This is something i posted awhile back except i did alot more improving to it. Tell me what you guys think. Demon Children Stories: Kyle The first story is set in a small town in Ireland. This first Demon Child whose story is to be told is Kyle beginning on the 8th of April 2009. He walked to school in the pouring rain in his Uniform. It was raining heavily, just the way he liked. He decided to take detour and go through to nearby park across the bridge. He had 20 minutes, he thought, so he went for a walk. Other Students coming opposite to him and he saluted them as they passed even engaging in small banter with them. He hated wearing his uniform. Everything was navy, the pants, the socks, the jumper and the tie except for the shirt he wore under the jumper which was sky blue and the shoe’s which had to be black leather shoes. He walked across the bridge. It was a fine built stone bridge that dated back to a time Kyle never thought to remember. He stroked the walls of the bridge and it felt smooth and slightly wet because of the rain that was said to have come last night. Suddenly felt the bridge come from under him fell into the river as, what looked like black lightning struck it. He felt a panic at his core as his heart turn to ice as he felt the ground go from under him. He went to grab a hold of something as he fell down into the river but then realises he was there, on the bridge leaning on knee, his heart throbbing, “what just happened†Kyle thought. Kyle felt a bit panicked. He got up and kept walking on. He reached the park and it was peaceful because it was raining and it was a weekday which helped ease him about his little hallucination. There were trees lining the park with a giant wooden gazebo in the centre and grass everywhere except for the path he walked there upon with his favourite bench just away from the gazebo overlooking the water. He saw a willow tree and went over to it on the tree line. He touched its bark, rough and coarse and in his peripheral vision he saw something on the branches to his right. He looked at its branches and suddenly it went up in black flames. He ran over to put them out, grabbing bits of dirt and throwing it at the flames in futility until he realised as he stood back where he had stood only seconds ago. It was as before. He decided to just go to school because the walk wasn't doing him the deal of good he thought it would. He went to school. He entered the Gate. He looked at the front of the school and thoughts in his head felt heavy, as they always did when school was concerned. It looked beautiful from the outside because of the numerous glass panels and three sections of the slanted roof overlapping each other but on the inside it was just a building, like any other. He walked up the paved path, passed the old oak tree with its wooden seat and entered the schools doors. He put his hand in his hair and brought it towards the left of his face so that his blonde hair almost came over his left eye. He entered the door to find his year sitting in General Purpose Area, waiting to go to religion class. The place smelled of cigarette smoke or at times bad eggs because a person let off a stink bomb. Railings lined the General Purpose Area and steps led down to grey stools where people usually sat. The floor was a smooth and flat lino that was dark teal colour and a giant panel of glass sat between the people in the General Purpose Area and the elements outside. Steel supports hung 6 meters above everyone’s heads which supported the roof. The walls consisted of pure white cement blocks that were rough to the touch. There were weird assortments of posters on the walls, out-of-date and in-date. The secretary’s office was just beside the door where behind it, the principal office lies. He assumed they put the office there to keep a watch on students as they came in. He went over to his year to find his friends, Matt and Scott. Matt was a skinny, black haired 17 year old with a very impressive soul patch, while Scott was skinny 17 year old with short brown, spiked up hair who loved to discuss the instrument work of certain rock songs. Kyle was in between them both of them, he wasn't as built as Matt but was built enough, and had side-cut blonde hair. They were all Hardcore Manga fans which was there one common bond which led to development of their friendship. "Hey Kyle, what’s up man?" Matt asked as they sat on the benches. "Nothing don‘t worry" he said. Scott then said with a knowing nod "Sleep-lose". "Ya I think it is†Kyle laughed convincingly concealing his panic. "I think I’ll go see the councillor after religion" he told them as they picked up their bags to go to religion. The councillors’ office was a very small room which was lined with a big book shelf filled with books about careers, and psychology which took most of the wall. The carpet on the office floor was the same teal colour as the floor of the halls and General Purpose Area. There was very little light coming from a small light on the ceiling. There was a desk with a computer at the top of the office where the councillor was sitting. Kyle inquires "excuse me Mr. Faridey but can I ask you about something? I have been having these Hallucinations all of a sudden can you help me out?