Yeah, I was on Facebook and was about to update my status when that thought just flashed into my mind out of nowhere like if that was my status. All of a sudden, my mind just unhinged and all these thoughts flooded my mind about how I have no plan and how I always feel so detached about everything. Before college, I didn't know what I was going to study. I picked education so I could be a social studies teacher because I liked the subject and hated how teachers are these days. My brother gave me one talk about how much money accountants make so I switched to that because I like math, it's easy for me, and I love money. But I'm not putting effort into my studies. I probably failed one of my classes and bombed the lab because the subject was so uninteresting I'd fall asleep and didn't do any of the homework or studied. Once I got my laptop, I brought it to class just to keep me awake and then I wouldn't listen to the professor because I didn't give a damn about geology and had the internet at my hands. I'm barely passing another class because I was too lazy to attend all of the classes. I barely did half of my English homework this semester, it's touch and go in that class. I did less than a quarter of my Math homework. I'm making a low B in that class where I should be making an A and in a more advanced course. I have Geology and Psych finals and my final English paper due in the next four days. Haven't studied nor started on that paper. I'm incredibly worried I'd fail, but at the same time, I don't care and have no motivation to do it. I keep telling myself "I'll study tomorrow," but I know I won't and I don't. I have no job and no money. I lost 15 pounds since I moved here because once my money ran out, I couldn't eat. I still have no motivation to get a job which my mom thinks I'm doing because I owe my aunt so much money for my cell phone bill. My family gave me an intervention during my last break because they're worried about my health. They made me go grocery shopping, which helped, but sometimes I'm just too lazy to even eat. I also realized over the last year that I can't eat when I'm feeling negative in anyway, especially stressed. I love my little sister to death, but damn she's so ****ing bratty. I would start eating dinner or lunch and she would go into a fit and I would lose all appetite. I can't even swallow food. My mom would criticize something I do and I would get extremely pissed and throw my food away. During the intervention, my cousin said something which I thought no one noticed, he said I was so expressionless even when they were talking about something so serious. He said they might as well have talked to wall because I showed no reaction. I always feel like that. I'm emotionally detached from everything. Even then, I could feel emotion boiling up as they talked to me, but it was like I couldn't figure out what emotions I was feeling and I couldn't express them. Even now, as I'm typing, I have this feeling in my eyes and in my chest, like if I wasn't so detached, I'd cry or yell or something, but I just can't do it. I'm just sitting here, calm as a stone. {Edit: For instance, the same day I was saved, I was in my first car accident. Totaled my mom's car, hurt my neck, but I was alright. Two trees saved my life, if they weren't there, I would have rolled down the hill and no one would know because it was such a backroad. The cop saw no one was hurt and I was sober and didn't file a report so I got to keep my license. The car was completely totaled. It was my mom's only car and I wrecked it and after I got over the shock, I didn't care that I wrecked her only car. Why should I? I wasn't suffering any consequences. My cousin scolded me for that and I bought a cheaper laptop then I was planning and gave my mom the 500 dollars I had left to help her. I feel like I did it just so I don't have to live with the guilt, not because I actually felt guilty) I'm waiting on my excess financial aid in January so I can live off that and not get a job. I loved my first job, I doubt I'll even like a new one. I want a car, I don't feel like getting a job or saving up. I have no activities. I wake up with enough time to get to class, eat, come back here and watch tv or play a game. When I'm bored, instead of doing something, I'd rather sleep. I can sleep 12 hours and still not feel like I get enough. I was saved about a month and a half ago, and my faith is important to me, but not as important as it should be. My dorm has two separate bible studies, and I don't go to neither. I literally have no crush on anyone. It feels weird not to have a girl in my life, you know? I'm clinging to old feelings for my best friend, I get disappointed each time because we talked about it and nothing's going to happen. I'm frustrated, upset, angry, depressed, but I can't show it. I'm not designed to talk to people about my feelings. People say I'm complicated, and I like that. They can't figure me out because I find it hard to even show what I'm feeling or thinking. I always act happier than I really am, even if I am happy. I feel like I can't even show enthusiasm right. It feels strange not showing emotion, or knowing what I'm feeling, and it feels stranger knowing I'm not. It's the opposite of before. I used to be able to fake sadness, happiness, or even illness so well. I remember in elementary school, I once had a headache and made it seem worse so I wouldn't have to go to school and I started feeling worse for real. My mind works like a factory on so many levels. It's hard to explain, but sometimes, it's like I feel something and then I think that I only think I'm feeling it. And those two thoughts drive me crazy because I don't know if I'm feeling something or I just think I'm feeling it because I thought about it. Like I make it a point when I pray to not pray about myself, no matter what problems I'm having, because I know people have it worse. I would have a small microsecond where I feel selfless then I feel extremely selfish because I think I'm selfless and I think I only pray for others hoping I would get some reward in the end and I feel even more selfish. But I can't tell if I'm really that way or if I just think I am because I thought of that. That's the best way I can explain it. