I barely even know how to start this. I guess I'll start by saying I hate myself. Usually. Sometimes I'm okay with me, but I usually hate myself. I want to kill myself. I've only told one person, but I want to kill myself. Recently, I've started cutting myself. I even tried to overdose on pills not long ago...I ended up not doing this because I found out the exact combination of pills I was going to use can cause serious liver failure and I thought that'd be too slow, and probably painful. As of the past two years it's been reflecting into my choice in music listen and writing/recording habits. I listen to a lot of music about suicide, depression, etc. and most of my music has faint references to how I feel about myself and life in general. I have a pretty low self esteem as well. I have no confidence in myself or in any aspect of my life aside from music, but the lack of confidence in other areas sort of hinders my confidence there as well. I'm afraid to talk to people about my issues. Afraid to the point where I've been wanting to make this thread for two years, maybe more. I just want to die and not have to worry about life. Everything is stressful, and I feel like no one cares about me. All I've ever wanted is to have someone who loves me. Someone I can trust, and who will be there for me and who understands me, down to the insanity that is my music. Which brings me to the fact that I've had my heart broken so many times that its actually effected how I behave and display emotion. I'm apathetic, cynical and sadistic. I don't care about anything. School, communicating with other people, anything. Except music. I feel like I don't need anything except musical success and someone who loves me. And I don't have either of those and I guess that's why I just wish I was dead. I enjoy seeing others suffer, like me. Whether it been in movies or real life. Fiction or reality, it doesn't matter. That brings me to the next part. My sense of fiction and reality is somewhat blurred. I've taken childhood fantasy of being a hero to whole new extreme. In my head, I'm like a God. I've been developing an entire alternate reality in my head since about 2nd or 3rd grade. It's like ****ing final fantasy times a billion with me as the star. I don't know if I'm just immature, insane, or if this is actually normal... And then, back to the whole heartbreak thing. First, it was 7th grade to like 10th grade with one girl. There was a break in 8th grade where I feel for my best friend...that didn't work. I got the whole "you're my brother thing". So then yeah back to the other girl. We were like best friends for a while. I helped her with all her crazy boyfriend issues, and some were really crazy. I was always there for her no matter what. One time she was even drunk and started texting me telling me she wanted to hook up with me and I didn't out of respect for her. But **** it. The point is, I hate myself and I hate my life and I want to die. But at the present moment, I don't want to kill myself. That much. I've been better about that as of late, but for a long time I did. I really feel like all I have is the music I write and record, and the "imaginary friends" of mine, for lack of a better phrase. I've tried the normal things people do to escape their issues like smoking weed and drinking. They're not that great. Enjoyable for a short amount of time, but they don't do it for me. I don't want any pity. Maybe some suggestions and what not but keep your pity to yourself. I just felt it was time to finally vent.
First of all, get all of the thoughts of committing suicide out of your head -- it's not going to solve anything; neither is cutting yourself. Not only that, but it's completely selfish. Regardless of how short or "cold" your relatives and friends are, the only thing committing suicide will accomplish is a bunch of sorrow. How do you think your relatives and friends would feel if you committed suicide for selfish reasons? Everyone has a purpose to the world, and when people commit suicide, they are just selfishly running away from their problems so they don't have to deal with their life -- well, unfortunately, that's just stupid, as there will always be problems in life. My suggestion is that you talk to a trusted relative or friend or counselor as soon as possible!
