Finally!!!

YES! I finished my new short story. It is awesome. Read it and I PROMISE you will love it.


Scattered Dreams


Seph, a sixteen year old boy with long light blue hair and a black outfit, walked down to the beach during a beautiful sunset. As he reached the ocean, he looked down to see Ariel sitting in the sand, holding a seashell necklace. Ariel is a 16 year old girl with medium blonde hair, red eyes, and a blue ensemble.
“Ariel, you going to be okay?” asked Seph as he sat down beside her on the beach.
“I’ll be fine,” she said sadly looking at her necklace.
“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Seph. Ariel got this mad look on her face and threw the necklace into the ocean.
“It’s not fair! Out of everyone in this world, why did it have to be her?” yelled Ariel furiously as teardrops began rolling down her face.
“To tell you the truth, I’m not to sure,” said Seph worried.
A few days ago Ariel had beliefs that her mother had disappeared to a prophecy\. She was an only child, just as her mother was.
“I’m all by myself and I have nowhere to go. I’m gonna disappear to the prophecy too one day,” Ariel said.
Seph had got up and held out his hand and said,
“You can stay with me. I’ll protect you,”
Ariel had stopped crying long enough to grab his hand.
******************************************************
Seph and Ariel started walking towards the town.
“You’re name, Seph. What does it mean?” asked Ariel.
“I’d rather not talk about it,” he sadly expressed.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Ariel.
“No, it’s my fault for choosing my name,” said Seph.
“What do you mean?” asked Ariel, “I thought your parents choose your name.”
“My parent’s died when I was 10 and I’ve been living by myself ever since,” said Seph.
“What does that have to do with your name?” asked Ariel.
“My real name was my fathers’ name,” said Seph. “So I changed it to Sephiroth, but everyone got used to calling me Seph.”
“What was your real name?” asked Ariel. Seph looked at her in silence and said,
“Hirogoshi,” said Seph.
Ariel stopped walking and looked at Seph frozen in fear.
“You’re the son of Hirogoshi?” asked Ariel.
Seph looked at her and said,
“I wanted to keep it a secret because I knew I couldn’t trust anyone. That’s why I never told anyone. I shouldn’t have told you either.”
“What are you saying? That you can’t trust me?” yelled Ariel.
“I don’t know, can I?” asked Seph.
“Of course you can. What made you think you can’t?” asked Ariel.
Seph left a blank face.
“Once people find out that I am the son of Hirogoshi, they won’t treat me the same. They’ll treat me like I’m an outlaw. Just because my father was evil doesn’t mean I am.”
“Wait, I’ve heard the rumors but I’m not for sure if they are true. Do you have the scar?” asked Ariel.
Seph looked at her and saw her looking at him closely. He raised his right sleeve up and revealed a large scar in the shape of a handprint.
“Did it hurt?” asked Ariel. Seph got this horrible look in his eyes.
“I’ll answer that question when you answer this question. Why do you want to know so much about me?” he asked.
Ariel didn’t say another word. As they continued walking, it had got dark once they stumbled upon the town.
******************************************************
“Hey Seph, want to go to the beach later?” asked a red haired girl.
“Not thanks Fiesha, I’m going home right now,” said Seph.
“Oh well, what about tomorrow?” asked Fiesha.
“I’ll be waiting,” he said trying to walk away.
“So, you and Fiesha are a couple?” asked Ariel.
“No!” yelled Seph, “We are just friends.”
“Doesn’t seem like it, the way she looks at you,” said Ariel.
“I’m not too sure why she likes me,” said Seph.
“Who wouldn’t?” said Ariel under her breath.
“Excuse me?” asked Seph.
“Nothing!” yelled Ariel startled. They ended up walking to a medium sized house.
“Is this your house?” asked Ariel.
“Yeah, kind of pathetic isn’t it?” asked Seph.
“I’d rather not answer that,” said Ariel.
Seph started chuckling while turning his smiling face into a sad lurking face and told Ariel,
“I’m sorry Ariel, but Fiesha and me, we are a couple. We’ve been dating for a while.”
“Don’t be sorry, It’s not your fault that your happy,” said Ariel walking past him.
