Okay. Well this is my first story. It's bascially about what happens when you get lied to, and you have to figure out who you are on your own. Well..I actually have a little introduction explaining it better ::: Everybody grows up. We get older, get married, and have kids. Well most of us. That's what happened to our favorite Kingdom Hearts Characters. As for had kids...That wasn’t a lie. Four girls sit by a beautiful ocean talking about their destinies. They know their fathers have some special power that they might have now. Armed with a Gummi ship and determined smiles on their faces, they set off to discover what their fathers had left them. It's time to leave beautiful Destiny Islands and find out what exactly their parents have been keeping from them. Because everybody knows...You can't stay a daddy's little girl forever. But we must not forget. Every good story needs villains. So you’re probably curious…Who are the bad guys? Well to find out, I guess you’ll just have to read this tale of adventures. “It’s time to start over guys, come on! If our parents don’t have the guts to tell us who we are…Then who will? We have to do it! So let’s just go. Let’s find out our power within.” My name is Hikari, and this is my story. --------------------------- Prologue “Aww…She’s so cute, don’t you think. Sora?” A red headed woman hovered over a golden crib. Inside the crib lay a beautiful baby girl stretching out her arms to the woman. The woman gave the infant a warm smile and picked her up. She was gently rocking her side to side. “Yeah, she is,” a male voice said. A man with light brown, spiky hair and blue eyes looked at the child and smiled. He bent down to the child's height. “Hikari….That’s her name.” The woman nodded. “It means light.” The man placed his finger in front the child. The baby immediately tugged on his finger. The man smiled despite how strong his daughter held on. Hikari placed his finger in her mouth and sucked strongly on it, refusing to let it go. The man smile disappeared as he tried to get his finger away the child. “Hikari!” The man cried. “Let go! This is not how you treat your father! Kairi! Help!” The woman laughed quietly. She then pulled Hikari away from her father gently. Hikari made a couple of sounds as she tugged onto Kairi's long red hair. Kairi placed the baby back in her crib and sighed. “Wow…If she’s this strong alone. Imagine what will happen when she inherits the Keyblade.” Hikari giggled and hit her midnight blue colored pillow continually. Sora examined the child’s movements and then looked at the ground. “I was talking with the others. You know, Riku, Roxas, and Axel. And we have come to a decision.” He took a deep breath and looked at Kairi. “We’re not going to tell our children about what we did. Nothing.” Kairi was startled by Sora’s words. “But…But why? They have a right to know who we really are. We can’t hide their futures from them.” “I know that,” Sora sighed. “But I think it would be better if we kept them here, on Destiny Islands. Where we can watch them and keep them safe.” He glanced at Hikari. “If anything ever happened to her….I don’t know what I do.” Kairi sighed. “Fine. But I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.” She smiled at Hikari. “I hope we can keep this a secret for a long time.” Sora nodded. “I’m sure we can.” Hikari began chewing on her crimson blanket, Kairi grabbed onto it trying to keep it away from Hikari. “Why are you so violent?!” She asked as she tugged on the fabric. Hikari giggled and let go of the cloth. Kairi fell back on to the ground, landing on her back. Sora watched Kairi fall, trying not laugh. Hikari let out noises that sounded like giggling. Sora couldn’t hold it in any longer and laughed at Kairi, who was rubbing her head. Kairi rolled her eyes playfully. ------------------------------------ So I was wondering if anybody has any thoughts about it and if I should contiue my epic tale. If anybody has any comments I'm welcome to anything. :) By the way...I'm going to try to keep it PG-13. If it goes above that just let me know.