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I don't know what I'm doing next week, I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. My psychology class talked about how the Student Counseling center and how it's free. I think I should go, but I can't find it in myself to actually go. Especially with the fact that I'm going home in less than a week. I can't talk to my family about it because I can't get my point across as well as I could in English (They speak Spanish. My Spanish is a lot worse than my English, ironically) I can't talk to my friends about it because the majority of them aren't doing anything with their lives. The ones that are, I just can't connect emotionally. The only reason I'm typing this here is because as I type, no one's reading it. I'm not talking directly to someone and I'm more comfortable with that. Since I don't know the majority of you, I don't give a damn what you think about me. That best friend I talked about earlier, I feel like our friendship is one-sided. I know she cares about me a lot, but it feels like I care way more than she does. We're in talk about getting an apartment with a couple others next summer, and I have no idea whether I don't want to do it or if I'm all for it. I quit cigarettes several weeks ago, yet I've kept these Black and mild's and I'm considering smoking them. I really just want to get as drunk and high as possible. At the same time, I want to get in a car and just drive off as fast as possible. I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm not even sure if I care that something is wrong with me.
masybe you should go to counseling. Have you tried seeing a therapeust? I'm not trying to be mean if that is what it is sounding like but you seem to be in alot of a pain and one day these emotions will burst out and something bad might happen like suicide. <----- I know what that is what will be the end because Scarlett was being the same way and she ended up wanting to do suicide and look where she is now, a psychiatric ward. Is that what you want. Then try relieve that now and go seea thereapist and they should be able to help. Don't think what if because that if will get you into trouble one day.
From the little I know about this psychologicaly, I can't say what's wrong. Personally, however, I know what you're going though all to well... To tell the truth, ironically, I keep trying to type a sentence down that sums up how I feel about this subject, but I can't express it in just some words. I always chalked it up to being the Schizophrenia, but like I say i'm not a pro. The way I went/go through it, is that I surround myself with loads of people who are very emotional, my friends are so varied in peronality that I eventually just joined in. Alot of the time I do wonder: are these emotions I express actually what I am? I don't think 'll find the answer. But I don't care about that. One of the best things I find is to just keep myself busy. Like now i'm on the internet, replying to this thread, hoping i'm doing something helpful. Or other times I play games, get deep into the plot, start wondering about that. Start drawing something I see or in my head. Start an equation to some basic math. I'd recommend this if it works for you. But it is only a delay to the problem. I think you're suffering from major depression or some form of Schizophrenia. Though please don't take my opinion to heart, i'm a 17 year old who's never really met another Schizophrenic, i'm not really an expert. I would seriously say, try telling a consultant or doctor, someone who may be able to refer you to specialist. Talk about everything you've said here and i'm sure they'll give you help. I wish you the best in the future on this, my friend. Whether you take my advice or not, if you ever want to talk, send me a PM or something. And if you don't give a ****, that's cool too!
Exactly. I can't tell whether if my feelings, whether I can express them or am hiding them, are really what I'm feeling. I studied Schizophrenia a little in my Psych course, and it doesn't seem that way to me. Never occurred to me it could be that. Depression sounds more like it, but from what I studied about that, I don't get depressed anywhere near long enough to be classified as clinically depressed. I have no time. I'm studying for my last two finals, which I can't make up if I miss, and I'm way behind on my paper. Then I need to clean and be moved out of my dorm by Thursday for the break. My family's too old fashioned and, as I said, too hard to talk to. I don't think I'll be able to explain this to them. My town's too small and doesn't have a good counselor I can sneak off to, but I'm planning to find out. I plan on using the break to not think about this at all until I get a chance to talk to a counselor which might not be until the 20 of January. Doesn't sound mean at all, that's what I'm thinking about doing. And I would never commit suicide. I can never be that desperate or selfish to just off myself like that. As a kid, I realized how easy suicide could be, but 1)I'm too much of a coward to do it, 2)Not desperate or selfish enough to do it, 3)It'd make more problems then solve them.
