Alright you guys, here's an excerpt of my book. It's 1st person POV. Let me kinda explain what's going on. First off my character's name is Kerianna (my name as well. What can I say? I'm a bit cocky =]]) She has just learned about these creatures that an evil mastermind named Carrick has created. The creature is called a Lunn and it's super huge and crazy strong. She has been training for a whole month with her to gaurdians; Declan and Braeden. Declan is super strong and Braeden can control the elements. This scene is from my sixth chapter and is where Kerianna first battles a Lunn. Hope you guys like it! =]] Please feel free to comment and let me know what ya think! =]] I showered quickly and pulled on some jeans and a light pink scoop neck t-shirt. I pulled my wet hair into two short pony tails and pinned my bangs back to the side. I slipped some flip flops on and had just walked out of the bathroom and back into my bedroom when I heard someone scream. Shaela jumped up from my bed and ran out of the door. I quickly followed her but I couldn’t run very fast because of the flip flops I was wearing so I kicked them off and headed down the stairs behind Shaela. Declan and Braeden were already down stairs in the foyer with a few other members of the organization, all in their pajamas trying to figure out what was going on. Declan’s daggers were in his hands and Braeden had a ring of fire around both of his wrists. “What’s going…,†Was as far as I got before glass exploded all around us. We all dropped to the ground and I covered my head with my hands. There was more screaming all around us and once the shower of glass stopped I scrambled to my feet to see what had caused the explosion, I got my answer. Standing in the middle of the foyer was a Lunn. There were a few bodies sprawled on the floor and whether or not they were dead I couldn’t tell. I screamed in my head for The Adalane and it appeared. “Get Neil and Alaina! Call on everyone who can fight as quickly as possible. Shaela, gather the children and go to the bunker!†Braeden shouted. Shaela nodded and raced off towards the stairs. A few others shook their heads and ran off to get the others. The Lunn had jumped through the tall windows that had surrounded the front door and it was now in the middle of the foyer twitching its head from side to side and up and down as if looking for something. I had never seen anything so big before in my life and I was terrified. Declan had his daggers held high and looked ready to pounce at any second. Declan was forming fire balls and had them dancing around his body. I gripped The Adalane and the wings solidified around my hand and I felt heat surge through my arm. This is what I had been training all month for. I was scared but I wanted to fight, especially if some of my new friends had been injured by this monster. “Kerianna, I hate to ask this of you but I need you to try and stab this thing. The Adalane will destroy it quickly. If you can’t get close enough to stab it in the chest try to seriously maim it and Declan and I will finish it off.†Braeden shouted. Declan moved a few steps back until he was in front of me and then turned towards Braeden. “Are you crazy Braeden? She’s not ready for something this big!†Declan yelled. “We don’t have a choice right now Declan! Keep her covered and once everyone else gets here we’ll fall back!†Braeden yelled back. “I don’t like this plan Braeden!†Declan shouted. “I’m not a big fan of it either but it’s all we can do! Everyone else is down in the basement and it takes a few minutes to get here from there! Protect her and she should be fine! Kerianna, go!†“Got it.†I replied and I ran straight towards the Lunn. Its head stopped twitching and it looked straight at me, but instead of pondering for a few minutes like the Lagaren did it charged towards me as soon as it saw what was in my hand. I guess Declan had been right when he said that Carrick would find out that The Adalane was back. The Lunn swiped a gloved hand at me and I rolled out of the way and took a swipe at its legs. The Lunn dodged it and tried to stab me with one of its spiked claws. Declan threw one of his daggers at the Lunn’s hands but the armor was too thick for the dagger to do any damage. Declan growled in frustration and then slid into the Lunn’s leg to try and knock it down. The Lunn stumbled a bit but quickly regained its balance and took another swipe at me. Declan blocked the blow with his arm and I heard a horrible crunching sound and prayed that it hadn’t been Declan’s bones breaking. Braeden started throwing some of his fire balls at it but didn’t do much damage but make the Lunn more annoyed. The armor must have been tough. I tried to stab it again with The Adalane but the stupid monster kept moving its legs! “Don’t you guys know how to kill this thing?†I shouted while dodging another blow. Declan was weaving in and out of where I was, constantly trying to block the Lunn’s blows towards me as well as towards himself. “With The Adalane of course!†Braeden replied, shooting more fire balls. “Well duh! But don’t you know how to incapacitate it so that I can get a clear shot!†“We’ve never fought a Lunn before!†Declan shouted as he dodged another kick from the Lunn. “Well that’s just great!