That should be rated R for blanket chewing and pillow hitting (I don't even think I need to tell you that was a joke XDXD) seriously its really good
This is seriously awesome, and it even kept my attention (which is usually hard lol). But a few mistakes: *She gently was rocking her side to side. It'd sound better if it was: She was gently rocking her side to side. *I think you forgot to add "you" when Kairi asked "Why are so violent?!" *During the last few sentences, you repeat the word 'blanket' a few too many times. Like, you could try substituting it with 'cloth,' 'wool,' 'fabric,' or even 'it'. *There should be a comma after "Kairi grabbed onto the blanket". Otherwise, you did awesome, and I'm serious about that. The grammer and spelling is great, and the prologue intrigues people to want to read more about what happen and what may happen. Keep up the good work! :)
Thanks for the comments...And the critism. lol..I'm just joking. A little construtive critism never hurt anyone. So I guess it's time to post Chapter One. I did my best so let me know what you think. ----------------------- Chapter One: Time to Decide “Yes!” Hikari exclaimed. “Summer vacation here I come!” Her silky brown hair bounced around as she jumped up and down in her the hallway. “Man, Hikari,” Atsuko laughed as she walked to the hyper girl. “Calm down.” “Oh,” Hikari laughed neverously. “Sorry. I’m just finally out of this place!” Atsuko laughed again. “Not just yet Hikari,” she pointed at a woman with bistre brown hair and dark eyes walking their way. “No…” Hikari mumbled. “Not her…” Atsuko laughed again. “I guess I better get going then. She hates my hair,” she said pointing at her unruly crimson hair. “It’s not my fault I got hair like my dad. Plus out of control hair is my thing.” She and Hikari laughed. “Well, I’ll see you on the island,” Atsuko waved and began running down the hall. “Miss. Atsuko!” The woman called. “No running in the halls. And what did I tell you about loose socks with sneakers?” “Sorry Miss. Tasgo,” Atsuko said and she walked away quickly from the woman in a dark purple suit. “I guess I’ll never learn.” “Well you’ve got about 2 months to try,” Miss. Tasgo said as she approached Hikari. “Miss Hikari,” she said in an authority like tone. “What have I told you about that charm on your neck?” On Hikari’s neck was a silver star-like chain attached to a black band. “But Madame,” Hikari said. “This is my charm. It separates me from everybody else. Infact, I think I’m the only one in this world with it. Well, Apart from Nanami’s dad and Nanami.” Miss. Tasgo rolled her eyes. “Just fix your uniform,” she said as she glanced at Hikari’s clothes. The school uniform for girls was an upper thigh, white and blue plaid skirt, the same colors and design on the tie, a white short-sleeved blouse, any types of socks, and dress shoes or sneakers. Hikari looked at her dark blue, knee high socks and black moccasins. She pressed her hands on her skirt trying to straighten it. “Is this okay?” She asked. “Its fine,” Miss. Tasgo said as she began walking down the hall. “Have a good summer Miss. Hikari.” “You too, Miss. Tasgo!” Hikari waved. She glanced at the white clock on the wall. “I might as well get my bag,” she mumbled to herself as she ran to her locker. Hikari fumbled around with her locker lock. “Finally,” she said as she open the small door and pulled out her sandy taupe brown colored book bag. She grabbed on to the dark brown straps. She made sure she had taken all her belongs and then shut that locker. She took off the locker on the outside of her locker and threw into her book bag. She smiled as she walked down the halls. “Finally,” she thought. “Summer vacation. Just me, Nanami, Atsuko, and Mizuki.” “It’s going to be a great summer,” she mumbled as she passed by a girl with short blond hair and one with short black hair. “Did you hear about Hikari’s dad?” The blond girl asked. Hikari stopped walking. “What about my dad?” She thought. She hid in a corner listening to the girls’ conversation. “Yeah,” the girl with black hair said. “Something about a 'Keyblade'? All I know is he saved the world or something.” “Saved the world?” Hikari thought. “That’s impossible!” “Yeah,” the other girl said. “I heard my parents talking about how he and Nanami, Mizuki, and Atsuko’s dads did something adventurous too.” “Whoa,” the black haired girl exclaimed. “What did they do?” “Well they--” “Miss. Suzumiya and Miss. Shikaru,” Miss. Tasgo’s voice sounded annoyed. “The school year is over. Go home. Not unless you want to stay behind and help me get prepared for next year?” “Um, no thanks,” the black haired girl said backing away. “Tell me later,” she whispered to the other girl. The blond nodded. “Yeah. Bye Miss. Tasgo!” The two girls ran out of the school as