†Mr. Faridey was a black haired, browned eyed skinny man who might’ve looked brittle but he wasn’t as brittle as he looked. He did a lot of sports with the school and proved that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. He has fine chiselled features with a hooked nose and a genuine smile on his face constantly. Mr. Faridey responds "Well Kyle…†and after this it seemed to be mindless fragments of conversations which Kyle was too lazy to put together. “Now Kyle, Have I explained what could be happening" he asked Kyle. "Kind of?" he said confusedly. "Basically it could be down to any number of reasons. Just go home relax cut down on the Videogames a bit and get some fresh air, after that, if you still have these flashes then come back to me" said Mr. Faridey as he ushered Kyle out the door. He sat back at his desk and took out his phone. “I’ve found one but something is happening to him that hasn’t been recorded with others. He’s flashes started only within a hour period and then stopped, I will crush his resolve somehow and see if I can stop the change, if not we can just kill him†he said as he pocketed his phone and put it on silent... Kyle walked out of the office as he looked at clock on the wall of the General Purpose Area, just over where his year usually sat as he headed for the door and realised it was 6 o' clock and walked home feeling, to say the least, different. He rang up Matt, got the homework and did it in his bedroom while listening to music until half nine. After he was done his homework he felt unnaturally sleepy and went to sleep, the second he hit the bed. He woke up to the find that he had only slept for 4 and a half hours. It was raining heavily out. He had fallen asleep fully clothed so he jumped off his bed and walked down stairs. He took his black jacket and put it on. He walked out the door to be met with the brilliant lights which lit the street on which his house lay and the rain falling on his head. He felt as if something was unusual. It was too quiet, not a thing stirred. Even though it was early in the morning, the area was devoid of any movement, whether it’s from the cars of people early for work or on their way elsewhere. Kyle walked to the park. Kyle could feel a single presence, a powerful presence. He walked through the park and saw someone sitting in his favourite bench. He wore a black trench coat, black jeans, black boots and long dead blonde hair or which his face wasn’t distinguishable. The man had a cigar in his hand and smoke emitted from his mouth. “Sit down, will you†the man asked in a tame voice. Kyle sat down, and felt smothered by this man’s sheer existence. It was hard for Kyle to understand. The man just sat there with Kyle for what felt like hours just emitting smoke from his mouth as he smoked his cigar. Finally the man turned to Kyle and merely said “Heh, so you’re my precursor... do you know who I am?†he asked as his presence seemed to grow and grow, until eventually it began to crush him. It crushed and crushed and crushed until he was nothing but a thought floating above his body. As that floating thought he saw something which amazed him, but horrified him at the same time. The man began to transform. He fell out of bed came awake. That dream haunted him all week, in his classes; all he could think of was that feeling of suffocation, the question it posed to him and that transformation that began to happen. He felt distorted, as if he wasn’t real after that dream… He felt like he knew him but he didn't know how...He wondered whether he should drop into Mr. Farideys office. He looked over at the picture beside his office as he walked into school. Even though Mr. Faridey looked young with finely defined features and jet black hair, he had been working ten years and knew what he was talking about “didn’t he?†Kyle thought. That week seemed to go perfectly. All of Kyle’s worst classes all had been cancelled because of the food in the staff room making the teachers sick. The Wednesday of that week Mr. Faridey dropped €50 and Kyle picked it up to hand it back to him but Mr. Faridey "Just keep it, I have enough of money lining my pocket" he smiled as he continued walking. Matt was kind of jealous but Scott just said "Cool". All of the classes the three would usually have had were suspended due to food poisoning of the teachers a meeting during the weekend. Their year was assigned to the computer lab for the week with one teacher supervising all through the day. The computer was a giant room lined with computers. The three were separated but they simply logged onto facebook and began to chat on there on a different tab so that the teacher wouldn’t know, as did everyone else in the room did for that matter, even though