Help..?

Okay, I really didn’t know if I should have posted or not...I guess I just need to vent my heart out really.

Like I said in one my previous threads in this section (Man…I have three threads here..just proves how sad I am ><) I really don’t feel comfortable eating anything at all I basically don’t eat anything now –unless I’m forced too-, I rarely feel hungry and just the smell of food is enough to make me run to the bathroom and throw up. Some girls still look and say stuff about my body weight e.g. in P.E class on Thursday or Tuesday (my memory sucks) I forgot the socks we have to wear with our PE kit so I had to run around without them thus reveling my legs even more I heard some of the popular girls talking about me, one of them said I look like a whale then laughed and said some other things I rather not mention. I try not to think about what people say about me but I can’t help but care what they think, Today I tried on a pair of jeans (size 8/6) And they were too big for me mom being mom said I need to put on more weight which made me feel like running to the bathroom and puking (No, I don’t force my myself to be sick, it’s just the thought or smell of food makes me gag)

Also lately I’ve had thoughts of suicide and cutting. Yes, I’ve cut before. Whenever something upsets me my thoughts get louder and louder until I reach for something sharp. Yes, I’ve tried talking to somebody ( a school counselor) but she betrayed my trust in a way, by promising not to tell anybody then blurting it out to all my teachers so they all act super nice and kind to me and treat me different from everybody else which just pisses me off, then she told my mom ( she then had a row with me saying depressed people don’t speak about their problems etc and said if she hears about me talking about cutting or anything along those lines she wants nothing more to do with me) So I can’t really go back to the counselor or talk to anybody else at all. I just feel as if everybody else will be better off if I just go away, I find myself in the centre of my parents’ divorce the moment both acting as if I’m some of prize to be won; if my dad get’s me to stay with him then that means he’ll also get custody of my other siblings he always stops me in the street(or whenever he sees me) and gives me a guilt trip on how much he misses me and the kids then when I get home and tell my mom about it she also gives me a guilt trip reminding me how much hell he put her through etc. It’s just like can’t win at all no matter how hard I try. I’ve also been confused about my feelings for people lately; I’ve sort of messed up bad by telling a boy I liked him then changing my mind(ish) leaving him upset and all his friends to hate me. My relationship with my friends really don’t seem to exist anymore none of them seem to knowledge the fact I’m there unless they need something from me I’ve tried to spark a conversation or crack a joke to get them to notice but it didn’t appear to work . I just feel as if I’ll be easily replaced if I do just disappear…And that nobody would really miss me. Basically I'm a huge screw up..

Any help/advice is much appreciated, thank you<3. Sorry for the long read/if I wasted your time if you read this..

 

Well for your first situation, it is recommended that you do eat. I know of someone who is going through a similar situation, and trust me: The only solution is to eat. Whether it be grains, vegetables, meat, or any of your favorite foods, go ahead and try it. It is the mental thought of the food in your system which is making you feel sick, the thoughts of "will I puke?", "will this taste different" , etc. etc.
Let those thoughts go, relax and ease your mind, that is the first healing factor.
If this continues, then I highly recommend you consult a doctor, psychiatrist, or something of the like.

As for your social status, DO NOT cut yourself anymore. I've been there, done that, and the result is the thoughts of suicide.(Luckily for me, I've only cut once.)
Do not commit suicide, what will you gain? Nothing. What will you lose? Life. The best thing to do is relax, look at life differently. Try not to focus too much on the serious and negative points, and look at the positive points:
-I have a purpose
-I'll one day make a living from doing something I enjoy.
And such ^
As for your social status, I do agree with what the counselors did, just ignore that and move on. Appreciate that the teachers are treating you nicely, but try to avoid them as much as possible.
Do not pressure yourself and think you are the cause of the divorce between your parents, remember that most divorces happen when two do not get along, or one does not do as they're supposed to and the other parent decides to divorce. You were not the thing that came between them that allowed them to divorce, do not let that bother you.
Your friends seem to be the type to turn on you in an instant. Ignore their behavior, and form your new network of friends and stick with them. What I would recommend in the future is to time when you tell something, and take into major consideration who you tell it to. Find new friends, there's many, who share the same interests as you(make sure they are in your grade) and you will begin to feel more noticed.

Remember that there are people you can talk to on KH-Vids, and no that does not make you a loser at all, self-expression is key to taking advice.

Hope this helps a little..

 

I'm really sorry kellyjelly that you have to go through all of this.

Parent's divorce is always hard on their children and I hear a lot about people getting depressed through a divorce.
School councelors can never be trusted (as you have figured out) and that is why I never went to one when I was depressed.