Getting it out is always the first step. I've never been in quite the hole you seem to be describing but I've dug myself pretty deep before, and I too had a lot of problems sharing my issues with people. I'd just bottle it all up. But even after just venting and letting it out I felt so, so much better. It's such a big step to take, asking for help, but that's the only way you're going to get it. And you should feel proud that you've gotten to this point. If what you want out of life is success in music and someone who loves you then you're lucky, not everyone can pinpoint their dreams like that. But you're never going to achieve that if you continue with self-destructive behavior and attempting to take your life. You're never going to have this chance again; you might as well take it. It's really not a lot to ask for--depending on your definition of success with music--and it's a reachable goal, either way. As for girls, well... some of them do ****** things to people and it's not okay. But we're not all like that, sometimes you've just got to take a leap of faith and take that risk. You're never going to find anyone if you don't. Moving on may not be easy and you should take all the time you need to deal, but sometimes you've just got to get right back on the horse and keep going. On the fantasy thing, well, it depends. As long as you don't allow it to effect how you act in reality then I don't think it's a problem, make it just daydreaming. You might just have a good imagination. Channel some of that into your music or a story or something. If things are to the point you are describing I really think it might be best if you find some professional help, what people say on here may help but there are some problems that we're just not qualified or able to fix, unfortunately. But I and I'm sure many others here are always happy to hear you out and offer whatever we can give. Keep in mind too that some of the best music comes from people who suffer. Other people can relate to their songs and their messages, and it can give them that feeling that they're not alone, that other people have been there and have gotten through it. Haven't any artists had that effect on you? And wouldn't you want to have that effect on someone else? Isn't that something to live for?
How relatives and such would feel is one thing that usually comes into my mind and stops me from killing myself. Usually. And it's not that my friends and family are "cold", it's the fact that I don't care too much about anything and I feel alienated from my 'friends'. Sometimes I feel I have a purpose, and I go through all this for a reason so I can achieve something, but other times I feel like there's no point. Sometimes I think that feeling of purpose is just part of the delusions of grandeur that I sometimes credit my "alternate reality" and cockiness in my music too. I don't trust my relatives enough to talk to them about this and I don't want my friends to worry. And I don't want to see professional help.
Thoughts of committing suicide is a reason to seek professional help. Like Misty said, we can only do so much to help, but we're not professionals.
You make a good point, but sometimes I just doubt myself and my potential. I think it comes from the fact that most people around me doubt me. Especially my parents. My mom in particular. I feel like she thinks I'm just going to be a screw up. I guess you're right. I guess I just have to be more confident about it all. When I am confident in myself things seem to go well, but I'm not confident often enough. I gotta work on that. Done. I've got two whole albums about my crazy fantasies and then some. I guess I've just been worried about if it somehow started effecting reality but as of now it doesn't too much. For now, I'll stay away from professionals. Still too scared to tell my parents, or a doctor or anything like that. Three artists in particular have had that effect on me. One who has become one of my best friends, one who I've had the pleasure of speaking to a few times because we share a lot of mutual friends and what not through music, and one who I recently started listening to. And that is something I'd love. To have that effect on someone, to the point where listening to my songs makes them feel as if I'm one of their closest friends. I know, but I just don't want to see a professional. Can't even say exactly why, I just don't.
Professionals can help and hurt in many cases. A lot of the time what ends up happening is the focus will be that what you are doing or thinking is wrong and the problem I have with that is well that isn't true at all simply because you are being human. Plus nobody is going to take advice from someone and actually use it if all they are saying is I am right and you are wrong. People don't change their ideas or how they act/think simply because someone is telling them to. The only person who can change you is yourself because unless you want to change it won't be done. When I say "want to change" people usually think well of course they do because nobody likes to die just because. People always have their reasons and always have something to back that up and unless you have a reason to think otherwise nothing will happen. This is an internal conflict so this is your fight and no one else's. Things like this can pass but a lot of the time it isn't easy or "fun". Just stay strong and you will get through it.
I think sometimes the easiest thing to do is to find the flaws about yourself, which you learn that you feel like you have no purpose in life and that living isn't worth it. It sucks that you are going through this. Obviously, you know the choice of killing yourself isn't the best. I really do believe that you and your talent can take you far. You need to push yourself. Girls.. honestly at this point you don't really need them. Some girls can be silly like that and hell they can be stupid at time. Like Misty said, we're not all like that. It just takes time to fine the ones who won't do this ****. Having fantasies aren't the worst thing because that is where you want to see yourself. When it becomes a reality that means you've reached your goal. Since you don't want to go see a counsellor or psychiatrist. If you want, you can start off with the school counsellors, that is what they are there for. They won't judge you they will try to help. If they aren't doing anything for you.. then you should actually see help. Honestly, one of the bravest things you can do is actually force yourself that there is a problem and you want to fix it no matter how much it's scary.
