilers tags. I haven't got the courage to tell them.
  I was getting better. I tried to forget.
  After all. Friends are still one of the most things in the world for me. So I shouldn't stay like that.
  
  NOTES:
  - If you're wondering, my first time playing was Final Fantasy VIII when I was about 7 years.
  - Got my cellphone in 2010.
  - Still have some problems with parents.
  
  [*]- Now
  I've been trying to just erase this.
  "I am a Protector, my job is to protect the things that matter to me". This is what I am used to say to myself. But I feel like everything is just an excuse.

*Sigh*
I am sorry for this, guys. If any Administrator feels like take me off the Staff it's okay. But I just wanted to vent this here, no random IPs can see this. I feel like I can -more or less- die in peace now.

I'm still trying to find the answer... well, answers. There are things I haven't write here... I feel like they are way too personal, and should just let untold for now.
But the truth is: I'm so confused with everything. I just know that I needed to vent.

Again, I'm sorry. Feel free to lock/delete/explode this, but do not move it to anywhere else... If I ever need more help, I'd post on KHV.
Cheers.

================================================================================================================
And things to add now.
I try to feel like I'm part of something... "Making part of something special, makes us special, right?". I've been trying to make part of what I would like to be. But I just feel like I don't belong to anywhere else. Well, ALL the groups or whatever I wanted to join, my parents just don't allow me to approach those friends and actually be part of them.
What do I mean?
For example, I am doing Chrism this year. On July, I have a break from school, so the Chrism opened the "Vacation Project". We go out together and have fun. We go to an amusement park, watch movie, watch theaters, picnic and those things. This Project is directly prepared for us, Confirmation candidates (people who are on the Chrism). Many many many days with fun, all of them wasted because my parents didn't let me go to any. That youth group, I AM part of it, regardless what my parents says, I am. I've been enjoying them since I've met them, on March. But we are a huge group (16 persons), all aged 13-26 years. The +18 take care of the -18. All the Confirmation Candidates are aged 13-15 years. I've been feeling like I'm part of this, but my parents said that all the times they go out, all of them are for the older persons. That's not true: the Confirmation Candidates are always going as well. All the 13-15 people, all of them are going but me, because my parents said those things are for the older ones. But the Vacation Project is prepared for us...
Something what makes me really sad/mad was when my parents said, while I was asking if I could go: "No, you are not part of this".
Another example, I am part of a Cultural Space where we can do many activities. Theater, Radio, Circus, Music, Chorus... many many things. But only people aged 11-19 years can participate. I am 14. Sometimes, they call me to go out or we keep chatting on the Cultural Space, but my parents don't like this. They're always telling me this are for the older ones. Even the 11 years old go out and are always talking with the people from there. And all of them are simply amazing. They are funny, they do care about others, they have so many stories to share.... there is completely nothing wrong with them.
I would like to be part of this. But I can't, parents don't allow this. They said those conversations and "go outs"are for the older ones.
On this Friday, to celebrate the ending of the Vacations full of activities, they, from the Cultural Space, are inviting everyone of us to make part of a meeting to play together and read some interesting texts, which are really related with us (teenagers). "This is not for you. Forget it." was what my dad said to me today.
If they find out I am part of the Staff of two forums, did create a new facebook without them just to post what I want, always talk with people I don't know personalty... They would just cut everything off. I wouldn't be able to get on my laptop forever.

I am sooooooooooooooo confused. I don't know what to do.
All of those problems make me feel like I don't really belong to anywhere. And, what do I do? What do I can do?.... Who Am I?

I want to find the answers... What to do?

============================================================= Le le le le le ~
Check my next post on this page. Also posting it here:

First off, I want to thank each and everyone who has replied to this thread. Thank you. A lot of your comments have helped me...
Well. Things just seem to be getting worse every time I look around. I need to say more things that I've been getting through...

There is this person. Let's call him Victor. He has been studying on my school for ages. I believe he started to frequent the same school as I when I met Trulyyy. Let's see what I can tell about him... He is a very manipulable person. If you tell him to do that, he will do. I believe he does this to get friends.

