I know I've posted here recently, but I'm having problems again

I feel like I'm going to be stuck here forever, get married to my highschool sweetheart that I don't even love, and end up living in a one-bedroom apartment with a minimum wage job here in the suburbs, I can't do it, I can't live like that, and I hate my job, I just moved into my friend's house because my mom kicked me out, and I can't do this. I'm only eighteen. I don't want to be here anymore, and all I see is how bad everything is.

I can't see the good in the situation. I only earn $400 a month(if I get the hours), and all of that goes toward rent here at my friend's house, my cat, my lizard that eats at least $80 worth of crickets and worms a month, and groceries, and I have no money left over to even be able to save up more than about $10 a week to try and get myself away from here. I'm tempted to just take all my money, and get the hell out of here. I can't handle it anymore.

Also, I used to take anti-depressants, but I had to stop taking them because they would make me numb, and then cause severe panic attacks and insomnia, and I want to take them, but they just made me worse, I've tried Zoloft, Prozac, and two other types that I don't remember, as well as anti-anxiety meds like Buspar. I've been taking them since I was thirteen, and I had to stop because I wasn't myself anymore, but I've been feeling so much better off of them until now, and now I just want to get out of this town. I don't have a dad, he left a long time ago and only shows up when he invites my sis and I to another of his weddings, and my mom doesn't want me living in her house anymore because I "take up too much space" that my sister and her cheerleader friends could be using. My stepdad just makes fun of me anyway when I'm home, and I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, but I just have so many problems, and I can't take it anymore, I'm tempted to just fill up my tank and drive, and not stop.

I hate my job, I want to quit, but I can't because I need money, and God, I just, I don't want to be here. I sound like a child, just wanting to get up and run away , because it's just going to be tough wherever I go. Nothing is going to be easy, ever, and yet I just want to keep getting up any moving. I need to get my GED. I dropped out of High school last year because of bullying and boredom. I literally would sit there(in upper level classes), and know more than half the things the teacher would be teaching us, and I got so bored that I just stopped trying, and I'm not sure why, I just got tired of that too. I'm dumb, I'm a child, and I'm dumb, and I'm bad at life, and I make stupid decisions, but I just hate everything and everyone here, and I don't want to be here anymore. I've gotten all the advice in the world on how to fix myself, and make myself better, but I have no will to act on it.

I love helping people though, I'll literally stop and go out of my way to help people that I think need it, even at school I would stand up for people getting bullied, I don't know what that had to do with anything, I just felt like saying it.

I've always wanted to be a musician though. I sing, I write songs, but I have no musical skill when it comes to instruments. I've tried to learn guitar, bass, bass guitar, clarinet, trumpet, and piano, and I can't do more than get the basics down. I feel like a failure. I was too depressed to get through high school, I can't learn an instrument, I can't get a job I like, and I can't seem to accept it when I tell myself that I need to settle for things I don't like to get to the good things, but I've tried, and I'm pathetic, and no matter what I say to myself, I can't find the will to react to my own pep talks. I can't take my parents seriously either when they try to talk to me, because my dad is a jerk that ruined my family, and my mom married a man that mentally and emotionally abuses me, then makes fun of me when I try and talk to him about it. I don't know what to do.

 

Ok, here I go.*

First of all, dump her if you don't love her, especially if you've been together for a while. If she does love you, though, try to bring it a little easy by saying something like, "I'm sorry, but I do not love you and do not intend to be with you anymore. We need to find other people because it will not work between us." It doesn't matter if she cries a whole lot or gets all depressive, etc. If you aren't happy with her you need to leave. It will also be healthier for you because you will not waste energy, time, and money into something that you aren't into.*

Second, you need to get rid of that lizard and that cat. It doesn't matter how emotionally attatched you are to them because they are using up money that you NEED. If you got the lizard at Petco, I'm sure they would take him back because that's what they did when I took a hamster there that I didn't want anymore (technically it wasn't theirs to begin with but I lied and they took him in). The cat would probably be the same deal. You just gotta say you either don't want them or can't take care of them anymore. (I prefer saying that you can't take care of them anymore because it sounds more professional yadda yadda.) Spending $80 on food for your lizard alone is a whole lot, especially for earning a low income.

Third, plenty of people drop out of school every year. You sound like a smart chick and it will be a cinch to get your GED. Personally, I knew someone who was really smart but hated school and anything related to it. She dropped out and got her GED and is moving on through life.*

Also personally, I say that anyone who doesn't like you, is mean to you, etc., should f*ck off and you shouldn't care about em because they are just a waste of your time, especially if you don't like them back.*

I have never really believed in the power of pills, and I know my girlfriend used to take antidepressants too. Like you, she doesn't take them anymore.

Most people hate their jobs, it's a natural thing because no one likes to wake up at five in the morning or whatever and do something for hours that they don't like/are passionate about. I suggest you apply to different places that are nearby and have some sort of interest to you. Such as Barnes and Noble has books, Hobby Lobby is artsy, etc. Still keep your job, just apply to places of interest so you can make an easy slide from job to job. Money is the root of all evil but sadly everyone needs it to 'survive' so to speak.*

Also, you need to manage your money carefully, do less costly activities (if you do any), try to not use gas excessively, only when needed, etc. Try to get the less expensive brands of food/drinks too, some may not taste as good but its got to be delt with if you're planning on saving more money. Also try not to buy excess/luxury foods too often, they can waste a lot of money and can not be eaten for a long time. Eating out costs a whole lot so try not to do that as much as possible. Pay attention to price and food amount comparison; is it worth buying for that much? Please keep in mind though to eat as healthy as you can, nutrition is important. Eating only when you truly are hungry is also a money saver, eating excess food can take a toll on your wallet and your health.*

I don't know if you're one to buy clothes a lot but they are drastically expensive, buying clothes are only necessary if you have holes, worn out, stained bad, or if your clothes don't fit. Besides underwear of course you don't want to use old nasty undies xP*

Maybe you could discuss lowering your rent cost? They should understand that youre having a hard time with money and life in general.

I hope I helped and if you need anyone to talk to I'm here for you.
I spread love n hugs to you in hopes that you will feel better <3
And I hope that you can find a way to make things better, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Random fact: Cheetahs aren't considered big cats because they can't roar.

 

I think Shadox petty much covered it...I will say though that even if you do love the lizard...perhaps selling them to a friend or something is the best way to go...That way you cash in a little more and you can visit them whenever you like :) It is hard...That's life...Just keep on keeping on, watch your money, and keep an eye out for a job you do wish to take...

You don't need to play an instrument to be a musician...pehaps find a local band o something you can join...write songs for them and see if you can work you way into becoming a singer :)

best of luck! I really hope things pek up for you~