Everything is piling recently, very annoying . . . Anyway, a few weeks back, maybe maybe a month and a half or two months, a friend of mine died because he was only surviving with one kidney and his immune system had been suffering up until the time of his death, and it was partially, or largely due to the fact that he only had one kidney. I'd known him since I was very young, we went to elementary school together, and found that we shared the same blood type, which is O negative, very rare to come by. Well, about four years ago, when I was thirteen, I decided that my life would be of better used to the world not living, so I shot myself in my right side, because I was too much of a coward to shoot myself in the head. I was dying very fast and they said that I now needed a new kidney, that I wouldn't survive without it even if the blood stopped coming out. I was in the emergency room for two extremely painful hours when they, extremely, very luckily found a donor whose blood type matched mine. His name was Nick, and he gave me one of his kidneys so that I may live. The surgery was a success, but the fallowing year, he started to have health problems, and as the next two years passed, they started getting worse, and it partially due to only having one kidney. Well . . . he died in the beginning of September, and I was in hysterics for about two weeks, although it was only when I was completely alone, and I bottled everything up during the day so I could break down at night. Normally, I wouldn't bring my real problems here because they're easily dealt with alone, but about thirty minutes before I made this thread, I woke up from an extremely terrorizing nightmare about the whole ordeal. I'm incredibly guilty and on the verge of tears, feeling like I'm on the verge of insanity too, though I look fine. Not sure what to do here KHV, if you could ease my conscience, that'd be great.
Oh Saxima... My dear friend... I am so sorry for your lose. I know how hard it is to lose someone you care about. Maybe not to the extent of a friend but I've lost family members. You need to think of what your friend Nick would want. He wouldn't want you to blame yourself. He would want you to live your life and always remember him. Give me a PM if you need anything sweetie. I'm serious.
My oh my. You know, you should not be so hard on yourself you know. Yes, you made a choice. And that choice cost you more than you could imagine. I've been there. But things happen for a reason. That young man gave you a part of himself for you to live, to see something in life you didn't see before. If you ended it now, then his sacrifice would have been in vain. I understand where that guilt comes from. But you mustn't let it take hold of you. The best thing to do is to talk about it. You say most things you "deal" with, but sometimes it just puts on hold, until it comes back and haunts you. The best thing was posting this and getting your feelings off your chest. I don't think you should feel guilty and I don't think he would want you to feel that way either. You gotta find a reason to stand and continue living. This may sound cheesy, but maybe you could continue to live life to the fullest for him. I believe that those close to us are with us in spirit. So he sees and feels what you do. I'm sorry I ran on a tangent, but I do hope this helps. If you need to talk, my door is always open. Swing by, and we'll have a Dr. Pepper while we talk okay?
He made his choice, and it's not like you could have changed his mind easily. You shouldn't blame yourself when other people decide to help you out of your problems. You should feel grateful, but you don't have any need to feel guilty. You shouldn't live to please other people, because they don't have to be nice to you and you don't have to feel like you owe them for it. Just like how you feel about his death, he and others would have felt the same way about yours. If you think that you would have given a kidney if you were in his position, then maybe you can understand it a little better. If not, then maybe he should have looked out for himself. Either way, you don't need to feel like you made him do it. He might have been happy with his death, but you definitely wouldn't have been happy with yours; ending one's life is a sign that you are not happy with the way it is going, and as a result you are not happy in your death. It is unfortunate that he died, but at least he did it while adding positivity to everyone's lives and so probably ended it on a good note. This is the closest to an end that leaves everyone with a chance to be happy, including him. You shouldn't take your chances at happiness lightly if you think that the price is heavy; keep on living and make your life something that would make him smile if he heard about it. I'm sorry. This is one of the hardest things I've ever done, staying quiet...
Makaze makes a very good point here; it was his own choice. Selflessness is one of the qualities I find to be the most honorable in any person, and that is what Nick obviously was. You should not feel guilty, if anything, you should feel grateful. You were given a second chance, and now you have even more of a reason to live your life to the extent you are capable of. There was nothing you could have done to save him. Did you make a mistake when you were thirteen? Of course you did. Nick fixed that. That is what you have to think of. Everybody makes mistakes, that is just how life goes. Should we feel guilty for mistakes? No. Is it your fault things happened to him? No. Having one kidney did not necessarily have anything to do with his illness either. Also, let me know if you need anything, you have me on MSN.
