**CONTENT WARNING: may not be suitable for people with a sensitive mind** (basically do not come crying to me if you find it offensive or disturbing) I am not entirely happy with this and there are quite a few things I would like to change. I am trying to get back into writing more, and this was a practice piece. It is quite long but hopefully you won't get bored before the end. Comments and criticism are welcome, you will probably find that my own dislikes for this piece are the same as yours :b Spoiler Wash the blood away Wipe away the tears What’s done is done And you can’t change it Scrub the floorboards Rinse these dirty sheets Clean away all traces And you still can’t erase it Bury this blade deep Hide it far, far away Cover everything up Yet you can’t forget it Whisper, whisper People are talking See them stop and stare Their fingers pointing They all know what you did Though you keep your eyes to the floor Walk on by pretend you don’t hear But you can’t avoid it Its ok, it’s all ok You tell yourself in the night They have no proof you were too careful Weren’t you... Weren’t you? Yes, of course you were, you laugh away the doubts But your sleep is restless, your dreams are dark You can’t get over it Knocking at your door Glance once check twice No mistaking the dark blue uniforms Open with a smile “...investigating disappearance...” Come in come in, you say with a smile They never tasted the bitter poisons in their tea Hiding the car will be a bitch Faces flash before your eyes How did it come to this? You were the girl next door You were the high school sweetheart The prom queen and the sports star Straight A’s to bloody hands “All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand” Flash back to days gone by Standing on stage Lady Macbeth, standing ovation Thank you thank you, you bow to invisible crowds The drip...drip... of tea as it spills to the floor startles you out of the trance Dancing, dancing you drag the bodies to the car It can hide in the garage for now, good car Shadows move out the corner of your eyes They are gaining on you each moment Blink and they are gone Gone...gone...gone Like the people that you buried in the backyard You giggle at the thought and watch the flowers grow Though you don’t remember planting so many The flowers won’t stop growing You cut them down each morning but by night time they all grow back Filling the garden with the delicate blooms Spilling out their heady scent Though you don’t really mind, it smells better than it did “To die, to sleep; to sleep: perchance to dream” You remember dreaming don’t you? In the time before everything went wrong Now your sleep is filled with malformed shapes and deformed faces Whisper...whisper...whisper... The flowers are talking again; they really need to learn to be quiet “Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary” Weak and weary, weak and weary Though no Ravens fly at your window, and no-one taps at the door You can’t shake the feeling that you aren’t alone Footsteps creak along the hallways Unseen hands open closed doors Hide under your covers, close your eyes You can’t see them so they can’t see you You can’t see them so they can’t see you You can’t see them so they can’t see Rinse and repeat just like a hair product commercial Repeat the words that kept you safe from closet monsters when you were a child Footsteps creak along the hallways pausing at your door GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY You can’t see them so they can’t see you But still they chase you down Fleeting shadows Out of the corner of your eyes Do you see them? See their faces and what you did How did it come to this? It started with a kiss A love that grew though it shouldn’t have done A love that grew like the roses that flood the backyard Beautiful and heady but full of thorns You couldn’t let go How could he do this? how could he do this? “Parting is such sweet sorrow” So don’t leave, stay, stay, you wish he would stay But his mind was made up, he found a new Juliet Make him stay for always “The course of true love never did run smooth” You watched him sleeping, his face so calm A tranquil peace a delicate smile That stayed in place even as you brought the blade down A brief startled look, eyes open wide, no kiss goodbye It started with a kiss but ended on a knife Close your eyes and see their faces Open them and see them watching still They taunt you with their glazed eyes Their expressions mocking as they follow you around No peace no peace no rest for the wicked Weak and weary, weary and weak The numbers pile up Caught in a spin A dance of death Spinning spinning turning and turning It won’t stop Make it stop It won’t stop MAKE IT STOP Dancing, dancing, dancing Whirling and twirling Over and over again Over and over again Over and over again Falling and spinning hands raised upwards Caught up in the rush Tangled in the tides of death Pulled along pulled under kicking against the current Can’t stop now People to see People to kill Faces to forget Can’t stop won’t stop don’t want to stop Meet your eyes in the mirror See the horror etched in your face The creases at the eyes The reflection blurs as you’re blinded by tears You can make out the reflections of the ones you have killed Their faces in the glass though they aren’t in the room Their eyes full of pity not even full of hate How did it come to this? Where even the dead pity you Where you can’t even meet your eyes in the mirror Where you can’t even face me I’m your conscience dear But you’ve closed yourself off from me Will you listen now? Take the blade you washed so carefully And with it take your own life too Lay yourself to rest So that we can both sleep
I sort of freaked a bit. I kept reading it, and as I read I felt pulled into the girl's frenzy, her doubts, her everything. I like how this flows so perfectly, and the macabre undertones of a ruined life send chills to my bones. This is, by far, one of your best works yet. It just seems so amazing, and though it's long it felt very pleasing to read. Kudos to you for this amazing poem.
I very much liked reading it but I didn't like it as a poem. It felt more like a short stream of consciousness essay story. My preferred poem is very structured and has a musical quality in the form of a rhyming and rhythmic scheme, after all the original poems were sung. Diction was good but not exactly perfect by any means and story telling was also good but could have flowed more smoothly and had a more interlocking feel with the repetition. I'm not sure about the details since I'm not a poetry type anyways but I feel like this is not the result you were aiming for or I am not your intended audience. It's a good start for getting back into it, but you have a ways to go from here I guess.
Thank you very much. I have to admit I am actually in a state of shock that you thought so highly of it <3 :glomp: Thank you. You hit the nail pretty much on the head. It wasn't the result that I was aiming for, truth be told this was originally intended to be something else, but it malformed part way through and I went with it. I too see it more as a story, or a free flow piece rather than a poem. Thank you for the comments and the advice, as well as the support :b Both of you are writers that I admire a lot so thank you <3