“Yeah, happy,” said Seph quietly.
The two walked into the house and Seph showed her to a room with a bed a closet and a dresser.
“You can stay here as long as you want,” said Seph.
“Thanks Seph. I’ll get my stuff tomorrow from my moms’ house,” said Ariel.
“Hey Ariel, I never got to ask you but where is your father?” asked Seph.
“He spends most of his life traveling the world, so I’ve never got to see him,” said Ariel.
“You’ve never seen him before?” asked Seph.
“Why are you asking me these questions?” asked Ariel.
“Probably the same reason you asked me all your questions,” said Seph.
“Okay, I’ll answer your questions if you answer the last question I gave you,” said Ariel. Seph kind of had this sad yet happy look on his face.
“Okay, answer all my questions and I’ll answer yours,” said Seph.
“Alright, no, I haven’t seen my dad in real life but I’ve seen a picture of him a few years ago,” said Ariel.
“Thanks, and what was the last question you gave me?” asked Seph.
“I asked you if the scar hurt on your arm,” said Ariel.
Seph had stayed quiet for a moment.
“Well?” asked Ariel.
“Yes,” answered Seph quickly.
“How did you get the scar?” asked Ariel.
“I said, I would only answer the last question you gave me, not anymore,” said Seph. Ariel sighed.
“I’m going to go to bed, I’ll talk to you in the morning,” said Ariel.
Seph walked out of the room.
******************************************************
In the middle of the night, Seph had a dream, but this was no ordinary dream. It was a memory of his father and how he got his scar.
Fire was blazing everywhere, Seph on his knees, and his father standing above him.
“Father, I’ve shown to you I haven’t been a good son lately, please forgive me,” said Seph.
“You’ve disrespected my way of life, young one. You’ll find out how hard being a master of fire will feel like,” said his father.
His father grabbed Seph’s right arm and fire was sent all the way throughout his body. Seph’s mother and Sister were watching but it seems none of them could feel his pain. Hearing his screams of terror and pain, there was nothing he could do. But the transfer seemed to leave the scar of his father’s handprint.
Seph woke up with a fright and sat up. He rolled up his sleeve to see his scar.
He then thought of a special place he always visited when he was young. He had got out of bed and went for a walk outside. Seph started to walk a path outside the town that nobody had ever seen. Fog started rolling in and the path had gotten dense,
He walked for half an hour on the path that had leaded him to a ledge.
“Your worst fear has come to be, huh Hirogoshi?” asked a mysterious woman in a red hood.
“You know I don’t like to be called that,” said Seph.
“Boo hoo, Hirogoshi hates to be called names,” said the mysterious woman.
“You started all of this. If you hadn’t made me do your work, I’d never have to be in pain from harnessing all this fire,” said Seph.
The mysterious woman removed her hood. Her name is Rose. She is 15, has black hair, sapphire eyes, and always wears different shades of red.
“You think I made you go into his room and look through his files?” asked Rose.
“Yes, you made me go fetch all of his work for you just so you’d know why he was always so busy!” yelled Seph. He got so mad that flames came out of his hands.
“Looks like Hirogoshi is getting mad, would you really hit a girl?” said Rose.
“You’re not just any ordinary girl, you’re my sister,” said Seph.
He leaped for an attack but she quickly dodged it. She turns around and punches him. He falls to the ground.
“If I can get you mad enough, you can destroy an entire civilization in one sweep,” said Rose.
“No, I think I will save lives instead of destroying them,” said Seph.
Rose tries to punch him once again but instead, Seph grabs her fist and pushes her back.
Rose gets back up and Seph gets in a fighting stance. The two start fighting, both dodging each others attacks, and using special techniques.
“Give it up Hirogoshi, father always hated you and left you to rot. Father left the house and all his fortune to me in his will, all you got was his fire powers, his pain and suffering,” said Rose. Seph got real mad and pushed her. His eyes turned a maroon color and fire sprouted throughout all his body. Rose stood up and said,
