Divorce, depression and feeling generally unwanted.

So, my mother and step-father are getting divorced and they're both moaning to me about it, with my mother saying how it's so unfair that my stepdad doesn't pay for this or do this and my stepdad taking a dig at my mother at every opportunity, calling her all things that I don't want to hear. It started when my mother met up with an old friend of the opposite gender, at the time, my stepfather was fine with it since they had talked about it. Now, he's saying she's cheated and she's telling me she hasn't and the constant arguing is really getting me down.

Now, that doesn't help the fact that I've been feeling depressed and unwanted recently. It started out with me making a very personal announcement to my friends and my teachers at college (none of the teachers actually cared) that I cut and thought I was depressed. I told them I hadn't cut in about a month, but I was finding it harder not to every day. My best friend hugged me and kept sending me encouraging messages because I was considering suicide. I still think about it from time to time, but the thought of leaving my best friend scares me since I care so much about her.
Then, I met up with a guy I liked at a birthday dinner. We sat next to each other, talked and flirted A LOT. At the end of the night, he kissed me and then, a few weeks afterwards, he told my friend that "What happened shouldn't be taken too seriously" and that he didn't like me. After that, I got a letter telling me that I had been kicked out of college for "Poor Studentship", I tried to appeal, but they wouldn't let me. I even got a letter from my doctor saying that I was showing signs of depression to give to them. So, that night, I cut my arm twice. Once for the boy I liked (let's call him by his codename, Batman) and once because I felt like my stupid emotions had screwed up my only chance of success.

The problems are:

1. I still like Batman, even though I probably won't ever see him again and I can't tell him. I'm too scared to talk to him half of the time in case he hurts me. Now, he doesn't know that my friend told me that information, but it still hurts.
   
2. I severely screwed up any chances I had of becoming a lawyer or a writer of any kind.
   
3. I feel like my family doesn't want or need me anymore.

So, KHV... what should I do. I really want to stop cutting forever, by the way and I'm working on it.

 

Not using iambic pentameter for this because it's a serious matter that is being dealt with by somebody who I really care about. I'm not going to waste time counting out syllables because this message needs to get to her as fast as it possibly can.

1. If you still really like Batman, then try to make him take what happened seriously. If right now he doesn't think it was serious, then do everything you can to make sure it becomes serious. I presume he's the guy you broke up with me for, so don't let me down by giving up on him. It just wouldn't be right, you know?

2. Yeah, you kind of did screw up your chances of being a lawyer, but writing is totally different. You don't need a college degree to write a great story and get it published. All you need are good writing skills, a great story, some money for the publishing process, and a publisher who knows genius when he sees it. You could do the same thing with a poetry anthology. Music is as simple (though not easy) as finding a person or band who'll pay you for the song. You'll have to start small for all of those of course, but that's how it goes for everything. Just get a small time job flipping burgers or something and work on your book and getting it published from there.

3. Whatever happened to your real dad? From how you've described him to me, it seems like he really cares about you. I'm sure he'll understand if you need to get away from the divorce issues and stuff. And even if your genetic family doesn't want you, I can assure you that most all of your friends wouldn't be able to on another day if you were to just disappear. I for one would fly out there just for the funeral, money no object. What it comes down to is that the people who care about you and love you far outweigh those who don't.

On the cutting, do try to stop. I personally am so terrified of it that I can't even stand to shave my own face for fear that I'll cut myself and enjoy the pain. So when you cut, try to apply that pain to what everyone around you must be going through knowing that you cut. That pain is just as bad, if not worse.

 

1. To be quite honest, Batman seems like a real jerk. Fancy doing something like that and not taking it seriously? You're wasting too much time on him, and too much blood. If you still like him, like really REALLY like him, then just stay friends for a while. At the end of the day, being friends is SO much better, believe me.
2. I don't know how the whole education thing works where you are, but I have to say keep doing what you love, and I'm guessing that's writing? You got kicked out, look at the bright side: No more homework! =) Seriously, though, keep working on writing stuff. As Pillows said, you have to start out small, but you will get there eventually.
3. I would also like to know what happened to your real dad. Maybe you can stay somewhere else until the fighting wears off? Aunt's place? Grandparents? Just because your mother doesn't SEEM like she needs you, doesn't mean she doesn't. She'll also probably understand if you need to stay somewhere else for a while.

