Have you ever been a part of something that you thought would never end?

And then, of course, it did.

Today Deathspank logged in and messaged me. One of the things he said (and I hope he doesn't mind me directly quoting him) was, "Can't believe you're still here after all these years." I stared at it for a few minutes, sitting in my car, checking my messages before I left school for the day. And all I could think was "yeah, but I probably won't be for much longer." It wasn't with sadness or anger or (too much) regret. And it wasn't a "wow, I can't wait to be rid of this place," either. I think it's something I've known for a while but haven't had it in me to commit to or admit. I'm caught between two feelings: first, that this is incredibly spontaneous. I didn't wake up this morning thinking I'd be doing this today, nor have I spent the last few days and weeks deeply pondering this move, drafting and revising this post. Yet, the thought has crossed my mind dozens of times recently, and sitting here and typing this feels like the final step to a journey I started over a year ago.

I love this site. I've grown up on and with this site. It's hard to think about what I or my life would be like without it because I spent my formative years here. The members of this site have been my friends and enemies and parents and partners for the last ten years. I've poured myself into so many projects and efforts through my time here as a staff member. ****, I almost bought the place. It hasn't always been a healthy relationship -- at times, I think I was too close to this site, too involved. I let it consume me. I didn't think about or do anything else and I hurt a lot of people here during those times. But I wouldn't trade these experiences for the world, and I don't know what I would be without this place. I joined as a mixed-up, unsure, insecure 11-year-old, who loved the Kingdom Hearts series and wanted to share that love with others. And I'm leaving, at 20, with a firm grasp on who I am and who I want to be.

It's just time. I mean that as in it's time for me, as everyone inevitably must, to go; I mean that as my reason for leaving, too. I just don't have the time. I'm a full-time student and will be for at least the next few years. I work part-time and I'm in a serious relationship. I have a rather large homework backlog, I'm a manager at my job and can't really take time off. I don't really even get to play video games much any more. Point being, I just don't have time to commit to this place any longer. But it's also "time" in the sense that I'm growing up. These aren't things that are going to change any time soon and, if given the opportunity, I'm not sure I would have them change. I'm happy with my life and where it's going, and I have to prioritize. I wish I could carve out time for this site because I truly do love it, I love the work I've done here, and I love spending time with you guys. But I don't want to be one of those people who sit in their staff positions without the time to commit to them, who just slowly stop logging in. I feel I have to come out and say -- for myself as much as for you guys -- that there are just other things in my life now that take precedent, other things I want to pursue. And it's time to finally make this decision.

On my drive home I thought about all the things I would want to say here but sitting here now typing this, I'm at a loss for words. But I'm thinking now that it's that there's not so much that needs to be said. My reasons for leaving are nothing mysterious or surprising; so many before have left for similar, if not identical, ones. And I don't feel I need to prove to you guys how much I love this place and how sad it is for me to let it go. I think you all know.

One thing I promised myself when driving was that I wouldn't do shoutouts. It's too cliche, I thought, and they feel too much like a goodbye, not to mention the guilt I'd feel when I (inevitably) leave important people out. But **** those reasons, I'm doing it anyway. Half of the people I'm listing here I doubt will ever read this, or read it in a timely manner. Some of them might not give a **** about what I have to say and I don't blame them, but here goes (in semi-alphabetical order).

@Calxiyn: It’s been so much fun doing the podcast with you the past year (or however long it’s been). Keep on posting those crazy KH theories, making videos, doing whatever, you’re such a sweet girl and you remind me every day of the love I had for the KH series.

@Chevalier: I hope you’re well. We were explosive and toxic together and we hurt each other a lot. But I wish you the best, and thank you for the good times.

@DPWolf: I’m sorry for all the **** that went down between us. I’m glad we’re on friendly terms nowadays, even if we don’t have much contact. Good luck with the wedding. I’m incredibly happy for you guys.

@Krowley: The two ways I’d describe you are open and easy to talk to, and those are probably the opposite impressions most people get from you. I’m not sure why, but you’re incredibly warm and a sweet guy and you’ve got great ideas and charisma. Keep doing those Xehanort impressions, and I look forward to you in the next Christmas video.