“We’ll meet again big brother, we’ll meet again.” She ran into the forest and disappeared. The fire had burned out and Seph fell to his knees.
“My father was evil but my mother was good. What does that make me? Am I an evil child or the Heart of Life?” He stood up and walked home. He hadn’t known he was going to fight his sister, but he thought that his special place was going to unlock his dreams. Turns out he was wrong.
******************************************************
The next morning, Ariel had gone outside to see such a lovely day. She started heading for the woods to get to her mothers house. Along the way she was stopped by someone.
“So it seems you know Hirogoshi don’t you?” asked Rose in her hood.
“His name is Seph and has been my friend for many years. Why do you ask?” asked Ariel.
“You do not yet know, in his eyes, his dreams, he is immortal, and will always be. As long as he never lets his dreams go. But when he finds the key to unlock those dreams, he’ll be free of being a Master of Fire,” said Rose.
“What are you talking about? He isn’t a Master of Fire. Who are you anyways?” asked Ariel.
“I’m his past, haunting every nightmare. He will no longer have normal dreams. Until he unlocks his dreams, he will only have nightmares. Those dreams will stay locked. You apparently have an effect on them. You must be the one,” said Rose Fading back into the forest.
“Wait! Who are you?” asked Ariel.
But it was too late, she was gone.
“What did she mean by the one?” asked Ariel to herself. She started running to her mother’s home.
******************************************************
Approaching her mother’s home, she stared at the empty yard. She walked into her once loving home and went into her old room. She got a suitcase out of her closet and packed all her clothes. She came upon a sparkling beautiful dress that her mother loved. She packed the dress knowing she might not need it. As soon as she got done packing she went into her mother’s room. She found an old scrapbook and stuck it in her suitcase. She saw on her dresser an envelope with her name on it. She opened it and saw a huge diamond necklace and a note inside.
The note read:
“Ariel, as you may know, I’ve disappeared and you must be sad. But don’t let me keep you from accomplishing your dreams. I’ve inserted in this envelope my diamond necklace that my best friend gave to me before she passed. Now I am passing it down to you. I suggest you will know what to do. I wish for the best for you. Take care Ariel.”
Ariel picked up the diamond necklace and put it on. She put the note in her suitcase and left her once beautiful home.
********************************
Once she arrived back at Sephs’ home she started putting all of her stuff up.
Seph came into the room and saw her diamond necklace. He asked Ariel,
“Where did you get that necklace?”
“My mother left it for me,” she answered.
Seph ran into his room and got out a locket that was his mothers. The diamond looked as if it could be the key to opening his locket.
“Ariel, may I see that necklace for a moment,” asked Seph.
Ariel took off the necklace and reached it to Seph.
“What do you need it for?” asked Ariel.
“You’ll see,” answered Seph taking the necklace.
He took the diamond at the end of the necklace and stuck it in the slot on the locket. It was a perfect fit. The locket opened. It had a picture of Sephs mother and him as a child. Seph put the diamond necklace on the shelf and ran into his room. He put the locket back into his drawer and went back into Ariels’ new room.
“That diamond necklace used to be my mothers. She must have given it to your mother before she passed,” Seph said.
“Was that your mother?” asked Ariel.
‘Yeah, she was the only one in my family who loved me,” answered Seph sadly.
“You’ve not been yourself lately Seph,” said Ariel. She looked at him.
“Was that the key that unlocks your dreams?” asked Ariel.
“How do you know about my dreams?!” yelled Seph.
Ariel saw he was mad.
“A young woman stopped me on my way to my mother’s home; she was talking about unlocking your dreams and said something about being a Master of Fire,” said Ariel.
