fullmetal kingdom

prolog

this is a story of tow boys that meet in the gate when mater split up thay enteres a defrent world now thay went on a great adventure now the sit in the great fire planet of the gease as thay run fron the man gease what will hapen on ther great adventure


chapter 1 escaping the gease

as the boys run sora and ed fall down a cliff sora uses magic spell air as ed transmute his cout with breanches as thay fall to make a hang glider and then in a flash thay fly out of danger and saves them selves from a pointy death in the bottom of the cliff as thay fly thay say to each other how did we get in to this mess when you punched the guy in the face sora said to ed.

 

....What? x.x

Dude. This is way too short DX But it doesn't have to be long.

Explain stuff too. How did Sora and Ed meet? They're from two completely different things.

...Gease? ;_;

How did they make a hang glider?

Overall this is bad right now D: But it can get better. Just be detailed.

 

xP

Honey, here are a few things, just like Zeo said.:
Spell Check is one/Grammar
Be more DESCRIPTIVE!
=D
And it's.. kinda short.
x3

But, if you work on it more, it'll turn out great.
<3333

 

Ah, the innocence of first time writing.

I would go all *pointsandluughshahauridiculousneverwriteagain* If this was actually something funny but it's not.

X.X...

Here take a look at this. It's revised so you can get some Ideas, it's not perfect but you can start from there.

The difference grammar makes is impressive, and I didn't add any extra details, just re-prashed some things.

You have a good idea going, and once I understood the last part it was a good chuckle.

 

That was well described. :)

But instead of the ':' marks to say when they speak use the quotation marks. :3

 

I like how you made Ed and Sora the main characters in this story Buddy ^^
but work on the grammar okay :]
and if you make it a bit longer
it would be awesome
keep up the good work :noworries:
I'm waiting for the next chapter >]
:3​

 

This is an example of how to use quotation marks and how to make the story flow better.

Chapter 2 (Preview)

"Sora, can you keep using your air magic?" asked Ed

"As long as I have air cards we can keep flying till' kingdom come." replied Sora

Ed wipes his brow with a sigh of relief.

"Uh oh."

"What's wrong?"

"I guess... I forgot to check my stash..."

"What are you saying?" Ed asked while he noticed that they were beginning to descend.

"Um...I'm out of air cards...heh heh." Sora said laughing nervously.

Just as Sora finished his sentence his air card ran out of power and they both plummeted down the cliff screaming. Luckily as they progressed downward Sora noticed a small mountain ledge was nearby.

"Look over there! There's a small area of the mountain we can land on. I think that there's just enough magic left in this card to get us over there."

"THAN USE IT!!!"

Sora was right. There's just enough to get them over to the mountain ledge. They barely made it and they had to grab onto the edge and climb up.

"It could've been worse." Sora said hoping Ed wouldn't kill him

Ed took all of the anger stored up in his mind and brought it down to his fists as he gave Sora a punch in the face.

"What was that for?"

"For being an idiot!"

"You're the one that fell off the cliff first."

Ed punched Sora in the face even harder this time.

"What was that one for!?"

"For being an insensitive idiot!"

And then you leave a cliffhanger on whatever you're doing in the next chapter.

Oh. Also use mozilla firefox. It has a spell check. Just right click on a text box and then left click the option on the list "Check Spelling".

Also there's a writing workshop made for people who need improvement. Good idea for a story. It just needs some work with grammar, spelling, and content.

Here's the link to the workshop:
http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?t=414

 

this is pretty good
you need to work on grammer a little bit though

 

_LOCKED

on request? of topic creator.