How do I know this?

When he was walking with some other people, he literally imitate them. It has been like this since I've met him. When he was walking with Person#1 and Person#1 likes Pop, he always listened to Pop and exactly the same musics the Person#1 listen to. When he was walking with Person#2 and Person#2 says he likes Funk but hate Pops, Victor says he likes Funk and hate Pop (even knowing he said he loves Pop when stick with Person#1).
This is some kind of annoying. I feel sorry for him though.

This year, me and Trulyyy are studying in different rooms. Victor is in Trulyyy's room. In the second week of school Victor and Trulyyy team up on some kind of school work. That was when everything started. Victor started to imitate Trulyyy.

It was when I found out how annoying it is.

He copies everything Trulyyy does. His clothes, his musics, his talk, his dreams, his laugh. And it is in the exactly moment. If Trulyyy is sitting, Victor is sitting, when Trulyyy gets up, Victor automatically gets up. If Trulyyy is sitting that way, Victor is sitting that exactly same way as Trulyyy.
Wtf does that guy have in his head. It is annoying me as hell, but Trulyyy seems to don't care.

Well. There is something special about Trulyyy and me. Since we've met, we can tell what each of us are thinking. I believe this happens because me and him are really close, so we are more connected than most people are. I can tell exactly what he is thinking, while he can also tell what I am exactly thinking. Yes, we sort of read each other's mind. Doubt it if you wish, it's true.

Spoiler

Do you remember a phrase Sora says on the new game Dream Drop Distance?
"I have a friend who can see right through my heart!"
That's how me and Trulyyy are. You can think as Sora and Riku = Excasr and Trulyyy.

Thinking about that, I can see that Trulyyy needs help. I can look right through his heart and say: There is something wrong with him and he knows it, but also wants to hide from me, but he also knows he can't do it, not with me. Well. I won't say what's Trulyyy's problem, so this might just look confusing, but I need to literally get rid of Victor from our life. Now. Man, I hate that guy. He is imitating my best friend, nobody can do that, this is just getting me pissed off.

Moving to the other side again: Myself.
Victor is imitating others. One of his foes is Trulyyy. But... am I not the same thing?

I've been pissed off with Victor, that's why the choice of words. But, and if he is doing that because he don't want to be alone, because he want someone to be like him?
He'd be something like me. Lost. Confused. Just following what he thinks it's left. Well, honestly, I don't give a damn about this, but the thought of he, something I hate, be like me is just getting me more confused. Hidden truths from me, Trulyyy and Victor.

DAAAAAMMMIIIIIITTTTT
This is just so confusing.

Also,
Today was the day where we celebrate birthdays from July and August. Trulyyy's birthday is on July. I wanted to stay to celebrate with everyone, but parents didn't let me do so because it is from 5 PM until 7 PM and my dad didn't want to come to get me home. Now, two days ago, it was 11 AM and my brother called to my father asking if he could get him home from somewhere far away he was. My brother is 20, he can take a bus to home. My father was about to go to sleep, but he took the car and decided to get my brother home.
Why not with me? Where I wanted to be is not so far away as where my brother was, it is not as late as 11 PM (it is 7 PM), and I can take the bus just like everyday to go back home (yes, I always take the bus by myself, alone). Normally I take the bus 5 PM and get home 6:15 PM. What is the problem with taking me home from there or let me use the bus to get home? Why can my father take my brother home from the hell but can't take me home?

Victor's issue, parent's issue. Everything is just making me feel like I'm alone. I do feel like I was getting alone, and alone, and alone... by now, I feel like I can vanish and nobody would miss me. I've been hitting my head in the wall and pounding myself because I am confused and angry. It's a bit too radical, but I feel like there are some more steps to start to cut and suicide. If living means to have so many problems with so many things (almost everything), so what's the point to suffer? What would be the point of living?