Seph grabbed her arm.
“Who was it?” he asked
“Seph let go, you’re hurting me,” demanded Ariel using a steady voice.
“Tell me who it was,” he commanded her.
“I don’t know, she never gave me a name,” said Ariel.
“What did she look like?” asked Seph easing up the pressure on her arm.
“I don’t know that either. She had a red hood on,” answered Ariel. Seph let go of her arm, leaving a handprint.
“What is with you Seph? You’ve been acting strange ever since you told me you’re the son of Hirogoshi. You’re still the same, no different, no better!” yelled Ariel.
“I ran into my sister last night, she knows everything about me. No matter where I am. She keeps an eye on me some how,” said Seph.
“I didn’t know you had a sister,” said Ariel.
“Yeah, her name is Rosalind. But now she is called Rose now,” blurted Seph.
“I’m his past, haunting every nightmare. He will no longer have normal dreams. Until he unlocks his dreams, he will only have nightmares. Those dreams will stay locked. You apparently have an effect on them. You must be the one,” repeated Ariel.
“What was that?” asked Seph.
“Rose told me that,” Ariel answered.
“You’re the one. You’ll some how unlock my dreams. At first I thought it was my special place, and then I thought it was the locket, now you,” said Seph.
“Hold up! I don’t even know how to unlock your dreams. I don’t even have dreams,” said Ariel.
“You’re telling me, you’ve never had a dream in your life?” asked Seph.
“Well, once I have,” said Ariel, “But it was a future like dream. It was the day I turned 10 years old,” said Ariel.
“When’s your birthday?” asked Seph.
You’ll think this is weird but, I was born on July 6th, 1976, and I turned 10 on July 6th 1986” answered Ariel.
Seph looked at her weirdly.
“That’s the day both my parents died. 6, 6, 6” said Seph.
“What was the dream about?” asked Seph.
“Let me think. I was 10, I dreamt of the future I think. We had become friends at the age of 10 and I had the dream that there was a big door that leaded somewhere. I stuck my hand into a socket and you put your hand on a stone with the symbol of fire stuck into the wall. Then the door opened. Then a woman appeared out of no where on the other side,” answered Ariel.
“Can you think of anywhere that the door might be?” asked Seph. Ariel pointed to his chest and answered,
“The door is in your heart.”
“In my heart?” asked Seph.
“Find the door to your dreams in your heart,” answered Ariel.
“Where did that come from?” asked Seph.
“I don’t know. My instincts tell me you can find the door when you’re ready,” said Ariel.
“I’m ready whenever you are,” said Seph.
“Don’t you have a date with Fiesha?” asked Ariel.
“Yeah, I guess I should start going,” said Seph.
Ariel got up and went outside. When Seph went outside to talk to Ariel, she was gone.
“Ariel, where are you?” he yelled. He ran into the town to talk to Fiesha.
“Fiesha, have you seen Ariel?” he asked.
“No, but you ready to go to the beach?” she asked.
“No, not until I find Ariel,” answered Seph.
“So do you care about her more than me?” asked Fiesha.
“To tell you the truth, I do. Sorry, but I think we should break up,” said Seph walking past her.
“Wait, are you dumping me?” asked Fiesha turning around looking at him.
“Technically I am, but I say I’m breaking up cause it sounds better,” he said running off into the forest.
“I’m never talking to you again Seph!” she yelled at him stomping her foot into the ground.
******************************************************
As he was running through the forest he thought of where Ariel might have went. So he headed towards her mothers house.
When he opened the door, no one was there.
“Ariel, are you here?!” he screamed. Nobody had answered.
“Well, well big brother. Looks like another friend ran away. I don’t really blame her,” said Rose out of now where.
“Where is she?” asked Seph.
“You think I would do something to her? What could that mere mortal mean to me?” asked Rose sarcastically.
“She’s the one who will open my dreams and get rid of the darkness you call nightmares,” answered Seph.
“You’re getting better at understanding all this darkness nonsense haven’t you? Unfortunate for you, I don’t control darkness, just your dream door,” said Rose.
