Doesn't matter who I am I want to be done

Alright, I'll just come out and say it. I tried to kill myself yesterday. I didn't want to face yet another day being who I am. Truth be told, I'm sick of who I am, they way I act, the way I look, and there are other things but I'm not going to get into all that.

@tummer -- sorry, I didn't want to bring it up, it'd just make you sad and I don't want that. You're a good friend. (even though I barely know you.)

I'm not myself and I blame myself for that. I've tried way too hard to please other people that I'm sick of what it's made me into. I'm not a normal person. My friends secretly wish I was gone. (Don't lie to me, I know they do. I can see it on their faces) No one takes me seriously when i speak. I'm still practically invisible, no matter what I do. I've addressed people individually and in front of others and still they ignore me. Say their name: nothing. Wave my freaking hand in their face: nothing! It's like I'm a ghost, so I figure, why not just be one. Give everybody what they want and just go away. It's not like they'll miss me or notice I'm not there.

People don't understand. There's this one kid in my American Gov't class who thinks it's appropriate to bother me about my assignments and test scores. When he does better than me, even though he cheats off of everyone around him, he throws it in my face and thinks that's okay to make me feel like crap. I'm tired of taking all this sh*t. Isn't it better if someone like me just goes away...? I think so.

 

Please don't kill yourself. I'm going to tell you something: Two years ago, I was in your exact same shoes. I had suicidal thoughts (though I never put them into action), I felt my family hated me because I wasn't normal, people look at me funny when I expressed myself, and I wasn't doing so well in school. I still have some of these thoughts about myself: I'm constantly questioning if I am a good person, why am I alive, why doesn't society accept me? However, I learned to embrace who I am; I say "screw you" to the normal people and let myself be free.

I only wished that you would've told me sooner, that this is what was making you hurting. I could've helped you so much better. I want to help anyone who is hurting, especially those who I see as my friends. I can offer you many solutions on feeling better about life. Mine is Christianity, but I know other ways that can help. If your friends are really treating you like your nothing, then don't be friends with them. Human beings weren't designed to be alone. You'll meet a whole new group of people who accept you for you; however, you also have to approach new people.

I'm not going to lie: life sucks, but there is always a solution to make things better. Through my diease, I found faith and meet so many amazing people (and yes, that includes you too :)).

Please, don't think that I am upset or dissappointed. I only wish that you told me this much sooner. A lot of people, me included, wouldn't like it if you just dissappeared. I can tell that after I talked to you, you found a new spark. Please, don't let that spark go out. Even though the deepest darkness, there is always going to be a light that will guide your way home.

 

Believe me, the world is never better when a person dies prematurely. Think of how other people will feel about it. Not only will they cry about your death, they'll also cry about how they should have known something was wrong. They'll blame themselves. They'll even feel insulted that you felt they weren't worth living for. Hell, even those who tried to help you (like myself) will feel guilty for not being able to help you enough.

On your being sick of yourself, that's a classic case of low self-esteem. Not only do you not see what's good about yourself, but you also subconsciously go out of your way to look for flaws in yourself. From what I know of you, you're a very intelligent young lady. I'm sure you're very pretty but, and I'm just throwing this crazy idea out there, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

The people who ignore you are just freaks. If anything, they, not you, are the ones who deserve to die for refusing to notice such an amazing and extraordinary girl. If they won't notice you in person, then break out the school directory or phone book and call them on the phone. They'll have no choice to ignore you because you'll be speaking directly to them and if they hang up they'll be pegged as incredibly rude.

 

I don't see the point in trying anymore. I'm too much of a coward to make new friends. Only one of my friends who's way older than me was actually there when I tried to die. he took me to the hospital at three in the morning even though i told him not to bother, that I planned it. I don't know what to say to him anymore. Honestly, I doubt people here would miss me. People go away all the time and you don't know if they're dead or on a trip or something. It'd just be like that, except I wouldn't come back and tell stories.

Still the number of people that make me want to disappear out number all the people that may not want me to go to wherever suicidal people go. I believe Hell, but if that's the case, then isn't it better to go to Hell than stay here and suffer enough pain to make even the strongest of people cry? But it does matter. It matters to me, a lot. There's nothing extraordinary about me. Nothing worth remembering. Each year I come back to school, I over hear people asking who I am. It's obvious I haven't changed, only I've faded from their memory all that much quicker.

