Confused?

I hate to make another help thread, but I have one more thing that I want to talk about. I think it's important for all of us to keep certain things to ourselves, but sometimes we need someone to talk to and I feel that I can talk to KHV on a different level than in my personal life with some people.

Well last semester I watched "Laramie Project". I fell in love with the movie - in an emotional way. To recap on the story, in October of 1997 a young man named Matthew Shepard lost his life from two guys who killed him in a hate crime because he happened to be gay. He has been an influence across the community and in relation to any new hate crimes that occur. Matthew will always be remembered. After watching The Laramie Project and reading it in my college English class, I became interested in more about the story. I bought The Laramie Project and "The Matthew Shepard Story" movie and became very emotional. I stumbled upon this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=no1Mr5ShSk8). It later influenced me to make this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3LAtuaagso), which I also posted on here not too long ago so I could help out people. In life, I just want to do what I like and at the same time, I want to help out people...but how can I, if I'm so hard on myself? I spent two hours writing a letter to Judy Shepard letting her know that all her efforts are encouraging and that she's a very strong lady.

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Recently, I've came to conclusion that I may be hard on myself because I may be confused with my sexuality, which I also explained in the letter to her. I think I felt I learned that through this project and with the efforts of what Judy and her husband are showing across the country. I felt that Matt was a good looking kid and maybe that also sparked my interest in watching the movie? I'm not even sure, but I'm trying not to think about it that way. I'm just trying to go on with my life and not think about it, but I am 24/7 thinking about it. I've never been in a relationship with a girl (except 5th grade, which doesn't count). At any rate, I'm confused with myself. To be honest I'm not happy with myself and I'm not sure whats going on anymore. I've talked to my family about how I'm confused. Turns out that they are fine with it, but I still haven't told my mother or step-father. I know they won't accept it. it's a fact...and I know I won't accept it either because I just dont--. I don't know. I'm also not ready to make that choice because I might end up affecting my life in either decision, so I'm worried I might make a mistake. I think the feeling of hating yourself can became overwhelming. Instead of being as strong as I've been trying...I'm failing badly and I'm sorry KHV. I feel as if I'm a hypocrite. How can I make that video above and feel this way? I focus on making others smile and not myself because that's just who I am. When it comes to me, I-I just hide. When I watch things like The Laramie Project, I become an emotional wreck. I know that being confused doesn't have to mean that I'm bi or gay, so I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it is different than a normal straight person. I guess I should embrace life and let things happen for the way they fall. I'm just not sure how much longer I can deal with this stress.

Anyway, surprise KHV! I'm not what you thought...or maybe I'm not what I thought. Either way, I feel lost and that IS indeed pathetic. My last thread that I created has to do with a social aspect. I'm to blame. I locked myself away from others for years just working on my sites, KHV and my videos. I didn't have a big social life because of the choices I made. I was afraid of others, because in school I was called "gay" for liking a female celebrity. I never really trusted anyone, but I still had the drive to help those that needed help - even though I wasn't doing too well. Now - the past two years I've been looking to hang out with so many people, but the answer is clear. We are all busy and we are just getting older. The fact is, I let my childhood years go, but I guess its worth it? I mean I have Ven's voice and I feel like I accomplished so much. Guess it doesn't really matter though. What good is it to do something like that, but not know yourself?

 

Hey Mike.

Sounds like you've been in your head too long. All I can say is do whatever makes you happy, that's what I think everyone should strive for in life. Forget about what your friends or family think for a second and just think about what is going to make you happy. You can never please everybody in the world, but you can always make sure that you are happy. And you do have friends who are always there to help you out.

 

Regarding your statement about being an abnormal heterosexual, I don't think you are abnormal at all. I won't talk about it, but I've done my fair share of things a lot of people would consider that would make me homosexual.

Also, even if you are homosexual, who cares?

If your parents have a problem with it, then they're stupid. Parents should be there for their kids, through thick and thin.

 

I agree with what Tummer said, you should think about what makes YOU happy first, because then, how can you make others happy if you don't feel it yourself, right? I know it's hard to not think about everyone else's thoughts or feelings but...I think sometimes we just need to stop and think...
"what would make me happy?"
"will it keep me happy?"
"is it worth the effort?"