Cutting is a physical mask for emotional pain, and it really just makes you feel worse. I came close, and then I did the exact same thing Pillows said. Imagine your family, friends, and people who genuinely care about you going through the same pain now. Double it as many times as you have to to feel remorse and stop.

Hope any thing there helps =)

 

I feel like you missed out a couple of things in your list that you mentioned earlier. Your mother and step father fighting should be included, as far as my experience goes, my mother and step father fighting every single night tore me apart mentally and emotionally. I remember I would stay in my room every night, only come out for food. They would scream at each other, threaten each other, tell me that one parent was bad and try to make me hate the other. It got physical between them, I saw him hit my mum a few times. In my opinion, none of the problems I have ever had are worse than what happened between them. I think you need to address their fighting and think about how it makes you feel. Once you know the damage it might be doing, try and bring it up with one or both parents.

1. Remember he told your friend that "What happened shouldn't be taken too seriously." Not everything you hear from friends can be 100% true. I wouldn't believe he meant it that way unless your friend has it on recording. You should take a chance and talk to him. He might actually really like you. He probably does really like you. It's better to come out in the open and say, "hey, here I am!" instead of hiding and believing he doesn't like you.

2. I studied creative writing (to become an author) and it's easy as pie! Your chances of becoming a writer are not wasted. Not sure how college works over there but over here in australia, if you flunk out of university it's possible to study at TAFE to get your grades bumped up to enable you to enter university once again. College is not always the only way to gain entry into being a lawyer. I'm sure if you look around you can find a way to get there.

3. You should speak with your mother and step father about feeling unwanted. They need to know. Remember that your best friend is there for you, she sounds lovely. Maybe, if you need help speaking to your parents about how you are feeling, you can bring her along for support.

I'll be happy to discuss any questions you have in detail with you through pm if you wish.

 

I'm sorry but how you're school reacted ticks me off but I slightly know that. I had a suicidal friend in high school whom the school didn't bother to help. The good news is I helped her stop the bad news in she then decided to find God to the extreme and told me every day at lunch that I was a sinner simply for not going to church and simply being a great person wasn't going to get me in Heaven. But enough about that.

First of all Batman is so not worth your time! I know it's much easier said then done but realize he's a jerk and probably a player and you can do so much better. Second either find another passion and aim for that or try and find another law school that you can attend. Third you have any idea how often I feel that with my dad? One day I felt so hurt walking home a part of me wished a car would hit me! Sadly, you can't do anything about family but learn from their mistakes. Don't let them drag you down with them; learn from what they're doing and don't repeat the hurtful actions. Take the things they do that hurt you and make a lesson in inner growth from it! Wow...that sounded less cheesy in my head. XD

And that right there is most important. Life happens! Just don't take it to seriously. Many are surprised to learn I'm afraid to wash knives because while I've never done I sometimes picture myself cutting or even stabbing myself and I'm afraid I'll actually do it. I think the main thing stopping that is the fact that while I suffer from depression on a genetic level, my sister also has it as well, I was raised by my mom to always find that little bit of light and I've become great at it. When things seem dark find that tiny bit of light glittering in the distance and grasp it until it grows bigger then the darkness. Wow. Look at me getting cheesy again.

I don't want to ramble so I'll leave it at that at least for now. Look....I've been told by my friends I'm great at getting people through these kind of things enough that I'm considering getting a degree in psychiatry. Point is if you need someone to talk to don't be afraid to message me; I love helping people when I can.

 

- About Batman : He told it to your best friend. Even though he' s a teenager I doubt he' s clueless enough to believe she wouldn' t tell you. Either he was serious but lacked the courage to tell it to your face or he lied. You should know better than me. Reading your post I get the feeling you might have sent him mixed signals, there arent fourty ways to clear things up : confront him about it. Whatever his reaction is you' ll be able to move on from there. You' re saying you don't want him to hurt you but then you cut yourself over the guy ? Paradox much ? What could you possibly have to loose by asking him ?