I know you don't want to seek help, but it might be the best thing for you. I just went through the most painful thing I'll ever go through in my life, and I came very close to commiting suicide, but instead of doing it, I went and got help. I take a light dose of medication, and it helps, maybe only a little bit at the moment, but in time, things could look up again. It's hard to go and seek help, it can be scary, and you may not have faith in it, but it's still around for a reason, it's because it does work. As far as love, I don't know. I found someone I loved, that loved me back, but things didn't work out, and I can tell you that the pain is probably the worst thing someone can go through. So yeah, take a chance if you want, but be realistic, and don't go looking for something like that, because it can be foolish to make finding love your top priority. It's good you have music though, I quit because I can't stand my own music. It's not always about people liking your music, or making money from it, sometimes the best satisfaction comes from loving your own music. I don't if that made sense, I just relate to you, a lot.
That's why I don't want to see a professional. I don't think listening to the whole "No, you're wrong. This is right" method will work for me. Pushing myself has been harder this summer. I feel like skill wise, I've improved a lot but I feel as if success wise, I've been almost standing still. It's just stressful. I don't see myself making it where I want to be sometimes and that's the only thing in life I even care about doing. My fantasies aren't even realistic. If they became real I'd honestly be a bit scared. I go to a christian school, and as much as I have no problem Christianity (It's been extremely helpful with my situation, I've met some great people with great advice for me), at my school people are too judgemental for my liking and I feel like the first thing the counselor would do there is tell me I'm the spawn of Satan and seek professional help. I doubt I'll ever be able to bring myself to looking for professional help. I'm just the type of person that hates asking for help in any way, shape or form. Even in school, in the classes I struggled in teachers didn't think I cared because I didn't ask any questions. I just hate depending on others. And love...I doubt I'll actually go looking for it, at least for now. Too insecure. Can't even talk to the girl I like, which I hate but sometimes I think it's for the best. Takes out the whole risk factor of getting hurt. And about music, that makes sense. I could never not like my music and if I do, I quit listening to it or delete it halfway through recording. I love my music. It's like my friend. Kinda saddens me that you quit, but I understand. I'll never forget how much you helped me out when I was starting.
I know somewhat of how you feel. My advice is to be decisive about it. If you want yourself dead, make yourself dead. If you believe that change will only happen in the negative direction, then I see no reason to stop for you. If you do not want to die, then stop feeling like you want to die. Focus on what is interesting in reality, find others who see it as equally interesting. People exist who see the same things you see. Finding them is fun, at least to me. I see life as interesting even when saddening, that is why I am still alive. I am depressed more rarely than I am happy, but I feel like this when I am. Life is not worth the hassle it brings. Reality... Is such a tediout reality. I would rather be dreaming. Funny, to me... Because I am dreaming, really. Surreality hitting me as I type this, heavily. Not happy... Just... So... Happy. What is this happy? Such a strong, intriguing feeling. Sorry, incoherency. I cannot adequately describe what I am feeling. But that is not interesting to you, is it? We are not here to talk about me... Perhaps you will learn something from observing me regardless. Stay happy. Music does help me, you should onto anything that makes you happy... That makes you see a happier reality just by listening to it. Surreality...
I'm not much for giving advice but, It seems to me like people put you down for being somewhat radical in thought and action. I used to hide myself from people because I got flak for the sorts of things I said or hinted at. As I open up more and more though, It's hard, but I can accept myself then. I'm being the real me and not conforming to what they want me to be. The more I open up, I find more and more people like me though. So if you love music and recording, then don't be pressured into doing other stuff you don't need because people think it's best for you. If you really want something, you'll learn how to make it happen. Keep working on your skills in that as much as possible. It can be a rough start but if you stick through with it even during tough times you gain respect and credibility. It's a cruel weeding out process but it separates the genuine article from the flakes jumping on a bandwagon. So, as cliche as it sounds, grit your teeth, stand up and tell the haters to **** off. For the record, if you have any of your stuff online, I'd like to listen to it. Edit: OBTW, if you want some inspiration, go look at David Choe's work and read some about him. That guy does what he wants, no matter what the societal impact on him is.
You both seem to be saying something similar. Be me and do what the **** makes me happy. Which is what I've been starting to do as of late...it seems to be working. I'll look into that David Choe guy, too. I think I've heard of him. And you can browse around compl3xx.bandcamp.com and hear my ****. Most of it is from last year, but it's still pretty coolio I guess. Some new stuff should be up there in a couple weeks.
