((This is just the prologue, the funny thing is my chapters are normally many times as long... When I get all the chapters done I'll put it all on FanFic.Net ^^; This is all I will show off from the story. Though I will update when I get things set on FanFic.net so anyone here can check out the entire story if they wish to do so. Also I am still learning and if you see gramar I would redo, tell me I'd like to fix it! >_< Title= Destiny Island Long Journey Summary of Story Riku & Sora awaken to a poke’mon filled Destiny Island. They met at the cave and soon start a unwanted adventure of poke’mon around the universe! Prologue of Story “Ugh… What time is it?†Sora sleepily yawned as he slowly sat up. He scratched his head as he turned his head to see Riku still sleeping in a navy blue plaid sleeping bag. Sora stretched as he looked out his window and rubbed his eyes due to the bright dawn light. He was overwhelmed with confusion of what was going on. Creatures of all sorts were roaming around the island. The spiky haired boy jumped out of bed and poked the sleeping Riku. “Hey, you need to get up and check this out Riku!†Sora said somewhat loud, “You’ll never believe this, get up!†Riku swatted at his poking finger and opened one eye staring at Sora. Then he sat up and looked at him with a puzzled look. Sora smiled at the now awake friend and gestured for him to look outside the window. At first hesitant, he crawled up Sora’s bed and glanced out the window and his jaw almost dropped. It was the last thing the heroes thought they’d be looking at. Over the ocean waters were countless wingulls and pelipper flying and hovering over the waters. Riku looked back over to his friend who was getting changed. It meant only meant one thing, it was something they would have to check out. “What do you think is going on?†Riku asked curious to Sora’s reply. “I really don’t know, but, it isn’t normal.†He replied as he finished putting on his shoes. The white haired boy nodded his head and hurried to get himself dressed as well. Though by the time he was done, Sora wasn’t in the room any more. Sora was dashing through the beach towards the cave. To be honest he didn’t know why he felt this need to get there so quickly. As he got to the cave he huffed for air, having become fatigued. “Ah, Sora you finally have came…†a deep voice said, “But where is Riku?†Sora jumped at the voice at first and almost screamed as well. He swirled around and was surprised by who he saw standing right there now in front of him. “Master Ansem!†Sora cried out as Riku came running into the cave. “There you are, you are late Riku, what toke you to so long to get here..?†Ansem asked looking confused. “You were waiting for us..? But I thought…†Riku stammered. “No Riku, that is foolish.†he said as both boys looked shocked, “At least you two are ready for the journey ahead of you, right? Because there is no backwards, just forwards…†“What does that mean?!†Sora said crossing his arms looking at the older man. “Here take the things here I have laid out for you, each of you should have a poke’mon, pokedex, bag with 2 potions, 3 poke’balls and food to keep you going for your first day…†Ansem said gesturing to items that were laid out for them, “Also if you ever need me, go to a poke’mon center and use their computer to speak with me…†“Uh… Okay-†Sora said more confused, “I still don’t get what it means.†“Wait a second…†Riku began, “Are you setting us on a poke’mon adventure like Ash from the show Poke’mon?!†“What!†Sora yelped, “But, how could that be, I mean… Just I thought that-†“Thought what..?†Master Ansem asked staring at Sora with a frown. The spiky haired boy shrugged, “I am not sure, just that this is so weird…†Ansem sighed softly as he turned away and gestured for the two to get the stuff from the ground. The two stared at one another before picking up the everything from the ground. “Hey, wait the bag you picked says ‘Sora’ right their Riku†Sora pointed out. Riku checked and nodded his head, “Okay, then lets switch bags-†The two wapped bags and as so Ansem smiled at them, “Good now lets get your journey started-†Before the two could reply to Ansem the wise, he had vanished and the mysterious door inside the cave opened sucking the two boys into the darkness within.
Not a bad start, the story was communicated pretty well. I'll comment on the actual story before I get onto structure, grammar etc. What kind of creatures were roaming the island? Surely they would have identified them as Pokémon if Riku knows the series? You mentioned the Wingull and Pelliper flying over the waters but that's about it. You would do well to focus your descriptions on important parts of the story rather than on unnecessary details like the colour of Riku's sleeping bag. Why did Sora immediately head for the cave? You didn't really explain why he went there of all places, except that he went there quickly. I thought the outcome of the chaos was a little predictable, and I can pretty much guess that Riku will become Sora's rival. However, I do look forward to seeing what Pokémon you place in what worlds, if that is the path you take with this story. Now- do us all a favour, and either ditch the é in the Poké words, or just use a normal e. The space where you use an apostrophe looks extremely messy. Your format isn't too bad, I'm glad to see you've used new lines for every new speaker in dialogue etc but I'm not happy with your sentence structure. Read your story aloud; do the sentences flow correctly? You're missing quite a few commas in vital places. Sorry for the very long comment. >> Keep up the good work. :3
Not a problem, I just have a hard thing correcting my own work, I was trying to get the ' on each e but my writing program flipped on me- so most likely I will remove all 's and I was wondering if I really needed the detail on Riku's sleeping bag- so I'll be doing so edits on it and thank you for commenting ^^ Edit: PS the come out you thought is not as you may think- Then again I hate things that look easy to see in stories (mystery story person) XD
