I feel like I'm inches away from a breakdown

I really didn't want to type this, hell, I've had **** to do all day but I just can't do it.
I've had people ask me all day what's going on through facebook and texts and **** and I can only give them bits and pieces, I guess I just need to get the whole thing together...


I don't know where to start, there's so many things that just combined into this.

I guess my mom's mental health is the best place to start?
My mom suffers from severe paranoia and depression. It's not like she's constantly depressed, but the tiniest thing can make her hit rock bottom and she'll just stay like that for a long time, just staying in bed sleeping or crying and ****. To go along with this, she has this phobia driving on the interstate (this is important for later)

In the last couple of years, I've noticed that my emotions are weird, like I don't really feel them. I can't explain it. But I've never been real good at displaying my emotions when I was younger. People would always say I don't seem as happy as I should be when I hear good news, but I would always be confused because I was happy. But around my senior year of high school or freshman year of college, it got worse. There would be times when I thought I wasn't really feeling anything when I should be. It got to the point where I wasn't sure if I was really feeling anything or just playing the motions. Like I would think about what I should be feeling and how I should act if I was really feeling it, so I would then act that way. I never really thought much about it until my family gave me this intervention-like thing last year about my eating habits when I lost a lot of weight. My cousin made a big deal about how I wasn't reacting to anything they said and told me he felt like he was talking to wall. That's when I started noticing it. A few months later, my mom and I got into a huge argument and she said something else about it. She said I was like a robot. That actually hurt. Like so much for my mom to say that. What made it worse was that I could tell I was actually hurt by it, but like before, I couldn't show it so I guess she assumed I didn't care (like always) and we just kept arguing. A few weeks ago, my mom told me I'm illogical for reasons completely unrelated, but that just made me think of what she said before.

It got to the point where I couldn't stop thinking about it. I decided to go the university's guidance counselor. However, when I made the decision, it was Finals of my first semester of college. I was way too busy to have time to go. By the time I was done with finals, my dorm was closing and I had to go home for a month for Christmas break. My hometown has a counselor or therapist or something, but I didn't have any money for it (My school's is free for students) and when my friend's little sister went to him, he ended up making things worse. So I decided to go during my Spring semester. Break started out horrible, but the last half was great. I reconnected with an old best friend and she and I spent a ton of time together with her family and other friends. She even got me going to church again a couple months before that. When school started up again, I was feeling really, really good. I felt no reason to go to the counselor, so I didn't.
I've also had this fear of going. It's gotten to the point where I think there is something wrong with my head. And aren't some mental illnesses hereditary? It doesn't help that I saw something on t.v. that put this fear in me that I may be psychopathic. But I don't want to see someone about it. What if I get put on medication? Everyone always says "no matter what happens, you're still you." but if something does change in my mind, I'm not going to be me. Whatever's wrong with me affects how I think and my personality. If that changes, yeah, I'll still be by name, but I won't be the me I always was and that scares me to death.
Anyway, I think it's some kind of depersonalization disorder, or something like that. I've been to scared to do research on it.


My mom's a single mom. She raised my older brother in the city, but with no help from his dad (We have different dads). She could barely raise him and he had to go live with my grandma and aunts after I was born. I didn't even meet him until I was a few years old when my mom had enough money to raise both of us. We moved down to a different state when I was seven. A couple years later, my sister was born from a different dad than both my brother and mine (say what you want about my mom, I've heard all the jokes). A couple of years ago, my brother got back in touch with his dad, who just happens to be rich. He bought my bro a car, sent him some money and everything, but I guess it's jsut too awkward for my brother. He's been up to visit his dad a few times and meet his half-sisters, but they're losing touch again. I cut off all connections with my father who lives across the country for similar reasons. He's never done anything for me and my uncles and my sister's dad have been my father figures. Just talking to my father causes more grief than anything, so I burned that bridge. My mom and sister's dad aren't together anymore. He still visits all the time to see my sister, they work together so they're cool, he pays child support and gives her money when she needs it, but it's not enough. My mom works at a factory, so money wasn't exactly a luxury we had. We lived paycheck to paycheck, even when my brother and I had jobs. My generation is the first to go to college, I'm the third to go (second to a university and not drop out), my brother's the first.

I wasn't always able to do what I wanted to do because money problems. I had it EMBEDDED in my head that life wasn't going to be like that when I was older. I have all these preparations to graduate from school early so I can get a well-paying career. Like, most people have that one reason they live? That one life goal they're not going to stop working towards? The reason they wake up in the morning? Well, that's mine.