“I’m not going to ask you again, where is she?” he demanded.
“Well, she went and got herself lost in the forest,” answered Rose.
“You mean you kidnapped her,” said Seph.
“Details, who needs them,” she asked.
“I need them, where is she?” he demanded once again.
“To tell you the truth, I really don’t know,” said Rose.
“Don’t lie. Where is she?” he demanded once again.
“Like I just said, I don’t know,” she said running out the door.
Seph ran outside and chased her through the forest. She ended up getting ahead and Seph lost her trail.
“Great! Now I lost Ariel and now I lost my little sister. What more could go wrong?” he asked himself.
“You didn’t lose me. You never had me,” said Ariel as she came out from behind a tree.
“Were you there the whole time?” asked Seph.
“Yeah, you were supposed to go on that date with Fiesha, so I needed something to do,” said Ariel.
“Well, I didn’t. As a mater of fact I broke up with her.” said Seph.
“You didn’t have to do that for me,” said Ariel.
“I didn’t do it for you, I did it for myself,” answered Seph. Ariel looked at him in a moment of Silence.
“Wait, that came out wrong,” he said. Ariel got a mad look on her face.
“Don’t ever bother speaking to me again,” she said madly while walking towards the town.
“Idiot!” he yelled at himself.
******************************************************
“Can’t handle love big brother?” asked Rose as she came down the path.
“Shut up Rose!” Seph yelled.
“That wasn’t nice big brother,” Rose said.
“I love her, but I can’t tell her because of you!” yelled Seph.
“Listen Hirogoshi, it’s not my fault you can’t get a woman,” said Rose
“My name is Seph now! Stop calling me Hirogoshi! I hate that name!” yelled Seph.
“I shall call you what our birth parents gave you,” said Rose.
“No!” he commanded, “My new name is Sephiroth!”
“So,” she said pausing, “you want me to call you Sephiroth?” asked Rose.
“No, call me Seph,” he demanded.
“You’re getting mad over a name that doesn’t even belong to you,” said Rose.
“No, I’m mad over my birth name that my father gave me,” Seph said.
Out of nowhere, he saw Ariel running towards him. She immediately recognized Rose.
“You, you’re the one who told me all that stuff about his locked dreams,” she said.
“Why did you come back?” asked Seph looking at her.
“Fiesha told me that you broke up with her to be with me and I thought I should come apologize for my harsh behavior,” Ariel answered. Seph smiled at her.
Rose interrupted their conversation.
“So, now you understand what is to happen?” Rose asked Ariel.
“Yes, by loving me, he opened up his heart,” Ariel answered.
“You’re getting close Ariel, but you’re not getting close enough. Shut the door and I will leave you alone and let you see your mother once again, Ariel,” Rose said.
“What do you mean?” Ariel asked.
“Rose, shut up! You don’t know anything about-” Seph had said before she cut him off saying,
“Keep you’re opinions to yourself Hirogoshi!” she yelled, “What I mean is, you are the one who shows him the door. You haven’t opened your hearts up enough. You have to have a pure heart, free of darkness.”
“How do I know this isn’t a trick?” asked Ariel.
“You don’t. All you have to know is that I have to keep the door shut before it gets out of hand,” Rose said sneakily.
“Ariel, you’re supposed to be on my side. I’ll have nightmares and my dreams will become reality,” Seph said worried.
“You have twenty four hours to think about it,” Rose said while vanishing into the forest.
“I’m sorry Seph. I don’t know what to do,” Ariel said.
“No Ariel, I’m sorry for ever even trusting you,” he said turning back walking towards the town.
“Seph I’m sorry!” Ariel yelled. She stood there while the rain started pouring. She sat down beside a tree and held her arms around her knees.
“If I help Seph, I might never see my mother again, but if I help Rose, Seph will never speak to me again,” she said quietly. She sat in the rain for a while thinking about which side to choose. She loved Seph but her offer might be the only way she will ever see her mother. The rain started letting up.
“Rose is lying to me, so I should choose Sephs side,” she said quietly. She ran towards the town to look for Seph. She ran into Fiesha on the way to Seph’s home.