I'm just too angry with myself. Why couldn't I be some normal person, or like Trulyyy or Lexibrag or Gu? Why do I feel like that, and what to do? Who the hell am I, anyways, what can I do? This is just so confusing and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH. I just can't think of anything else anymore.

Today isn't my day. Maybe if I go to sleep everything would be just one more nightmare...
KH-Vids... what now?

 

Wow...that's a pretty long read. But anyways, I'll try to post something that might help.

It's okay to wonder where you fit in. You are still really young and growing. As you begin to develop and grow, most of these questions begin to take less importance because by then you'll probably already have your answer without explicitly looking for it. You are you. And that's okay. It'll take time, yes. But before you know it, you'll finally understand what being 'you' entails.

Maybe you don't see that right now, but the best you can do is roll with the punches. I can assure you, everything will be okay and you'll be an amazing person on your own right.

As for your parents...from what you say they seem to be on the tad overprotective side. Does the youth group have an adult that you could explain the situation to? Maybe that person can talk to them about the activities and assure them that it is okay for you to partake. If your school has a counselor, you could try that too.

The idea is to get an adult that will listen to you and will help you bridge the gap between you and your parents. But if not, you can always try and talk to your parents by yourself. I feel this may be a bit harder, but it's still a possibility.

 

I don't think what you have for our friends is jealousy, really. Honestly I think you're seeing their traits and not wishing you had them instead...but wishing you had a trait of your own...But what's important to remember is that even if ou don't see it now...You are you, you have different qualities to everyone else. "Fitting in" doesn't mean having a phone like everyone else or having the newest games...And just because you have few friends now because you're not doing the whole "monkey see monkey do" that many people these days try..And as ou grow older you'll find people are more attracted to the individual people who aren't just like everyone else...I understand that you have a lot of questions about self identity...But it's completely normal, it's important to hang in there and remember that no matter what, your heart will always have the answers you need :) I hope this helped~

 

Well, first of all, why did you hesitate for so long? If you need something to get off your chest then it's good to talk about it and vent as soon as possible.

-----"I've always felt like I wasn't part of any group. That I was alone."-----

I feel you here man. I have always felt this way too, and even have had it proved because I cannot hang out with groups of people, and therefore alienated from them. I hope you understand it, but not everyone belongs. Like me, for example.

-----"All of them have a cellphone in their hands going there and here, while I didn't have a cellphone."-----

I didn't have a cellphone for a while. The only reason I got one was because we were moving to a bigger city, which I started high school in. So I didn't have a cell phone til I was around fourteen or fifteen. As you can imagine, I felt very deprived of having communication between my "friends" before I got it. I call them "friends" because they are no longer my friends.*

-----" Everyone has a video-game, MP4 or those things, and I didn't. "-----

Though I cannot relate too much to this, I didn't have an MP3 or an Ipod or any fancy music device for a long time, only my CD player that I still have today. Hell, I still don't have too fancy of a music device as of this day (I'm 17 by the way), all I have is an Ipod nano that doesn't hold a whole lot of songs, and lacks internet or even apps to play on.

----- "My brother has Mega Drive, Nintendo and GameBoy; when I was born, he got a PlayStation. Every Sunday he and my Grandmother always went to the shopping (or something like that) and she bought him a new game."-----

My brother always gets what he wants too, even frequent $60 Xbox games. When he wants to go to the movies father makes me take him and I have to waste my parents' and my money at the stupid theater. He asks for expensive things all the time and I try not to ask for much, but guess who gets yelled at frequently. Me. It's probably because he's 13 and spoiled that he can get away with anything... I digress. But you get what I'm saying right?

-----"I still remember, when I was very very very young (I should have 3 or 4 years), and my aunt asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told her I wanted that toy we saw in the shopping the other day. Later that day, my mother was angry with me because things like that are expensive and Santa Claus or anyone have the money to bring that to me." -----

It was wrong for your mother to yell at you for you were just a child and didn't know any better.*

-----"Until today, I see people talking something like "I'm going to my grandmother's home today, so I won't be able to blah", "My uncle is going to take me to that place", etc.; but I am not that close to my family. "-----

Alas, I am not very close with my family either. But when I do go do something with them it's usually forced upon me.
I also send my condolences to your grandmothers' passings.

