I'm not too sure what to say other than i feel like my whole world is crashing around me. by that i mean i have felt nothing but pure depression and no matter what I do i can't feel any better. I have gained weight I'm now well over 400 pounds how i am alive is a mystery to me i have constant chest pain and just feel like dying or commiting suicide whichever happens first. i can barely muster the effort do even do anything but eat and sleep and the only time i can't really feel sad is when i'm so busy with a game my brain has ceased thought. here is a list of why i feel so bad see if anyone who cares enough to read can understand it. 1. i nearly failed school due to my own stupidity and since my math score was so low its unlikely any college will take me 2. i have no money neither does anyone in my house/no job/I'm single/virtually no friends/0 social life/a dead love life/and most of my family has turned on me. 3. the girl i love more than anything is thinking about getting married hint not to me 4. im over 400lbs and ugly as **** i despise what i see in the mirror 5. i got rejected from a job where they said they were hiring anyone with a pulse 6. im going blind and losing my hair 7. i have no talents no skills and nothing to look forward to 8. im the only reason my moms alive 9. my mom said not intentionally that the only reason the girl i love was even attracted to me was because she's a whore and likes anyone who will give her dick 10. my whole house is falling apart and is likely going to fall on me. 11. i have ****** luck and i have never won something without me having to cheat or use dirty tactics. 12. my entire personality conflicts with every chance in life ive ever had 13. ive wasted nearly every chance ive ever had to do anything with my life 14. I only have 3 hobbies in life and all 3 of them are useless 15. I cant really show my emotions without a million questions attached to them and then a lecture on top of it theres more but i dont even really feel like talking about it i just purely hate myself and everything i am and ever will be i dont even feel deserving of life and i contemplate suicide atleast 7-8 times a day and i even have individually addressed suicide notes for many many people and i feel like maybe i got a few months left to live and the only reason i havent killed myself is i can't muster up enough courage to do it because im a ****ing coward. I'm just so tired of dealing with life and just existing hurts most of the time all i do now is just wait around and do nothing until death comes mostly. I dont know how else i can put how i feel. Any questions, suggestions, thoughts, input, smart comments, ideas on how to off myself, vodka donations? i just feel like im ate the edge of my rope but i dont have the strength to let go
Hmm ... you don' t leave much room for pep talk but I' ll try anyway. 1. i nearly failed school due to my own stupidity and since my math score was so low its unlikely any college will take me Unlikely =/= impossible, and as you mentioned some jobs are no-brainers. 2. i have no money neither does anyone in my house/no job/I'm single/virtually no friends/0 social life/a dead love life/and most of my family has turned on me. You should get out of that house. 3. the girl i love more than anything is thinking about getting married hint not to me Welcome to the world. 4. im over 400lbs and ugly as **** i despise what i see in the mirror I' m pretty sure fat people is a fetish, I' ve seen porn sections dedicated to them. 5. i got rejected from a job where they said they were hiring anyone with a pulse Did they say why ? Maybe they just reached their quota, or you did/said something wrong. How about trying other job offers ? Just the one hardly qualifies as trying. 6. im going blind and losing my hair Blind ? Myopic I guess ? Watching things that are close all day long will do that to you. You need glasses. As for the hair ... remember that thing about fetishes ? As long as you watch your hygiene your looks don' t matter that much. Plus, love is blind. Also, you won' t find it in your house. No really, get out of that house. 7. i have no talents no skills and nothing to look forward to Maybe you do and just haven' t found it yet. Again, look for a job. 8. im the only reason my moms alive ??? And that' s bad ... because ? 9. my mom said not intentionally that the only reason the girl i love was even attracted to me was because she's a whore and likes anyone who will give her dick Says what ? Her guts ? Her magic 8 ball ? I' m confused, have you slept with the girl ? If you haven' t that pretty much invalidates what your mum said, especially if she' s the soon to be bride you mentioned earlier. 10. my whole house is falling apart and is likely going to fall on me. I may not have stressed this enough : GTF OUT OF THAT HOUSE !!! 11. i have ****** luck and i have never won something without me having to cheat or use dirty tactics. For all we know you escaped a shitload of bad stuff from an inch without even noticing. 12. my entire personality conflicts with every chance in life ive ever had I ... have no idea what that means, but the less people you hang out with the more out of touch with society you' ll be. 13. ive wasted nearly every chance ive ever had to do anything with my life Every day is a new chance for a change. 14. I only have 3 hobbies in life and all 3 of them are useless 15. I cant really show my emotions without a million questions attached to them and then a lecture on top of it I' m pretty unreadable too, not that much of a problem to me. http://www.forbes.com/sites/jessicahagy/2011/11/30/how-to-be-interesting/
I have been through almost all the same things. The only things I haven't been through is the weight and losing hair parts. I have even been through worse at one point we lost our house meaning I had no where to stay. But like Patman said Get the hell out of there! Nothing is as bad as it seems unless you let it be. You can fix everything that is so wrong for you just don't be afraid of some hard work.