they had a project due for Geography. For them it was an interesting week of talking on facebook during school which in everyones eyes was better than doing a Geography project regardless of the fact that everyone would receive detention for it. The weekend was spent sleeping constantly and to Kyle’s surprise that dream he had a week ago didn’t come as it hadn’t all week. The Monday had come again and he headed off to school. He entered the door to see his best friends sitting in the General Purpose Area as he always did. It was nice to walk in and see his friends sitting there waiting. Scott talking about which rock band was better to someone and Matt talking to someone about the latest developments in his favourite Manga. Kyle walked down to them and waved at them as he walked. Something caught his eye outside just within sight through the glass panels. It was a man in all black clothes with a balaclava to hide his face holding what looked like a sniper rifle. Before Kyle could take time to react in anyway two shots had been fired. Kyle turned to see Matt and Scott were on the floor, blood everywhere; their faces were obscured by blood. They were dead. He looked out the glass panels of the front of the school at the shooter who threw his gun on his back and began to run away from the school. Kyle felt a sudden illumination clearer than the sunrise. Suddenly Kyle felt a burning in his heart, a fiery fury at the death of his friends. He felt sadness but it was overcome by something that existed in him. He knew what he was going to do and without knowing how he did it. He dashed and smashed through the glass panels as he collided with the person who took the shots. The shooter was startled and mid-run he turned around to shoot him point-blank with the sniper rifle but when the man took his shot, Kyle felt the bullet near his left shoulder and parried the bullet as he twisted around to hit the assassin in the face with the back of his left hand. The hit landed and the assassin was hit hard enough to throw him into the school gates and break them in two. The mangled bars of the gate had cut the assassin right across the face taking out his left eye along with it. The assassin got up and with his left hand, kept the balaclava together but Kyle could feel a hatred being directed at him. “I’ll be back for you, you *******†the assassin said with venom in his words. Unexpectedly, with one movement, the man made one colossal jump in which he disappeared. Kyle wanted to follow but he could not. He needed to stay for people to recover the bodies of his former friends. Kyle now understood that dream. After the bodies were recovered he disappeared for two days. Two days later a twin funeral for Matt and Scott was held. The Graveyard was full of the living, more than there was dead. It was raining on the graveyard heavily. The graveyard was one of the biggest he’d ever seen with angels on every single one of the hundreds of grave within his vision. Matt’s and Scott’s parents were well off. He was wearing a black trench coat, black jeans, and black boots. Seats lined the graveyard and there was a seat reserved for Kyle but he stood behind the lines of seats with something in his hand. He had cut his hair short to match his stubble of a beard. As the ceremony began, everyone began to cry and wail. As the coffins were put in the graves everyone’s crying grew ten-fold. As the funeral ended, they all retreated to the tent, a short way away from the grave site. Kyle walked amongst the talking crowds talking playfully about his exploits with his friends. Laughter became infectious and eventually the occasion was no longer as sad as it had been. Standing over their graves were two stone angels on a pedestal each poised in serenity. Kyle opened the box in his hand to reveal Scott’s and Matt’s favourite manga’s. He rested them inside of plastic cases so they would endure the weather, if only for awhile. Everyone was watching Kyle as he began to walk out of the graveyard. Suddenly Matt’s and Scott’s parents came out of the crowd of guests and Matts mother spoke out of the four of them as Kyle had his back to her continuing to leave "How dare you!!! How dare you come here and desecrate their graves!!! You show up to the funerals of those you called friend and d-" but she was interrupted by Kyle who remained with his back to them. Everyone’s eyes were on him. “How exactly did I do that?†he asked. “By making people laugh as if this was some party and by putting those comic-things on their graves†she exclaimed. “And what would you have me do? Bow my head at them and cry at the fact that they are dead? No. That’s something they wouldn’t want, if anything they would want themselves remembered and I gave people my memories of them. They also would’ve wanted manga’s on their grave because manga was something they loved. If that’s desecration then what do you think will honour their memories?