I want you to go get the counseling. Don't think about it, just go. What it seems like to me is that you're thinking too much and over-analyzing things. And I say that because I do the same thing. But you have to stop thinking so much. A lot of people don't know what they want to do. Some people end up going to college and studying something just because someone told them they should. I'm incredibly proud of you for even being in college, and you're insanely smart. I really think it's one of those things you have to push through right now. Not everything is going to be interesting, unfortunately. Seriously that's my excuse now for the majority of the things we're doing in school, just so damn boring and I don't care about it. English is my best subject and I have a D in that class because we're doing a unit where we pretty much have to write a shitload of essays and I wouldn't mind but I don't give a damn about what we're talking about. The importance of school and stuff. And honestly, I'd rather be writing about how corrupt I think the school system is and researching holes in the "oh-so-perfect" curriculum. But it's one of those things I have to deal with. In your case, what I'd attempt doing when you're bored out of your mind is paying attention, staying away and trying to connect it to something interesting. I don't know exactly what you're being taught, but in my case where we're talking about boring essays I don't care about, to make it interesting for myself I've connected it to everything wrong and the complete opposite of what he's supposed to be teaching me. And for everything he's been talking about, it's become a bit more interesting since I've connected it to something. If there's no connection, there's no way you're going to listen and pay attention especially if it's just boring in general. Also, you might want to keep your laptop at home unless you really need it. It's distracting you, and I know it'd distract me too if I had a laptop in class with me. It's hard for me to work when we have laptops to type things and research projects. I think you should leave it home, or just not open it. And you have to just push through and try your hardest to focus and connect. Don't think about it, it's just something you have to do to get through the majority of school. Another thing you just have to do. As bullshit as it is. Maybe you should make a schedule for yourself. I mean, seriously. Just sit down and think of a time to do homework, a time to study and a time for free-time. And follow that schedule. Hell, tape it to your laptop. Just follow through, make sure you're comfortable when you're studying or doing homework and maybe listen to music but I think it'd help to organize a time to do it. Just try it for me? Even for a day? Just follow a schedule you made for yourself and include everything in it. When you'll wake up, shower, food, classes, studying, free-time, homework. It'll be a step to a plan and the more organized you are, the less you really have to think about things and chose what you're going to do. Because between schoolwork and the Internet, naturally you'll probably pick Internet. And maybe try to set up a time to talk to your teachers, seriously, about your work. That worries me. You need to be eating. Your roommate can't order a pizza or something every once and a while? Maybe you should go talk to someone about that, the counselor or something. I'm sure they could help you get a job or sign you up for something that could help provide food. And I'm sorry about the intervention. That must've been hell. And I think counseling might help with that too, the negative problem. If you seriously can't eat, then drink something when you feel that way. But try to eat when you can, even if you don't feel like it and you know you need food. Honestly, you need to be healthy. And the healthier you are, the more natural that'll become to you and it might get a little easier to eat, even when you're not feeling good. You need to eat whenever you can. Once again. I don't want you to think so much. Some people do have trouble expressing themselves. But emotion is almost like impulse. When you feel emotion, act on it. Don't take the time to figure out what it is, just act on it. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel angry, bust a cap. I don't know. But you have to exercise your emotions. If you're having trouble expressing yourself, I can't just tell you to act on it, can I? Try doing something that makes you feel. Even if it's just watching a sad movie, with characters you can somewhat relate to. Or even a funny one. Or reading a sad book, and allow yourself to feel for the characters, get wrapped up in it. Or write something yourself. One thing I end up telling people a lot is that I truly believe the majority of sadness is anger and frustration. Think about the things in your life that you're angry about, and if it helps, just go off about it. You can write something like this, and release it. You don't have to show anyone or tell anyone about it. But I think if you sat down and wrote about something you're seriously pissed about, something you can't forgive, something eating away at you that resurfaces from time to time, you'll probably end up crying. And I mean if you seriously put yourself into what you're typing or venting about. And I think if you had a nice, good, long cry and vent about EVERYTHING you'd feel so much better. The same for laughter. If you see something funny, even if you think it's stupid or you don't want to laugh, laugh. A good laugh can be just as relieving as a good cry. Do things that make you feel joy. Even the tiniest bit. Call someone up, just to talk and laugh, webcam with someone who makes you smile, draw silly pictures on MSN's handwriting thingy. Anything. Just release something. The more your exercise your emotions, the easier it'll be to access them and identify what you're feeling. Sweetie, you have to get a job. You can't just float through life. You're reminding me of a friend, who refused to get a job for the longest time simply out of laziness and thinking he'd hate every minute of it. Well, he's got a job because I made his ass get one. And he actually comes home from work, calls me, and tells me what a great day he's had. You should start looking for a job, even one as similar as you can find to your old one. But you need a job. With a job comes money, and the more money you have the more