†I complained loudly while finally jabbing The Adalane into the Lunn’s foot. The Lunn roared loudly and slammed its fist down where I had just been standing; luckily I got out of the way just in time. I heard foot steps running towards us and I turned to see Neil and Alaina along with Keith, Liam, Riona, Rosaleen, Kayne, Kendell, Glynn, and Nylah. “Braeden, Declan, protect The Adalane Wielder and back off! We’ve got it from here!†Neil yelled. Declan and Braeden shouted ‘yes sir!’ and then ran right in front of me with their hands out stretched as if trying to shield me and started backing up forcing me back as well. Alaina raised one of her hands and started lifting every piece of furniture in the foyer into the air. Riona and Rosaleen were bending the sculptures into huge boulders and raising those into the air as well. Liam and Keith ran straight towards the Lunn and each grabbed an ankle and lifted the Lunn right off of the ground. “I want to help!†I yelled and tried to move past Declan and Braeden but they wouldn’t budge. “Sorry Kerianna but that’s not an option. We have direct orders from Neil to protect you. You can’t handle this just yet! Trust us!†Braeden yelled. “No! I can do this! I was doing just fine! You even allowed me to fight!†I yelled pushing against Braeden. “Only because that was the only option, now that everyone else is here you need to stay back. They’ve got this.†Braeden replied, but I could see the anxiety in his eyes. Declan was literally growling while he watched everyone else fight, his fists were clenched tightly. I knew Declan wanted to be in the middle of it but I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to convince him to allow me to fight. I was a lot stronger than Braeden though and if I could get him out of the way Declan would be too distracted with what was happening with the others that I would be able to break free and go fight. As I was about to put my plan into action Neil shouted ‘now!’ and everyone started throwing the furniture and sculptures at the Lunn. Glynn and Nylah had huge bazooka looking guns and were squirting some kind of liquid at the Lunn. The Lunn started to smoke from where the liquid was hitting it and then it roared loudly again and threw its arms out and a huge gush of wind knocked everyone flat on their butts. Everyone recovered quickly though, except for Riona and Rosaleen. They were both still lying on the floor. I didn’t have time to see if they were alright because just as I started towards where they had fallen I heard Alaina scream. I turned towards the scream in time to see the Lunn smack Alaina hard in the head and she was then sent flying through the air. She hit the wall with a loud thump and then collapsed to the floor. “MOM!†Declan yelled and ran straight towards her. Neil and Braeden quickly scrambled to their feet and ran towards Alaina as well. Liam and Keith were trying to help Riona and Rosaleen up, both of the women were used to mind abilities only and when it came to strength they weren’t the best. They must’ve been really hurt because they were barely stirring. “No…†I whispered. Alaina hadn’t moved at all. I couldn’t even tell if she was breathing. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. Alaina was so kind and so caring, she couldn’t be dead. She just couldn’t. I was so mad that I started shaking. I felt a surge of heat run throughout my entire body. I could feel my energy filling me and I felt as if it would all burst out of me soon. I screamed loudly and raised The Adalane towards the creature and heat surged through my arm and into The Adalane, it shot some sort of lightning towards the Lunn. I had no idea I could even do that but apparently The Adalane knew I could. The Lunn was hit by the lightning and it stumbled back as if it had been punched, but it still wasn’t dead. I yelled in frustration and ran towards the Lunn with The Adalane raised high. “Kerianna, no!†Braeden yelled. The Lunn hit me hard in the chest with its foot and I was knocked to the ground, the air leaving my lungs quickly. I gasped for breath and scrambled back to my feet. My chest felt like it was on fire and I knew that I had broken a few ribs. I didn’t care though. I wanted this thing to pay for hurting my new friends, so I ignored his plea. I pointed The Adalane towards the Lunn and saw the glow around the creature and I invaded its mind. My head exploded with pain as I started to force my own will onto the Lunn. I had never felt so much pain before and I felt my knees weakening. I couldn’t handle it, I grabbed my forehead with my other hand and tried to concentrate but I felt my concentration fading. Right when I was about to fall to my knees I heard someone say my name. It was almost a whisper and I knew it wasn’t Declan or Braeden. Or anyone else in the room for that matter, they were all too preoccupied. It was the same voice that said my name outside of my dorm right before I saw the Lagaren. I was in too much pain to really think on it but it said my name again. It was as if I was wearing headphones, the voice came from directly inside of my aching head. Right when I felt I could fight no more the voice spoke again. Kerianna, you can do this. Force your will into this creature, no one but you can do this. I gasped as it spoke. I didn’t know who it was but I felt The Adalane grow warmer. I grabbed at the energy it provided and shook my head. I looked at the Lunn again and forced the rest of my will onto it. It didn’t want to move and I could feel it fighting me, fighting the invasion but I kept concentrating. I finally had the Lunn on