@tummer - I didn't tell you because I knew you'd get like you are. You'd be extremely nice to me and I'd feel even worse about myself for wanting to die. If I could, I'd take all the *******s that made me feel like this with me. I doubt I'll ever see that light that's supposed to help me back home. The last thing i'll probably see will either be the rising pavement of some road or something worse.

I'm just too tired to get back up anymore. Honestly, what do I have to look forward to? Watching my parents fight constantly and probably end up getting a divorce? My brother finally snap and end up in jail? I don't want to be here when that all happens. I thought your heart was supposed to be the only thing that was supposed to break...not your soul...

 

He tried to save you because he knew that you are worth saving. You are a beautiful daughter of God, perfectly crafted years before you were even born. Obviously, your friend knew that about you, and knew that you had the strenght to go on. You friend loves you, God loves you, and I love you. It may sound wierd for me to say that, but I have a great connection with my friends. I don't see love the same way Hollywood portrays it; real love between friends is thousands of times stronger than what the meida shows.

Believe me, you do not want to go to Hell; it's called The Lake of Fire for a specific reason. It's a firey hole, where you'll suffer pain and be alone forever. I don't want to scare you, but that's what Hell is. You don't have to live through the emotional hell that your going through either. My parents fight a lot as well, and I hate hearing it because I'm the oldest of five kids. I can feel that they are on the edge of divorce. My situation is way different from yours though, I have to be in the middle of it for my siblings. Escape from the prison you are in; I'm not saying to run away but to break away.

I can give you a light, I can even guide you. I'm just asking, are you willing to take the light?

 

But, and I'm just throwing this out there, that one friend of yours does care. Tummer cares. I even care to point where I might start having suicidal thoughts if you go through with this simply because I won't be able to go on knowing that I was unable to save someone that has so much to offer the world. You're smart, wise, creative, and irreplaceable. Any man will be lucky for you to even consider a relationship with him.

As I said before, the people who refuse to or just can't see what a great person you are are the ones who deserve to die. If they can't see how great you are, then I'd hardly even consider them people. If they're making you feel this way, then punish them for causing the pain, not yourself for feeling it.

Hell is most definitely not better. Here's a quick description of what it is for one person mentioned in the Aeneid.

Basically his job is to carry two buckets of water across a bed of hot coals. Once he gets them across without spilling, he gets to stop. The catch? Both buckets have holes in them and he isn't allowed to repair them. Because of this, he has to walk over HOT COALS for ALL OF ETERNITY.

AND IT GETS WORSE.

And if you don't want to be there if your parents divorce and your brother goes to jail, there is nothing stopping you from leaving home and simply telling your parents in a note that unless they shut the hell up with all their fighting you refuse to come back. There are places everywhere that take in runaway kids and teens. Hell, I'll let you live with me despite what my parents say if you're close enough. All I know is that I don't want you to die before your time. I know that a girl as gifted as you must have some purpose in the world other than killing yourself and make everyone who loves you (including myself) consider following your example. In my experience, suicide only leads to more suicide.

 

I don't know. If I'm supposed to know I don't. Breaking away is a lot easier said than done. It's like a room with no windows or doors and to be honest I'm scared. I don't want to go to Hell, I know what it is, I've talked to a great many people about it. I don't want to go there but isn't it best for someone who already lives in a type of Hell to end up there? Like the title says, I just want to be done. Simply cease to exist, no matter where I end up in the aftermath. I've had that pounded into me, that that's who I am. The last thread of life that lingers on the sissors of death, waiting.

My friend may have seen something in me but I don't. He's not around all the time to stop me. If I break down again and he's not there, that's the end of it. There's only two things in life that scare me: spiders and death. I don't know what lies beyond and I don't like forgetting the things I know and people I've met.

 

Then allow us to sit in that dark room with you. Me, Keyblade Spirit, and anyone else here on in real life who wants to help you because we see you as a friend. You are not something that can just be thrown away, we're trying to tell you that there is an a reason for existance. There are many who would say differnetly, but I know that they are wrong. Finding your purpose is a struggle, but let us into your life. Trust me, I would be glad to meet you in real life and see your real smile. To do that though, you must stay alive for that to happen.