you'll eat and ultimately the better you're going to feel about yourself. It might even motivate you more. Or the people you work with might inspire you to try a bit harder in school and such. I think it would be good for you. And you need a car. So you can go out and do something. I want you to go job hunting before I do it for you and just start sending you random links of jobs I think might be good for you around there. And I WILL do it. =P And the sleepiness thing. I think that's depression. You need to get out and get some fresh air and just live life. I'm glad about you being saved. Everyone's religious devotion differ. I think you might feel closer with it if you did go to a couple Bible studies. And I think you'd feel better. As for the girl part, right now it would be best to focus on yourself. Love yourself before you love someone else. That's where thinking too much comes in. Stop thinking so much. You have to, it's going to eat you alive. If you feel something, don't second guess it, just feel it. And if you don't know how you feel, talk to someone. Tell them what happened, and that you don't know how you feel. And I'm sure they'll help you figure it out. The world and life isn't designed for people to float through it alone. And you're not alone. Just reach out to people more, don't think about it, just do it. If you think about it, you'll stop yourself from doing it. It matters to you, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this and it wouldn't bother you in the least. Try not to indulge in smoking and drinking and instead force yourself to get up and do something productive. Try to focus on just getting your life together, doing positive things, figuring out your emotions, working more on school things. I know how it feels to be unmotivated. Just look for reasons. Look at what you want in your life. Money, a car, to get away, and think about the steps you need to get there. And if you need anyone, even if you don't feel like talking about it, I'm here for you. And if you need to just vent, maybe like I said before it would help for you to just write a crapload in a Word document. Even just to keep it for yourself. I luff you, Ramen-kun. <3
THe amount of things I don't know about myself is always so phernominal. I really just try to look on the positive side of things, whough they are few and far between. Probably boring but, I 'suffer' from a monotone voice in real life. Anything I say is met with an emotionless voice. A lot of the time people think i'm being sarcastic, which annoys me alot. It makes it hard for people to see who and what I am, even thoguh alot of the time I like it that way. Like I said, i'm not much of an expert on the subject. I learnt for a term about Schizophrenia and from personal research. Also, alot of the time mental illnesses are evolving and changing all the time, to the point where charactersitics or symptons seem to vary. I am/was (I say this because it's hard to tell) classed as 'Undifferentiated' type meaning simply I have some classical symptons of Schizo but some are not classically associated with it. The system's we use are outdated and really need to be checked over and improved as fast as they appear. Trust me when I say this, the later the leave it, the tougher it is to change yourself. This problem is affecting your whole life now and in the future. If you literally can't move from where you live to work, or study because of lack of motivation, something is seroiusly wrong. Take the first chance you get after all these exams and stuff. Ask any of your friends to help. The close friend you talked about, ask her to help you, by maybe going with you when you see a counselor. Go to a bigger town or a city close by where someone can help you. If you don't fight, you won't live, my friend.
well, when push comes to shove, you can always get into Job Corps, or join the service in the Air Force or the Naval Forces if you feel that you can't get anything right. Take me for instance, I mean I had plans to get into College, but it's just that I wasn't being given the right guidance on how to prepare myself for College or what I wanted to do with my life until I was pulled into Job Corps just now. I mean if my parents have talked to me about Job Corps when I was 18 from the beginning instead of wasting time trying to find some alternative ways for me to take care of myself while I am in college, then maybe it would have different for me.
I talked about this with you already, but we mostly just discussed the school situation. I just wanted to add something real quick. As for sorting out what you feel and don't feel, Jayn said it best: Don't second-guess your feelings. Hesitation can bring you down in a lot of ways. You can take one of two roads here. On the one hand, you could just roll with whatever you feel and let that be who you are; if you like it, let it be, and if you don't, try to influence it. On the other hand, remember that humans are gifted with this magnificent little power called metacognition: We can analyze our own thoughts so thoroughly that we forget what we're actually thinking about. Use that to your advantage and feel whatever you want. Just because you decide what to feel instead of spontaneously getting a feeling doesn't mean it has no meaning; on the contrary, it means even more. If you do this and it works, you'll basically be able to control your emotions perfectly; if you try it and it doesn't quite work, then it must be because you have some natural emotions that are getting in the way, and that's how you'll know what you're really feeling. Yeah, it's really confusing. @_@ But I hope that helps. Glad my little pep talk from before helped, at least.
i really agree with what jayn and peace-and-war have to say. i also like to add that it seems like you're depressed. i think it would do you much good to get some sort of job, it not only gives you money but i found that a job does give you some feeling of self-worth which SHOULD elicit some sort of emotion (such as pride). or it could be a hobby or joining a club at your school. and if you're lucky you might find a mentor who can help give you some direction and advice. it sounds like you're someone who is constantly being forced to do things you don't want to do, so i think you should find something you really do like doing and do it. anyways, i think that's all i have to add, i hope that helps and hope you can overcome this. best of luck.