I can only say this, you're 18 right? So am I. You got your whole life ahead of you. If you don't like being at that weight do something about it. If you don't like the house, get out, i'm sure there is a job you are suited for. If you want the girl, make the move. Nothing happens unless you make it happen. I can tell you right now that suicide is not the answer. It won't solve anything. If these feelings of depression are that severe, you should consult a doctor to see about some type of anti-depressant. I know how it feels to be depressed. Don't give up hope. You got plenty of years left on you. If you think 400 lbs is going to kill you, I know a guy who more than doubles that. And he's had that weight for many years. At this point i'm going to ask you, please go and see a doctor. Find the help you need. If you can make it over this little hill, the rest is smooth sailing. Hope things start going your way from now on.
I agree with Nights, a doctor will really help as they can refer you to psychiatrists or therapists or just the right drug. This is not the end for you : ) Everyone has been saying get out of that house, a wise move BUT I'm guessing it's easier said than done so I think first things first you should find a job (I'll address that in a bit) and then with the money you earn you can find a place for yourself eventually and even make friends at your job. What are your hobbies? There will be clubs out there that are dedicated to them and if you find them then you'll also be able to make new friends and have something you look forward to. Life is also about experiencing new thnigs- how do you know what you like if you haven't tried it, there is so much out there for you and I suggest you maybe try some new things just to see how they go because it'll not only keep your mind preoccupied it'll give you something that'll make you happier that is worthwhile to you. There will be something because you were made to enjoy the wonders of this world. There will be some college courses that will take you, don't dismiss it so quickly because how do you know for certain that they won't take you unless you try? The reasin people normally don't is fear of failure and if you let that govern you then you won't get far in life. There are risks we have to take but in doing so we can reach our true potential (and you do have one you just haven't found it)- if you didn't then you'll remain where you are forever. When we become depressed we always seem to sulk and I don't quite understand why, it would make sense that we'd want to get out of it and be happy again and yet we just wallow in our own self pity and tears (I do it as well and I still don't understand why). It's getting out of that cycle that will really help as that will make you see the brighter side of the world because right now all you can see is gloom and distress but it will get better if you let it. Again, easier said than done and doctor's will help you break out of the cycle and you can enjoy life. 1. i nearly failed school due to my own stupidity and since my math score was so low its unlikely any college will take me You don't know until you try! : ) Once you gain confidence and perhaps some work experience might help then there will be courses that will take you on but it will require work. Once you gain the confidence you need then you'll shine to these college people. 2. i have no money neither does anyone in my house/no job/I'm single/virtually no friends/0 social life/a dead love life/and most of my family has turned on me. I suggest finding a club or something local that'll help you get out the house, not for work but for fun. As well as that finding a job will help as once you're earning you will feel better in yourself even if just a bit as you're given more a purpose. Also, the word "virtually" shows you still have someone and sometimes that is all you need to bring you out of the depths- there are people that care for you a great deal! Also, I know when we're depressed we normally feel quite selfish but I've found that doing something for someone else when I feel low makes me feel better even if it is just getting them a tea or something. If you concentrate on something then you will have goals which will fill your days and give them more purpose. Also, if you're nice to the people in your house then maybe you won't feel like they're turning on you. Also, don't worry about being single- you just haven't met enough people yet. You're time will come, it's just a waiting game. 3. the girl i love more than anything is thinking about getting married hint not to me I don't know the full situation with you two, I don't know how close you are but I would advise either not thinking about her and moving on or telling her how you feel. Don't sit around and wallow, it'll achieve nothing and it's possible that you may be surprised with the outcome. 4. im over 400lbs and ugly as **** i despise what i see in the mirror Says who? We are our own worst critics in every sense. If you don't like what you see than do something about it. Yes, easier said than done but not impossible. If you are worried about your weight then perhaps start by going for walks- not only are they peaceful but they'll be exercise and give you chance to get out of the house and see the world. There is someone out there for everyone! I truely believe that and you will only find them by feeling more positive and getting out into the world. Death looks so nice right now I'm sure but if you did die then you'll miss out on that and your chances of finding someone will be 0. Don't fret, you are not alone in these thoughts. 5. i got rejected from a job where they said they were hiring anyone with a pulse Our minds exaggerate things and we convince ourselves of the worst possible outcome and ignore others like maybe they actually didn't have any more spaces or they were looking for something specific and you just didn't have that certain characteristic but you'd be better suited to another job. There are thousands of jobs out there- you will find one if you look. 6. im going blind and losing my hair This could be from the diet and lack of vitamins. I suggest eating more fruits and vegetables or nuts and pulses. You'll find you're feeling a lot better as the food you take in does wonders to your body. What you put in is what you get out. If you feel like snacking then don't go for something unhealthy, go for somethnig new and interesting. Carrots may help with the sight thing (or milk, cheeses, oranges, ref peppers, oily fish and liver). As well as helping with the sight and hair (this could be down to stress) it'll give you more energy to go abotu the day and to live your life outside your house. As well as that, it'll help with the weight problem and possibly various other bodily problems that you may have just got used to but can be cured. 