I just got really bored so I wrote a poem. None of this is true, so um... yeah. I laugh, I cry, I sing, I dance. It all just feels Like a mother's last glance. The shackles, The chains, They all just feel Like awful pains. Mesmerizing glares Control me to do bad. I don't purposefully do it, One day I won't be glad. And that's it! What do you think?
Writer's Critique Okay, the first stanza starts off with a pretty good rhythm ("duh-dah, duh-dah, duh-dah, duh-dah...") But the last line throws the whole tempo off. You might want to try either shortening that line or increasing the length of the others. Maybe instead of "Like a mother's last glance" it could read like "Like mom's last glance" or something. Second stanza, I'd say the first two lines seem a bit...off. Three syllables in the first line and only two in the second. I'd suggest maybe lengthening the second line by a syllable or to make it sound more flowing, use another word besides only "chains." Other than that, the last two lines of the second stanza are good. The last stanza (I'm assuming it is) is decent. But the word "purposefully" kinda trips up the tongue a bit. I'd suggest making it less complicated to say and use "I don't mean to do it." Maybe add "But," on the same line so you've got a transition between the two lines. So the last stanza would go like: "Mesmerizing glares Control me to do bad. I don't mean to do it, but One day I won't be glad." Of course, that's all my opinion anyway. You don't have to take my advice. :)
Omg gal, considering this is the first poem Ive seen you post EVER this is pretty good xDD The whole "sing-song" theme kind of suits you for some reason.. But reading it depth it's kind of sad.. is everything okay..? Nice thought put into this, you may have just randomly wrote it but..yeah. Well done, buddy (:
*shrugs* I was really sad when I wrote it today... Do you think it sounds too emo? I wasn't trying to make it sound emo.
...for starters don't admit that you wrote this while you were bored. The reader could think that you are didn't put any effort into it and just vomited words onto a page. Also, telling the reader that this is all not true takes a quality out of the reading that they would be able to determine for themselves. in the area of form, you do have a constant beat except for a few sections, which DF has pointed out. Some of the words seem that they shouldn't be mixed together like glad. Anyway, these are my thoughts
