This is a Stroy I wrote awhile ago. Tell me how you like it. Chapter 1: Beginnings A 15 year boy named Ryan Makran was lying down under a tree. He was trying to get some sleep in the middle of the Spring afternoon. A small breeze came by and Ryan's black spiky hair moved a bit. But then a he felt as if someone was standing over him and he was right. He opened his eyes to see a girl about his age. She had a light blue jacket and she wore a uniform of the school Ryan would have gone to if Ryan actually went to school. Her long black hair moved when another breeze came by. Her shy green eyes looked at Ryan. "Um excuse me." the girl mumbled in a low voice. By the way she looked you could tell that she was shy and scared to talk to Ryan. "What do you want?" Ryan asked her in a cold toned voice. "Um... I'm Maggie Platz and I'm Class President of um... Echo Ridge High School." Maggie stuttered. She had a strange felling in her heart. She had never felt this way until now. She didn't know what to even say. "Let me guess. You want me to come to school so you can get more credit and become Class President again next year. Well that's not gonna happen." Ryan said coldly to Maggie. He didn't want anything to do with school. Ever since his mom died he won't even go close to school. He wouldn't go until the pain in his heart would go away. "No, I do want you to come back to school. But, not because of credit." Maggie said in a low voice. "Then why would you want me to come to school then?" Ryan asked as he sat up and gently leaned against the tree he was sleeping under. The soft bark made it easy for him to rest his head. "Well um... I want you to come to school because um... I want you to make sure you have a good education." Maggie stuttered and her face turned into a rose colored red. Ryan was shocked when he heard that. He never knew a complete stranger to care about him. Or even thought about him. "I'll think about it. I have to go now." Ryan said. He looked the other way and then he stood up. He slowly walked to the sidewalk and looked at Maggie agian. "Bye." Maggie mumbled as she waved to Ryan. "See ya." Ryan said and he gave a little smile and he waved slightly and started to strool down the sidewalk. "She was kind of cute." Ryan thought as he walked home with a slight smile. Chapter 2: Secrets Ryan walked through the door of his house. He threw his black jacket onto the sofa next to him. Ryan was about to walk into the kitchen, but he heard his father talking on the phone to somebody. "Is Friday night good? That's great. I'll pick you up at 7:00. It's a date Victoria." Ryan's father said as he hung up the phone. Ryan couldn't believe what he just heard. He stormed past the kitchen and into his room. He slammed the door shut and kicked his computer chair to the ground. "How could he?! It has only been 3 years since mom died! How could he go and start dating someone else!" Ryan yelled as he kicked his bedroom wall. "I can fell your darkness." Ryan heard a voice say. He thought it was only him inside his room. "Who's there?" Ryan asked confused. He scanned his room, but didn't see anybody. "I'm the darkness in your heart. You can give into the darkness. The power of darkness is eternal." the voice said again. "Who is it?" Ryan thought. But, just then Ryan stared to sink into a dark abyss thet had just had formed under his feet. "What's goin on!?" Ryan yelled as he sank deeper and deeper and soon he was floating in a dark nothingness. "Is this it for me?" Ryan thought as he floated deeper into the nothingness. "In every darkness there is light." another voice said. But this voice was different, it was familiar to Ryan. Then, a bright light started to form in Ryan's hands. When the light faded only a sword was left. "What is this?" Ryan asked. Those words echo around the dark world. "It's the light sword. Use it to free you from the darkness." the other voice said. Ryan thought he knew what to do. "Here goes nothin." Ryan gasped as he slashed the nothingness. In the slash wound a bright light came out and blinded Ryan. "Good work my son." the voice said and it echo inside Ryan's head. In the matter of seconds Ryan was back in the same spot he was in before. "Mom?" Ryan said as he looked into his hand he held the sword, which hade disappeared.
Very nice. It has a lot of potential and I can see an obvious mystery unfolding. Although for the dialogue that doesn't end with a question mark or an exclamatory, it should have a comma...like: "Um excuse me," the girl mumbled in a low voice. Also, you accidentally misspelled 'feel' as 'fell' and 'had' as 'hade'. :sweatdrop: Otherwise, great job - I can't wait to see more! :)
Thank you. And I'll try to work on mt spelling and words. Chapter 3: Hero Ryan’s father knocked on Ryan’s bedroom door. He wanted to tell Ryan the special news he had., but Ryan didn’t answered. “Ryan? I have something to tell you.” Ryan’s father said as he opened the door. He gasped in shock as he saw the room empty and the bedroom window opened. Ryan ran away from home. Meanwhile, Ryan walked along the sidewalk, about a mile away from home. “How could he?” Ryan thought as he looked at the ground. After all the darkness talk he still didn’t forget about what his father said.. Just as he was about to turn the corner he heard a girl scream. “What was that?!” Ryan thought as turned around and started to run in the direction he heard the scream. There he saw a group of what to look like a gang coming closer to a girl about his age. Ryan couldn’t see the girls face well, but something inside of him made him leap out. “Get away from her!” Ryan shouted. Then Ryan was in shock. He would never do that in a million years “Oh look here guys. We have a little hero.” the leader of the gang said as he turned around to get a good look at Ryan. “You guys pick on someone your own size!” Ryan yelled as the rest of the gang looked at Ryan with a blood lust in there eyes. “Get him!” the leader shouted as they all ran at Ryan. Ryan didn’t know what to do. “Great. Here goes my face.” Ryan thought as he closed his eyes tight. But then a bright light started to form in Ryan’s hands and the same sword appeared. “What is this?” Ryan asked as he looked at the sword. The gang members looked surprised when they saw the sword. “Don’t stop! Go get him!” the leader shouted as he charged at Ryan.
It's a good start. Grammar is still a bit of an issue. And it seems like you're moving a bit too fast. It's a good idea though, I'll be looking to see how it turns out.