-----"But, the boy I mentioned before needed to move to another city. I was sad. He made it to my best friends list, this is something so hard..."-----

It is really hard to lose a friend. I lost one not too long ago and I had considered him my bestest friend. I don't even know what happened he just stopped talking to me. I should've seen it coming though, he seemed like he was done with me this past school year. He would ignore me and try to get rid of me to go and talk to other people, and like an idiot I followed him around like a lost puppy. Why? I felt like I had no one else to go to. I still get really sad and teary to this day just thinking about him and all of it. Plus, lost plenty of friends over the years. Pretty much only have my girlfriend and maybe one or two buddies but that's it. I don't really even talk to the other two. So yes, I know what it's like to lose a special friend al be lonely.*

-----"In December, I believe it was when everything started.
I started to ask myself: "Why am I always like that?". I really did care about me friends, so much. "Because I don't want to be alone again...?" was the only answer I could find at the moment."-----

No one wants to be alone, it's a natural thing.

-----"It was the hardest question. I couldn't find an answer for it. I've been trying to follow my best friends's steps, but I started to feel like I wanted to be them.
I started to feel lonely again. All of them (Trulyyy, Lexibrag and Gu) have more friends. They know what to say, they know what to think, they know how to keep going forward. I also wanted to be like that.
"I want to follow their steps"
"Trulyyy is funny". "Lexibrag is handsome". "Gu is smart". "Trulyyy is funnier than me". "Lexibrag is more handsome than me". "Gu is more intelligent than me". They are funny, handsome, intelligent, cool, are good friends, know what to do, know how to do, can be themselves, everything I am not."
That's it. I've realized, all this time I've been admiring them, but I was also jealous of them.
- July to December
Such a awful person I am. Jealous of my bests friends, wanting to be in their places."-----

I have also caught myself being jealous of "friends". Due to my shyness, low self-esteem, depression, and all that mixed up jazz I do not approach people or try to make nice with the other kids. If I feel uber lonely I sulk in a corner and keep it all to mysel, unlike a "normal person" who would go talk to their friends about it. I...just don't want to bother anyone with my problems you know?*

I had a friend once, two actually, that were tall and skinny and attractive. I went about my ways with them being all cool and whatever, but over time I noticed something that changed my view of these two and made me furious and jealous. I am a normalish built person, don't have a lot of muscles and don't have a lot of fat, but I do have a little meat on me. I noticed, though, that everyone paid more attention to them because they were skinnier and better looking. Huzzah, the mystery is solved. That is when the slight eating disorder came up, around eighth grade, when I started eating a lot less in order to be skinner and hopefully be noticed a little more. It is awful to know youre the "ugly" friend that no one talks to.*

One of the friends I lost: I dropped in for a surprise visit, he was at work so I had to wait a little bit for him to come home. When he came in and saw me he was all "oh my god this is so surreal!" Seemed happy to meet me right? For about ten minutes. Then he asked to go to his girlfriend's house. Shows how much I meant to him. Defriended.

Other friend: Distance keeps us apart so I don't really ever see him.*

-----"What am I but a shadow?"-----

Hits me right in the feels because I feel the same way too.

-----"I am sorry for this, guys. If any Administrator feels like take me off the Staff it's okay."-----

No one is going to take you off of the staff for venting you silly goose :)


-----"I'm still trying to find the answer... well, answers. There are things I haven't write here... I feel like they are way too personal, and should just let untold for now.
But the truth is: I'm so confused with everything. I just know that I needed to vent."-----

Well, like I said I'm always here if you need to talk.