fast as their legs could take them. “Adventurous...?” Hikari mumbled. She quickly ran out of the school, trying not to be seen or heard. “Where’s Hikari, Atsuko?!” A girl with blond hair said as she crossed her arms. She had pale blue grey eyes and her long blond hair hung over her left shoulder. “Yeah,” agreed a girl with teal ocean eyes. She had long shiny silverish-white hair. “You said she would be here soon.” Atsuko shrugged. Her black eyeliner and green make-up under her eyes made her face seemed a little scary. “She’ll be here,” she said. Her eyes widened. Her vibrant green eyes had looked as if the had turned into a deeper green. “Unless Tasgo got to her!” “Oh don’t be ridiculous,” Nanami said as she fixed her blond hair. “Tasgo isn’t that bad,” Mizuki smiled. “Oh you think every teacher’s great,” Atsuko remarked as she rolled her eyes. “That’s not true!” Mizuki argued. “Oh yeah?” Atsuko asked crossing her arms. “Name one teacher you don’t like.” Mizuki clenched on to her light pink book bag. “Well the--” “Hey!” Hikari called running over to the three girls. “Sorry I was so late.” Her sea blue eyes seemed to light up when she saw her friends. “Just don’t do it again!” Mizuki warned. “Yeah,” Nanami agreed as she began walking down the ecru brown pathway. The others also began walking. “Your never going to believe what I found out,” Hikari smiled as she walked wit her friends. “You’re an alien who’s about to exploded!” Atsuko said as she put her hands behind her head. Sarcasm was in every word she had said. “You would like that wouldn’t you,” Hikari laughed. “Actually. I found out my father saved the world and your dads did something adventrous too.” “....Right….” Atsuko smirked. “And I’m a pumpkin.” “Then I guess I get to have pumpkin pie for dinner,” Hikari smirked. “Because it’s true. I’m not lying.” “How can you say that Hikari?” Mizuki asked. “You have like no proof.” “How can you say that Mizuki?!” Hikari snapped back. “You guys are supposed to be my best friends!” “We are,” Nanami sighed. “But this…How can we believe you?” “Just trust me!” Hikari said a little annoyed. “Why won’t they believe me?” She placed her hand on the side of her head and looked up into the mid day sky. She then closed her eyes. Hikari opened her eyes. Around her was pure darkness. She couldn’t see a thing. “Hey…Is anybody here?” She asked as she began walking around. Only her senses of touch, smell, and hearing to guide her. “Hikari?” She turned around as soon as she heard a voice, only to see a figure in a black cloak. “Who are you?” She asked walking to the person. The person held out their hand, as if alerting her to not come any closer. “I’ll come find you,” the voice said. “But...But…” Hikari said taking another step closer. As she stepped closer she fell into the ground, being taken in by the darkness around her. “Hikari!” Nanami’s voice was heard. “Hikari, get up!” Hikari opened her eyes, lifted up her upper body. She looked at Nanami, Mizuki and Atsuko. All with worried expressions on their faces. “Are you alright?” Mizuki asked helping her up. “You just fainted,” Atsuko said handing Hikari and Nanami their book bags. She swung her own backpack over her shoulder. Hikari quickly stood up and ran down the pathway heading for home. “Meet me at the island!” She shouted as she ran home. The three girls watched Hikari run with surprised facial expressions. Hikari walked back and fourth as she looked at the sand on the island. She pulled on her fingerless black, yellow, and some sort of dark blue gloves that had white crosses on them. Her outfit was some what like her father’s, but instead of pants, she wore a thigh high length skirt and her shirt under the short jacket showed a small amount of her stomach. She even had the crown chained necklace on. She fixed the big red pockets at the sides and sat on a long tree branch looking at the sky. Nanami came running up behind Hikari. She jumped over the branch and landed in front of it. She then jumped up onto the branch and sat down. Hikari smiled at her blonde haired friend. Nanami frowned. “Why did you want us to come here?” Hikari studied Nanami’s facial expression and tried not laugh. “What’s so funny?” Nanami asked. Very displeased by Hikari’s snickers. “It’s just,” Hikari laughed. “When you frown…You look a lot like your dad.” Nanami gasped and quickly smiled. “How about now?” Hikari laughed. “Better.” Nanami rolled her eyes playfully and pulled on her black and white checkered wrist band. She was also dressed a lot like her father. The only difference was her jacket sleeves her kind of poofy and the actual jacket ended over her chest. Her black shirt, also with a star-like chain, showed her stomach. She was also wore a thigh high length skirt with a zipper. The zipper was