I just feel as if I let everybody down. I feel as if my friends are let down by me, my parents and my teachers are never happy with me either. I've started thinking how much better their lives would be if I just disappeared and never came back, never contacted them again. I can't even walk past a bridge without imagining throwing myself off it at the moment. I don't want to lose my friends, because I love them all too much to do something like that. If I left, I'd feel as if I'd let them down and broken a promise to them. I can't even tell my friends how I feel because I don't want them to see me cry. They've helped me through so much, that I don't want to put them through anything else. I don't want them to worry about me. At the same time, I also get left out a lot in my group of friends and start feeling invisible, would they even notice that I was gone? My parents just seem to be waiting for me to mess up so that they can keep harping on about my mistake. I try to remind them that I am a teenager and it's what I'm supposed to do, that I'm still learning, but they don't seem to realise this. My stepdad often tells me the only job I'm ever going to get is in Burger King and that I'm going to fail college, which I am close to doing anyway unless I tell my teachers this. I can't tell my teachers that I have problems with my family because they'll call my parents to check that I'm telling the truth. My parents will tell them that I am lying and the whole faculty will insist that I'm just making excuses like they did the last time I had an argument with my dad. They phoned my mother and father and asked them what was going on, they both said "nothing" and now I have a record as a liar. What am I supposed to do to let people know how I'm feeling? It's not like I can come straight out and tell them, even though this thread may be the only way I find the courage tell one of them. Please help me.
little by little, you should tell people. Your friends would help you if you would just tell them. They are your friends after all and if they helped you through so much already then they could help you know. As for your parents... There is not much advice I can give you. If you tell your teachers that you have slight family problems they might help you. Tell them the whole story... You just need to tell people. And know that you have friends and other people that are there for you.
On suicide: Other people look out for themselves. You should look out for yourself. Don't judge the success of your life with the standard "Do I satisfy other people?" it should be "Do I satisfy myself?". Your job is to survive and be happy, not to please them. It doesn't matter if you don't please them, provided you please yourself. You're more important than them. Your opinion of yourself is all that matters. Another point is that suicide ends everything. Suicide is the same result, no matter what you do prior to that. So if you're at the point where you're about to kill yourself, then you're better off trying everything you can possibly do to fix it. As in, tell everyone and make yourself heard. Keep trying. If you succeed, then you've improved your life. If you don't succeed, and it all goes downhill, then you can still kill yourself, and get the same end as before. If you're Catholic, you should probably remember that suicide is a one-way trip to hell. It's a sin that you can't repent for, you see. You're doing your friends a disservice if you don't share your pain with them. They care about you, and by concealing your problems, you're not giving them the chance to help you. It's not forcing your problems upon them; if they don't want to help, then they won't help. They'll only help if they honestly want to help, in which case you're not being fair by not telling them. Make your presence known in your group of friends. Don't just go along with what they do; take active steps to arrange things. For example, arrange a trip to the cinema. I don't quite get what your problem at home is. Your step father has absolutely no confidence in you. Fine, tune him out. His opinion is worthless, because you know that he's wrong. It's possible that you'll end up flipping burgers, yeah. It's also possible that you'll end up passing college/university. You can decide which you end up doing. If you put in the effort, you can make sure you will pass. So ignore your step father's insults, and focus on your work. You're at the point where you can take responsibility for yourself, and decide what future you want. You don't need your step father's support in that. Heck, provided you're still given time and an area to work on schoolwork, then you don't even need the support of your mother. They're not omnipotent, and you can defy them on this issue. You don't need to argue with them. You're secure in the knowledge that you determine what's going to happen to your life, so it doesn't matter what they say. I'm trying to understand what your problem at home is. Is it just a matter of your parents having no faith in you?
You know what I told you, but just to summarize: You are not a failure. If you were, I wouldn't consider knowing you to be one of the best things that's happened to me. Go to your friends for help. They love you just like I do. You can trust them. It's your parents' job to harp on your mistakes just like it's your job to make mistakes. So cut them a little slack when they give you a hard time. If you want your teachers to believe you, just make it look like you're hiding it so they'll ask, and then say that your stepdad would lie when they try to confirm it anyway. In my experience, saying nothing and then explaining that it'll sound like a lie makes it sound truthful. Where the hell did you hear that? That's not the Catholic belief at all. Whether or not you kill yourself, the rest of your life is still taken into account.
If one commits a sin, then repentance is necessary, isn't it? It's a tad difficult to repent for suicide, considering how suicide kills you. As a small point, it's probably best not to argue this point here. It'd be counter-intuitive to make the argument that suicide sends you directly to Heaven when we're discussing it in front of someone entertaining vague notions of suicide. Feel free to set me straight in VM though.
Things may suck now but there is one thing you need to remember: it WILL get better. Just remember that. For now: Yeah, your stepdad is a giant asshat. That sucks but a lot of people have to deal with it and many make it out fine. Just ignore him. I know it's hard but the bottom line is that what he's saying is wrong. Just focus on your studies, and prove him wrong. You're struggling in school, but everybody does. School is hard but you can make it through if you're willing to make sacrifices. You need to open up to your friends about this. You will feel a lot better. I know how it feels to feel ignored by your friends but trust me, if they like you enough to call you their friend they should be there to help you through this. That's what friends are for. If they don't want to, they're not your real friends. It's really that simple. Don't worry about telling your teachers about your personal problems at home. As sad and cold as it is to hear it they really couldn't care less. Just focus on your studies and they'll be happy that you're showing effort.