Its not easy, I know. I myself put up a wall, a sort of facade, to please others so that they don't feel the need to worry or stress needlessly. And I think, although sometimes it doesn't seem like it, it puts others at ease which makes me, in a way, happy. But, I think for you, the only way you can be happy is if you put yourself out there and try your best. Take chances. And as someone quoted somewhere, " it is better to have loved and lost that not loved at all".

(I might have more to say, so I'll talk to ya over IM)

 

Man Mike, I feel your pain. As I've said in our conversations on Skype I've dealt with the idea that I might be gay or bi and like I've said I just don't care. I love who I love and that's that. Don't give two craps about who says what. I've also have to say that your thinking WAY too much Mike. I'm 20 and have only just now found someone who matches me who happens to be female which only means that your going to meet someone down the line who will match you be they male or female and if it turns out that you are gay or bi be proud of it, it's not like it's going to change you or cause you to do a complete 180.

Let the chips fall where they may. Just keep being yourself, even though we live in our bodies we may now know ourselves but that doesn't mean we can't have fun while we're at it the mystery is all part of the grand adventure called life.

Hope that helped you in some way. I'm always around on Skype should want to talk to me.

 

A subject I have some experience in.
When I was about 15, I began to realise that I wasn't straight, and that got me really worried. My first reaction was to deny it completely. I was convinced that Homosexuality was bad, and that Heterosexuality was the only correct way.
Of course, in my case I'm a Bisexual, but I still have the same issues. I've never spoken to any member of my family about it, only to close friends and, somewhat more recently, publicly here on KHV.
The first thing you need to consider is that sexuality itself is primarily genetic in nature. If you're homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, or anything elsesexual, it's because it's in your biology. You're not responsible for it in any way, and for that reason I don't think anyone can be judged based on sexuality alone. 99% of the members here seem to like you. I doubt what you've told us would ever change that.
Maybe this hasn't been much help, maybe it has, but my main point is; you'd be far from alone on the way you're feeling right now.

 

I never think about my sexuality because I'm too young to have an girlfriend or a boyfriend. So I can't help about this, most of the people in my school are those damn teenagers prejudiced who if see a gay, bi or lesbian will make everything to make theirs life be the hell.

Some of my school call me gay because I really care about my friends, friendship is the most important thing for me, I like a lot of musics (this part it's exactly like your case. I like Britney, Selena, Katy Perry, Demi Lovato etc), etc. My friends are just everything to me, I can't live without those I love or being loved. That's the why some schoolmates keep calling me gay, they're just annoying and I ignore them. Never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. As I already said, I don't want to complain with that for now.

Sorry, I'm talking more about myself. Let's talk about this later on MSN, if you want.

Just do whatever you feel like it is the best for you. We won't be happy if you aren't. Follow your heart and dreams. What do they tell to you? I will be really happy if you be, don't matter what way you choose to live, I will live with you. We're friends after all, aren't we? I'm glad I met you, and I will always be your friend, regardless which way you choose, it doesn't matter for me as long you're happy. I will be by your side.

I know how you feel, I feel confused about so many things, like there is over 999999999 of me in my head and I feel like want to solve it, but after some seconds it just seems impossible and I try to ignore.

Feel free to talk with me via VM/PM/MSN/Skype or whatever. You do so much for us, and we want you to be happy too. You aren't pathetic for creating any of those threads, you were doing to right thing, open yourself, then see what's inside.

What I have to tell is... Follow your heart, believe in your dreams. Be who you want to be, don't let anyone take from you the things that are important to you. We're all in this huge thing called life, always trying to know ourselves more and more, better and better. Just like we love, care, laugh, smile, share... we loose, feel pain, cry, be confused... and we have to pass through each one of those things.

As for the video, let's separate you from who you want to help. I feel hypocrite in telling you all those things above, but I don't care. This is for you and I really don't care how I will feel after this. Just like you do for all of us. So think over and over about what you want, what you feel. Open your heart and listen.

 

I'm surprised by the amount of comments and feedback that I got. I was worried about opening up to you KHV, but I guess its not SO bad. At any rate, I have a long way to go but I guess I should just embrace life. It's a lot easier said than done though. At any rate, I have to choose if I want to ignore it, or go for what ever makes me happy?

 

I believe that if you ignore anything, it will haunt you in the future. But even with that, don't hurry.
I also believe that keep on going living with what makes you happy, the answers will eventually show up.