You can always PM me if you wanna talk.

 

First of all, thank you for replying.
I know not eating is not healthy, I’ve tried to relax and not think about like you said but I found it quite difficult. If It counties I’m going to tell somebody..
As for the cutting; I’ve tried not to do but again I found it very difficult, I knew it’s bad and I want to stop it but like I said (I know this gunna sound stupid, I suck at explaining things) my thoughts do get louder and louder till I drowned them out with equally louder music or grab something sharp. Sometimes I DO feel like I’ll gain something if I do commit suicide, I’ll get away from it all, I wouldn’t have to put with crap from old friends, bullies and just everything crap. I haven’t done what you suggested looking at the positive things; thinking about things such as you’ve suggested e.g. I have a purpose it slightly makes me feel better, thank you.
I’ve sort of moved on from the counselor but all the teachers I have seem to be like ‘Watch out for anything that hurts Kelly and destroy it mode’ it ticks me off because they treat me differently from all my other class mates which just makes me feel even more like a outcast.
I know I wasn’t the cause of my parents wanting to divorce –I least I don’t think I was- It’s hard, very hard, they both want divorce but they have to rub in it in each other’s faces whenever one of them gets attention from me or they demand to know if I have any gossip about each other. I’ll try my best to ignore it but it might be hard..
For my circle friends; I find it quite hard to socialize with new people mostly because my voice but I’ll try or ask them if I did anything wrong to upset them.

Again thank you, it means a lot and yes you did help.

Thank you for your understanding :)

 

Your counselor and teachers are failures at their jobs, they failed to put themselves in your position and respond accordingly; failed to understand you. I understand that the 'special treatment' they're attempting only makes you feel ostracized from the rest of the student body and the fact that they're only trying to help makes it worse because they're failing badly. I say that you confront them about how you feel, they'll listen if they really earned their occupation. As with any negative-oriented cravings, which I have struggled with myself, I suggest that you find something or someone to hold onto; to be strong for. You already tried to confide in someone and that failed, but you could always try an object that you can cling to for the strength of will you need. It doesn't have to be strictly religious, anything symbolic that you gave or can give meaning to will be fine. Your world's crashing down, it's hard to believe in anything.... but you're stronger than you know. The only one who controls your life is you, a life that can do anything you will it to. That's tremendous power, you know, and you are the only one who can really direct it in whichever direction you choose. I'm sure that everyone who has posted on this thread so far believes in you, and so do I. Be strong. ^_^

 

I'm sorry to hear about the divorce KellyJelly.

Anyway, the counsellor should have told you that if you did something that puts you or someone else in danger than they'd HAVE to tell someone, it's part of their job. You feel betrayed because they didn't tell you that so I don't blame you, you should tell the teachers they aren't helping by treating you differently, I know how this feels and I can't stand it. Just tell them to treat you normally, hopefully they'll stop since they are trying to help.

I know how hard it is to refrain from self harming but be strong, these things are hard to overcome but you can do it. Everytime you hear that voice, yell back at it, tell it that it doesn't own you or you won't be overpowered by what it's saying, whatever the voice is saying isn't doing any good so you must fight it, it's your subconscious thoughts which will normally over think things wayy too much.

As for the eating, try to eat, no matter how much it makes you feel sick you should at least try. I know you realise it's bad and you're trying to stop so keep it up.

The way I dealt with my depression was to whenever I felt rubbish and my thoughts were spiraling downward I would say STOP to the thought trail, make myself my favourite meal and sit down and watch something that you know will make you laugh e.g. a comedian/funny film. Don't watch something sad or something which has bad memories, a comedy will really lighten your mood. If you don't have access to a film then just say STOP to the thought trail and focus your mind on the positives, for example, you have friends and family who love and care for you, sometimes the tiniest event can make us overthink things way too much turning it into something that makes you feel alone. You have so many friends here who care for you and we're always here for you. Just, whenever you feel like crud just ask yourself "If I could do anything in this world right now, what would it be?" and go do it.

As for the divorce, I can't emphasis much here but I will say this, your parents actions, even though they are causing you great distress are actions of wanting your love and affection. Yes, they shouldn't be fighting over you like that, they should be more understanding of how you're feeling. Talk to them, they probably don't realise they're hurting you (otherwise they wouldn't be doing it).

I hope this helped, and trust me no one who reads this will think you wasted their time. Anyway, you can PM me whenever I really don't mind, and I don't know how much it means to you, but you are in my prayers.

 

It is always in my best interest to help someone in need. I always offer my assistance and advice to others (even though few have written to me :/ ). If you or anyone you know on here needs someone to talk to, I'll always be here to help.