opened, revealing a short white fabric. Her boots were laced with red material. “Where are the others?” Hikari shrugged and tapped on her star-like chain on her neck. Just then something forced her to the ground. “What’s up Hikari?” Atsuko smirked. She was standing on the branch, in the exact same spot where Hikari just was. “Obviously not you,” Hikari said as she kicked Atsuko to the ground. Atsuko fell on the other side of the branch laughing. “You’ve gotten stronger young one.” Hikari sat back on the branch. “Thanks.” Atsuko stood up, crawled under the branch to the side where her friends were and leaned on the it, putting her hands on the back of her head. She wore black pants with a chain, and a short black jacket that showed her stomach also. Also there was a checked scarf around her ribs. Her shoes were black with red flames on the side. Mizuki stood be side Atsuko smiling. She wore a deep blue skirt and a vest just like her fathers but shorter. Her shoes and shirt were also the same as her dad’s. "So why did you ask us to come here, Hikari?” Mizuki asked. “If I told you guess to leave home with me,” Hikari asked looking at her friends. “What would you do?” “Slap you across the face,” Nanami responded. “I’d think you were crazy,” Mizuki answered. “Send you to a mental institution,” Atsuko remarked. Hikari rolled her eyes. “Come on guys, I’m serous.” “So are we,” Nanami frowned. “Well that’s too bad,” Hikari smirked. “Because we’re going to do it.” “What?!” Mizuki asked, shocked. “I’m not leaving Destiny islands!” “Me neither,” Nanami agreed. “This summer I planned to draw a little, maybe go skateboarding in Twilight Town, but not travel the worlds!” “And do our summer assignment for school,” Mizuki added. “Oh come on!” Hikari said jumping off the branch. “Don’t you guys want to try something new?” “Sorry Hikari,” Atsuko shook her head. “But I’m with the brain and the emo on this one. I mean, how will we get to these worlds?” “See…” Nanami said very pleased with Atsuko. She then realized she had just been insulted. “Hey! I’m not an emo! My father and I are not emos! I repeat. ROXAS AND HIS DAUGHTER ARE NOT EMOS!” Hikari, Atsuko, and Mizuki laughed. Nanami also seemed angry whenever she was called an 'Emo'. “Seriously guys,” Hikari smiled. “Just say you’ll come with me. Please?” “Hikari,” Mizuki smiled. “As much as we want to go on this epic adventure with you. We can’t just leave. This is our home. Everything we’ve ever needed and wanted is here.” “Not everything,” Hikari remarked. “It’s time to start over guys, come on! If our parents don’t have the guts to tell us who we are…Then who will? We have to do it! So let’s just go. Let’s find out our power within.” She held her hand out between her and the other three girls. Atsuko frowned but then smiled. “This is really corny but…” She placed her hand on Hikari’s. Nanami sighed. “Fine. I’ll go along with your plan. But only because that was such a great little speech Hikari.” She smiled a little and placed her hand on Atsuko’s hand. Hikari smiled at Mizuki. “Come on Mizu. Think about it this way, we’ll have an excellent story to tell for our summer assignment. “Alright,” Mizuki sighed as she placed her hand with the others. “But only because of our assignment.” “Yes,” Hikari exclaimed. “Our first real adventure. One for all…” “Are you serious Hikari?” Nanami sighed. “We did that when we were six.” “One for all…” Hikari repeated sounding more serious. “And all for one!” The others laughed. “Good,” Hikari smiled. “You guys haven’t turned into teenage mutant losers.” Atsuko hit Hikari in the back of the head and laughed. Hikari grinned as her friends laughed. “I hope this lasts forever.” ---------------------------- Well that was the first Chapter. I'm going to make the second one today, maybe. So let me know what you thought of it. And have you guessed who are the four girls parents? I want to see if anyone's guess it yet.
This story is freakin AWESOME!!! Most of the time, a story with Sora and Kairi's kids in it is usually pretty rushed and bad bt you make it sound so good! Excellent job!
Nice job, the grammer and spelling is great as usual...but some constructive criticism: *I always though 'Miss' shouldn't have a period after it, and should just be simply "Miss" unless written as "Ms.". *I get a bit confused with who's talking - you might want to introduce the characters just a bit slower. *With each dialogue, it'd be clearer if you entered a new space, like this: "Calm down.†“Oh,†Hikari laughed neverously. *I have to admit...this chapter was a bit slow, but since it is a first chapter, it's not that bad...although it'd be nice if you could find some way to quicken it or add something to it that will help grab readers' attention... Overall, great job! :) Keep up the good work!