I'm not giving up on you; just like how I won't give up on everyone else; just like how God hasn't given up on you. The darkness seems to always dim the light. Don't let those who ignore you blind you from those who love you.

 

Doesn't that just make it worse? If I'd never brought it up, I'd still be Twilight_Nobody13, but now I'm Twilight_Nobody13 the girl who wants to die. I've ended up creating a label for myself. I was taught running away isn't the answer to your problems. I just can't find the answer to this one. My friend isn't going to be here next time. He's gone more frequently because of school and I can't even hold it together to make it through a single class. It isn't fair that I've become that person. I don't understand why I have to go through this. I've never raised my voice to anyone no matter how mad they make me. I just can't seem to find the courage or enough motivation to kill myself, or attempt to, again.

 

And I'm tummer: the unfunny Christian boy who can't hold down a relationship to save his life and may be too pridefu. Everyone in the world has their own baggage, and almost anyone here has a label for themselves. That's not what I think of you though, I see you as Twilight_Nobody13, the girl who is my friend and is obviously loved by a number of people. I am more like you than you can even imagine; we're both human. You need to cut yourself a little slack and enjoy the life that you are given. If you don't want to run away, then tell your parents that you are tired of the fighting and tell your friends that you are tired of their judgements. I know that you are in a dark place, but know that there are people out there who will help pull you out when you are ready.

 

Name five. Family doesn't count, of course they love me, I'm their daughter.


How will I know when I'm ready. I don't think I ever want to come out of this dark room. Leaving means I have to find a way to deal with everything else. I don't have a way to do that.

 

I don't know your life, so I don't know much about your friends, but this is as much as I could muster:
1. Me
2. Keyblade Spirit
3. Sakura Angel
4. The boy who saved your life
5. God
6. Jesus Christ (they are two different beings, but they are one in the same)

The only advice I can give to you is to pray, ask him for strenght to escape out of the dark room. Yes, you'll have to deal with the hardships of life, but I just listed six people who obviously care about you. As I've said, you are not alone now. If you stumble on the way, I promise that I'll be there to pick you up and so will everyone else. I can't say when you're ready to leave the room, that's between you and God, but I can say that the world WILL become much brighter when it happens. I'll also be there to, to assist you in anyway I can. For now, I'll in the room with you, to help comfort you.

 

Hmm so I can't really expect that day to be tomorrow can I? That's a better five than what I can come up with.

I have noticed a lot of people just stopping and reading but never posting. That's fine. I'm not saying they should, I mean, who would want to talk to a girl who tried to kill herself? It's just too depressing I guess.

I do feel a bit better though. Sitting in my own pool of self-pity isn't going to make things better. It's easy to sink down but harder to climb out. I don't think I'll get used to the light though. I'm accustomed to the darkness by now and the light kind of hurts.

 

^^
I'm really glad that you're feeling better. Believe me, the light kind of does sting a bit at first, but you'll grow to love it. I enjoy talking to you, don't forget that; and they may just not find the right words of encouragement. And that day can be tomorrow, as long as you feel that it is right.

 

Dying immortalises all that you are now. Sick of looking the way you are, and being yourself? Dying's not going to change that. All it will do is mean that when people think of you (and suicide WILL make your friends and family think of you), they will think of you as you are now. The only way to escape that is to actively change yourself. Try different things. Decide that you're going to talk to five different people each day, about whatever. The people you sit next to, for example. Just strike up a conversation. If the alternative is suicide, then I'm sure there's nothing particularly daunting about talking to them, or trying something new. If it doesn't work out, and it ruins your life, the suicide is still there. But while you can still try stuff, you should. After all, if you consider your current life worthless, you've got nothing to lose.

Killing yourself would make him even sadder. He's been through the same sort of thing, yet he was unable to help, because you didn't let him in. Shutting him out wasn't an act of kindness towards him.

Why do other people matter? Seriously, consider that. Why do you care what other people think?

Are you looking for acknowledgement? Someone to realise that you exist, and what you've done? The only person whose approval you need is your own. Live for yourself, not others.

Wrong. The world exists purely as you view it. Happiness can be created depending on your perspective. You have a negative perspective, so you view every minor thing they do (a glance away, them being busy when you want to meet up with them, etc.) as being a burning hatred of you. That's wrong though. If you turn it around, and instead recognise those events as coincidences, or nothing to do with you, while focusing on the highlights, everything will seem a lot more positive.