 

I don't really have anybody or anything to hold on to or to look too for comfort/strength.Maybe one person who I call My 'Axel' (Lame, I know) but I really don't want to bother her, she's already worried about me enough and she has her own problems....But thank you. I feel if I do confront them and ask them to stop then there'll just be plain horrid to me then posbbily get worried and yet again make me go to the school counselor. Thank you for your advice, I'll try to be strong, thank you again.

It's okay, my parents have been separated for three years now and the divorce is also taking the same amount of time I'm hoping it will all be done with this year though then it will be one less thing to worry about. I've tried to speak to my Dad about how I and My older brother (who his also pressured into talking to my mum about him wanting to see our younger siblings) feel about what his doing but he just blanked me completly as for my Mum..I havn't really talked about it to her, I don't want to bother her she has too much on her plate already.

Thank you for the advice on how to lighten my mood, it really does help I'm doing what you suggested at the moment by watching one of my favorite movies. But I don't know what I'm going to do when it ends..Haa, guess I'll face it when that time comes.

Once again thank you, I don't really like to sound like I'm whining though so I don't like to pm people but thank you, it means alot..

 

Wow. What a lot of problems. Let's examine them one by one.

Right up front: you dislike your weight. You feel that you are too large, and your peers' opinions only seem to back this up. Your solution to this problem is to eat less, which seems to have developed into anorexia. Whether or not it's actually anorexia nervosa remains to be seen. The solution is to instead work on exercising, and eating healthily, instead of eating less. The important thing is that you don't stop eating, or take eating less to be a long-term solution. While eating less will drop your weight, it's not maintainable. So instead, cut soft-drink out of your diet, and instead drink water or low-fat milk, for example. Don't munch on celery for all meals of the day, but just eat healthily. If your aversion to eating is due to gaining weight, if what you're eating doesn't put on weight, then surely you shouldn't mind eating it? In some cases, having an aversion to certain foods is a good thing. Disliking McDonald's can be seen as a good thing. Disliking a healthy BLT sandwich, on the other hand, definitely isn't healthy.

You've also experimented with cutting. Let me say this: Pain isn't the answer to pain. It may take your mind off it, but it isn't solving your problems, or lessening the pain. It's just distracting you by adding physical pain to the emotional. That doesn't help you. Instead, channel that energy and effort into DOING SOMETHING to fix what's bothering you, or if you can't do that, direct it into something productive. Go walking. Pick up a hobby. Anything. I suggest walking, because it's not strenuous, it gets you away from other problems, and it's exercise, which will reduce weight. Also, you can listen to stuff while walking, such as music or an audiobook. These are also distractions, but they're healthy ones that decrease your pain, or at the very least, don't add to it.

Onto your next problem: You've said "I just feel as if everybody else will be better off if I just go away". Firstly, fuck everyone else. Your life is about satisfying yourself, not pleasing others. You are the centre of your world, so act like it. There's nothing wrong with fighting to get the best life you possibly can. Don't ever place more value on someone else's happiness than your own.

Secondly, you're wrong. I'm not repeating the usual crap about, "I'm sure there's someone who loves you." You've supplied the evidence yourself. You're what your parents are fighting over. Your father could drop all contact and start a new life, but instead he opens up old wounds of his in custody battles, fighting because to him, you significantly enhance his life, and make him happy. When he stops you on the street, he's genuinely telling you that he misses you. Why else would he try to get you back, if he didn't truly love you? To say that everyone would be better off without you is to disregard his efforts and feelings towards you and your siblings.

Now that we're on the topic of the divorce, let's continue along that route. From the small window into your life that you've provided, I would suggest choosing to go with your father. It doesn't matter what he's done to your mother. Remember, you are to look out for Number 1, yourself. Also, bearing the grudge of your mother isn't fair on your father. He's not perfect, and he may have been, and may still be cruel towards her. However he genuinely cares for you, and that's the important thing. Your mother, for all her good traits, is not the best option for you right now. Your mother has said herself that she's not willing to deal with your problems. Remember, "she wants nothing more to do with [you]" if you try discussing your worries with her. She has refused to supply the support you need at the moment, and that is why your father is a better choice. It doesn't matter how nice your mother is, or how horrid your father has been to her; you are contemplating suicide, and your mother has said she wants no part in it. Let me restate that. You are in a life-threatening situation, and she has told you outright that she won't help you. Why should you care about her grudges or hatred? Your objective is to live, to survive, to get the best life you possibly can. If your father can provide that, then go with him. You have no moral obligation to stand by your mother.