“Hey Fiesha, where is Seph at?” Ariel asked.
“He just walked up the pathway towards the well a few minutes ago,” she answered.
“Did he seem upset or mad?” she asked.
“What did you do?” Fiesha asked.
“Well, he is?” Ariel asked.
“He’s really depressed, that’s all I can tell you,” Fiesha said.
******************************************************
Ariel went walking down the road to the old well. She saw Seph sitting on the right side of the well looking at a golden coin. She started walking towards him but he saw her and started to get up.
“Seph, I‘m sorry!” she said quickly. Seph turned around to look at her.
“It shouldn’t have taken you that long to make a decision that you know is right,” Seph said.
“I’m sorry; I have a whole lot on my mind right now. You and I get in so many arguments over stupid things,” Ariel said.
“So that’s all my dreams are about? Stupid?” asked Seph.
“No, it’s just that our arguments were stupid, I really never mean all those things. I was never like this but for some odd reason, I just need to let all my anger out in arguments,” said Ariel.
“What anger? You used to be a peaceful child,” Seph told her.
“That was before my mother disappeared. Now I’m just mad that she is gone,” Ariel stated.
“You are just lonely aren’t you?” Seph asked her.
“Yeah, and my heart is telling that you are the only one who cares about me,” Ariel said.
“Ariel, you probably know this but I never said it out loud,” Seph said.
“Seph,” Ariel said quietly.
“I lo-” Seph said while being interrupted by Rose.
“So it is true. Big brother has a crush, how sweet.” She said coming up from the pathway.
“Rose, go away,” Seph said.
“Why should I when you are getting ready to throw away all I have worked for,” Rose said.
“Just go away Rose,” Seph said.
“No, you go away and leave this town!” Rose yelled.
“I can’t. My dream door is around here somewhere and I’m going to find it!” Seph loudly yelled.
“You’re a fool! Don’t you see? Your dream door will always follow you, as will I.” Rose said.
“You will do no such thing, I am where I choose to be!” yelled Seph.
“You’re a pathetic waste,” Rose announced.
“You’re wrong!” Ariel yelled.
“Ariel, you stay out of this,” Seph said protecting her.
“I can’t, and I won’t Seph. I’m here to protect you, and protect you I shall.” Ariel said speaking from her heart.
“You have a woman fighting your battles Hirogoshi, and now you deny her help. You have no honor,” Rose called out.
Ariel looked at Seph then at Rose.
“Rose, I believe, you are the one with no honor,” Ariel said looking into her eyes. Ariel stepped forward as Rose started walking towards them.
“You can’t open the door by yourself.” Rose said.
“True I can’t by myself, but with Seph helping me, we can accomplish anything!” Ariel yelled.
“Where did you get that load of lies? A book?” asked Rose.
“No, I’m speaking from my heart,” Ariel stated.
“What about Seph?” asked Rose?
“He…..” Ariel started, “is the Heart of Life.”
A large light shined out of the well and sparkled into the shape of a door. The door hand a fire stone on the right hand side and the shape of a hand print on the other.
“You fool; you haven’t the smallest bit of clue of what you just did!” Rose yelled.
“I do. I just opened his Dream Door,” Ariel said.
Ariel walked up and placed her hand in the slot.
“Seph, place your hand on the stone,” Ariel said.
Seph walked up towards the door but before he put his hand on the stone, Rose pulled Ariel away from the slot and pushed her on the ground. She took out a pair of Sais blades and pointed one towards Ariel.
“You’ve cause me more trouble than your mother has. That is why I will destroy you as I did your mother. The prophecy ended with her, but since you’re here, I guess it can go on with you,” Rose stated.
Rose started to strike the sword towards Ariel but Seph pulled out his Dark Envy Sword and guarded it against her.
“You….,” Ariel said shakily, “You killed my mother.”
“Do I have to spell it out for you?” asked Rose.
“There was never no prophecy, was there. That was just a lie to keep me from knowing the truth!” Ariel yelled. She looked at Seph.
“Did you know about this Seph? That my mother knew she was going to be murdered by Rose?” Ariel asked while a tear went down her face.