We pass a whole life searching for ourselves and for what we want. The answer may not be clear now or tomorrow, but we need to continue. We don't know when, but the answer will show up sooner or later. Just keep searching for it, while that, don't forget to search for what you like, for what you do. The answer about everything will come as long we keep on moving forward.

 

Couldn't have said it better :)

 

Just shoot for whatever makes you happy man.

To spend life ignoring it is the same as what ifs?

Just know that you'll never be alone, be it online or off. I and many others here will ALWAYS be here for you.

 

I don't like telling people what to feel or do but think to yourself will you ever be truly happy if you ignore what you are and more importantly who you are. gay or whatever you are as long as you still stay YOU who cares ^.=.^ but you also have to be happy being you and having something like this over your head isn't gonna make you happy... look inside yourself thats all you need to do

 

Why are all the good looking guys gay? : P

If i'm going to be honest here, don't just think to surpress it or to go for it. I advise you to not seek either. Stay in the middle on this one, meaning don't go to situations that mean you reject the possiblity of being homosexual like going to a strip club, and also don't seek out gay bars or situations like that. Stay open to the possibilities.

Let the situation present itself to you. Don't think about it now, you won't get an answer you whole heartidly believe in. Instead if a situation comes up with a man or woman intinately of some nature then simply go with it the way your thinking at the time. You'll come out knowing more about yourself that way.

I myself went into a situation, wasn't really thinking about it at the time, and then came out knowing osmething new about myself. That I didn't care about the differences between the sexes, I just cared about the people they were more so and how I felt about them. In the end I believe i'm at least bisexual because of that situation, otherwise i'm sure now i'd think i'm just hetreosexual and nothing else.

You may not be able to see who you become by your choice of sexuality now, but after you've tried different thing you'll be able to understand yourself more.

Just go with the flow of what your like at the time.

 

I know, right?!

Haha

 

What everyone has discussed in the thread makes sense. A lot of it is true. I just have to wait. I shouldn't push myself into either or. I should wait and see what happens. I'm sure that will then bring me to a point in my life where I will know who I am. The problem remains...

I still don't want to know, but I have no choice but to find out. I've opened up about being confused for two reasons. For the first reason I needed advice. I wanted to just shout it out to the world so I wouldn't be the only one with this issue stuck in my mind. The second reason was to show other members that I'm in the same boat as them who are also confused. It's quite funny to see how people think just because I'm a staff member on here and passionate to my work - that people actually think I wouldn't cross a problem like this. It's unrealistic to think that, but some people do believe that.

I think I have a powerful vlog in mind...and I have some ideas to go with it, but I might want to take some weeks/months to carefully examine my situation and piece my message just right.

You're not talking about me, right? Far from good looking. I guess I'm decent, but nothing special. There are a lot of guys that are gay that do look good.

 

Yup! I think that's the spirit.

Just because you're a staff member this doesn't mean you could not cross a problem like this. Actually, I have forgot that you're a Reporter. I just remember when I see one post in the Home page. Besides that I forget about it, haha.

Yea, it will come a time when everything will finally come together. While that, keep searching and waiting for this time, keep up living, but don't hurry or worry. We're still in the way.

 

Thank you. Just when I want actually. XP

It's Mike we're talking about. If is a friend we're talking about I can be the best of my class, haha.

Always count with me! And you know that!

 

Geez, what a bunch of attention whores! This isn't about you two. What a bunch of selfish people!
Just kidding. At any rate, that was well said my friend.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. It will get you nowhere in life. Take it from me, I know.

 

Ha, you're like a God without fault, a perfet Adonis? No you're as human as any of us. More so for sharing problems you have with us.

And yes, part of growing older and wiser is the fact that though we may not want it to happen, to gain knowledge about the real world and open up our dark side, it is thrust upon us at some point.
But we all survive in the end, gaining something unique to our, but we always gain more than we lose.

Believe me, out of anyone, opening up yourself to yourself and having to accept it is one of the toughest and scariest things i've yet to do. But the reward is you feel comfortable in your own skin, your own body, your own image, yourself. You are a greater person because of it.
Just be ready for the right time and go with it.

Anyway, I think you look attractive Mike, from what I remember of your pics and so forth. And this is me not being flirty or anything like that.