Swag. Fav'd, I was impressed by the beats, You also replicated the beat from Milkass pretty well, your flow on that song is also one of the best out of the four tracks you got up there also. Yeah definitely keep it up dude, you got talent, get the word out, work on a full album with a theme, some of the GFX guys here and myself would happily work on doing cover art and what not.
I feel a bit late in responding to this thread but... Here goes. While I took leave from KHV, I had very, very similar problems (most of which are still going, but that's not the point). Although, not with music, love, and fantasy - more like writing, love, and fantasy. Starting with the creative aspect, I've listened to your music ever since you put Space Cartel on here a while back, and really look up to you for how good your stuff is. However, I know about there always being a sense of never getting anywhere with what you've done. I agree with you saying you've improved over time, and can also see how little you've been able to expand outwards. Waiting for a break is the worst. Silly as it may sound, have you tried doing any live stuff around your town? I know many a poet who's made good by going to slams and rapping for other shows. Even finding a street that you can freestyle around can really up productivity and also improve your skills even more. With love... That's a hard one. It really is. I'm a few years younger than you I think (going into sophomore year of high school), but I'll be damned if I haven't been through cutting and suicide attempts over the past two years because of emotional drama over that I still believe to be love. In the most serious times I broke down and talked to my friend. I've found that the best things I do at that time, though, are to push that rage and sorrow into my own art, writing. It doesn't quench, but it quells. And then fantasy. While I don't understand your mind, and won't claim to, I do feel like a good deal of it is "normal" - especially for an artist, creating these worlds that scare us while still being an escape is almost like becoming your muse, in a sense. Is your world more of an internal thing, does it include hallucinations, or is it mainly hallucinations? In any case, don't abandon your fantasies. I'd like to know a little more about it, if you don't mind. A bit for comparison, really. Finally, as for professional help and whatnot... It's not easy to ask for it. No one wants pity, or to admit that they need help. But, if nothing else, try to find someone online that you can talk to. To blow steam with. One of my best friends I actually met because she was asking for help online, and it ended up being that to date I've stopped her suicide three times. She's stopped cutting, and has improved her happiness. Just being able to talk to someone about her life and issues helped so much. Although I don't know you well at all, I'm around, even. If you feel you're ready or want to talk to a pro, then don't hold off. Go for it. It's helped so many people I know, and it might help you, too.
I cannot speak on the relationship/love aspects as I am a bit out of practice with those perhaps by my own choices. But I'm not hurting because of it. Least from my skewed perspective of things. Anyway, your fantasies are for the most part normal. I have an over-active imagination and I find it helps for writing. I write stories and perhaps your fantasies work in your music. I would venture that there are other musicians out there that have built entire stage personas out of their imaginations. Take David Bowie for example. You might feel like you're at an impasse and that also is normal for the majority of human beings at some point in their lives. They feel like they're not going anywhere or at a dead end. In the state of the world we're presently in, I think this is going to be more common. I have been in that state of mind too when I graduated college and started working retail. And being truthful, I have felt like killing myself on more than one occasion. However, a few aspects of my personality would not allow me to take such a cowardly way out of my problems. Especially not before I finish this novel I'm working on. There's also one of them that won't allow me to seek professional help for my emotional problems. Preferring instead that I deal with them on my own. It's complicated. We've never really gotten along in our history on this forum have we? I suppose that's mostly my doing.
I have 17 "projects" ranging from EPs to Albums...getting the word out is the only real issue ahaha that and maybe cover art work. I could always use help with that. I go out and freestyle at parties a lot and do as many open mics as I can find that fit into my schedule. I guess that helps but eh, I want more. Patience is all I can have for now I guess Also, HOLY **** SPACE CARTEL THATS OLD AS CRAP AHAHA Most of my best musician friends came in contact with me AFTER that so I never hear about it these days lol I agree with you there. Putting into an artistic medium helps a lot. That's how I got started with music, I wrote poems and raps and posted them here and people liked them enough for me to actually pic up a microphone and give it a shot. I've never found something that felt so right to me. I just hope it all works out in the end...music, love, all of it.
