Ok, so this is basically a story I dreamed up on the way home which I began to write. I don't take long to write these, it took me all this afternoon from 4:00 to now to write these, the first two chapters. Please don't leave discouraging comments (As if you'd do that anyway) just constructive ones. Basically, it's about two twin girls, in the world of Light vs Dark and one wants to become a Moon Dragon Rider. I'll leave the rest of the plot for you to read, but I'm planning on a VERY sad ending. ***Prolouge*** The world has always been divided, into half. Good and Evil, Light and Darkness. Everyone has their own opinions, and they often fight. It is a broken place, consumed one moment by seething darkness and bathed in glorious light the next. The two of us would break the laws of nature, the prophecy stated. Snap them into two. Light and Darkness, to be precise. We were barely old enough to know it, yet we would change the world. But for the better or the worse, we had no idea. *** ***Chapter 1*** "Kunie?" "Mmm?" "What are you doing?" "Um," Kunie paused. "I'm..." Kunie gazed at the summery fields, long grasses rippling gently with golden butterflies. Her big, blue eyes reflected the strong sunlight bearing down on their backs. The grasses tickled her ankles and she giggled. "Aaaah, are you looking at the sun?" Naruka rolled over beside her, moaning. "It's burns! It's too bright!!" She rolled back over. Kunie laughed. Her twin amused her. Naruka had always been the funny one. The loud one, the popular one. Kunie was the quiet one, and had less friends due to her shyness. But they were both happy, as twins, and as best friends too. They'd been like this all their lives. "Naruka?" "Hmmmm?" "Why do you dislike the light so much?" Naruka straightened up. "I don't dislike it," she said. "I just...like sleeping." Her sister giggled shyly and stood up with her sister. "Are we going back inside now?" "Yeah." "Awwww, man!" "Oi! Don't complain now!! We have to be ready, the current Moon Rider is on his last legs! Soon, the Moon Egg we have kept secret in this village will hatch, and choose its rider. It could be one of us!" Kunie laughed. "I don't think so!" Naruka's face remained straight. "I'm not joking." Kunie's laughter faded quickly. "You want to be a Moon Rider, don't you?" "So what if I do?" *** They walked in silence to their home in the center of the village. It was not large, but not too small either. In fact, to both sisters, it felt a lot like home. Their mother had always complained about it, but now she was gone, slain by the Darkness, and there was only two inhabitants of the house, Kunie and Naruka. "We're home!" called Kunie as a joke as they enetered the house. "Don't joke so openly about it!" growled Naruka sharply. Feeling stupid, Kunie faintly obeyed. As Naruka sat down at the table Kunie offered to make lunch and headed off into the kitchen. As she began to prepare the ingreedients she called out to her sister. "Sister? Why are you so interested in becoming a Moon Rider?" Naruka paused, then spoke. "Be- because...." "Yes?" "...Because of the power I could posess," replied her twin. "And what if you don't get to be the next Moon Rider?" "Then I'll....I'll find a way." "Mm-hmm.." Kunie chopped some onions. "And....I-I will become a Moon Rider...somehow! Even if I have to resort to Darkness to achieve it!" "You'd risk losing your mind, your soul?" asked Kunie, pushing a stray strand of light hair out of her eyes. Naruka fell silent for a moment, then replied. "...Yes." The whole house seemed to hold its breath. Kunie stopped chopping onions and turned to look at the door that led to the room her sister waited in. "I'm saddened," murmered Kunie. "I don't want to lose you, Sister." "I know," agreed Naruka. "That's what makes it so hard. I don't want to lose you either, but in losing you I would gain all I ever needed for comfort and happiness." "Am I not enough?!" Kunie surprised herself. The tears and anger had come so fast she could not control them. The salty substance ran off her cheeks and dripped onto the side of the chopping board. "....Kunie?" enquired Naruka, in a worried tone. "I- I'm fine," Kunie lied, and continued making their lunch. *** ***Chapter 2*** Dinner had been akward, Kunie decided. She had protested that her tears came from the onions, not from her twins' sudden declaration that she preferred power over her own sister. Kunie had been shaken badly and they ate in silence for the first time since thier beloved mother had died, three years ago, when they were 13. She remembered it vigorously, like a dream that she could not awaken from. The day they had all been together. Then the rain started. Kunie had been frightened by the thunder and lightning, caused by the Darkness. Her mother, kind and caring as always, reasurred her that the Darkness would never win against the light. That fateful day, when her mother died. Struck by the Lightning of Darkness. She had been rushed to an infirmary. All measures were taken to save her. But the Spirit Feeder had taken her souls. Taken them to the Unreachable Plains. Both twins swore vengence on the Darkness. Their mother had been the solace that both of them needed, that both of them missed. And now, Naruka was saying she'd give into the darkness if necassary, if it came to extremes. And Kunie didn't want to lose her. If she lost Naruka, her life would be meaningless and hollow, like a withered tree. Kunie was furious. But her fury, she realised, originated from her fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear created in the past. The silence lurking around the house was loud. Kunie couldn't bear to listen to it anymore. "I'm going to bed," she announced. Naruka's gaze burned on her back as she walked out of the room. As Kunie changed into her pyjamas (white vest and light blue shorts) she contemplated her day. Her sister had been acting very strangely. She was worried about her. Before Kunie could stop herself the tears were streaming down her face. She wiped them away, snivelling and sobbing. She heard her sister padding softly up the stairs and quickly restrained herself from weeping any longer. When Naruka walked into the room (wearing her black pyjamas) She found the light off and her sister sleeping in her bed. Concerned, Naruka let it pass, and exited the room. Her sister, now alone, let out a long sigh of relief. Naruka had been acting strangely since the morning they found out. They had been in the meadow as always, playing in the sweet long grass embellished with golden butterflies. They hadn't noted the villagers scurrying around in panic. They had discovered when the town crier, Preaco, was screeching the news to the rest of the villagers. "PREPARE YOURSLEVES!! PREPARE YOURSELVES!! THE PROPHECY IS TO BE SOON FULFILLED!! THE NEXT MOON RIDER IS SOON TO RISE!!" That had been five months ago. Naruka was still obsessed with the power of the title 'Moon Rider'. Naruka still enjoyed thoughts of power and control over others. Kunie was worried about her sibling. She was afraid Naruka would disappear in darkness. Slowly she closed her eyes. She had a strange feeling something bad would happen soon... ***
This is a good thing you have here. It's not the best thing written, but the story it sounds very good. One thing I did not like was presentation. This is too short, and if you can make paragraph with sentences that relate to each other, the better. At times I could barely differenciatte between the sisters due to having only such a short description on who was who, we have to relate to the names, since you use them so prominently from the start. You can do a lot with third person omniscient, make sure you use that to your advantage. Because I believe you can do much better. I see great potential, mainly because this story premise seems very orginal. Also remember that in conversations the reader doesn't have an idea of who it is the one talking. In the second conversation this happens badly, as you don't give any indication in any part of the dialogue, which would have been nice. I also don't think that the sleepwear part was neccesary to place inside, as if an added thought. That could be easily placed in the narrative. Also, you called Naruka...Naraku, two times in the narrative, you might want to fix that. Overall I think you have something good going on here, and would advise you to continue it.