This is, of course, from my extremely restricted point of view, as I can only go off what information you've given me. If you were to provide more information, and suddenly say, for example, "My father abuses me", then my advice would change considerably.

On boy-troubles: You upset a guy by saying you liked him, then taking it back. That's had consequences for you, in the form of disapproval from his friends. Sort out your feelings for him, explain them to him, and plainly give him an answer. Don't leave him hanging. If you decide that you are not prepared to have a relationship with him, do all parties a favour, and leave no uncertainty. Don't leave a hope that "she may change her mind again" or that "she'll get over her issues soon." Acknowledge that you made a mistake that hurt him, and move on. This way, both of you receive closure, and any bad blood between you gets minimised. If you do wish to pursue a relationship, then make sure he's willing to stick around and help you through your problems, and that he won't bail.

Your relationship with friends is probably partially perspective-based. In other words, you're thinking pessimistically. Anything that's slightly negative is perceived as them brushing you off, while anything positive they do is 'just them trying to act normally around me'. You need to think more positively, and try to view their actions in a a less negative light.

The thing with friendships is that you have to make an active effort to keep them working. If you just sit back and let them arrange everything, then you'll naturally get pushed to the outside of the circle. Organise a trip to the cinema, or something like that. It may be easier to focus on building relations one at a time, instead of all together. It helps if you have a common interest with them too.

The part about nobody missing you is also incorrect. Many people here would miss you. Your father, siblings and mother would miss you. But that's not nearly as important as the fact that you live for yourself, not for other people. It doesn't matter if no one misses you, because you live for yourself, not for other people. You may be happier if others care about you, and that's fine, but you should never base your actions on what would be more convenient for others, especially if you think it'd be more convenient for you to kill yourself.

If you can't escape that mentality, and decide that you want to please others more than you want to please yourself, remember one thing: Funerals are a bitch to run, so have some consideration for your mother and don't make her go through the trouble. I imagine having you kill yourself would be a massive spanner in the works for her plans that night. :p

Also, you're not a failure on here. You've made many friends, and you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't enjoy reading your posts.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what we do, or how many walls of text we create. You need to want to improve, and you have to be willing to make an effort to break out of your situation. You're the one who has to take action; we can only tell you the best course of action to take. There's no button we can press to make your troubles go away, or give you an ideal life, but we can tell you how you can make that life yourself. No matter what help we give, you still need to be willing to try to seize the life you want.

EDIT: I swear it only looks this long because of the bolded font.

 

I’m already a fussy eater, so some (and only some) of the food I eat is considered unhealthy. I don’t think I have anorexia, but I’m aware if I carry on like this then it might develop into anorexia...but thank you for your concern. I’ll try some of the things you’ve suggested for my eating problem.

I think my Dad only wants me so he can gain custody of my younger siblings so he can keep the family home and it’s parking space for his taxi business, that’s all he wants. When my parents first broke up he didn’t bother to keep in contact with me or anybody else but when his lawyer told him he’ll be losing the house he suddenly wanted to know me again.. I cause stress of near enough everybody and this damn ‘I’m a prize to be won’ thing will go away if I do choose suicide. On the thought of who I should go with, I’m unsure. My Dad himself (from what I’ve learnt) was in depression when his brother committed suicide, when that happened he didn’t want to know if anybody else was feeling that way, he also said he wouldn’t care. I want both of them; I don’t want anybody to feel unhappy or lonely because of what I choose to do.
I have tried to talk to the boy, he just simply refuses to talk back to me, I’m going to try tomorrow and if he still refuses then that’s that, I’ll just hope and say we can be friends again in the future. As for my friends; I’ll admit I do tend to zone out and just agree with what everybody in the circle is saying but I’ll try to arrange to do things with them, I’ve tried to do this before but I soon chickened out and never asked again when none of the could make it to the original cinema day I had planned..
Ah “Funerals are ***** to run etc” That made me smile; I’ll try to keep that in mind I guess. I know that none of you have a button that will make all my problems go away and I really do appreciate the advice and on ways to improve my mood a lot, I’ll try I guess and hope.

Thank you for the advice Pika + everybody else who has posted.

 

If you ever need someone to talk to, about anything, I would be more than happy to be that person. I mean this. Sometimes we just need to talk to someone to let our hearts out, which can be a nice feeling. If you have MSN or anything like that, you can contact me, and I will hear you out. I like helping out, and I have before with a friend that I met via FB by talking. So please, if you ever need to talk, Im your guy.