Again, all a matter of perspective. You're noticed here, and your friend cared enough to take you to hospital.

So what if they don't care about you? They don't want you to die or vanish. They just don't care. That's fine. You don't have to care about them or their opinions either. You've got friends, and you've got yourself.

Suicide because of a braggart in your class? Come on. Just use a few choice words, and be done with him. If you've already acknowledged him as a cheater, why does his opinion matter to you?

Making friends is less difficult than dying.

Dying is an option that's always open to you.

After death, it doesn't matter what you did in life.

From these three statements, we come to the conclusion that you're better off trying as much as possible in life. Hell, you're even better off getting hooked on P. After all, the other option was death. So if you've already resolved to die, then why not have some fun before hand? Make a bit of an effort to make friends. Social standing doesn't matter if you're planning on killing yourself, so you may as well try.

Did you send out invites or something? One friend being there, at a time where I assume you'd tried to make sure you were isolated and unable to be resurrected, is rather an impressive feat, and not one I'd take lightly.

So for someone who 'wished you were gone', he seems to be acting rather strangely. You'd almost think that he cares about you, and wants you to live.

What did he say to you?

If someone here cares about you, then they'll try to find info out about you, and discover it. A while ago, a guy named Soku died in a car accident, and word got back here. And people cared.

You haven't been posting for very long, but I've already noticed you in the spamzone, and I enjoyed reading what you had to say. I'd miss you if you were to suddenly leave.

So? You live for yourself, not them. The world doesn't have to love you. But if you have some people who care about you, that's good enough.

On the basis that heaven and hell exists, it'll be infinitely worse. That's the thing about eternal torture. It's eternal, meaning no reprieve forever. If you believe in heaven and hell, you're considerably better off enduring the finite trials on Earth, and gaining infinite peace, as opposed to surrendering to the trials now, and suffering for all eternity.

You define yourself, other people don't! Grow up, get out of school, get an education, and get a job. Find someone special, settle down, start a family. Stay in contact with your friends, meet up regularly, live your life. School doesn't matter in the long run. Those people don't matter in the long run. They don't matter now. They only matter, because you let them matter. Realise that they mean nothing to you.

Stop with the defeatist attitude. You posted in the Help with Life section. That's pointless unless you're actually willing to accept help. Your life may be crap, it may not. Either way, you need to stop hating yourself, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start trying to improve. We can help, but unless you accept help, nothing's going to change.

Do you want agreement, or aid? If you're only looking for people to agree with you, and tell you to die, you've come to the wrong place, as people care about you here. If you want agreement, try 4chan.

You've got your entire life to look forward to. If your parents split up, they'll be happier, and the conflict will be gone. What your brother does is his choice. Don't join him in screwing up. Instead, choose to try to get your life on track. God helps those who help themselves.

Sounds like a classic riddle.

Q. You're in a room with no windows and doors. What do you do?
A. Enjoy it.

In other words, given your current situation, try to be happy. Light a candle in the room. If it's all dark, you don't know what's in it, right? There might be a hidden trap door, or a party going on just around the corner.

No, you're wrong, that's defeatist crap. If you took that strong of a stance in other aspects of your life, you'd be flying, but for some reason you've decided to devote all that energy towards being unhappy.

Well take your friend's word for it. Trust his judgement, and try living. He might be right.

Then stop yourself. You need to be happier. Get a hobby, anything.

Why would you willingly subject yourself to your worst fear? Surely you're better off enduring?

Oh my, how embarrassing. Whatever will you do?

How can you still cling to such pathetic social standings such as reputation or embarrassment? Stop worrying about what others think of you. If some people like you, then fine. If not, then to hell with them. If you just act how you want to, instead of how others want you to, then you'll attract people who like you, and repel people who don't. It's all for the best that way.

That's exactly why this is happening to you. You've tried to please everyone except yourself, and you've ended up pleasing no one. You can't please all of the people all of the time. You need to stand up for yourself, and raise your voice. Try it out for a bit before you decide to off yourself. If it makes things worse, then there's still suicide. If it makes things better, then that's great.

Why don't they count? Are their feelings invalid because they're family? Won't they try to help you because they're family? Won't they mourn you because they're family? They count for all those things, and they count for your list.