-----"I try to feel like I'm part of something... "Making part of something special, makes us special, right?". I've been trying to make part of what I would like to be. But I just feel like I don't belong to anywhere else. Well, ALL the groups or whatever I wanted to join, my parents just don't allow me to approach those friends and actually be part of them."-----

My parents are over touchy about me meeting people too. They are always all "it's good to have*a ton of friends" and all that crap, but I constantly get the "you meet just one person and they mess up the rest of their life" spill. I feel like I can't even be myself around them because of how they are. For example, we were walking around in the old part of town and a girl with a clipboard says to us something like "would you like to sign to support gay rights?" Naturally I lit up, being the gay that I am, but the girl and I were quickly shot down by a "no thanks" from father. I would have signed if they weren't there, they just make me uncomfortable.*

Parents deprive us of things we love/would like to do, it's natural. I don't know what it's all about, perhaps fear ofus leaving the nest or whatever. But it's a lot of BS.

I hope I helped at least a little and didn't bore you with my stories. Sorry for any misspellings or grammar errors or confusion it's two in the morning here.

P.S. Sorry this post was long overdue.

 

First off, I want to thank each and everyone who has replied to this thread. Thank you. A lot of your comments have helped me...
Well. Things just seem to be getting worse every time I look around. I need to say more things that I've been getting through...

There is this person. Let's call him Victor. He has been studying on my school for ages. I believe he started to frequent the same school as I when I met Trulyyy. Let's see what I can tell about him... He is a very manipulable person. If you tell him to do that, he will do. I believe he does this to get friends.

How do I know this?

When he was walking with some other people, he literally imitate them. It has been like this since I've met him. When he was walking with Person#1 and Person#1 likes Pop, he always listened to Pop and exactly the same musics the Person#1 listen to. When he was walking with Person#2 and Person#2 says he likes Funk but hate Pops, Victor says he likes Funk and hate Pop (even knowing he said he loves Pop when stick with Person#1).
This is some kind of annoying. I feel sorry for him though.

This year, me and Trulyyy are studying in different rooms. Victor is in Trulyyy's room. In the second week of school Victor and Trulyyy team up on some kind of school work. That was when everything started. Victor started to imitate Trulyyy.

It was when I found out how annoying it is.

He copies everything Trulyyy does. His clothes, his musics, his talk, his dreams, his laugh. And it is in the exactly moment. If Trulyyy is sitting, Victor is sitting, when Trulyyy gets up, Victor automatically gets up. If Trulyyy is sitting that way, Victor is sitting that exactly same way as Trulyyy.
Wtf does that guy have in his head. It is annoying me as hell, but Trulyyy seems to don't care.

Well. There is something special about Trulyyy and me. Since we've met, we can tell what each of us are thinking. I believe this happens because me and him are really close, so we are more connected than most people are. I can tell exactly what he is thinking, while he can also tell what I am exactly thinking. Yes, we sort of read each other's mind. Doubt it if you wish, it's true.

Spoiler

Do you remember a phrase Sora says on the new game Dream Drop Distance?
"I have a friend who can see right through my heart!"
That's how me and Trulyyy are. You can think as Sora and Riku = Excasr and Trulyyy.

Thinking about that, I can see that Trulyyy needs help. I can look right through his heart and say: There is something wrong with him and he knows it, but also wants to hide from me, but he also knows he can't do it, not with me. Well. I won't say what's Trulyyy's problem, so this might just look confusing, but I need to literally get rid of Victor from our life. Now. Man, I hate that guy. He is imitating my best friend, nobody can do that, this is just getting me pissed off.

Moving to the other side again: Myself.
Victor is imitating others. One of his foes is Trulyyy. But... am I not the same thing?

I've been pissed off with Victor, that's why the choice of words. But, and if he is doing that because he don't want to be alone, because he want someone to be like him?
He'd be something like me. Lost. Confused. Just following what he thinks it's left. Well, honestly, I don't give a damn about this, but the thought of he, something I hate, be like me is just getting me more confused. Hidden truths from me, Trulyyy and Victor.

DAAAAAMMMIIIIIITTTTT
This is just so confusing.

