Prologue: “It would have been ****ing useful if the commander had actually told me what the ****ing threat was!†the soldier said into a walkie talkie clipped onto his vest. “Calm down Tyler, you’re going to be okay. It’s a simple check-up. We don’t even think there really is a threat. People could just have been getting lost down there.†A man told the soldier back though the walkie talkie. “Easy for you to say, you’re 10 miles away from here,†the soldier yelled back through, “Wait… I think I hear something, requesting immediate radio silence!†As the soldier looked through his night vision goggles, and being armed with a simple handgun rather then his first choice, a heat rifle, he started to get extremely nervous. Sweat dripped down his fine blonde hair as he attempted to strain his ears to hear the very faint sound. Twinkle, twinkle, little star… The soldier, finally managing to hear it, was extremely confused. He strained his neck into all angles, trying to look for the little girl’s voice, but not finding any source of sound. His heart, now starting to pound even heavier and faster then normal in the ominous dark, felt like it was going to jump out of his chest. He felt like just turning back now rather then finding out why all of those tourists had disappeared from The Cathedral. How I wonder what you are… Now, starting to panic, the soldier started to attempt to run away from the singing voice, but the voice just kept ringing in his ears from all directions. He desperately clicked on the walkie talkie and frantically talked into it, “Headquarters! Headquarters! I’m heading back; this place is ****ing creeping me out beyond reason.†“Negative soldier. You are to keep on the mission. I am not allowing for failure from you this time, boy†The Commander’s voice blasted from the soldier’s walkie talkie. “God damn it, sir! You try being in this place!†the soldier squealed into the walkie talkie as the little girl’s voice got louder and louder. Up above the sky so bright…Like a diamond in the sky… The soldier made up his mind and decided to disobey the commander and take hell for it afterward, and he started dashing to the exit of the cathedral, weapon in hand. As he was running he thought he saw something in the corner of his eye scatter away, he hoped that the little girl or whatever it was ran away in fear. Twinkle, twinkle, little star… How I wonder what you…are… the last words coming as a mere raspy whisper in the soldier’s ear. The soldier was too shocked to even notice the voice as he felt his heart literally be ripped out of his chest and he collapsed to the ground, to sleep for all eternity.
I won't lie, that was sure fire creepy my friend. It reminded me slightly of Bioshock but now I want to know the backstory of this Cathedral.
Wow. That was... Better then anything then I could write. You remind me of my friend, who writes stuff like that. Write More! And try to make something more literate. Describe the scene, and how the girl's voice sounded. Or how the guy looked, or something along the lines of that. Spelling Errors are alright. Walkie-Talkie, is a Headset. More cooler. xD But great job! I hope you write more. :3
^ agree. you could stretch this scene out by showing the deterioration of the soldiers mentality as the voice gets nearer and he knows that help will not be coming for him. That would definitely add some tension.
And you should also make the killer walk. Like footsteps. Or breathing. Something to make him scream. Horror stories are always making you stay on the edge. My friend played a game, and it was called 'Haunting Grounds' and It was a MAJOR Horror game. When your character was being stalked/chased, you could HEAR the steps. And them moaning. (In your case, the little girl singing.) And soon enough, you would see her/him. And whatever happens, happens. The Soldier should taste the scene. He should think fear about the scene. Think about the senses. Hear, See, Smell, Feel, Taste, ect. ^Thanks. ^^