Alright, so this semester has been somewhat decent. Besides the incidents I mentioned before about being called illogical and a robot, my emotional state has been mostly stable. Hell, I even started dating this girl a month ago. She's a small town girl so she's not too happy about the interstate either. Which is why I go visit her on weekends instead of her visiting me. She's not scared of the highway like my mom, but she just isn't used to it. Plus, if she comes up here, she has to pay for parking whereas I can just go home for free. My mom hated this because I was on the interstate so much, no matter how many times I tried explaining to her that I'm with an experienced driver and that it's not as bad as she thinks it is. I hated feeling bad for seeing not just my girlfriend, but HER and my baby sister and my friends because of her phobia. I really don't want to say it. I mean, I love my mom so much. She did a hell of a job raising three kids with her resources. I don't think anyone can do what she did. But there's always this small bottle of dislike I have for her. I know it's horrible to say, but I always hated feeling like I was paying for her mistakes, you know? I'm putting myself through college on scholarships and loans and whatever's left I save. I had to give her part of my loan earlier this year. I had decided, even if it contradicts my money desires, that I would not work and study at the same time. I would focus solely on studying.

I have 108 dollars left. I don't really need it for anything. It's for emergency food funds, supplies if I need it, etc. I was even waiting on my mom to pay me back the 200, because I didn't know how bad things are. My brother called me earlier and told me he called our mom to say hi and she just broke down crying. She has no money in the bank and just used her paycheck to pay some bills. She's not sure what to do on rent or whatever. I didn't know it was this bad because she was on the waiting list to get a smaller apartment (she pays for four rooms and an extra bathroom when it's just her and my sister now) and she's getting a promotion next year. I figured things would be good until then. My brother said because of her depression is worse than ever and she even admitted to be a bit suicidal. The thought of this almost killed me, but I couldn't get the words out to tell my brother so I was just like "Whoa..." My brother is sending her 100 bucks and I"m taking her 60, maybe more tomorrow when I go to town. Monday, I"m applying for a job where my roommate works. As much as I love my mom and despite how ****ing scared I am at the thought of her doing something stupid, I just can't help but to hate her for this. Most of the campus jobs are taken so I have to work at a restaurant which probably won't bend my work schedule around my classes as easily. Say all you want about me being the worst son ever, I already know I am.

She's never gotten any psychiatric or whatever the hell it is, help. She can't speak English that well so my brother and I have been translating for her all our lives. So there's no way she can go herself. I talked to my aunt and uncle before about taking her, but no one took me seriously. They know how she is, but they always said the whole "she could be worse" thing and it always pissed me to no end. I hate how everyone says **** can be worse, I mean, it can also be better! They always said she may not be completely fine, but she has us to take care of her. My brother's telling my aunt and uncle to **** off and is demanding she gets help. However, we have to take her ourselves and translate. I don't understand how that's going to work when we're both in college. He's graduating in May, but that's too far off. Besides the job I'm getting now, I'm thinking of taking next semester off from school to get a full time job at my friend's company (Guaranteed job if I pass the drug test) to save money for me but mostly for her. If I do this, I fear I'm going to be too out of rhythm to get back into school. And I won't be able to study abroad in the summer. It also gets in the way of EVERYTHING I had planned to graduate early. I know she needs this and I'm willing to do it for her, but at the same time, I'm resentful for it. It's like going against my life plan, like I'm not only going backwards, but falling behind everything.
There's also how my family will react to it. My mother would expect me to do it, so will my grandma and a few aunts/uncles, possibly even my brother. But because it's expected, I won't get any appreciation (trust me, that's just how they are) so if I don't do it, I'm going to get so much **** for it. Then when I do do it, the other half of my family is going to be pissed at my mom for making me take a semester off because college is a big thing for us, even moreso for me, and I just know it's going to cause family drama because of me and I just don't know if I can handle it, especially if they attack my mom for it and it'll be my fault.
I called her to tell her I was going into town tomorrow for a friend's birthday and I was going to stop by and see her and she sounded so down, like she asleep, but she wasn't. I didn't have it in me to tell her I'm giving her money or I know something's wrong because she hates that. My brother wants to tell the rest of the family to help without them calling her all worried because that makes it worse for her.

