dumb

I'm too lazy to stuff this under a read more over tumblr and then forget about it in the morning so
i am having a Problem


Toning down all the STRONG EMOSHUNS I'm having right now (because songs bringing back past feelings and w/e), I think I'm oversaturated with myself?

That probably only made sense to me, which is the case in point. It's been really hard for me lately to convey whatever it is I want to say to others without having to look it over to see if it makes sense (I think much faster than I type or speak). This also comes with having to check to see if that is a type of message a person would expect from me?

e.g. When talking to one friend "i u sually type like what im doin rite here" and then another I would type "liKE THIS When fEELINGS AND ALSO JUST TO SPeak." And I dunno, it doesn't feel cohesive of me as a whole person anymore? I just feel like I'm splintered in a sense to keep in line all the things people would expect from me straight between all those peeps.

And like, I guess I get why that's happening? I don't really allow anyone to get really close to me much anymore. The only real exceptions to that are two friends offline and two friends from here. KHV was really shitty for me over the summer because of all the drama/poop (undoubtedly for everyone), but on top of that I had a lot on my plate offline to: I was gone for about a month for a precollege thing and was having kind of serious issues with a close friend I was having a ~summer fling~ with (tl;dr: They said they were doing it with their ex-boyfriend, who was also a close friend of mine, and felt that my feelings for them took them out of control of the whole situation and that I latched onto them 8') ).

Needless to say that + the above mentioned KHV stuff more or less made me reaaaally not want to make more friends with anyone here (mainly) or in general. ;c I was pretty hopeful for college + all but then 2/3rds of my school year so far have been similarly shitty, and I've only been able to see my best offline friends once since July or so. And then one of the people I was really close with has disappeared from the face of the earth mostly, and another just left the site to handle their business with school and all. But I'm really afraid they'll disappear too and they're the only real close friend I have left to talk to regularly.

And it's really terrifying; the prospect that there could be no one left who really cares. Back in 2011 I did gift exchanges with the two offline friends and me and the now disappeared friend made gifts for Christmas/our birthdays, and while I quite honestly care 0% for the gifts, the fact that someone consented to and went out of their way to do something like that really shows they care and that's really all I want to feel, that I'm important to someone else + in their thoughts and stuff, and that I'm not placing people In Highest Regard who don't really even care too much (which admittedly is a conclusion I hastily jumped to in my last relationship because the other person would flirt with a lot of other people often and I was just "welp (✿◠‿◠)").

I dunno, I just don't want to reach the point where I feel like I am completely + irrevocably alone and have to deal with all these facets of a personality I'm not even sure is there. Sometimes I just don't want to be here and feel this way all the time like this (and hate myself for being so self-focused like this), but I'm really afraid of trying to break out of this only to fuck up and be even worse off.


^ prooooobably the closest anyone's gotten to seeing how i've actually been feeling for a while
plums for "probably never reaching self-actualization" toottoot

 

Do you not let people get close to you out of fear that they won't like you or just because you don't want people getting close to you?

I wouldn't feel too bad about it, though. A lot of people go through phases like this, and it's nothing to be ashamed about. The fact that you realized this is a problem is good.

It's not good to hold your emotions in. You said you had two good offline friends. Talk / Vent to them about your feelings. If they're as good friends as you say, they'll understand what's going on and help you.

And for the record, I do care about you. I'm always on Skype, as you know, and always messaging you like a crazy stalker good friend. Feel free to send me an IM.

Hope this helps.

 

Plums, as much as i'd love to say there is a definitive answer to feeling better like leaving the site or meeting new people or something totally simple, i'd be a lying delusional idiot.... Even if i did wanna make you feel better.

Honestly you shouldn't give a flying fish about trying to deal with what this and that person thinks about you. Act true to yourself, and people will accept you. Honestly you should only say what you feel comfortable around the people you want to. But again, you should know whether you're tryig to hide your real thoughts and feelings because your just scared about letting them out.
I know you've got close friends and they should be a prime example of who you can let out your feelings to. They'll accept you, i know at leas tone of them and they will!

You're feeling vulnerable and alone, and you're fearful of letting yourself get attached to people likely because of rejection. Half my life i feel like that. But in the end we always do open to someone after a time, we can't stand the build up of it all and need to release to someone. I did it once on facebook about a job that was driving me into the ground at only two days in and it ended with me leaving that week because i let it out to people at that work who saw it.... It's better to let it out to those you trust then the whole world, soemtimes, otherwise it'll build up and be self destructive.

The facts are that people drift apart, sometimes for actual reasons but alot of the time because of simply things changing over time. I've 'lost' many good friends for different reasons, but i don't regret putting my emotions or trust out there with them. They gave me years of friendship and understanding, don't count that time as not meaning anything. And they'll always be new people to meet on the horizon who'll be there for you too. There is always a bit of hope.

Honestl ymate, I really respect and appreciate you so if you ever want to talk or feel not close woth someone take a leap of faith in me! XD
I will show you that letting yourself out isn't something people are honna reject! : D
(Unless you're a murderer, then maybe i'll judge a bit but still talk ; -) )

 

C: Both.

There is shame, but it's more along the lines of I'm just tired of it all, lol.

Ehhhh. They're also going through a rough patch, and a triple venting fest would be just as ill-advised as it would emotionally draining.

Yeah, I know. I just want to avoid sounding uninterested and/or embarrassing myself. It's been happening less lately, but there are ties where I'm just too impassive to really reply to someone the way I should, which causes it's own host of things. And the embarrassing myself part is pretty clear; why else do you guys think I don't venture into Discussion often? :b

If we're thinking the same person, I feel like I'd be annoying them if I try to/when I talk to them. In my head I know that things are still just the same, but emotionally I think I'm projecting the fear that they're going to end up disappearing as well, along with the fear that I'd "latch" onto them like I did my friend over summer and they'd develop a case of the Plums Fatigue. Both are roads that I really don't want to venture down, but I'm used to talkig to this person more or less every day, so suffice to say it's been difficult, hah.

I probably will open up to someone new again eventually, but I've never really been good at being comfortable with myself with everyone (19 years and runnin'). I think I just need to realize that who I am is fine for everyone to see, and not just present a part every time I have to interact with people who might not be some I would consider for a usual friend group deal (even then I still have trouble, lmao. I hate to say it's just taken a special kind of person to get to see "100% pure stream of consciousness no doors me", but all of this is lol).

I try not to. I'm usually pretty minimal in the nostalgia and just say "this was a good time yeah" since I hate just staying glued to the past. But I think that's what's happening with all these friendships and all (not helped by the associations I've made to times in the past with songs). But I will try to keep my head up. Always more peeps out there on the horizon + all.

Thanks, guys.