Also,
Today was the day where we celebrate birthdays from July and August. Trulyyy's birthday is on July. I wanted to stay to celebrate with everyone, but parents didn't let me do so because it is from 5 PM until 7 PM and my dad didn't want to come to get me home. Now, two days ago, it was 11 AM and my brother called to my father asking if he could get him home from somewhere far away he was. My brother is 20, he can take a bus to home. My father was about to go to sleep, but he took the car and decided to get my brother home.
Why not with me? Where I wanted to be is not so far away as where my brother was, it is not as late as 11 PM (it is 7 PM), and I can take the bus just like everyday to go back home (yes, I always take the bus by myself, alone). Normally I take the bus 5 PM and get home 6:15 PM. What is the problem with taking me home from there or let me use the bus to get home? Why can my father take my brother home from the hell but can't take me home?

Victor's issue, parent's issue. Everything is just making me feel like I'm alone. I do feel like I was getting alone, and alone, and alone... by now, I feel like I can vanish and nobody would miss me. I've been hitting my head in the wall and pounding myself because I am confused and angry. It's a bit too radical, but I feel like there are some more steps to start to cut and suicide. If living means to have so many problems with so many things (almost everything), so what's the point to suffer? What would be the point of living?

I'm just too angry with myself. Why couldn't I be some normal person, or like Trulyyy or Lexibrag or Gu? Why do I feel like that, and what to do? Who the hell am I, anyways, what can I do? This is just so confusing and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH. I just can't think of anything else anymore.

Today isn't my day. Maybe if I go to sleep everything would be just one more nightmare...
KH-Vids... what now?

 

First of all -HUGS-

Now,
I think at some point in everyone's life, they feel the same way you are feeling. And It makes them feel alone, but they aren't.
You aren't, Excasr :) I promise.
The problems in life are just a challenge, but things do get better in time. You just have to hang in there. You WILL pull through. Cutting and suicide is definitely not the solution to it either.

Victor seems to be trying to "follow the crowd." He doesn't feel he "fits in", so he imitates people who do seem to "fit in." He may be self-conscious of himself and feel that he needs to change to another person's standards to be happy with his own self.
I know he may be annoying, if someone did everything I did, I would indeed feel annoyed. However, there may be a simple idea to change that or to help a little. You and Trulyyy, Trulyyy more importantly if it is bothering him, should talk to Victor. Maybe tell him that he is fine the way he is. That might just be all he needs to hear to make him realize that imitating others doesn't make him a different person. Hey, he may just become a new friend.


As for your dad giving your brother a ride and not you; (I will try to put this is words the best I can. Forgive me if it seems confusing.) being an older sister (19) and having a younger brother (16), I feel that my mom seems a bit more clingy and "I will do anything for you" -ish more to me than to my brother. I think it's because an older child has much more freedom from the parent than a younger one. So they are more distant from them. So in turn, the parents (seeming almost instinctly) will do a lot for the oldest to keep that bond between them. Being that when a child grows up, they move away and only see their parents ever so often.
I am sure your dad was probably a little unhappy of going to get your brother knowing that he could take the bus, but he didn't want to show it.

I know you are feeling confused and alone, but don't feel angry with yourself. It isn't your fault. And of course you aren't a normal person, Excasr. You are a lot more than a "normal" human being. You are beyond a great person, wonderful friend, and so much more!

You just need to clear your mind. Everything is coming at you all at once and it's making it seem like you have the entire world on your shoulders. Take on each thing slowly or think of something positive to take its place.
Find something you really enjoy doing and reward yourself!
Even though you couldn't be there to celebrate your friend's birthday, he is still your friend. I am sure he understands. You can make it up to him by hanging out and having a sleepover or something. ^^

That's not true.....I would (great words of Axel)
Kh-Vids would
Your family would
Your friends would

Maybe talking to a psychiatrist would be helpful to you. Or talk to your parents about how you have been feeling recently. Vent to us as you have been! :D Just know that you most certainly are not alone and you have many people who care about you. Think happy thoughts and hang in there!

We are here for you ^^



(I apologize for how long this reply is haha)