All day, I've just been so out of it thinking about this. I didn't even notice I had one shoe from one pair on and another from another pair. I have this feeling that I'm going to just breakdown and cry, but it's not happening. I've been starving all day, but I have this weird thing where I can't if I'm not emotionally stable. Like if I'm the slightest bit down or agitated, I have no appetite. I finally force myself to cook the last pack of ramen in our dorm. When I opened it up, there was no seasoning and as pathetic as it sounds, I really almost started crying. That little thing almost sent me over. (EDIT: Another thing about that is I know I'm going to end up losing weight if I keep feeling like this and then my mom's going to give me hell for it no matter what the reason is) The only good news about this is that my friend (The same one who can get me the job if I take a semester off) offered to give me his old car if he can get it running, free of charge. I can't just take it from him like that, but the fact that he's willing to do that (even if he does have two other vehicles) means so much. But still, I'm just going crazy, I feel like I might breakdown any second now.

I know this was long and sorry, I guess. I don't even know what I'm asking from you here, but I just...****, I'm going crazy right now.

 

I'm really, truly, genuinely sorry you're going through so much right now. It really sounds like there's a lot on your plate and a lot of unfair pressure being put on you.

First, I want to say that I remember your thread a while back regarding this. I don't remember exactly what I said back then, but in relation to your situation, you're very plainly exhibiting feeling here. You're not a robot, and I don't think there's anything wrong with your emotions. You may have difficulty expressing how you feel physically but that doesn't mean you aren't feeling.

I still think it would be helpful for you to go talk to a guidance counselor. They could maybe give you good, reasonable advice and more information on what you think you may have developed. They're there to help, and it seems as though you're putting this off. I truly believe that talking with someone like that would do more good than bad, even if you feel you aren't desperate for it or it's not that big of a deal at times. There's a lot you're dealing with, even before this. Even if you did have some medical problem, it's not as though not talking about it or asking for help from a professional would make it simply vanish. I strongly urge you to try to get a grip on it now before it spins out of control.

Regarding this, I still think you should be able to tell her how you feel. Right now, since she's in such a state it might not be a good thing to bring up but...When things calm down, she should know. One of the worse things a parent can do is something like that. You're an adult and you should be able to freely travel and such. Telling her that doesn't mean you don't appreciate all she's done for you. It really doesn't, especially if you're respectful about it. You need to let her know.

This is probably one of the most worrisome things I read in this post. If she's suicidal or that depressed then she needs help. Therapy or something, even if you have to trick her into it. You don't want her doing something rash or stupid. Sadly, I completely understand what you're saying by hating her for it. You're not a terrible son. You have a life and problems of your own to figure out and work through. You have to take care of yourself. You shouldn't be responsible for taking care of her. I'm not saying to abandoned her or anything like that, or be rude or forget her. I'm just saying that she should take the initiative to get help herself rather than relying on you to do it or something like that. You shouldn't have that pressure put on you.

Do what you need to do, but personally, I would NOT suggest this. The majority of people who take breaks don't end up going back. At least not for a LONG while. I don't know what to tell you. I believe that you should be helping out your mother, but by finding her help OUTSIDE of you. Maybe seeing if there's any free community like counseling for her or suggesting a hobby or something for her to occupy herself with. You have a plan for YOUR life. You're young and you NEED to take all of the positive opportunities you get, especially in this world. I really just don't want to see you put everything on hold, or watch your life go down-hill because of her problems. Whether she's your mother or not. I know it's a tough one but...Honestly, don't do anything rash.

Things might be **** right now, but have faith that they will get better. No matter what happens. I believe in you, keep your chin up and stay strong, Ramen-kun. <3 If you need me, I'm always around.

 

I don't know how old this thread is, and Im not going to bother to look, but I'll just reply to let you know that I care.

First off, about your emotions and acting like a robot. Do you hang out with friends often and do fun things? Well, they don't have to be fun, but as long as you are social it should be fine I guess. I think you just need to feel happiness and be with friends. I used to feel like a robot too. Not wanting to talk to anyone because of all the drama they cause. I just felt like isolating myself from everyone, but then I realized it was a bad thing. Now that Im in a new year of high school, I can talk to some nice people that I know, and it's helping me out.

That's all I got, sorry. This all seems to be personal, and I don't really know all that is going on in your life, so I don't believe I can have a say on this. I hope everything will work out for you eventually, bro.

Edit - By the way, I think the reason for you posting this is to let it all out. I dunno, maybe. Just saying, since I think I know the feeling.

 

Bueno, I've known you for, what, two years now? And I can tell you with absolute certaincy that you are in no way a robot. Hell, you're probably one of the best members on here.

I agree with everything Len said. Your mom raised you and your siblings on her own, and you appreciate that and love her very much. But that doesn't mean she can push her problems on you. It's your life, and no one should be able to make you do anything you don't want to.

Lastly, don't forget, everyone on here cares. <3