 

I have to say, P is right. (omg, stop it P, you're scaring me)

As P said, your life is about satisfying you. You don't have to conform to anyone else's standards except your own. Especially if "anyone else's standards" are making you want to cause harm to yourself. If someone wants you to be thinner, you're not going to gain anything if you garner their approval. I guarantee you that no one thinks you "look like a whale". The person/people who said that get a sick laugh out of making people feel like ****, and I'm telling you to seriously not give a crap about what they say. And I know that's way easier said than done, but I can tell you as someone who still has to continually make an effort to not care, that it makes things so much better. As the saying goes, "those who matter don't care, and those who care don't matter." Hun, you may think that ending your life will make things better, but it only makes things worse for the people in your life who care about you. They're there, even if you may not think so. Death makes the bad things go away, but all the good things in life will be gone forever as well. Death isn't peace, it's just nothingness. The bad in life is worth living through to get to the good. Because trust me, it gets so much better.

<3

 

It sounds like you need confidence in yourself.

You need to remember that you are just as important as any other person and you ARE worth something. Those rude girls who are calling you fat, don't listen to them. Most people would kill to below a size 8. Don't worry about your weight, you probably look fine. A good way to get those girls off your case is just to basically snub them, honestly, they aren't even worthy of receiving a sideways glance from you. Walk with pride because you are beautiful and you don't need their approval to think highly of yourself.

The not eating complex will blow over. Eventually, one day you'll decide that enough is enough and you won't let anything get in between you and your well being.

Good luck.

 

I have a sister and a cousin like you who both think for some reason that they are fat. I honestly can't see why people are so crazy about weight. I am average I guess and if I gain a pound or two it's personally ok for me. You have to have the upmost confidence in yourself when dealing with other people. This world is a cruel one and you will learn that to survive you need to be just as commanding and cruel to those who deserve it. If someone calls you fat you call them anorexic or even better you can give a nice glare and rant to a friend out loud about people with no lives and nothing better to do then gossip like ugly hags... That's what I would do... Heh you don't seem the type so I say ignore and glare it always works!

As for the not being hungry problem well start small. If you think you're going to be sick distract yourself. Draw and eat a small snack or watch anime and eat a small snack, the more you think about eating the worse it gets so just don't think. Try to appreciate the fact that you can eat because eating is a form of survival that some people wish they could have. Most starve because they don't have a choice. Remember... You do have a choice.

I can understand the whole parent thing. I am always stuck in a fight with my mom dad and sister. Most of the time I have to be the one to fix the problem but I used to be the cry baby and now I am the one who stops the fighting. You can't rely on your mom. That's understandable. No mom wants to hear that their kid has some kind of problem. If you can't go to her then go to a trusted friend. Anyone really but not an adult they only make things worse...

Ummm lets see about the cutting and suicide. I don't ever find it a good way to find freedom or escape. It's a cowards solution. I have learned that there are so many more reasons for someone to be sad then just common problems. Some people live on the streets and they only think about living not giving up their lives. Others are dealing with war and loss of family. To give up is to never find out what your missing in life.

I hope that kinda helps....

 

Thank you all for the advice, I've read through the replies like ten times ('cus I'm sad like that) and I'm very grateful<3

But today, I just feel really low, I found out my friends have arranged a dinner farewell thing for a friend is moving back to Australia..I wasn't invited but they carried on talking about it, one even did a head count to see who was going then stopped at me and stared at me for ages still she said 'oh yeah' then moved on..Also saw ex friends, I got called a slag, marge simpson (because of my voice, I apparently sound like her) and other things have happened...I just really feel like utter crap/'nobody would miss me' mood... Advice on how I can boost my self esteem I guess. Help?

/sorry for venting..

 

Whenever I feel down, I do something I enjoy doing or that I'm good at. Writing, playing music, or just listening to music. Doing these things takes your thoughts off of you. Low self esteem is often accompanied by too much focus on one's self, so doing something that occupies your mind is going to help take your focus off of what is bothering you. You could do something that you've been meaning to do; not necessarily homework ('cause who honestly wants to do that), but a project or something similar.

 

What crappy 'friends'. If they don't care about you, you don't need to care about them. If you're putting emotional stock in people who don't care, then you're just hurting yourself. If they don't care about you, then you have no reason to care about them or their opinions.

As for the 'nobody would miss me' mood: It doesn't matter what others think. The most important thing is if you'd miss you. That said, people here would miss you. You don't get seventeen thought-out replies to a thread if no one cares about you. So you have people who care about you. All you have to do is value our opinions above those of your friends.

Boosting self esteem is difficult. Something that may help is the knowledge that you're doing something. So if weight is a concern, then make an effort to exercise and get rid of weight.