@Peace and War: I wasn’t ready but I wanted to try, for you. Ending things enabled us both to set off and I’m happy with where I’ve ended up. I hope you are too, and that you don't hate me too much.

@Plums: Alex, I love our casual antagonism. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing this without knowing that I’m leaving the site in the remarkably capable and responsible hands of you and Nick. Don’t hate me too much for not giving you warning.

@Roxas: Release some new music already.

@Sabby: I feel compelled to write something for you too here, but I think our last conversation on Skype cleared the air on so much that I’ve wanted to sort through with you for years.

@Sara: I can’t thank you enough. You’ve been like a mother to me all these years, guiding and protecting me. You got an unfair rap from some people all those years ago and I’ll fight anyone who tries to speak ill of you. Thank you.

@Scarred Nobody: It’s so important for me to list you here, even if we really never talked one on one that much. I remember the first posts you made on this site and watching you grow and change with me has been such an oddly meaningful experience for me. Hopefully I can donate some blood to you some day.

@libregkd: This isn’t goodbye or the end. I know it might feel that way, but I’m sure you suspected this was coming. I think I may have subconsciously been avoiding you these past few months because to you I’d have to admit how I was feeling and I wasn’t ready to do that. But I’m here for you, even if I’m not, well… on here all the time. Things don’t have to end and I’m not planning on letting them, as long as you’re not.


To the rest of you, there's plenty I'd like to say and I'm sure I will when y'all reply to this thread to tell me how distraught you are over me going. But overwhelmingly, it's thank you. Thank you for making the past ten years incredible and for supporting me and this site. And for listening to the podcast, too -- leaving that is probably one of the hardest parts of this. I've loved doing it and I'll miss it terribly. I hope you guys will have me on as a guest sometimes, so I can talk more about how much I hate Final Fantasy XV.

Thanks so much to the staff, too, both present and past. It's been a joy working with you all. I'll make arrangements to transfer all the accounts and everything over to you.

I will most definitely still be around here. Logging in here is like brushing your teeth, to me: you might miss a day or two sometimes, but most of the time it's just a habit you've come to accept as a part of your daily routine. But should you want to find me elsewhere, or get in touch with me, the best places are Twitter,my personal blog/website, hitting me up on Facebook messenger, or the other links in my signature. Since my time is so unreliable, email is actually a really nice medium for me

It's been a blast and I love you all.

It feels right.

 

Well, I'm only on most of the time because it's useful to keep up with news on Kingdom Hearts, and it passes the time somewhat. Still, to each their own

 

This has been my relationship with KHV for a while now.

It'll be weird seeing you without the bold, blue name. I'm not convinced that you won't be here FOREVER though. I don't want to be the only old timer (in terms of irl age and KHV membership) knocking around when I'm in my geriatric years..

 

I' m at a turning point in my life as well.
I' m waiting for an answer, but one way or another I' ll be a hell of a lot busier starting next month, not sure how much time I' ll have left to pop up here. Break a leg !

 

Best of luck with everything Misty. You know who to message when you feel need to chat with someone about star wars, especially KotOR.

 

Yo girl, pink looks good on you. I'm not sure if I have you on skype or not [ and i only talk to like 2 people anyway oops ]. But it's the best place to get a ahold of me.

I'll probably still be here by then.

 

I... I don't know what to say. I have noticed your reduced activity, which is sadly what happened with @Sanya until he finally made the decision to leave the staff, but I didn't think anything of it because of that conversation a long time ago when I had to get something off my chest--I'm sure you remember. While things obviously change, I remember you specifically saying that you were balancing college, work, video games, and KH-Vids work just fine, so...

Misty, you were one of my very first friends on here when I became regularly active on June 5, 2011. I wish we could have talked casually more like we did back when KH-Vids was still on vBulletin, which was practically every day, but back then you were still in high school or just finishing. I completely understand other responsibilities taking over. As of September 21, I'm in college again for my second quarter, and by looking at when I last updated my YouTube, you can see how busy I've been. (I finally got a chance to record on Monday--almost three hours worth--but did not get a chance to edit and save until last night. And I still need to upload the parts.)

Misty, I know you'll still be around, but I'll still miss you in a sense. It will be weird. In any case, other than here, you also have me on Skype, so please do not hesitate to hit me up every now and then to just shoot the **** or whatever.