7. i have no talents no skills and nothing to look forward to That is not true, I don't know you well enough to name any talents but currently you ar eblind to them because that is what depression does to us, it covers our eyes to what we truely are capable of and makes us feel worthless when neither is true. You have nothing to look forward to at the moment because you haven't looked hard enough and you haven't got goals in life because the idea of suicide is blocking that out- if you get past that and choose to succeed then you will gain ambitions and you will begin looking forward to things in life. Again, if you take up a hobby with other people weekly then it may give you something to look forward to- you just have to find your passions in life. Not everyone is destined to be geniuses or masters at sport- the world is so much more diverse then that and you will find somethnig you enjoy and are passionate about. 8. im the only reason my moms alive I don't fully understand this but I'm assuming she's, sadly, depressed as well and is only alive for you? If so then isn't that all the more reason to live. If you live and live your life as well then you may be able to help your mum as well and that is brilliant. Even if you don't get on, it means you'll be the better person or it may improve your relationship. 9. my mom said not intentionally that the only reason the girl i love was even attracted to me was because she's a whore and likes anyone who will give her dick I doubt that is true, I mean I don't know this girl but that wouldn't be the only reason or it might not even be a reason. Of course it's possible but if it is then she's not worth the trouble and I know that is hard but there are some people who just aren't worth our time. If she's treated you badly especially. Of course, this is speculation, I don't know either of you. 10. my whole house is falling apart and is likely going to fall on me. Then you need to get stronger so you'll be able to carry the weight. You can do this by doing what I've suggested because if it is gonig to fall then it will make you stronger as well. 11. i have ****** luck and i have never won something without me having to cheat or use dirty tactics. That is because you haven't found your passions, what you love in this world. Also, if you keep using cheats then how will you ever improve- you have to fail to succeed it's just not letting it get you down that is the challenge. There will be things that you have won but your mind won't be focusing on that because it's blinding you from what you have achieved and convincing you that you are worthless when you aren't. 12. my entire personality conflicts with every chance in life ive ever had You need to experience a wider range of things in life- your personality traits will fit a job perfectly or something, you were made the way you were for a reason and those traits you've been given will aid you through certain circumstances in life. You just need to find that thing and you only do that by experiencing the world. I know it's huge and it'll probably be hard to choose somewhere to begin but I'm sure there will be something that'll stick out to you which seems fun and like somethnig you'd enjoy. 13. ive wasted nearly every chance ive ever had to do anything with my life Well, no use worrying about what you have done- you may not have felt ready so you just need to prepare yourself and make sure to grasp every opportunity you get because even if you do fail so what, you would have taken that chance and you would ahve learnt somethnig and, if you choose to, you'll come out stronger than you were before. 14. I only have 3 hobbies in life and all 3 of them are useless What are they? I doubt they are completely useless, you'd be surprised with what you can turn your hobbies into- there are some bizarre jobs out there. 15. I cant really show my emotions without a million questions attached to them and then a lecture on top of it Who lectures you? Parents? The only reason they are lecturing you is because they want to see you do something with your life so prove to them you can and it'll shut them up. I hope at least something here has helped you, sorry it's a bit of an essay xD but listen, you have your whole life ahead of you and it'll be whatever you make of it but you have to want to make it good in order to have a great life. The main thing here is finding motivation and energy. This is not the end for you, I really hope it isn't. The reason you are feeling so cowardly is not a bad thing- that's a natural human reaction of wanting to cling to life- it's good, it's brilliant! You should use that to live your life, forget the ideas of death they'll get you nowhere.
I feel its only right i answer some questions that some people have and comment on some suggestions. 1. about the girl i was talking about we were very close and we have slept together once as well as some other sexual things im not sure how she feels about me now we dont talk much anymore after a rumor devastated our relationship. 2. i have been trying to get out of my house but since my family of 3 plus a dog only has $600 to live off of a month its very hard and ive tried multiple jobs to get hired but nowhere will take me because many have said my entire appearance is incredibly off-putting also some jobs are out of my ability due to my leg and spinal injuries suffice to say my right leg only works at 50% capacity and looks slightly deformed and my spine has weak spots that suffcient force or pressure would either kill or paralyze me so most manual labor is impossible. 3. i think some people are confused about what i meant by family the 2 people i live with my mom and my step dad still seem to care about me but the other family that doesnt live with me but own the property i live on have started to hate me. 4. my only hobbies are playing games, watching tv, and just in general laying around
With an injury like that it would be hard to find work, since manual labor would be out of the question. You could try getting a desk job. Are there any telemarketing or surveyor companies in your area? Have you tried checking local job listing websites? You might have to do some serious searching, but i'm sure there is a job for you. As for your appearance, it doesn't take a lot to clean yourself up. Just a good clean shave, haircut, and some formal attire would be good for any job interview. As for your hobbies, if at all possible, getting out of the house and walking around would be a great help. I know you said you had an injury but it doesn't have to be long. Just a short walk a couple times a day can make you feel better. After a while that short walk might turn into a long walk. Etc. etc. You just have to put in a little effort to get a small return, but a big effort will bring the greatest rewards. Just do your best and things will work out. Hope any of this can help you.