“I didn’t know Ariel, I promise,” he said.
“She knew since the day you were born, Ariel!” Rose yelled while breaking the guard against her.
“I know how the future will turn out, but since your mother died protecting you, it was unpredictable!” yelled Rose.
“You killed the only family that I had, I’ll kill you!” yelled Ariel while running towards Rose.
Ariel did a front flip over Rose’s head and took one of her Sais blades out of her hand. When she landed she pointed the sword at Rose.
“What are you going to do?” Rose asked. “Are you going to kill me? Will that bring your mother back?”
“No, but you should’ve thought about taking the life of a single mother first than just thinking of yourself,” Ariel stated. She tried to strike her with the Sais blade but Rose guarded her with her other Sais blade.
“They are the same blades, and they both have the same powers Ariel. We are evenly matched,” Rose said.
“You’re wrong!” Ariel yelled, “I have a better weapon.”
“You’re lying!” Rose accused.
“My weapon is my heart, and if I believe hard enough, I can unlock his dreams and turn the world back to the way it was suppose to be before you ruined everything!” yelled Ariel.
Seph ran over the door and placed his hand on the fire stone.
“Ariel, hurry!” yelled Seph.
Ariel pushed off Rose and ran towards the door. Rose ran after her but she stumbled on her way and fell over. Ariel reached the door but before she put her hand in the slot she looked at Rose on the ground. Rose looked up towards Ariel.
“Don’t do it Ariel. You’ll cause the whole world to change!” yelled Ariel.
“No, just your world!” yelled Ariel. She put her hand in the slot. The door opened and a bright light flashed out and sparkled all over the well.
Ariel’s dream was becoming a reality. She opened the door, and on the other side, there was a skinny blonde woman with red eyes.
“It’s my mother,” said Ariel. Her mother walked towards her and stood on the other side.
“I take it that you know there was no such thing as a prophecy,” Ariel’s mother started.
“Wait a minute, I thought this was your dream door?” asked Ariel
“This is not just his dream door,” her mother said.
“This is a memory chamber.”
“Memory Chamber, I thought this was my dream door?” asked Seph.
“So you’re Seph. Your mother said nothing but wonderful things about you,” Ariel’s mother said.
“You’ve talked to my mother?” asked Seph.
“Yes, Gloria told me all about you,” Ariel’s mother said.
“Why is this a Memory Chamber?” asked Seph.
“Beyond this door, lies all of yours and Ariel’s memories,” answered Ariel’s mother, “Gloria and I started calling this a Memory Chamber to hide it from Rosalind, and we locked it tight.”
“You mean Rose?” asked Ariel.
“Exactly,” answered her mother. Ariel looked over where Rose was lying at but she was gone.
“Seph, Rose is gone,” yelled Ariel startled.
“Yes, she has vanished among to the world, from the hatred trapped inside her heart,” explained her mother.
“I guess she was the Darkness after all,” Seph stated.
“Hold up. If this was Seph’s Memory Chamber, then how did you end up in here?” asked Ariel.
“Because, this is not only Seph’s Memory Chamber,” answered Ariel’s mother, “This door contained both, yours and Seph’s memories. That is why Seph’s fire power opened up his side, and your handprint opened yours,” Ariel’s mother answered.
“But… Rose said,” Ariel started.
“Forget what Rose said,” Seph stated.
Ariel’s mother handed to her a golden coin.
“You have one wish waiting for you. Throw it down the well, and make your wish.”
Ariel nodded her head. She walked over to the well, and threw the coin down.
Ariel said silently, “I wish Rose was never born.”
After that, another light shot up from the well, but this time, it changed the world. The light shined so bright that everyone lost sight. But when Ariel came to her sight, she was home with her mother.
“Mom, what happened?” she asked.
“You got rid of the Darkness. Only you and I shall remember what really happened,” her mother answered.
“What about Seph?” asked Ariel?
“He remembers nothing because, the Darkness, was right next to him,” his mother explained.
“So what happens now?” asked Ariel.
“We continue on with our lives,” her mother stated.