†he asked her. There was no answer. He glanced back at them and they could see his face, not full of sadness but with a look of calm on his face. He could feel everyone’s shock at the sight. “Goodbyeâ€. Kyle had walked from the graveyard to the main road out of the town. He wanted to find meaning in his existence. He could hear a noise which was growing in intensity…he heard a voice under this same noise “Make this fast and swift, don’t give the ******* time to change otherwise the Spiders are going to get really pissed offâ€. Kyle had not even walked 10 steps before he turned his head to the sky to see two helicopters coming down on top of him loaded with armed men. Once the Helicopters reached the ground the armed men came out and pointed various guns directly at him. As the Helicopter began to take off one more came out, Mr. Faridey. He had a huge scar on his face with a patch over his left eye. “Hey there Kyle, long time no see, let me introduce my team of people to kill you†he said in a smog confident voice. “As you can see I was the one to shoot your friends but then again I felt that it needed to be done. I feel that it’s your own fault this situation has broken out. I mean you made your friend’s sacrifices completely in vain by choosing to harness the power of a demon but then again…who cares. Life is random. Guys kill him†he said as the men opened fire. Kyle was shrouded in what looked like a dappled effect. He began to change. His Skin turned to gray, his hands turned to claws, a mask of bone grew which from above his nose down to his chin, and horns grew out of his head, which came around then down from the back of his head to just above his forehead. As Kyle felt bullets coming at him he swept his hand in front of him which caused a burst of extremely hot air powerful enough to deflect the bullets. “4...8...12...16...20...not including Faridey…†he thought. Kyle was too fast for them to see as he slipped under one of them, took the man’s knife and cut the man’s arm off as he channels heat through the blade of the knife to increase its cutting power. As the other men got a hold on Kyle’s position they shot at him again but Kyle threw the knife into the man’s leg as his bone mask disappeared and breathed a breath of black fire at them. The front four men were dead and the four behind them were severely burned…Faridey looked mildly entertained and he was sitting in the middle of a street with his M4 carbine at his side, just watching his men getting slaughtered… “15 men left†he thought to himself as he looked into the face of the panicking men, seeing that all powerful fear that was common in someone’s innocent youth and that fear of death. They shot panicked shots all around them as if making sure someone invisible didn’t attack them. Kyle jumped over them and with blew another breath of black fire down on top of them and the blazing heat of the fire burned the tarmac they stood. Three had been burnt alive and every other man was severely burnt…Faridey merely sat there, entertained by the scene. As Kyle touched the ground he let out a fierce breath in which flames went up into meet the cold air to create almost instantaneous rain clouds. The Men looked confused and scared as it began to rain and within a second, Kyle had disappeared. Suddenly a ring of fire burst out around them that dissipated almost immediately. Kyle had created a mist. From the mist came a tree which smashed against half of the men and pinned them to the tarmac. “It’s about time I finished this†he said as all the men all went back to back to each other and began to fire everywhere. The first man felt the knife come out of his holster and a half a second later he fell over as he felt his leg cut apart from his body…. Another half a second the second man felt his arm drop to the ground and he began to follow….Another half a second passed and the third man felt a deep slash go from his shoulder to his hip and he fell back….Another half a second passed by the four man felt his hand break as his hand turned around to shoot the fifth and sixth man in the legs and on the next half second the four man shot himself into the leg against his will….In two and a half seconds he had incapacitated all six men. He threw the knife into the tarmac with such force that it was stuck in it; it was unbelievable for Faridey to comprehend as Kyle walked right at him. With a click of his fingers a fire of black flames surrounded the men. “So this is it Kyle?†he said his gun fell out of his hand. “Why did you breath fire at those men when a click of your fingers and they would’ve gone up in flames?†Faridey asked intuitively. “Because…it’s more frightening to see a person produce fire than it is for it to simply to appear…†The heat from the black fire burning the bodies rose and the rain began to stop… “But then again is that really the case, how should I know though, I mean you’re the analyst. I mean it’s really all pointless isn’t it†the air felt hot and light…. “Well what we do isn’t pointless Kyle; we are part of the order of the world. We kill demons so that calamities don’t repeat themselves. Some of the most significant people in history were demons and the damage they caused was catastrophic and this is why we exist. We exist to protect the world simple as that. It‘s nothing personal Kyle, you merely threaten a value held by many people other than yourself so no hard feelings†Faridey says with satisfaction in his voice. There was a static feeling in the air… “Well then who is “we†Faridey?