the ground and I lifted The Adalane high about to strike when it swung one of its hands and hit my left arm. I felt my bones snap and I screamed in pain. My arm fell uselessly to my side and I lost what little concentration I had left. The glow left the Lunn and it quickly stood back up and punched me in the chest. I fell straight to the ground but thanked my lucky stars that its spiked claws hadn’t got me. I heard Declan shout something but I couldn’t quite make out what he had said exactly. I couldn’t hear too well, it was almost as if I was under water and everyone else was on the surface trying to talk to me. Declan ran to me and held his hand out to me but I pushed it away. I just needed a few seconds to regain my wits. My chest felt like it was fire and my arm had its own heartbeat. I was in so much pain I could barely breathe, but that could also have been due to the fact that I probably broke all of my ribs. Braeden joined Declan and I shortly and I tried to stand back up but I was very unsteady and I swayed uneasily and fell back towards the ground, but Declan caught me before I hit the ground. Liam and Keith had finally got Riona and Rosaleen up and safely with Neil and Alaina and the two men rushed over to us. “Keith, grab the left ankle and I’ll grab the right. Braeden throw your fire right in front its eyes and try to obscure its vision. Kayne and Kendell make sure the Adalane Wielder doesn’t get hit by anything. Declan grab you daggers and jump up to its chest and try to stab its throat, if you can get a good cut it should bleed out and get weak enough for the Adalane Wielder to stab it. Adalane Wielder, I know you’re hurt but try and stab it in the chest while it’s distracted by us!†Liam yelled while running straight towards the right ankle. All of the guys did as they were told and I struggled to get up. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to defeat the Lunn myself. I felt responsible for Alaina, Riona, and Rosaleen getting hurt. Declan looked at me and I nodded reassuringly. Declan hesitated slightly before letting go of my arm and running towards the Lunn. Braeden started throwing fire towards the Lunn’s face and I saw Declan jump onto the Lunn, jumping from limb to limb until he was close to the shoulder. As he was about to jump onto the shoulder I saw the Lunn rear its arm back to strike at Declan. Fear gripped me as I pictured Declan being hit, I had to save him. I ran straight to the Lunn and pointed The Adalane towards it. I felt the all too familiar heat and saw my bright glow, which was very close to a white color, as I invaded its mind again. The horrid pain returned and I fought it with all of my might. This time I forced its hands behind it head before I forced it on its knees. My head felt as if it was about to explode and I started seeing white stars as the Lunn bent to my will and knelt to the ground. Declan had his daggers at the Lunn’s throat and was ready to stab at any time and Liam and Keith were trying to keep the creatures feet firmly on the ground by hanging oto its ankles. Braeden had it blinded with fire balls right in front of its eyes. I walked right up to it, my eyes watering in pain. I lifted The Adalane slowly and looked straight at the Lunn. My vision was extremely fuzzy and I was a bit wobbly but I knew The Adalane would know where to strike. “This is for Alaina.†And with that said I stabbed the Lunn straight in the chest.
Wow, pretty intense! I love the magnitude and amount of detail that was put into it! I could clearly see what was happening. You also had a fairly decent amount of dialogue, so one aspect did not overpower the other. Ramble.......... ramble.......... ramble...........all in all very nice work, I hope you keep at this, if this is what you love (cocky or not) I like it!
I quite enjoyed the read, and of course, I shall give you my comments. First of all, as you probably know already, writing in 1st person makes it easy to overuse the "I." From "“Kerianna, no!†Braeden yelled. The Lunn hit me hard in the chest with its foot and I was knocked to the ground, the air leaving my lungs quickly." to "Liam and Keith had finally got Riona and Rosaleen up and safely with Neil and Alaina and the two men rushed over to us." (2nd to last paragraph) there seems to be an excessive amount of lines starting with "I," and it was a little, in lack of a word, strange to read, because it was "I" this and "I" that. Also, the line "knocked everyone flat on their butts," seems sort of strange. "Flat on their butts" seems a little out of place, it seems a bit childish compared to what's really going on. I would use "flat on their asses" or something similar, but of course, it depends on what you prefer. Last thing, is this a typo? "I forced its hands behind it head before" Do you mean "its hands behind its head"? Enough with the negativity! As mentioned, I enjoyed the read. The language floats nicely and the descriptions are written in such a way it doesn't slow down the action. Also, this being the genre it is, it needs a lot of descriptions, which I think you pulled off quite nicely. Also, I wish there was more to read, because I would like to see some more information on the characters, but of course, some things need to be kept in secrecy ;) I do like you're writing style, and I look forward to reading this story in its entirety. (Of course, it depends on how much it costs, because Im cheap ;p).