2 weeks later…

Ariel and her mother went into town to do a few errands, and on her way she saw Seph.
“Hey Seph!” Ariel shouted.
He didn’t look. She ran over to him.
“Hi Seph, do you know me?” she asked.
“Sorry, my name isn’t Seph. It’s Hirogoshi,” he answered.
“Well, do you know me?” asked Ariel.
“Not that I know of,” he answered. Over in a distance his parents were calling for him to come.
“I’ll be seeing you?” Ariel asked.
“Sure thing,” he answered. Ariel walked back over to her mother.
“Hmm, I expected him to remember you, but I guess not,” Ariel’s mother stated.
“It’s okay. I’ll be seeing him around anyways,” Ariel answered.
“Are you sure, you’re going to be okay?” she asked.
“No, I’m going to be great,” Ariel answered.

Seph grew up to be the Heart of Life

 

Anyone??? I Need Replies!!!!!! Please!!! I Need To Know About Your Opinion On The Stroy!!!! Pleasezzzzz!

 

:D niiiiiiiiiiiice:D
your good

 

bahhh you sure can Write :)
you're Good ^-^

 

You focused too much on dialogue. It really takes away from the story because narratives (albeit detailed, cohesive ones) are almost a neccessity in any story.

Your structure is fine in terms of how you set up your lines, but you make the common error of utilizing dialogue for situations that could've been more effectively communicated through narration and exposition.

Consequently, because over 90% of your fic was dialogue, the story seemed rushed and went by too quickly. It hardly gives time for the reader to indulge in what's being said and what it all really means. Give more for the reader to imagine in their heads; the one fundamental flaw of dialogue.

Writing takes work and patience, so just keep working on your form and you'll only continue getting better.

 

ummm, it took me from last June till last saturday to finish it. I was not rushing. I had patince al throughout the story.

and to tell you the truth, I kinda based Seph as a character on Kingdom Hearts 2. I'm not saying which though. Ariel, I totally made her up. but I'm not talking about the lil mermaid. I made her own personlaity up.

I also have another staory called the Prophecy with another girl named Ariel and Contrast who are twins. I also have a character named RIku but he has blonde hair and has a WAYYYYY beter personality

 

This should be moved into creativity corner, and good story.

-MOVED-

 

Thank you so much!

 

You misunderstand me. I'm not saying you rushed writing it, I'm saying the flow was rushed.

To exaggerate my point, your fic felt a lot like this:

"hi!"
"Hi!"
"Let's go out!"
"Okay!"
"Where?"
"The mall!"
"I like that idea, let's go!"
-- 2 minutes later --
"That was fun!"
"Yeah it was!"
"Thanks for today!"
"Bye bye!"

Now, whether or not it took me 30 seconds to write that, or 30 years, is irrelevant. It's the speed of the narrative that was rushed. That's all.

 

...WAY too much focus on the dialogue. You need to describe the situation, the look of the characters, and expand more on what is happening.

Keep writing and practising. You'll gain more experience and improve as you go along.

Btw, even though it is a short story, it would be easier to read if you broke it up into chapters.

 

hmmmmmmm, I've never looked at it that way.

 

are you saying that I should focus more on details and the surroundings than the dialouge

 

No, you should try to blend them equally. Both are equally important parts to a good story (classics like White Fang are an exception though)

You're too focused on dialogue; so instead, try adding more narration and exposition.

 

Basically what he said.

It must be balanced. If you have too much dialogue and not enough description, then I find it really boring. However, if you have too much description and narration with hardly any dialogue, I'd just give up and read something else.

What you want is to draw the reader in with a good balance of description, mood, character, dialogue and narration.

Even though it's a short story, some short stories are divided into chapters and I've found most of them are less than 100 words >.>

 

hmmm, well. I'd say my short story is about 1,000 or more words long. maybe. I'm not too sure. Well, in my next story, I will take your advice. Anything else that i need to work on?

 

Pretty good. ^-^

I'd give it an 8\10.

 

thank you but I ned to work on it,

 

It's a nice story. I like it. But go back and read it through carefully. If you don't, you end up with mistakes such as this one:

 

well shoot. Arielk wasn't suppose to say that. Rose was.

I'll go over it again.