 

Unless this place dies in 7 years, I'll be here, just because I don't really do forums much, or more than 1 at a time if I'm on one in the first place. Though I guess most people find it strange for a 21-year old to be on a forum for a video game; can't even imagine what it's like for those older then me.

Now that Misty's made this giant thread, everyone is going to hound her every chance they can in the next week. Misty, I highly recommend staying away from your internet

 

Ahhh Cassie... I don't even know where to start. I'm so happy for you & to see you pursuing your aspirations. Maybe this seems somewhat of a cliché -- but I wish you the best in everything, and all these years of working with you have been wonderful. Thank you.

I know we didn't talk the most, but I've really valued you as fellow staff and as a friend... I'll miss you on the team as I'm sure we all will. But even so -- I look forward to seeing you around the community, and if you want to get in touch with me, you know how. You are always welcome to.

How much you've done for all of us over the years, through all those crazy ups and downs, cannot be overstated... Not to mention all the memories forged along the way. Here's to many more as this new chapter begins, right? Take care. It's been an unforgettable journey.

 

Absolutely disgusting.

 

yo wtf you bounce when i'm not online? RUDE

I've lost my knack for being eloquent lately, so this is gonna be on the short end, but I'm gonna miss having you blue and bold. If I'm completely honest, I kind of suspected you were probably going to leave at some point or another, but when was a different story. It's been weird being your friend all these years -- I remember when we first started talking and were ultra nice to each other, and not even 6 months later we fell into our ~casual antagonism~, lmao. I have you to thank for...the entirety of my music taste, basically, and how invaluable that became to me over a few years. I've seen you grow and change and just become something more along with me & everyone else here through these years, and even if we didn't agree on every little thing (TerrAqua is terrible, Kelly is the real space girlfriend), it's something I wouldn't change for the world. I know you're going to be an excellent English teacher/whatever other degrees you collect like your Star Wars memrobilia, and I know you'll be great at whatever it is that comes next, you've grown so much and deserve it.

Feel free to get in touch with me whenever about whatever. Whether for trading music (which we should do again!), watch you cry at Michiko to Hatchin, or collectively get ****ed up about Kill la Kill some more. And yooooooo bruh, we still need to go to a concert one of these days!

implying i don't already hate you </3

 

I actually typed up a little paragraph but then had to leave and didn't post it but I copied it but then I came back and copied something else to send someone and now the paragraph is gone and apparently it was saved to my drafts but I don't know how to KHV anymore so basically all I wanted to say is you're the Batman to my Joker and you did your ****ing thing while you had the reins.

O Captain! My Captain!

 

I-I'm not crying... T_T

I know a lot of people won't believe me: But this is the first forum that I had a huge success in and has lasted for as long as it had. A lot of this is because of Deathspank and his willingness to work with me. Granted, he could be stubborn about a lot of things... And sometimes I felt like strangling the life out of him for being so stubborn. But I honestly couldn't have done it without his willingness to hear me out and at least try to meet me halfway. It's extremely rare to find an owner like that, and even more so to have him become a close friend but still have a professional relationship with.

I will always remember him and our late night chats... That and him randomly leaving the conversations and turning up days later... XD... Fun times... He always brought a sense of humor to the conversation when I was all seriousness. I miss working with him, and I wish him the best of luck.

 

We never really talked or anything, but we kinda grew up with each other. It's both awesome and sad to see you go, knowing you'll move on to better and and bigger things but also knowing that those things won't involve us anymore.

I'm both proud and sad for seeing you go, but I guess each and every one of us will eventually. I guess I would say don't look at it as an ending to what your role was here, but a beginning into what it will be.

And all that sappy sh!t aside, welcome back to the ranks of the pink.

 

RIP Best admin of all time.

 

I REALLY shortened it up. I blame the lack of sleep for the mistakes. XD...

Sorry about the post before, here's my goodbye...

I'm going to miss you, Misty... You were a fantastic admin, one when I retired would someday take my place, and you did. You were fantastic for the work that you did, and you should be proud. I'm sure as hell am... I couldn't have done it without the work of all the staff to make this forum as it is, and it's always sad... *hears about five hundred people protesting that statement* Alright... It's USUALLY very sad to lose a staff member... Especially someone like you. Good luck in the future and take care.