†Asks Kyle as he comes to a stop directly in front of Faridey. “Well that’s just going to be a secret you’ll have to find out if I don’t kill you first†he smiled as before Kyle could move another step Faridey was behind him. “Prototype speed and strength enhancement gear†He said as he throws a punch at Kyle except Kyle leans down to dodge the punch and brings his foot up to kick Farideys arm but Faridey was already ten foot away. Faridey tries to smile but by the time he found out that Kyle was directly behind him. Kyle let out a fierce breath of Black fire that engulfed him as he immediately jumped back. After the fire dissipated Kyle saw that Faridey had used his arms and legs to defend his body. His sleeves from the elbow up and the legs of his pants from his shins down were incinerated to reveal what looked like a black fiber with nodes on the fiber was on his arms and legs. “Your good Kyle but not good enough….this stuff is fire resistant and can take the physical strength of a demon….†he panted. The air had become so light and hot that for a human, it was almost smothering…. “I think it’s about time I finished this up with you Faridey†Kyle said as he appeared immediately in front of Faridey and grabbed his left arm crushes it, grabbed his right arm and smashes his hand off his knee, tripped faridey up and grabbed faridey by the throat. He smashed him into the ground and put his hand directly over Farideys heart. Farideys head was pounding from the hit he received and he knew he was finished. The strength with which Kyle he smashed him into the ground broke his spin and he couldn’t’t feel anything below the waste. “It’s time for you to die Faridey….†he said as the roar of thunder and lightning rolled through the sky. “I guess I might aswell….say something positive….So goodluck….you’re going to need it….Demon Child†he said as he looked at the sky as he rd it roar. “Goodbye Faridey†he said as powerful electricity powered around his body. Kyle pressed his hand on his chest and as Faridey closed his eye’s and before he could open his eye once more he heard the roar of the thunder and lightning as Kyle brought the lightning down from the heavens…then Faridey heard a whisper “Only Joking†and Kyle had disappeared and the lightning had struck the trees in the surrounding rather than him. Faridey called in medics in order to save the men he brought in. Tuesday 17th of April began the journey of a new demon child…â€.
Hear me out, I'm a little blunt sometimes. ^^; Editing: First thing that I saw that kind of ruined it for me was how you said it was Kyle's story. Yush, it's obvious so readers don't get confused, but maybe next time I suggest an element of surprise. Like... hint it's about someone, but don't tell the readers dead on who he/she is. Let them keep guessing until you feel that it's right to introduce them. Example from another story: There's one example. She didn't state who she was just yet, she started out by saying something that related to her story she was about to tell, and then jumped in and stated who she was before she continued. Second, I think the logic of placing certain ideas in a paragraph is a bit awkward. For example, in the first one you wrote: But putting it like this (and you don't have to listen to me) seems more logical: Going ahead and reading it, you really don't have to add in the other students since you don't expound on them long enough. Plus, he's taking a detour. Unless there's other students who take the same detour, I think he would most likely be alone. There's more I can edit... but I'll just give you a couple of insights of what I really saw. Critique: To tell you the truth, I couldn't get into the story. It seemed very, very rushed, and the writing is dry. There's no juice in it. Try to live it up a bit next time. Don't mean to sound so mean... ><; Um... take ideas from other writers. Pick up your favorite book and see how they write, and maybe practice their writing styles. For me, I picture the scene in my head like I'm watching a TV show. I'm seeing something totally awesome in my mind, and I want my readers to see it too. So I write out what I see to share with them, down to the details that matter the most. If you don't first succeed, try, try again. :glomp:
To be Honest this is exactly what i was looking for because i thought that it was bland its just i have a much larger picture. I'm doing stories about the main characters then expanding to the main story and beyond. its all up in my head its just getting it out on paper in the right way.