Even so, you only need one person to have faith in you, and love you for who you are. That one person is yourself. And unless that one person loves you, then you're not going to make any progress.

The world's problems aren't your own. Your family's problems aren't yours. Your job is to get through school. That's your only priority. Sure, try to help others, but don't get crushed by their weights. You're in no state to bear the load of others' problems. If your parents split, then your life will go on. If your brother goes to prison, then that's still nothing to do with you. You have to live your own life.

You decide when that day is. If it's going to be tomorrow, then you have to grasp that tomorrow, and make it happen.

This is perspective. Half full, or half empty? You're ignoring the posts in the thread in favour of those who didn't post.

Some of those views are those posters checking up, seeing how you're doing. Others don't know how to handle your problem, or simply don't care.

But there are people who DO care. So pay attention to us, and not those who don't.

Good, you're getting the idea.

Move slowly if you must. But the thing is, you have to want to make an effort. No one else can make you happy. You have to try.

 

Pika is spot on. The sooner you reason that self-pity will only make you feel worse, the sooner you can continue with your life.

We all have angst, and sometimes we wish it weren't there. But what kind of people would we be if they weren't there? Certainly not ourselves.

Staying down on the dumps, enough to think of suicide does not help at all. Sometimes we have to get off our self-pitying, wangst-y butts, and do things, even when we feel we're not able to. You have the possibility of getting through this, but only if you're willing to get a little dirty and try.

 

Yeah I'm an idiot for bringing this back up. I haven't tried again and life's been pretty good. Though my dark room has been getting kind of crowded but I did make the mistake of isolating myself again; it's not fun in here but if I leave I'm horribly afraid of what'll happen.

Ok the real reason why I've brought this back up...I can't stop myself from remembering this. Everyother thought I have is 'why did I do it?' 'would it have been worth it?' There's a source of the voice that told me it is. I want to find the source. It's just a little too easy to imagine doing it again. Before I snapped, it was nearly impossible to think about such a thing without recoiling and gagging until I was sick. Now...it doesn't bother me, it doesn't even faze me. It can't be because I already tried. Just a few weeks ago, I still flinched when the thought returned. It's gone now, and something made it go away.

Everything is harder. My thoughts are fleeting faster than before. I know I have a touch of short term memory loss or something like it from my father's side of my DNA. It takes a long time to regain those thoughts. I don't need help with this........and I can't remember why I brought it up now. This causes school to be incredibly difficult. Can it be that this is the way I'm supposed to be told something? The only damn thought that returns to my head is suicide. I'm strongly against taking pills but my parents want to put me on anit-depressants. Pills can't be the answer....I don't know what I was hoping for from this, maybe just a little advice on how to handle it.

 

It is good to hear your life is pretty good. I don't really know you, but I can empathize with how you feel. Every day is a battle to live on. And hey, if you're too afraid to leave your dark room, just invite people in. They can show you the way out, but only when you're ready. And if they are a good friend they will wait years and years.

Judging by another thread you have a boyfriend who cares a lot about you, but you live in different time zones? Something to look forward to is moving to where he lives or he moving to you, or at least some visiting time every chance you got.

I wanna help more but my head is throbing. When it stops I'll come back to help more if needed.

 

I have invited people in, that may be the problem with my room. Too many people in it. I'll miss Sakura Angel, she cares about me and I care about her. I only say it this way because in a way everyone is still alive, no matter if they do die one way or another. I'll miss her even though I never really got the chance to talk to her fully.

Yeah he probably cares more about me than I do for myself and I do get to visit him on my 18th birthday. I don't want to die, I just want to understand my own head and that damned voice that tells me it's okay to think that way.

 

Killing yourself is not an option. I have had similar problems to you and have wanted to kill myself many times. Nevertheless, killing yourself will solve nothing.
I raged in hate and sorrow and labled myself as nobody also. I called myself a Nobody, Heartless, Hollow, and so many other names. I felt numb to all emotion besides hate, anger, fury, rage, sadness, loneliness, and so on.
How old are you?
Talking to a professional councelor (not the ones at school) would help. Even methods such as meditation, yoga, exercising, and arts and craft stuff can help tremendously.
To the kid in the gov. class; tell him to f*ck off. If he persists, pretend you don't see or hear him.
You can always message me.