Feeling fine but down at the same time

I'm putthing this here because I don't think it belongs anywhere else. Anyways
This is a rant/needs to get things off my chest. So anyway since the 27th of last month I've been in this weird state of being both fine and feeling down. It started when my mum rang me to say that her brother-in-law might not live the night since he was dying of pancreas cancer. So until that Friday I was home alone (While my mum was her my aunt and uncle) and during that time I had no motivation to do anything. Then about 5 am on Friday I'm awoken by the door bell, when I let my mum in (She would have let herself in but I had left my keys in the door) she told me that he had died. Unlike Tuesday where I cried my eyes out after hanging up, all I could do was give a sympathetic 'No'. I continued on with life as normal the best I could, but I found myself zoning out a lot and just giving up on things I could normally do. I even gave up my voluntary work at my local library because of lack of motivation... The only thing that gets me out the house is when I'm meeting my best friend. If it wasn't for her I know I would never leave the house unless my mum dragged me out. I did cry at his funeral on the 10th. Another downer is that while at the doctors herself about her bad legs (She has a lot of pain in them) my mum told them about a small lump on her head that was eczema and they said it could now be cancer and for her to go and have it checked out again next week.

So with my uncle dying of cancer and the high risk of my mum having cancer my emotions are a bit messed up, but I'm forcing myself to be fine because I don't want to be depressed again. I've not long gotten over it so I don't want to go back to being like that. But I feel like it's already taken hold of me. I know I would never do it but the idea of ending it all has crossed my mind. I know what the worst could be for me right now and I'm trying to now think about it, but anyone who has been depressed knows it's not that simple. And that's it really I know it's nothing compared to other peoples lives but I just needed to get it off my chest.

 

Reminds me of what I felt the first time I was truly confronted with death. One of my father' s friends, whose kids my sisters and I were friends with, stumbled to his death in the Alps. When we heard the news it plunged my whole familly in a sort of catatonic state. There was no tears, we barely exchanged a word, and none of us ate anything that evening.

It's not that I was sad per se, I barely knew the guy, it just threw me into a meditative introspection about mortality. I already knew we all have an expiration date, but I hadn' t really thought about it up until that moment. I didn' t have suicidal thoughts, but I did contemplate the idea of my own death. So as far as I can tell your mood right now is perfectly normal, that' s grief.

Dealing with the death of one of the most important people in my life turned out to be much more traumatic though, I was a mess.
I hope your mum exams turn out OK (incidentally my mum is in the same boat right now).