- About school : As other people mentioned your life didn' t stop the minute you got kicked out. You can look for alternatives, I don' t know which country you' re from nor the way things work there but I doubt your problem doesn' t have a solution. Even if you end up doing a boring job there' s still a life outside of it. Been there, still am. Hell, even people who end up doing the job they wanted aren' t necessarilly thrilled about it in the end, every single job has its ups and downs.

- About your familly : Tell your parents to grow up. Seriously. Their problems aren' t yours, nor should they be. If they can' t stop bickering for five freaking seconds, as you make it sound, then make an even bigger scene and tell them to stop it. Explain them that if they can' t act as the role model adults they' re suposed to be you might as well start acting as a 5 years old kid whose toy got stolen too. They like to play "who' s dumber" ? They' re both gonna loose.

You probably noticed my advices involve you acting up. You can ask all the advices you want, help, change, isn' t gonna come from anyone but you. I have a hunch you might feel guilty or worthless for some reason.
In case I' m right : you' re not, but hearing it from other people won' t help, if anything it will only further the guilt. You have to let go and live for yourself first. You ve got to stop paying too much attention to what others think or might think about you and start living for what YOU want and believe. I apologize if I sound judgemental, to be honnest I' m at a loss as to what I should say to someone who scars herself. I' m not so sure your teachers didn' t care, I think they freaked out. What you really have to deal with are the confidence issues behind your behavior. Again, you have absolutely nothing to loose, what people think of you and do will never matter half as much as what you think and do. No one has the key to your happiness but you, you' re the only architect of your own personal mind prison. The only way to get out is to start imagining the world as you want it to be and act on it (and maybe talking about your issues to a professional rather than total strangers over the net would be a good idea).

 

My real dad ran off with his new girlfriend and is trying to sell off my stuff if I don't have a place to put it after Christmas. Also, he winds me up about everything and I go without talking to him for MONTHS sometimes. I'm not mad at him at the moment, but we both have really high tempers, so it's unpredictable really.

The reasons I'm trying so har to stop cutting is because of two of my friends, I made a promise to one that I would never cut again (and then broke that promise and the guilt was unbearable) and the other, I just care about her so much. I know that it bothers her a lot, and worries her. I love these two people with all my heart, I really do, and I have to stay strong for them. But, what about when they're not around? Who will help me then? Everyone else who knows I cut (my family don't know and have never noticed) just turns a blind eye to it.

Writing is proving difficult due to the nature of stories that I write. I love writing them and all of my characters have a special place in my heart, but I can't get published even for free. I want to get my messages out there, I really do. But yeah, I'm going to stick at it. I have wanted to be an author since I was 6 after all...
I have no other family members to turn to, and they're all caught up in it really. Plus, it could be years and I wouldn't want to impose upon anyone.

Yeah, my college was reknowned for an "understanding with students", but they seemed to only think that Catholic students or any other religions were worth their time. I don't have a religion, and I never have, really. So, basically, if you underacheived and even if you were crying in every class, nothing was wrong until your parents said so. I wanted to stab them all, but I'm mainly over it. The getting kicked out thing anyway. But I probably will not be able to trust adults as much anymore.
I think, on a reccomendation from a good friend, I'll try night classes. Maybe I can do it that way.
Honey, I know how you feel with the car thing. I've walked in front of cars intentionally. And I have no intention on passing on their mistakes, if I ever put another human in those situations, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

It's not that I'm scared that he'll reject me. I don't want to lose his friendship, he's a nice, honest, funny guy who has helped me through a lot. I don't see him much, but when I do, we never stop laughing. That's why I can't ask him. Oh, and the fact I'm a shy person when it comes to stuff like that, even with my own family. Heck, I didn't want to tell my friends I liked him. I pretend I'm over him when I'm not. He drives me insane!
Also, I've talked to professionals before. One of them blamed the music I listen to, another treated me like a five year old. I actually talk to other people IRL before talking to you guys.

EDIT: I am applying for night school!!!